Wednesday, April 18, 2007

trying to keep at it

Well, it was my intention to write everyday for awhile to see what happened, and then on Monday I'd decided that I'd given myself the weekend off, and now here it is Wednesday, and I still haven't sat down to write something.

Why?
Because all I have to write about is this attack of insanity that I have been experiencing the last 4 days, and I really dont want to see it in print. But it's day 5 and I'm still feeling insane, so I figure whatthefuck.

Let me try presenting this as a math problem.

(auto accident induced fears of being alone + busy Boyfriend + visiting people at a convalescnet hospital who get no visitors)

~multiplied by~

(stress of buying a house + insomnia + raging pms)

~divided by~

(poor eating habits...sugar! salt! caffeine! chocolate! + too much physical work/moving/packing + not telling anyone that I'm not doing so good)

~equals~

Big giant mess, a couple piles of soggy tissues and a few anxiety attaks.


So what I've been doing for four days is this:
Functioning. And then when no one is looking, falling apart.


Pat me on the head and say poor baby, if you like...but please dont lecture me on what I should or should not do to make things better. I've had three years now to try therapy, medications, read self help books, gain the support of friends and family, listen to advice about it, write about it, meditate on it, talk about it, make art about it....

Sometimes this just happens. I know what my circumstances are. I know what sets me off. I know what to do when things get bad. And I know what preventative measures to take so that things don't even get bad in the first place.

But every once in awhile, the timing of the universe is just comical. I slip with my shoring-up-of-myself routine right at the exact moment when trigger-ish events push all of my (I have many, it seems) buttons.

I'll be fine.
Messed up for a few days, but fine.

And that's why I haven't been here in a few days.

23 comments:

Jeannette said...

If it's any consolation at all (Hi, I'm new :D ) I've actually gone and learned to knit because of you. :)

Kendra said...

Hang in there!

Sara said...

Poor baby! (pat, pat, pat)

Anonymous said...

it's all part of the great purge

kmkat said...

Could be worse. You could have a great big zit on the end of your nose. (Please tell me you don't.) Feel better soon, and I know you will. Luckily for us, the timing of the universe is such that whatever happens today is soon superceded by what happens tomorrow and the next day.

Oh, and before I forget... (*pat, pat, pat*)

Janice in GA said...

At one point in my life I had a GREAT boss. The dept. I was working in went from 3 people to 1 (me), and while I could generally keep things under control, I'd get VERY stressed about it from time to time. I was able to tell that boss that at times like that, the best thing he could do was 1) ask if I needed anything, and 2) to pat me on the shoulder and say "Poor baby -- it'll get better." And he would actually DO it.

So.. is there anything I can help you with? Anything I can do FOR you? Cuz it'll get better in time. Poor baby. You'll be ok. {pats metaphorical shoulder}

:)

Carrie said...

Gack! No fun! I hope you feel better soon, and hit a calm spell.

Um, my word verification for this comment is "eggon", so... you go, girl! =) Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

JessZ said...

Poor babe. Anxiety sucks. I hope you hit that magic combo of things that makes it all go away soon. (That's how it works for me).

Carol said...

Hugs. You're in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

*sympathetic nod* pat pat poor baby

-Gwen

TheBon said...

I miss you. I can't wait until my crazy dies down and I can get back to my normal life. Hang in B. Hang in.

Wheelchair Dancer said...

You are as you are. And it is as it is.

HUGS

WCD

kathy in juneau said...

Sorry you've hit this rough patch. Hang in there ..
xo

Sheepish Annie said...

So sorry that things aren't going too well right now. Sounds like it's all pretty overwhelming. I hope that it gets smoother for you soon.

M-H said...

Hang in, hang on. Darkest hour before dawn.

HoJo said...

I totally get the ups and downs. There's nothing worse during the downs for (well meaning) people who don't have the downs lecturing you on how to get out of them. Thank you for posting about it, someone who thinks they're alone in this will see and know that its somewhat "normal" to have these kind of days. And hopefully, it will pass soon for you.

DianeS said...

Our family had a phrase "Independent little cuss, aren't you?" Make the effort to ask friends/family for help. It's hard to do, but they are willing to help your independent little cussy self!

Cara said...

I find that in situations like these, knowing all the reasons why I feel the way I feel doesn't necessary make the anxiety lessen, but it doesn't stick around as long as it might if I wasn't aware of why it was there. Does that make sense?

You HAVE to take care of yourself! YOU MUST. And let other people take care of you too.

not supergirl said...

Hang in there, we'll still be reading when you're ready to write again. But honestly, I appreciate that you wrote what you did about what's up right now. I hope this patch is over quickly.

Jodie said...

Moving and packing always brings the grumpy amputee out of me. Carrying heavy things is not something I do very well. Not only does it remind me of my limitations, but it forces me to be dependant on other people, which for a long time I really hated.

I now just accept my downs as an amputee. There are always good days and bad days.

Things will get better. Hugs.htt

no-blog-rachel said...

Awww..HUG...patpatpat...I've been there! Actually we just signed a house contract today so I'm partially there with you. I'm impressed that you know yourself so well and what you do and don't need.

It's evident from all these comments that there are a lot of us out here who are pulling for you! I hope it helps.

<*another hug*>

Romi said...

Sending good thoughts your way. Hang in there!

Jen said...

Poor dear. :(

Not to sound bossy but sometimes all you can do is the next thing. Whatever that is.