It seems like I'm only logging on the computer each day just long enough to do a quick scan of email and to make a sorry excuse for the daily blogpost.
It's because I'm preparing to travel.
Which I wish had me looking like this:
But really has me looking like this:
(well, the one legged version...but you get my drift)
NOW: TheMostImportantGuy and I are sitting on top of the bed, both on our laptops, both wishing that we were in bed with the lights out. The dog is outside (forgot to close the dog door) barking at who-knows-what. And I can see from where I am perched that I forgot to shut the lights off in the laudryroom. My neck is stiff. And I can smell hot chocolate coming from the empty mug on the nightstand.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
It seems like I'm only logging on the computer each day just long enough to do a quick scan of email and to make a sorry excuse for the daily blogpost.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:46 PM
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
NOW: Thinking I really need to start a blog post before 11pm for a change. Maybe then I'd actually write something. Cuddling with new stuffed animal TheMostImportantGuy got for me (yes, I have an internal 5 year-old, and she is quite happy at the moment ThankYouVeryMuch). I wish I was in pajamas.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:26 PM
Monday, June 28, 2010
This is when Blog365 gets plain stupid.
I'm not writing a real post tonight.
Instead I am working on several other blogposts that will be postdated to auto-publish while I am out of town for two weeks (possibly no internet access for a few of those days).
NOW: Noticing the clothes dryer just stopped, so time to fold and pull out what is being packed for the trip (leaving Friday). Wishing I had fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies. Eyes are burning from looking at the screen, even though I have spent very little time on the computer today.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:56 PM
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Today was unusually well rounded. I wish I would have taken out my camera for some of, but I was having such a good time for most of it that I totally forgot!
It didn't start off so great. The alarm went off at 5:30am so that TheMostImportantGuy and I could get to the zen center (but let's not think about that early wake up anymore--ugh). The early alarm was immediately followed by a huge bout of, "I can't stand my life, not any of it---especially this new haircut or color." It was an emotional episode that sent me into to tears and almost put me back under the bedcovers instead of out the frontdoor (but let's not think about that anymore, either).
Went to the zen center, and practicing proved to be a very helpful "reset button". Near the end I was asked to lead the "morning bell chant" for my first time ever (I've only ever done it a home alone). The morning chant is some twenty-odd minutes worth of singing plus several opportunities to hit a big bell, which I found to be a fun challenge (because the zen center bell is much bigger than my little homestyle version).
After practice, TheMostImportantGuy and I went out to breakfast with the monk and one other gal from the zen center. We went to a place called Venus that was so yummy, I cannot wait to eat there again.
Then I picked up KarenTheDancingLurker and she and I went to the inaugural year of the Oakland Fiber Festival. I picked up a new knitting bag and some very lovely fluffy stuff to spin. After that she and I headed over to A Verb For Keeping Warm and sat and had a really lovely chat with the wonderful Kristine. I also picked up some high speed bobbins for my spinning wheel.
Later in the afternoon I retrieved MyFavoriteKid from his dad's place, and when we got home he had a friend over right up until about bedtime, which gave me a little time to knit and read (and do laundry and clean the house, but let's forget about that, too!).
Nice day. Much time spent outdoors and around people I really adore :-)
Much needed. Good for the spirit.
NOW: Wishing I was sleeping instead of blogging. And it's too hot. I have all the windows open. It's still hot. And because the windows are open the dog is barking at every little noise outside. So I might not be sleeping anyhow. But I'm going to try.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:44 PM
Saturday, June 26, 2010
From the show I went to last night, but taken at 12:45 or so this morning...so it truly is a snap on Saturday ;-)
NOW: Sitting on couch with TheMostImportantGuy, me typing and half watching the stand-up comedy that is on. Looking at the empty plate of food we just shared (cheese, cracker, grapes, olives). House is a bit of a wreck, and I don't care to do anything about it right now.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 9:38 PM
Friday, June 25, 2010
NOW: It's 10:10am and I am preparing to leave the house. Will not be returning until the wee hours of tomorrow morning probably. My day starts off with going to lunch at a Jewish Deli with my parents and friend of theirs whom I have been wanting to spend more time with; then out doing something fun (to be determined) with MyFavoriteKid until I take him to his dads for the weekend; then on to dinner with TheMostImportantGuy and his bosses; and after that out to an club to see an industrial-ish band. All of which is not happening "NOW", I do understand...but what IS happening "now" is that I am sitting here in my birthday suit because I cannot figure out wtf I can wear that works in all of those situations. I am destined to look ridiculous at in at least one of them.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 10:07 AM
Thursday, June 24, 2010
11:45pm and just home from dance class.
NOW: Almost-midnight snack of manchego cheese and whole grain crackers. A few grapes. David Letterman chattering about something I am not paying attention to. Remembering that I actually started a phone call today by saying, "This is the voice of PMS calling....". Turning off tv and opting to read myself to sleep instead.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Just got home from the zen center (MyFavoriteKid and I met TheMostImportantGuy for dinner near there, and then we all went to the zen center together). I haven't been able to go for a couple of weeks, and I've really been feeling it. Sure, I can practice at home, but there is something very nice about practicing with the group. Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings are the biggest gatherings there, and I got to see some faced I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice.
NOW: Digesting a piece of MyFK's left over birthday cake. Really wanting to knit for a bit (yay! wanting to knit! FINALLY.) Wishing my cats would come in from outside so I can shut down the house and go to sleep without worrying about them. They are enjoying the warmer weather, the longer days, and the moonlight.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
NOW: Too many miscellaneous papers on the desk. Everything I don't have time to tend to (which is lots, and seems constant) has the potential of making me shift into "feelin' like a failure" mode. I'm trying to figure out how to be easier on myself.
I really am in a bit of a "state".
For the last few days I have started getting out of my cave, and when my girlfriends ask me how I am, I have actually been telling them. Out loud.
I am fully aware that I have lots of little life issues percolating in my brain, but none of these issues have solutions really...they are all about accepting change. It's not like there are problems to be solved, or things to be fixed, in most cases. There's no "action" to be taken. None of the issues feel urgent or pressing. They are just "there". Viewed each on their own, none of the issues feel big. Taken one at a time, they feel sucky, but manageable. I just forget there are so many of them....but then on the days when I am forced to see a few of them together, or even as a whole, well....it's fairly massive. One of the reasons I don't remember there are so many issues is because I dont really talk about them. No talk = Out of sight, out of mind. It's a funny little game of denial.
Once I started listing the issues out loud finally for a friend this past Sunday, I realized...holy cow. I've got a lot going on. I'm going to work on doing the talking thing more. It helped. I'm trying to figure out how to do it here because you guys are actually one awesome source of support for me....not to mention that just the act of typing is such a fabulous method of "processing".
My hesitation is that some of the "issues" involve people who might be reading this LOLOL.
Tricky, this blogging thing is, aint it?
Monday, June 21, 2010
I did NOT get up out of bed after posting last night (it was nearly midnight) and start new knitting project.
I waited until this morning ;-)
"Grey Scalloped Bar Butterfly" and "Sooty Dancer"
I remembered that today a mother-other-than-myself was responsible for carpooling kids so band camp, so I had the morning free.
Things didn't start off so well. I fought with tangled skeins and the ball winder until I almost threw my hands up in the air and walked away mumbling like a crazy person. Actually, I DID do exactly that---I just came back to it is all. Special thanks to Kerry, because it was at that exact moment of giving up that her comment on yesterday's post appeared: "Yarn is my milk of magnesia. Hope it worked for you too. ;-)"
Well, I got the yarn untangled, rewound it up in neat little cakes, and cast on for another Stephen West shawl, Daybreak.
Sheesh, I feel better already.
NOW: Lots of crickets chirping tonight. Sitting at diningroom table, dog is outside having his "evening sit". I think he likes the sound of them, too. It's very peaceful. But now voices up on the hill, way up at the house above me...and dog is barking. And now quiet again. Woof woof, chirp chirp.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Funny Number One
MyFavoriteKid and I took my dad (and mom, too) out for a Father's Day brunch this morning. As we did not want to leave MyFK's dad (ie TheEx) sad and alone and missing out on a Dad's Day moment, we had him join us.
Before leaving the house to pick up my parents, MyFK asks me if he should be dressing up. Having never been to this particular restaurant before, I suggest he wear some newer jeans and a somewhat plain t-shirt. He agrees, yet comes out of his room sporting some funky old camouflage shorts and a black concert t-shirt (from a heavy metal band). The shirt has skulls and whatnot on it, and it also has a few holes in it.
Bickering ensues. He loses. He goes back into his room and changes into the aforementioned jeans. He comes out of his room and is sent right back after even more bickering. He comes out a second time wearing a less graphic, kelly green t-shirt on top. Finally.
We meet TheEx for brunch.
And he is....
I shit you not....
wearing camouflage shorts, a black band t-shirt with a cross and skulls on it, and it has a couple of holes in the back.
(this is why he is TheEx...and this is also why it is so damn funny)
Funny Number Two
I've watched this danged clip four times now, and I'm still cracking up.
NOW: I am in my room, on top of the bed, and both kitties are curled up sleeping. I am sitting crosslegged (well, as crosslegged as one can get with only one leg, and no second leg to really cross with). My foot is hot from the laptop being balanced on it. I have already "shut down the house" but I am seriously considering getting back up and pulling out some yarn, a swift, a ballwinder, and some needles, and casting-on a new project. I don't even have a project in mind, though. I know just that I haven't really knit in weeks. I don't feel like working on one thing that I already have going, so I've just been knitting nothing. This not-knitting-thing is either a part of creating my poopy feelings, or perhaps the poopy feelings have just already been lurking...but I'm not using the soothing stitches I normally knit to help alleviate the poop. I'm not even sure knowing which it is even matters. I just need to start a new project. And it's 11:30 at night.
(crazy yarn lady)
Saturday, June 19, 2010
(somewhere in the darkness of my crappy photo skillz)
NOW: "Squozen" feeling in the center of my chest, the heart version of "having a pit in my stomach". I've been very uncomfortable in my own skin for awhile now. I seem to be able to ignore it quite nicely (which does nothing at all for addressing the root cause, I do understand). But it's getting to the point where it's just flat out hard to shake it. I'm also finding myself very irritated by sounds lately. I feel overstimulated. I actually do believe that I'd find a deprivation tank outright enjoyable at this point.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 10:54 PM
Friday, June 18, 2010
This evening was the dedication of our town's new (and first) High School.
Way too many speeches before they did the actual deed of cutting the ribbon, but the tour of the campus was well worth the wait. The place is amazing. State of the art, sustainably built, and just plain gorgeous. All of the classrooms are designed to bring in natural light and fresh air. It's very exciting. MyFavoriteKid will be going there the year after next. And I might even get to go there, too---the community college is going to offer evening courses and adult ed. programs there---and it's only about 3 minutes from my house. I could ride my bike.
Now: I am sitting in bed and stand-up comedy is chattering away in the background. TheMostImportantGuy has fallen asleep while watching. Orange kitty on the bed, cream colored dog also on the....black cat off somewhere being anti-social. The clothes dryer is spinning in the other room, so I hear the snap and ping of zippers and metal buttons...and TheMIG just started snoring.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:42 PM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Hello, gang. Much of today was spent getting things in order for MyFavoriteKid's birthday party on Saturday....cake, balloons, etc...it's all "ducks in a row" finally. Now I'm getting ready to head out the door for dance class.
Tonight we Circle Dance in honor of Summer Solstice...
...which I do recognize is not until Monday, but class is on Thursdays, so we always celebrate during the class preceding the actual transition.
Honoring the solstices has really shifted for me the last few years. I used to really connect with the "peakness" of the season. Now I connect more with the fact that it is the pivotal moment of turning in to the next. For example even in the darkness of winter, on that longest night when the Winter Solstice arrives, I feel the return of the light.
(*passes you a bowl of granola*)
If past years have been any indicator, Summer Solstice has often felt like, "Oh man, there goes the sunshine," even though the actual transition of feeling shortened days is really months away. But this year? I don't even know what I am feeling! We haven't really had any sort of "real summer" here, weather-wise. I look outside at the garden and the fact that the tomato plants seem so confused, and I'm not even sure I am clear on what season it is at all!
NOW: The cherry tree is waving its leaves at me through the back window. I just realized I didn't do the "Now" thing last night, so...whatever. I'm a loser. I am feeling stressed because even though I really want to be in class tonight circle dancing (and I actually have to be in class tonight...being one of the teachers, and all that), there is this year-long group that I wanted to join, and their first meeting is tonight (all following meetings will be on weekend mornings, so those I can do...just can't do a Thursday). And I can't go. I am stressed because I've been told I will be missing the first "powerfully bonding experience" (yes, that is how it is being described) and that means that if I come along later, starting at session number two, it's going to push all these buttons I have about cliques and groups and fitting in or not fitting in or inserting myself into places I am not welcome or or or...well, I think you get the picture. I haz issues with peoplez.
Off to dance.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 6:45 PM
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
MUCH better start to my day today, thanks to Fuzzarelly shooting me a link to this...which I clicked on even before the coffee had kicked in:
I've seen videos of this guy dancing before, but I didn't know about the rap.
Date night with TheMostImportantGuy tonight, so I'm outta here ;-)
(surely you understand)
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 8:58 PM
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Really. I'm just totally off my game. I'll expand on that here for a minute, but honestly...just go back and watch the kitties. Way more fun.
I'm not sure what is going on. For days I've been waking up right off the bat in "not so great a mood," and then I can't shake it. It lingers.
It might just be the shift into summer...which, let's face it, pretty much means the loss of anything resembling quiet around here.
It might be that I'm in another round of tweaks with the prosthetic leg...they're still trying to get it to fit. Even the prosthetist has admitted he has finally been stumped. (I just noticed that's a funny joke, and I wasn't even trying. I must lay that on him. I have stumped him. Stump the prosthetist. HA.
I am listening to the buzz of the refrigerator that I want so badly to replace (I swear it is what is waking me up at night). I just looked up from the laptop and realized I have way too many lights on...all over the house. I'm fretting about how I am going to cram in everything that needs to be done this week, and I feel like I'm saying that all the time these days, and I'm sick of hearing myself.
See? Go watch kittens.
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:34 PM
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wow, did I ever wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
I had this horrible dream that a siren had gone off warning everyone to take shelter, but I ignored it thinking, "Oh, but it's Monday. They test the system on Mondays." I ignored it, went about my business, then realized that even though it was indeed a Monday, it was the wrong time of the day for the siren to be tested. I took a look outside and noticed the place was a ghost town. Then I saw a flash of light in the distance, a nuclear explosion, and a bulbous cloud of dust expanding outwards towards me.
Can I pls haz coffee now??
About an hour or so later, MyFavoriteKid decided to give me a little Facebook tutorial ('cuz I still can't make sense of it, and of course he's been on it for a week and pretty much has it wired)...
....and I while he was giving me my little tour I noticed that TheMostImportantGuy had posted almost the same exact photos I did yesterday here on the blog. He included the shot of that plate of food (which we enjoyed so much...it really was delicious, regardless of its appearance), and that two of his "friends" (people I actually know in real life, I might add) had made snarky comments.
Such as, "Was that photo taken before you ate it? Or after?"
I kinda wanted to crawl under a rock.
Or get a straw and shoot spitwads at people.
Now: I am on the phone listening to TheMostImportantGuy tell me stories (I love him telling me stories, no matter what they are about). I'm watching the kitties being pissed off because I wont let them back outside at 9pm at night. MrDarcy is literally banging at the sliding glass door.
Later in the day I tried to spend some time with my knitting. I finally finished the center section of a square shaped shawl I am working on, so I sat myself down to pick up all of the stitches around the edges so I could begin to do the lace border. Six hundred and twelve stitches is what need to be picked up. And along a garter stitch square that is knit on the bias, with all of the the increases and decreases placed right along the edge I am picking up into.
I cannot say I am having a good time. I haven't even gotten halfway down one of the four sides and I already want to toss it under a sofa cushion.
I did run into this today, though...it's a commercial I spotted on TV, and I'm so happy it's also on YouTube (but what isn't, right?).
Helped to change my mood for sure.
And made me wish for a banana hat.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Home. After many hours of driving.
We did indeed spend our first night at a rest-stop. There were a few other overnight "nappers" already tucked in when we arrived. It went just fine.
Although I did indeed velcro the pepper spray to the little shelf directly above my pillow.
That turned out not to be so smart because then in addition to worrying about bad things happening that would require me to use the pepper spray, I also got to lose sleep worrying that the velcro would break loose, and the spray can would bonk me on the head, and then I'd fumble around half asleep and spray myself in the face while trying to figure out what just hit me.
(I once saw a sign that read, "Worry Is The Misuse Of Your Imagination." So true.)
Anyhow. The next morning we woke early and finished the drive to the home where the retreat was being held. 'Twas a humble abode, but I do mean that with much affection.
The place, and the property, were full of character and truly special. Once you walked in the front door you were greeted with a wood burning stove and these fabulous worn floorboards (very old house). Then you took a turn to the right and stepped into this...
Pretty great, eh?
Our schedule for the day...the usual.
Lots of sitting and walking ;-)
Here's the makeshift lunch I assembled out of what I had in the van....
(romaine, grapes, walnut gorgonzola bread, pretzel chips, hummus, tofu "egg" salad, cured olives)
Here's where everyone sat together for tea at the end of the day.
That's the view from the kitchen window. Now that I think of it, that whole wall, plus the adjoining wall...it was all windows. I think the owner described it as, "the hundred thousand dollar house with the million dollar view".
Rather then staying overnight on the host's property, we decided to put in a couple of hours of driving back towards home so that we'd have less time to drive today. This weekend was the Redwood Run, so there were tons of motorcycles traveling the same path as us. I was glad to chop the drive up into smaller segments. We stayed at Benbow RV Park. A little plush, but we had stayed there last summer and remembered loving it, especially because it was just a few minutes from the main drag in Garberville, which meant that we'd also be able to have breakfast at The Woodrose Cafe.
On the drive home we made a very impromptu stop at this little winery/distillery that grabbed our attention as we were whizzing by called Jaxon Keys.
Super cute. Their tasting room is a big house on hill. It has a porch full cushioned wicker furniture to sink into and gaze out at the vineyards and the valley. They offer tastings (the wine we tried was very good), but they also offered wine by the glass, plus they had a little corner "shop" with cheese, crackers, and spreads...so we just made ourselves a little afternoon snack on the deck.
Another fab run in the van :-)
Now: Tony Awards just switched to the local news and I really need to go turn it off. Depressing. The flowers on the diningroom table are fading. There is a skein of yarn that arrived in the mail this weekend and it's sitting right next to the laptop---creative ideas of what to make with it abound. Seriously distracted by the week ahead and how full it looks. Wishing I could be more present in today instead. Tomorrow isn't even here yet.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Now: is not really now, because it is then.
(I wrote this auto-post Friday afternoon before departing)
If this post is up, it means I could find not internet access up at this retreat.
Or that I got van-jacked at a truck stop in Ukiah.
Or that I found an empty house with a storm cellar full of provisions and my belly is full of canned peaches and I have decided to hunker down for a day or two.
(another reference to the book)
I am SURE I will be here tomorrow to tell ya' all about the weekend ;-)
Posted by MsAmpuTeeHee at 11:59 PM
Friday, June 11, 2010
~~Ohhh, how I love da van~~
Here's what we're up to:
There is a guy who is affiliated with the zen center we go to. He lives quite a ways up north (4 to 5 hours north), but he does travel down to our center sometimes for the longer retreats. I got a chance to talk to him at the end of that big 8-day Retreat back in Feb/Mar, which was not an easy thing to do, lemme tell ya'. Kinda hard to meet people when you are keeping silence and staring at the floor.
Anyhow. I found out that he leads a very casual meditation gathering up where he lives, and then once a month or so on a weekend he leads a longer full day sort of thing. He told us we're welcome to come up any time and that he has space for us to camp, so...off we go!
Only bummer is that this retreat is tomorrow, and TheMIG couldn't leave work early tonight. Our first plan was to wake up super-duper early (4am-ish??) and drive up to be there for the start at 10am.
Five hours of driving.
Not counting stops.
On the curvy highway roads through the redwoods.
Well, our second plan is to leave tonight around 7:30-8 and get a couple of hours of that driving under our belt. Park overnight. Then we get up in the morning (still early, but less early) and do the last 2 or 3 hours of driving to get us there at 10am.
Sounds much better.
Except we do not have a firm plan for where we are staying overnight.
I'm totally self contained, and my van is compact. It fits in a regular parking spot no problem, so it's not as obvious as an RV. But I've always always parked at an actual campground or RV Park, or in front of the house of someone I know. I have a hunch that tonight we might be parking at a Truck Stop or a rest area (I've sniffed out what is between here and there, so at least I have a vague idea), but I'm still a bit freaked out about the whole idea.
TheMIG tells me he has done lots of this "back in the day" while he was touring with his band, and that besides: this is good practice for the apocalypse (we both have recently read The Road).
Somehow I do not find this settling.
I made him go out and buy multiple bottles of pepper spray and I am going to velcro one to the nightstand I think. And maybe one to him. LOL
Now: I am watching TheMostImportantGuy on his webcam right now (he's at work on his laptop having a Bizzness meeting). Entertaining to watch, as always. There's no sound but I like to guess what he is talking about by his facial expressions. I am wishing he was on his way here instead so that we could go! My pissed off kitteh is howling because I have shut his door the outside world, and I'm sure he knows that this is not just for today but for several days, as the dog is missing (he's already at the kennel).
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Now: 11:48pm. Just home from dance class. Wishing I was taking a shower instead of posting, yet rather than doing either, I am looking at the free templates blogger offers (don't you think it's about time for a change around here??). The dog is sitting in my bedroom closet, peeking out at me through the hanging clothes.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
As seen in a treatment room I had with a dermatologist yesterday:
I do understand the concept of marketing to your target audience, but srsly.
Now: Noticing that all my pets are staring at me, because I am an hour late feeding them. Feeling a twinge of anxiety (experienced as shallow breathing and that "punched in the gut" sensation), which is probably just me reacting to having a To-Do list that is way too long to ever be accomplished. Remembering a conversation from earlier today at the centralized mailboxes where I live. A neighbor I barely know asked me how I was, and I told him my To-Do List was too long. He told me that meant it was time to throw the list out and start over. I'd estimate him to be in his 70's or 80's, so he probably knows that of which he speaks. The real sage advice.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
This morning I woke up, and I swear the first thought that popped into my head was:
"Hoooo-boy. That post I made last night made NO sense, and I should bury it RIGHT NOW underneath a NEW post so that no one will ever read it."
I was about to do just that and then found the comment some of you left, and my panic subsided a bit. I guess it made a little bit of sense, at least *phew*. I've had more thoughts on the topic throughout the day, and I will be back to continue (famous last words).
Here's what I was going to bury the post with, just for kicks and giggles.....
MyFavoriteKid has two more days of school to go, but they are minimum days, so he will eat lunch at home instead of my packing him something. I realized that this morning as I was packing it. I'm done! (for awhile)
I'm really glad MyFK prefers to bring lunch. I know the school lunch program is better than it used to be, but it really is mostly crap. Today his lunch was some smoked salmon, whole grain crackers, and steamed green beans. The "snack" (which he eats on an earlier break) was crappish, though. Chips, a slice of jerky, a piece of chocolate...and some cheese and apples, at least.
I'm sick to death of packing lunches, so I'm glad for the shift. It's going to be nice to not have to find things that he will find yummy eaten cold and still hold up well in a backpack that is tossed around 14 times before the lunch box is opened.
Now: I can't get the dog to come inside and it's pissing me off because I want to go to bed. He's barking hysterically at something near the fence. I'm so irritated I just shut the door on him and turned of the light in the yard. Like that's going to help.
Monday, June 07, 2010
This "Now" thing is becoming a way too convenient default for me. Things are just bananas here (last week of school chaos with a whole bunch of new little issues sprinkled over the top).
I feel like I've been saying that for awhile now and I'm kinda getting sick of hearing myself.
Now: Flowers on my table are colorful, but getting droopy. My To-Do lists are also on the table, and are divided over multiple pieces of paper, which means something is sure to fall through the cracks. I did not knit today, but the day is not over. Okay, well maybe it is.
I did go to physical therapy today, though. We didn't work on the walking bit, but she did teach me some stretches and strengthening exercises which should help me have greater endurance (provided I continue to do them, of course). Some of these muscle groups have not worked this way in ages.
I also went to the zen center this morning. I have been there less and less these past couple of weeks since the retreat. Scheduling conflicts, not lack of desire.
Today I asked the resident monk (who is now the abbot) a question.
In my practice (both while in meditation and while in "post-meditation", if you will...ie while doing everything else I do in my life besides "formal" practice), I have been striving to cut-off the thinking that comes up that is judgmental.
For example: This is good! That is bad! I like this! I don't like that! I want this! I don't want that!
What I'm striving for instead is to just see something as it is. Period. For example, I have an apple in front of me right now. Can't it just be an apple?? Do I really need to have an entire discourse in my head about it? "Mmmm, I like apples. I wonder if this one is ripe. Oh, it has a bruise. I should eat that apple, it would be good for me. No, it's too late to be eating. Hey, I like red ones better than green. Is this organic?" My head goes on and on and on sometimes. It's a riot. I mean, can't I just look at the apple, and just see it? And when I pick it up, just feel it? And if I eat it just taste it?
Not sure if I am making any sense here. It's only, ohhhh...quarter past eleven at this point. Anyhow. I have a little wish for myself to just see things as they are and not decide how they are, because 99.9% of the time, I've assessed things wrong anyhow and then also missed out on all the fun of just letting things BE.
That being said, I've been wondering lately about this "wanting" business. I get that a whoooole lot of suffering comes from "I want this," and "I don't want that." However (and this feels like a big However), there is no way in hell I would have ever gone to or made it through culinary school, for example, had I not wanted it so badly. And there is really no way in hell I am ever going to learn to walk again if I don't want that just as badly. So do I really want to stop "wanting" things?? Seems to me that wanting things sometimes is kinda important to making them come about. I mean, I already have a huge track record of successes where great things only happened because I wanted them to happen so badly that I threw my best effort out there.
And I have also "not seen things exactly as they are" on purpose, and with much success. Like, creative visualization, if you will pardon the granola. I have used the tool of imagining things to happen as part of the process of making them happen...meaning, not seeing things as they are, but instead how I would intend them to be....kinda like the way football players will imagine themselves scoring a goal before they even go out onto the field, or the way I often rehearse a performance in my head before I hit the stage. Its' not real, it's not happening. But imagining something being done for me has proven to be quite useful in pulling it off at all.
But it feels like a conflict sometimes. I'm striving not to have these judgments, to see things how they are, and also to not be attached to the outcomes of things. Yet I know that in some cases, having a judgment (in this case, a want of something) and doing a faked-out mental process around it...well, it seems necessary. Even if I am not attached to the outcome.
Am I making any sense here? (maybe I shoulda done this tomorrow LOL)
Anyhow, I laid this question out to the monk, and he said:
There is nothing good or bad about wanting, just like there is nothing good or bad about thinking. The question is: what is your motivation for wanting this thing (whatever it is). Is it for you? Or is to help all beings?
Sleeping on it.
Sunday, June 06, 2010
Saturday, June 05, 2010
the partying began tonight
Sitting on the edge of my bed in a t-shirt and underpants, wishing like hell I was IN bed instead of ON TOP of bed, because I am so so so tired. Watching the orange cat outside the bedroom door trying to catch a moth. Looking at the white blouse I wore today and wondering how I ever managed to not spill food all over myself (like I usually do). Happy there is no reason to set an alarm clock for tomorrow.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Blondie's "Heart of Glass" is playing through the cable/radio channel on the "Classic Alternative channel. Flashbacks of school dances and roller rinks. Listening to the dishwasher clean up the party dishes (it was my mom's birthday today, and 7 of us were here indulging in multiple flavors of cupcakes and assorted slices. plus wine.) The dog's pet tags are dangling from his collar clink on his ceramic food dish. Listening to MyFavoriteKid in the den on the computer playing with an Audio Editing program, making all sorts of music. Tracking a package I sent to another birthday girl, making sure it arrived on time.
And I bought a skein of sock yarn today. Not that I needed more. That's for sure. I was just trying to kick-start the knitting mojo. For some reason it seems quite stuck. I am about to wind it into a ball, and then I'm going to cast-on a pair of plain ol' vanilla socks.
And TheMostImportantGuy just leaned over and gave me a sloppy kiss :-)