present

Another freebie friday with no freebies.
Sorry. There are other pressing matters. Stay tuned.

Current logistical stuff about dad:
Still have no idea what is wrong with him (tests= negative, negative, negative), still in the ICU, still on a ventilator, still being kept sedated, while they try to figure it all out. When they take him out of sedation, on what they call "a sedation vacation" to see how he's doing, he's responsive, which is great. Mom and TheMostImportantGuy (how I adore him) were up there all morning together while I tended to getting my broken wheelchair repaired. I came in and relieved them for the afternoon and went with dad when the took him down to the imaging department for an MRI (the current theory is that there might be some sort of damage or infection in the neck area). His drip ran out of sedation stuffs just as the MRI was ending, and they asked me to come be with him because he seems calmer when family is talking to him. He knew it was me and was able to acknowledge me with a nod of the head or a hand squeeze when I asked him things.

Having spent much time in the hospital and under sedation myself, I somehow developed an affinity for certain hospital sounds. I particularly adore the rhythmic suction noise of certain ventilators, and I looooove the whir of CT scans and MRI machines. It was very calming for me this afternoon. While they did his scan, I knit on a simple, repetitive, cozy wool wrap I have been bringing with me every....and I listened....


...and snuck photos.
Ha.


My current logistical state:
I am so thankful and grateful for the zen center and the opportunity to practice at the recent retreat (when was that?? LAST weekend?? Sheesh! What a time warp!). I am keenly aware of how present I have been able to be the last few days, and it's been such a help. I once heard a buddhist teacher say that every time you meditate it's like putting a drop of medicine in a bucket, and then when something comes up and you need the medicine, the medicine is there. I am finding that to be quite true. At the time when I heard him say that though (a few years ago), I remember thinking that even if I was meditating and I was somehow able to "make" this so-called medicine...I had no friggin' bucket. Well, I now DO have a bucket, a container if you will, and the bucket for me has been practicing at the zen center. The the forms, the practice, the sangha (the community, the people), and the teachings from the zen master there....they are the bucket. And I am so grateful.

Today I really just watched everything around me, and in me, come and go (turns out that around me and in me are becoming one and the same). My thoughts, my feelings, the events that were taking place around me...I somehow just found myself just being present, just experiencing it all, not pushing it away, not grasping onto it, just being with it.

It's been pretty dang awesome I tell you.


I have a little story about the moment where I took that picture above, actually.

Dad's ICU nurse today was the bomb. She was so attentive and caring, and just...on it. She was so focused on dad and his needs, but she was also watching my mom, and she also kept checking in with me and how I was doing.....and while they were getting dad ready to in to the MRI machine, I was just watching her, and...well, the whole team, really.....and I was just so taken by how much they all were caring about him. I mean, dad was pretty out of it, totally sedated at that moment, he will probably not remember any of it. But they treated him like he was there (which he was). And they whole crew was talking to him, even joking around with him, and telling him what was happening, and what they were doing, and how great he was doing, and I just got so full of how amazing it all was....and my eyes started to well up....totally out of appreciation.... and the nurse saw it out of the corner of her eye, and so the next time she had a moment she came over and sat down and asked me how I was, and I told her what the tears were for and that it was because I was so thankful for how great they were all being with my dad.

(And that was your daily dose of run-on sentence. Cubed.)

Anyhow, if I had been absorbed my thoughts, I would have missed that experience, and wouldn't have gotten feel what I was feeling at that moment, I guess is what I'm trying to say...and today was full of moments like that in all shapes and varieties. I was more present than usual with feelings, and sounds, and tactile sensations of all sorts, etc etc. I'm diggin' it ;-)

the rooftop "garden" at Kaiser
photo taken Wednesday when I went in for the nerve conduction study on my arm,
right before the shit with dad hit the fan

I am doing okay.
Fine.
Just exhausted.
Completely.
But I'm here, and I'm present.

snaps on saturday

live, from the center.....

simple.

Sent from my iPad

:-)

Lotsa people from other zen centers are visiting this retreat.
Get a load of what my neighbor uses as her lap blankets:

Om :-)

Sent from my iPad

this cup is already broken

"One day some people came to the master and asked 'How can you be happy in a world of such impermanence, where you cannot protect your loved ones from harm, illness and death?' The master held up a glass and said 'Someone gave me this glass, and I really like this glass. It holds my water admirably and it glistens in the sunlight. I touch it and it rings! One day the wind may blow it off the shelf, or my elbow may knock it from the table. I know this glass is already broken, so I enjoy it incredibly.'"

~~Achaan Chah Subato, Thai meditation master

I first read this years ago, long before I was practicing buddhism...and it really stuck with me....although I could swear that the word "incredibly" was replaced by "completely"....and I could also swear that he was talking about a "cup" and not a "glass".... and I only tell you about these silly little differences, because when I completely broke my favorite cup the other day, this is exactly what resounded in my head:

I know this cup is already broken; so I enjoy it completely.

Okay. Maybe it's not broken completely. It is just chipped. I do know the difference.

But let me tell you the story of this cup. I first saw it in a Peet's Coffee shop and I did not buy it because....well, sheeit...ask me if I really need another coffee cup, right?? I actually had to exercise huge amounts of self-restraint to resist buying that cup, because when I saw this cup, it brought me straight back to Paris in one big whooshing sweep of memories. I will never forget that trip, nor the moment in time that this cup reminds me of.

I was in France for two and half weeks as an exchange student during culinary school. It was a weekday morning, very early, and none of my traveling companions were awake yet. I slipped out of the hostel we were staying in, hopped on the Metro, took an exit on a whim, and when I came out of the station, there I was, next to a huge fountain on the banks of the Seine, with Notre Dame in view. There was a corner cafe, and I sat down for the best cappuccino and croissant I have ever had in my life, and I watched Parisians rushing to and fro getting to work as the sun came up and the fog lifted. I will never forget it, nor how I felt (the excitement of travel and history and all things foreign and adventurous!), and this damn cup had the power to bring it all back.

And out of self-restraint, I didn't buy it that day that I saw it at Peet's,

And out of lack of control and sentiment, I went back to buy it....and it was gone.

And then a few weeks later, I just happened to be in another Peet's in a different location, and it was there, and I practically took down a display shelf lurching at it crying, "mine! mine! mine!"

This cup transports me to Paris every single time I sip from it. I love this cup. So much so, that about a month ago, I was thinking that I realllllly needed to get rid of a few mugs from the cupboard as it was becoming crowded, and I shit you not, I said to myself, "You know...I really don't need more than one mug. If I were to keep just one, which one would it be??" And of course this is the one that wins (ask me if I actually tossed out the others, and I will hear a lazy slacker saying no).

I am attached to this mug.

I dropped the mug the other day, and it's not "broken broken", but it has chips all over the brim. No, I was not drinking from the the mug all chipped up like that....it's just been moving around the house from place to place as I cannot seem to bring myself to throw it out. There it is in that photo right next to the laptop and my bagel crumbs as I type this. Why is it next to the laptop?? So I could google around and try to find a replacement...how about that for attachment?!!!!! Sheesh. And now, as I sit here getting ready to toss it, I am of course thinking I should really try to find a way to re-purpose it somehow or something. Like here I am, in my mind, breaking it up into pieces and embedding the shards into cement and making little garden stepping stones for the new house ....because I cannot let go of this impermanent THING.

*sigh*

Yes, I know I am attached to memories, not the mug. Yes, I know that even if the mug is gone, I still have the memories (although spend a few weeks visiting convalescent hospitals like I do, and you'll know that the memories aren't always permanent either, but fuck....at least you could have your mug to maybe jog 'yer noggin'). I know that I should probably just quit being wistful about Paris for crying out loud, and just go back....because I have wanted to ever since.

I think what I have always got out of this little buddhist broken cup story, is the notion of enjoying things while you have them. And I do that. But I never quite got to the part where you contemplate the fact that you don't have to be attached to the thing if you recognize that it isn't always going to be there anyhow.


And the cup is now back on the kitchen counter again LOL.

wee little corner

The only usable spot in the new house right now....



...a little meditation spot.

Too bad we haven't had time to use it yet LOL.

This week was actually the 8-day meditation retreat at the zen center. We did it last year, and had planned to do it this year, too....but now we do "construction meditation" instead ;-)

snaps on saturday (his 'n hers style)

I am doing a 3-day meditation retreat at the zen center.
Since I am staring at the floor, that's really all I have to share.

TheMostImportantGuy, however, is doing some rehearsing with his bandmate for an upcoming gig they have in Los Angeles.
He is also "dog sitting".

-----
Sent (with love) from my iPad

tweak!

Drinking lots of oolong tea today, and playing with the camera...


..which means I am so hyped up on caffeine, all I can see in that photo is the little red thread that needs to be snipped. Tweaker.



Small updates to previous posts:

Brooke commented on my "Spindown" post saying that her inspiration/invitation was actually inspired by Janel, on her blog. Check it out if you are interested in joining the fun and spinning along---she is even offering prizes :-)

Yesterday was the first day of "tight practice" (zen meditation). Most of it went well, but I'm not too sure about the "mantra" portion of my commitment. It took a whoooole lot longer than expected to repeat a simple phrase 1000 times (one thousand! eeep!), and when I tried to speed it up, I felt dizzy and my lungs hurt LOL. Who knew chanting could be aerobic.

I might need to divide it up into chunks throughout the day or something....? Maybe get in a few (slow/non-dizzy) rounds while driving or something...?
I'll let you know what I come up with.

heart kyol che

Yet another thing that smacks of "New Year's Resolution" that I am participating in!! Seriously though, it's just odd timing that it's happening at the beginning of the year, and hey....it's only a three month commitment.



Filched directly from the flyer, but with the addition of links and notes (in italics), by me:

Kyol Che is a traditional Korean Zen retreat. The name means “tight dharma”(I have also heard it as "tight practice") or “coming together.” In Korea, it is the three-month winter and summer periods when monks and nuns do intensive sitting practice in the mountain temples. Providence Zen Center (which is the international head temple for the school of zen I practice with) holds two Kyol Che retreats annually, with students sitting up to three months in the winter and four weeks in the summer.

The Heart Kyol Che is an opportunity for students who cannot sit the traditional Kyol Che, or who can sit only part of it, to participate by doing extra practice at home and practicing together with others as they are able. This will run concurrently with the traditional Kyol Che (Monday, January 3rd through Friday, April 1st). By doing this Heart Kyol Che together, we will strengthen our own practices, and provide support to our fellow students who are able to sit the traditional Kyol Che. We in turn can draw inspiration and energy from their commitment.

If you are geographically distant, you can still participate in the Heart Kyol Che through your commitment to practice at home. Try to attend talks, sittings, and retreats at another center of the Kwan Um School of Zen (which for me, would be my local hangout, Empty Gate Zen Center).


My personal commitments:
-Daily practice as suggested (recitation of the Four Great Vows, bowing, chanting of the Heart Sutra, and sitting for 15 minutes....equates to about half an hour a day).
-Daily mantra practice (suggested minimum is one thousand repetitions).
-One personal day of silence.
-Long sittings, by way of the January and February retreats at my local zen center.
-Work practice, at my local zen center.
-Listening to dharma talks (teaching lectures) weekly, primarily online.


The MostImportantGuy has also committed to his own version, and he faxed over our sign-up sheets today. On the forms we noted the personal commitments that we are keeping during the Kyol Che period (January 3 through April 1), and this way the folks who are really sitting at the zen center through the entire three month meditation retreat (?!) will know we are there with them "in spirit".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:

Hey, I had my camera on hand very early this morning:



Early morning sunshine. First blue skies in weeks. Looking out my kitchen window. A glass hangs in the window.

(note to self: shown just as snapped)

ymjj

The Four Great Vows
sentient beings are numberless, we vow to save them all
delusions are endless, we vow to cut through them all
the teachings are infinite, we vow to learn them all
the buddha way is inconceivable, we vow to attain it

Time again for another one of those 3-day retreats at the zen center. Today it's 9:30am to 9:30pm, and right now I am typing to you from the iPad during the one hour break before dinner.

Sitting, walking, chanting, eating, bowing, kong-an practice (interviews with the zen master)....all done as forms of meditative practices. Tomorrow it will be the same, only longer, 6am to 9:30pm, and Sunday it's 6am until whenever a special ceremony ends (afternoon-ish).

These three day retreats are called YMJJ's (Yong Maeng Jong Jin...which means "to leap like a tiger while sitting"). Very fitting, as it describes my morning before coming to the retreat.

like most weekday mornings, I drove MyFavoriteKid to the bus stop. I was gone from the house for a total of 8 minutes. When I returned, there was about a twenty foot trail of feathers in my house, starting near the kitchen and ending up in my bedroom. There were even a few feathers on my bed near my pillow, and it was right after seeing those that I spotted the bird doody way up high on the window blinds. No bird to be seen. No cats to be seen.

Events that change everything in minutes.

Cat leaps like a tiger.

And I cannot save the sentient bird-beings.

Back to practicing.

-----
Sent from my iPad

clean mirror and a compass

I'm going to see if I can do some catching up on thoughts tonight, but I am also very exhausted, so let's see if I can make any of this post be coherent and on just a single pass. In other words, I'm not going to reread it or proof it, so what you see is what you get!
(a brain fart?)

Last time I wrote anything of real substance here, was on Thursday when I asked a question. ALL of the comments realllllly got me thinking (ALL of them, so thank you all SO very much) but only two of the comments had been made in time before I flew out the door on the way to the retreat at the zen center that next morning. It were those first two comments therefore that stuck with me during the first day of the retreat.

Margaret in Ontario wrote:

Thoughts about this system... What if the giving you're doing now is actually you paying back for kindnesses etc that you have already received? That is, it sounds like you are assuming that your deeds or giving or whatever are the first ones in this give-out-and-then-get-back equation, but what if it's the other way around? As sure as your giving is part of someone else's get-back, your get-back is part of someone else's giving. I'll hazard a guess that there have been people who have given to you at some time in your life; maybe this giving of yours now is actually you catching up, not initiating something new. Or rather, you are initiating something new AS WELL AS giving back for past kindnesses, because, as you say, it's not about keeping score and giving back to the same person who gave to you, tidily, in equal measure. It's a cycle, a great big messy complicated one, with everyone giving and getting simultaneously.

Well, holy crap, if that didn't just hit me across the side of the head! I mean...DUH.
Margaret, thank you so very much for your words. I have been the recipient of MUCH giving over the years (how quickly we forget), especially during the year or two after the car accident (like I said---DUH). During those years, I would venture to say that nothing BUT receiving was going on from my end. I didn't have much to give, even when I wanted to.

As I was driving the retreat, I was suddenly catapulted into the awareness that everything I do out there in the universe really needs to be presented as a, "Thank You," and I didn't even get it that I was doing things for people and sort of saying, "Please," every time. Not quite a, "do for me now too please" sort of please, but more like a "Please, Universe, I'll put my good out....and Universe, you please be good to me in return." It really smacks of not trusting, if you think about it.

Truly truly humbling to be reminded that my actions could be generated from a place of thanks for things already received (rather than a please for future needs to be met), and I cannot thank you enough for putting that out there, Margaret.

Now.
That being said.
Operating even from THAT perspective is STILL a belief system.

Or it could become one.

Let me explain (or try to, from this state of exhaustion). What I think I am getting to know better as the result of my meditation practice is my tendency to grasp at something. Anything. Everything. My tendency to fixate on something, my tendency to come to conclusions. My need to make things stable, to create patterns. My need to figure things out, and feel done, and be ready to move on to the next thing. It's a problem actually, because honestly....the world does not seem to work that way. The world is NOT fixed, the world changes. It is constantly shifting and moving, and so deciding how I am going to respond to this or having ideas about how things should be is pretty damn ridiculous really, if I think about it....because each moment is it's own new thing, and not all moments are asking of me for the same behavior.

Is this making sense? I can't tell from here. Feels rambly.

Anyhow. What I DON'T want to do (as great as acting from a place of thanks may be) is to take my old belief system of "what goes around, comes around," and replace it with the next new thing that I will also just get stuck and fixated on.

I DO, however, believe that acting from a place of gratitude is a MUCH better way of doing things (sure feels better at least, so far)...and what I think it should become for me is A PRACTICE, a WAY of DOING things, not a belief system.

Follow?

Okay.
So the next thing that happened over the weekend of the retreat was that I had an opportunity to ask the visiting teacher that was leading the retreat about all of this during a one on one interview with him. What he had to say about it was pretty much what Fuzzarelly said (so I guess this makes you a zen master, dude LOL)...

...and what Fuzzarelly said was:

Your belief system doesn't operate on a schedule. I think positive actions spawn positive reactions. In their own time.

What the visiting teacher had to say was that my belief system was not wrong. He said things DO come, just as things DO go.
My problem was how I viewed time.


Now, it's interesting...but TheMostImportantGuy was also at the retreat this weekend, and we shared with each other about our interviews, and the teacher talked with him about how you can tell whether or not what you doing is the right thing or not. The instruction was (in my own words here) to look at your internal compass and see where it is pointing. Is it pointing towards helping others? If it is? Correct action.


There was one more thing that happened during the retreat in relation to this topic. At some point the words of my school's founding teacher came back to me.

If someone is thirsty, give them a drink.
When you are tired, go to sleep.

The general gist of this (from a beginning student here) is that we do meditation practice for a reason: to clear our mind, make it like a mirror, so that it reflects what is right in front of us. A mirror doesn't have history, stories, rules, and all the other shit we throw all over the place. A mirror is a clear reflection of what is there. And if our minds are clear, we can see the given moment for just that moment, and we will have the clarity to function correctly in that moment. If someone is thirsty, give them a drink. And then on to the next moment. No story. No history. No belief system. Just doing the right thing in that moment, then *poof!*. Moment gone. Next moment. New reflection in the mirror. No reflection ever the same, therefore having a belief system in place pre-determining what to do is not so clear.
My job in all this?

Keep mirror clean. Check compass. Perform correct function.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, there were some other "comments" left about that post, by the way. They just weren't necessarily left in the comments SECTION of my blog. I've had people email, leave voicemail messages, chat online with me about it, or catch me by way of US Postal Service.

My mom's response to all of this was to leave me a wonderful voicemail and then when she stopped by on Friday afternoon (to pick up MyFavoriteKid after school while I was at the retreat), she cleaned my kitchen. (thank you, mom!!!)

At least three of you let me know you were worried that you were on my list of non-givers in my life, and weren't (believe me, if you were on that list, you heard about it. I did not go quietly.)

And one of you did this:


The mondo-over-the-top care package extraordinaire from Rebecca, whom I met while I was on the Knot Hysteria Retreat back in July.

I know this is going to sound quite shitty of me, but when I got the package, there were a couple of minutes where I could not figure out who it was from!! The return address only showed Rebecca's first initial and her last name (and I didn't call her by her last name on the retreat!). There was a card included, but I couldn't make out her signature! From what was written in the card, I knew the package was being sent as a result of my blogpost about giving/receiving....and I honestly had no idea Rebecca had been following my blog since the retreat. I also had no idea she had my address (I had completely forgotten we had all exchanged info on a sign-up sheet at the end of the address).

Anyhow, it only took a minute or two to figure out, but I feel a little silly about it because for a moment there it was a whole Secret PenPal sort of thing going on. I mean, holy crap, will you look what is in that box??? There's lace yarn, sock yarn, some yummy pink silk yarn, some fiber for spinning....and three kinds of chocolate!!!

Rebecca my dear, you REALLY out-did yourself. It was so unexpected I have not gotten over it. Thank you soooo much! :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok. Long post. Hope it made a little bit of sense. If not, well...come back another time when I am sure there will be something shorter and sweeter. It's like that around here. When it rains, it pours ;-)

I'm off to bed to see if I can fix this tired thing. XO

snaps on saturday

doorway to dharma room
hallway lined with our dining bowls/linens/utensils

-----
Sent with love from my iPad

(not exactly) silent

Retreats at the zen center are always practiced in silence.

This time the opening instruction given was to not only keep quiet, but to use less words inside of our heads, too.

Kind of like when you walk down a hallway and hear a conversation in another room, and you stop or slow down and strain to hear a few words...? Well, when that happens inside your head, keep going. The instruction is: Don't Listen.

So this is all ya' get today outta me word-wise today (already too much!) and then a Snapshot On Saturday tomorrow. Sunday evening I shall return. Full of words,I am sure.

PS...Margaret in Ontario, I adore you. Thank you thank you. More on that soon ;-)

-----
Sent with love from my iPad

do you see what i see

Last weekend TheMostImportantGuy said, "Oh hey! I want you to take this little 'test!"

You might want to click HERE to watch the video, because for some reason blogger
is cutting off half the danged screen

Now, y'all....DO take a moment right here, right now, and click on that video. Do not skimp, dudes. Chances are, most of you have already seen it (or some version of it)....but if you have not, do watch it. Okay?

Come on.

I'll wait.

Alright.

Done?

Ok. Cool.



Now, which fifty-percent were YOU in??

I watched the first section of the video, got all excited and shouted out, "Seventeen!!". Now for starters, seventeen was not even the correct answer....but even more incorrect was that I entirely missed the gorilla. ENTIRELY. That damn gorilla strolled in, stopped in the middle of the room, pounded his chest, and walked back out....and I still missed the damn thing.

I have been tripping out on this news all week long. This is really linked to meditation practice for me. Much of what I attempt to do with my thoughts (as I work on sitting and breathing and just letting thoughts cruise on through without my attaching to them) is to just let thoughts be thoughts. To just see them as they are. To notice the thought, exactly as it is, and then stop right there, and not embellish any further.

And example of embellishing might be...well, okay....let's say I'm sitting and meditating and I hear a dog bark. I can notice the sound of barking. And I can stop there. Or I could also start wondering why the dog is barking. Is that dog on a leash? Is it in distress? Is something wrong? Is there a burglar? Maybe it is sensing an earthquake coming. I wish it would quit barking. I wonder if it's a golden retriever. Hey, that kind of sounds like a golden retriever. Is it hungry? Maybe it just sees a squirrel.

See? Several minutes later and my brain has turned the sound of a bark (which is now looong gone, by the way) into a whole friggin' story. A fictional story.


And so now, having seen this little video "test", I now I have to ask myself:
Am I even assessing correctly that the barking sound I just heard was even a bark??
(ie...maybe it was a gorilla, if you get my drift)

And just how many other things in my life am I not seeing exactly as they are???!! Fifty-friggin' percent??

I have a hunch more.

on the road again

In between everything else that was going on this week, I started getting TheMiniMaison (my conversion van) in tip-top shape for summer travels.

We are starting out with a small run this weekend.

Loading time!
~~Ohhh, how I love da van~~

Here's what we're up to:

There is a guy who is affiliated with the zen center we go to. He lives quite a ways up north (4 to 5 hours north), but he does travel down to our center sometimes for the longer retreats. I got a chance to talk to him at the end of that big 8-day Retreat back in Feb/Mar, which was not an easy thing to do, lemme tell ya'. Kinda hard to meet people when you are keeping silence and staring at the floor.

Anyhow. I found out that he leads a very casual meditation gathering up where he lives, and then once a month or so on a weekend he leads a longer full day sort of thing. He told us we're welcome to come up any time and that he has space for us to camp, so...off we go!

Only bummer is that this retreat is tomorrow, and TheMIG couldn't leave work early tonight. Our first plan was to wake up super-duper early (4am-ish??) and drive up to be there for the start at 10am.

Five hours of driving.
Not counting stops.
On the curvy highway roads through the redwoods.

Hmm.

Well, our second plan is to leave tonight around 7:30-8 and get a couple of hours of that driving under our belt. Park overnight. Then we get up in the morning (still early, but less early) and do the last 2 or 3 hours of driving to get us there at 10am.

Sounds much better.

Except we do not have a firm plan for where we are staying overnight.

I'm totally self contained, and my van is compact. It fits in a regular parking spot no problem, so it's not as obvious as an RV. But I've always always parked at an actual campground or RV Park, or in front of the house of someone I know. I have a hunch that tonight we might be parking at a Truck Stop or a rest area (I've sniffed out what is between here and there, so at least I have a vague idea), but I'm still a bit freaked out about the whole idea.

TheMIG tells me he has done lots of this "back in the day" while he was touring with his band, and that besides: this is good practice for the apocalypse (we both have recently read The Road).

Somehow I do not find this settling.

I made him go out and buy multiple bottles of pepper spray and I am going to velcro one to the nightstand I think. And maybe one to him. LOL



Now: I am watching TheMostImportantGuy on his webcam right now (he's at work on his laptop having a Bizzness meeting). Entertaining to watch, as always. There's no sound but I like to guess what he is talking about by his facial expressions. I am wishing he was on his way here instead so that we could go! My pissed off kitteh is howling because I have shut his door the outside world, and I'm sure he knows that this is not just for today but for several days, as the dog is missing (he's already at the kennel).

This "Now" thing is becoming a way too convenient default for me. Things are just bananas here (last week of school chaos with a whole bunch of new little issues sprinkled over the top).
I feel like I've been saying that for awhile now and I'm kinda getting sick of hearing myself.


Now: Flowers on my table are colorful, but getting droopy. My To-Do lists are also on the table, and are divided over multiple pieces of paper, which means something is sure to fall through the cracks. I did not knit today, but the day is not over. Okay, well maybe it is.


I did go to physical therapy today, though. We didn't work on the walking bit, but she did teach me some stretches and strengthening exercises which should help me have greater endurance (provided I continue to do them, of course). Some of these muscle groups have not worked this way in ages.

I also went to the zen center this morning. I have been there less and less these past couple of weeks since the retreat. Scheduling conflicts, not lack of desire.

Today I asked the resident monk (who is now the abbot) a question.

In my practice (both while in meditation and while in "post-meditation", if you will...ie while doing everything else I do in my life besides "formal" practice), I have been striving to cut-off the thinking that comes up that is judgmental.

For example: This is good! That is bad! I like this! I don't like that! I want this! I don't want that!

What I'm striving for instead is to just see something as it is. Period. For example, I have an apple in front of me right now. Can't it just be an apple?? Do I really need to have an entire discourse in my head about it? "Mmmm, I like apples. I wonder if this one is ripe. Oh, it has a bruise. I should eat that apple, it would be good for me. No, it's too late to be eating. Hey, I like red ones better than green. Is this organic?" My head goes on and on and on sometimes. It's a riot. I mean, can't I just look at the apple, and just see it? And when I pick it up, just feel it? And if I eat it just taste it?

Not sure if I am making any sense here. It's only, ohhhh...quarter past eleven at this point. Anyhow. I have a little wish for myself to just see things as they are and not decide how they are, because 99.9% of the time, I've assessed things wrong anyhow and then also missed out on all the fun of just letting things BE.

That being said, I've been wondering lately about this "wanting" business. I get that a whoooole lot of suffering comes from "I want this," and "I don't want that." However (and this feels like a big However), there is no way in hell I would have ever gone to or made it through culinary school, for example, had I not wanted it so badly. And there is really no way in hell I am ever going to learn to walk again if I don't want that just as badly. So do I really want to stop "wanting" things?? Seems to me that wanting things sometimes is kinda important to making them come about. I mean, I already have a huge track record of successes where great things only happened because I wanted them to happen so badly that I threw my best effort out there.

And I have also "not seen things exactly as they are" on purpose, and with much success. Like, creative visualization, if you will pardon the granola. I have used the tool of imagining things to happen as part of the process of making them happen...meaning, not seeing things as they are, but instead how I would intend them to be....kinda like the way football players will imagine themselves scoring a goal before they even go out onto the field, or the way I often rehearse a performance in my head before I hit the stage. Its' not real, it's not happening. But imagining something being done for me has proven to be quite useful in pulling it off at all.

But it feels like a conflict sometimes. I'm striving not to have these judgments, to see things how they are, and also to not be attached to the outcomes of things. Yet I know that in some cases, having a judgment (in this case, a want of something) and doing a faked-out mental process around it...well, it seems necessary. Even if I am not attached to the outcome.

Am I making any sense here? (maybe I shoulda done this tomorrow LOL)

Anyhow, I laid this question out to the monk, and he said:
There is nothing good or bad about wanting, just like there is nothing good or bad about thinking. The question is: what is your motivation for wanting this thing (whatever it is). Is it for you? Or is to help all beings?


Good question.
Sleeping on it.

how are you?

I had a conversation the other day with TheMostImportantGuy about how to respond to people when they ask, "So...How are you?"

Now, we all know the ins-n-outs of what saying "fine" often means, and what happens when you respond by telling people how you really are, so I wont bother getting into all that here. For me personally, I sorted out this whole little conundrum of how to reply in my early 20's. I came up with a workable formula for myself. It looked something kinda like:

WhoIsAsking + TimeAvailable ~divided by~ DoIEvenKnowHowIamDoing
= HowIamGoingToRespond

Based on the maths, I'd either tell you I was fine, or I'd let you in and tell you a little bit about myself. I have a hunch that I have been operating this way for two decades, unwaveringly. It's totally subconscious by now. Auto-pilot. But lately, I am finding myself responding to the "how are you" question in some very odd ways. It's as if the part of my brain doing the formula-thang has decided to go have a margarita or something.

Ok. Probably not.

I think what is really happening, is that for the past several months I've been working on cultivating the habit of noticing what is going on RIGHT NOW, right in front of me, then attempting to act or respond accordingly. So these days when you ask me how I am doing, I become highly aware of what is right smack in front of me, and then out comes this blurt of how (or what) I am doing (or hearing or seeing or smelling or feeling) right now, right this very second.

And by blurt I mean I am saying stuff like:

How are you doing?
Toast is burnt.
How are you doing?
Grass is green, sky is blue.
How are you doing?
I hate my refrigerator.
How are you doing?
Wash your bowls.

I mean, it makes no sense. It's gibberish. Except that it's my truth at that moment of your asking. It is what is most on my mind or in front of me when you ask, and I kid you not, it just FLIES out of my mouth unless I catch myself. Unfortunately, I've been honing the "being in the moment" practice so well that the "blurt" is now actively taking place before the "I'm fine" response has a kick in. And it's not very appropriate, and it's not making me any friends (just ask people like the grocery store clerk or the UPS guy), and it may end up getting me set up for some sort of psychiatric evaluation.

Okay, so I tell TheMIG about this the other day (as he is currently practicing the cultivation of the In-The-Moment-Thang, too), and he says to me that when he was little, he used to just respond to "how are you" in the moment naturally (the way little kids will do) and he started to realized he was being asked to say "fine" and he didn't want to, because that isn't really what he was feeling...so he developed HIS version of "the formula". And he's been doing it for even twice as many decades than I have done MY formula.

His formula is to always respond with a statement about physicality.

How are you?
Tired.
How's it going?
Hungry.
How are ya'?
My eyes are burning from looking at the computer too long.


I bet hungry and tired are his top two. Seems to me he's almost always one or the other. LOL

Anyhow, it's an interesting strategy. It's the truth. It's in the moment. And it's relatively palatable to the outside world. I might give it a try. But usually when someone asks me how I am doing, my impulse is to scan my f-f-f-feeeeelings, not my body. So this could get interesting.

i've been pondering this quote for a few days now...

We don't see things as they are,
we seem them as we are.
~~Anais Nin

The more I observe myself and note the way my brain ticks, the more I believe this observation to be totally accurate.

The flip side of this (coming from what I am learning via meditating more) is:
The more I get "me" out of the way (ie...the more there is no "me"), the more I do see things as they are.



End of granola ;-)

have you ever tried to be like a log??

When the urge arises in your mind
To feelings of desire or angry hate,
Do not act! Be silent, do not speak!
And like a log of wood be sure to stay.

And when your mind is wild or filled with mockery,
Or filled with pride and haughty arrogance,
Or when you would expose another's secret guilt,
To bring up old dissensions or to act deceitfully,

Or when you want to fish for praise,
Or criticize and spoil another's name,
Or use harsh language, sparring for a fight,
It's then that like a log you should remain.

And when you yearn for wealth, attention, fame,
A circle of retainers serving you,
And when you look for honors, recognition,
It's then that like a log you should remain.

And when you inclined to overlook another's need
And want to get the best thing for yourself,
And when you feel the urge to speak,
It's then that like a log you should remain.

Impatience, indolence, faintheartedness,
And likewise arrogance and careless speach,
Attachment to your side--when these areise,
It's then that like a log you should remain.

Examine thus yourself from every side.
Take note of your defilements and your pointless efforts.
For the the heroes on the Bodhisattva path
Seize firmly on such faults with proper remedy.

With perfect and unyielding faith,
With steadfastness, respect, and courtesy.
With conscientiousness and awe,
Work calmly for the happiness of others.

The Way of The Bodhisattva*
by Shantideva
Chapter 5 "Vigilant Introspection", verses 48-55

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sooo, this text I am quoting from was written a loooong time ago (700 A.D.-ish), when apparently things like reactions and behaviors were not so much different. I have a few different translations of this text. No matter how it is translated, I can always easily pick out several of those behaviors I perform on a regular basis. And no matter which version I look at, in these passages you are instructed to remain either a log or a piece of wood.

I dunno about you, but any given day (like *ahem* today), I can experience a multitude of these pesky little issues. Remain like a log, I do not. Sometimes. Other times, I do remain like a log. Boy, lemme tell ya'---it's interesting what a difference just a few moments of Log-ness can do for a gal ;-)

One of the commentaries I have read recently on this section refers to remaining like a log as "just not doing the habitual thing" (the habitual thing often being to throw kerosene on the fire in an attempt to put it out. Duh.). So if you are remaining like a log, it isn't like you are just sitting there doing nothing. It's more like you are actively just sitting there doing nothing.

Not sure if that difference makes any sense, but try doing it next time you get pissed and I think you'll notice the difference pretty quick LOL.
Sometimes (possibly always, I am beginning to believe) thinking about these things is not nearly as effective as just doing them.



*Bodhisattva: a being whose actions promote unity or harmony; one who vows to postpone one's own enlightenment in order to help all sentient beings realize liberation; one who seeks enlightenment not only for oneself but for others.

since then. thinking.

Many days spent in retreat, practicing "not attaching to thinking"...
with the final result being that my last hour or so has been spent thinking and thinking and thinking about how badly I wanted to get home so that I could lay down with my TherapyBallThingy underneath my excruciatingly aching low back (cause by all that sitting/practicing).
Funny thing, to me. LOL

more floor

So this is an addendum to yesterday's post. Mouse was had said that if I am going to stare at the floor for so long, she wondered if it was at least a nice one.

That photo is a pretty great shot of it (I used it onece before here), and you can also see more photos of it here (the zen center website--just click and let the photos scroll through the slide show on the home page). One of the reasons I like that photo above though, is that it is taken from where I often end up sitting. It's not like we have assigned seats or anything, but the corner spots are usually easier for me to get up and down from (crutches, and all that).

So the floor. Lemme tell ya', I have a very interesting relationship with the floor of this place. You see, many years ago (beginning in 1994 for me, actually), long before the zen center purchased this building from it's previous owner, it was on long term lease to none other but my very own dance teacher and her partner.

This is the building that I learned to dance in. For years, every week, on Thursday nights, I sat on a mat (longer, full body) on this floor, doing the same warm-up series that I now teach (my teacher passed away in 1999 and I started co-teaching the class in 2000).

This is the floor where I danced my very first solo, and where I rehearsed my very first performances, and where I circle-danced on solstices and equinoxes with my fellow classmates. I have rolled around on this floor as a dancer, and when I practice meditation sometimes I swear I am merging with it once again. Heck, we're both made of cells, right? It's just a floor, and I'm just a person, and only because of how those cells ended up being organized, no??

I have a deep connection to the floor. To the whole space, really. When we would rehearse a dance piece, sometimes these geese from across the street would honk, and the geese still honk during meditation all these years later! And the windows, which are squares of various shades of opaque glass...the whole room shifts and changes and sun filters in. The kitchen and bathroom still have their classic tile, and the garden outside, even though tended to differently, still has some of the same features, especially the larger trees.

I love this place, and when it became a zen center and my teacher and her partner needed to relocate (because they couldn't manage to purchase the building when the owner sold it), I was shook up for a bit. It was quite the shift getting used to the new place. I now have the same deep love for our current space. But I never ever thought that I'd see the inside of the old space again.

And now, here I sit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, and by the way....



Can you believe it's March?!