yesterday sucked

(today's t-shirt brought to you by explodingdog)

I spent most of yesterday trying to avoid an emotional entanglement with the Love of my Life…and failing miserably.
It was a shocker to discover that while I’ve been thinking that things have been going not just smooth but exceptionally wonderful…that meanwhile, my Beloved is feeling "...un-special, un-appreciated, and not taken seriously...".
I am just realizing this morning that my attempts to postpone this discussion until after the show tonight actually reinforces that.
I am doing a bad job :-(


After school, MyFK had a friend over and it was the playdate from hell. Lots of bickering about what activity to do that both would enjoy (people…why can’t we just all get along??).


Another highlight of my day was a trip to the orthopedic surgeon to discuss yet another surgery. Some of the hardware in my forearm has to be removed. It is irritating tendons and nerves.
But this will mean six weeks (at least) of healing, and I shudder to imagine what six weeks with no knitting will look like. Break out the incencse--I'd better start that meditation practice now, gang…because if there is no knitting, there will be no peace.
Not to be ignored is the notion that this surgery has potential risk of further damage to the arm.
I’m trying to not even go there.


Then I got the call from Axis Dance Company that I’m not exactly what they’re looking for at this time. They did say it was a very difficult decision, and I was strongly encouraged to stay in touch.
I’m dying to know who got the part(s)…but was told that an email would be sent once they made all the calls. I’m crossing my fingers for everyone (I met so many totally cool people), but in addition to my fingers crossed, I’ve also got my toes crossed for Wheelchair Dancer (hope it counts that I only have five toes).
It was funny timing when I got the call. “Real time” folks have been asking me how the audition went, and although I’ve been answering those questions individually, I hadn’t blogged about it at all. I somehow was feeling that writing about it would jinx me. The funny timing part was that I was literally sitting down at the computer and writing about it when the call came in.
I wasn’t prepared for my wave of disappointment.
But I was already pretty raw from the points listed above.


My day ended with a bang at the tech rehearsal for tonight’s show. My timing was off. I was unfocused and rushing things and I couldn’t sink into the work to merge with my partner (the segment I’m in tomorrow night is a duet).
Historically (for me), a shitty rehearsal means a great performance...and vice-versa…a good rehearsal means that I gave it all up and the actual performance will suck. So I’m probably ok for tonight’s show.

But not doing well in rehearsal last night just put the icing on the Man-Do-I-Suck-Or-What? cake.
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I had hoped I’d wake up today all fresh and shiny and new, but…
Nope.
No such luck.
I actually woke into a dream-like sleepy-state wondering why on earth am I performing dance anyhow? I dance because it is part of my creative and emotional process...but I can achieve that dancing in my living room. Why do I need to perfom?? Performing for people turns it into entertainment. Entertainment for "you". I woke feeling like nobody really "gets it" anyhow, so why the fuck bother? This isn't about me pleasing you with a really good show, is it? Why do artists create art?? Why do artists and dancers and musicians and and and...why do we have this need to show our work and be seen?
Too big of a question before coffee.
And now that I've had a cup, it still feels too big.


MyFK asked me why I was so bummed this morning, and rather than give him full disclosure, I figured it would be good parenting to at least share my feelings about the audition and not getting the part.

His response was, “You know mom, you can’t get everything you want. If you did, you’d be spoiled.”


Yeah. Right, kid.