Sunday, May 25, 2008

hermitish

For a person who is naturally social and chatty, I have spent a whole lot of time lately in the company of only myself. I just spent thirty minutes writing a whole bunch of excuses for how my life has ended up that way, but that is exactly the problem. I keep making excuses.

It's true that when I moved last summer I lost TheEx-as-built-in-babysitter on Wednesday nights (the night of my old Stitch-N-Bitch and the one here in my new town). It's true that when I invite people to hang out that we are all too busy to get our calendars to mesh, or that nobody wants to drive far to see one another. It's true that I've been stood up or canceled on so many times that I don't even really feel like extending invitations anymore.

These are truths. Truths that I use as excuses.

Another truth is that I DO spend time with people. Great people.**

Every Tuesday night MyFavoriteKid and I join my parents for a family dinner. Which I love. Every Thursday morning, my dad and I run our errands together. Which I love. I visit the convalescent hospital once a week, and spend time visiting and listening to the stories of many great (coherent and fascinating) folks. And I love it. I see MyFavoriteKid (almost) every day (unless he's with his dad). Which I love, and wouldn't trade for anything. I also see TheMostImportantGuy a couple of times a week. Time I adore with a person I adore.

**It would be remiss of me not to mention the time I spend chatting with a couple of friends I hold very near and dear to my heart. They might be online friendships, but they definitely count. (Mousie, where are youuuuuuuu?!?!?)

I love all of the time spent with all of these people. And I still feel like I lack friendship. It's not that the great big list there doesn't count for something... it most certainly does. But it's my family, it's people I do volunteer work for, it's my son, it's my Beloved. It's friends I can't spend time with in real time.

I don't have friends that I get together with.

And it's been depressing me. I'm pretty sure it was TheBon I was chatting with about this a few months ago. Not spending time with friends is sort of a "low grade" depression. Not a sinking pit of black hell, just this nagging buzz of dissatisfaction. It's a strange little place to be. It makes me feel sort of "hermitish".

It's taken me awhile, but I have finally got off my arse and have tried to make this situation better. It has been interesting because even though I had come to recognize what the problem was, I couldn't seem to jump right in and fix it. I mean, I felt like I should have had an easy time reversing this dilemma, but I just couldn't get in gear. I kept crawling back into my hermit cave.

Finding a way to get out of this lonely mess has sort of felt like the joke:
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this."
"So stop doing that."

I mean, you'd think that if I missed time with friends, I would just make plans and spend time with them. And I suppose, in the end, it really is that simple. But at the beginning it was like I was really stuck on stupid for a bit, and I couldn't figure out how to do it.

Well, I've made some baby steps in the last couple of weeks.

I've been calling people more often. Just to talk and check in.

I invited Ms.Donna over, so we could hang out and get our kids together (I boffed that one up because I got the weekends I am with MyFK backwards). At least I made the effort to head in the right direction. We are going to try again in a few weeks.

Last night I entertained TheMIG's co-worker and wife here at the house, and then we all went out to dinner together for an amazing gastronomic affair.

Today I spent a few hours with my closest girlfriend, whom I have missed far too much.

Things are getting better. Now I just need to figure out how to a) keep it going, and b) find a way to get to a friggin' knitting function of some sort.

hint: workin' on it!

8 comments:

The Bon said...

It was me that you were talking to about the low-grade depression. Way to go on starting the process of getting out of it!

jodi said...

I think it's easy to let this slip, this effort required to spend time with friends. I used to see my friends all the time, then we all started moving to different cities and I just stopped making the effort with my new, geographically closer friends (we did just have a party last week and a bunch of those old friends came and slept over, but there wasn't any chance for one-on-one time with any of them like we used to have). We all feel like we're too busy when we're not, really. Glad to hear you're pulling yourself out of the lonely slough. I've got to work to do the same.

TheAmpuT said...

The Bon ~ I was pretty sure that was you! My brain has been a little bit fuzzy lately, though!

jodi ~ Seemed like it was super easy when I was in my 20's. I wonder why it takes so much more effort now?

mouse said...

*pokes head out from under moving boxes* currently attempting to get life somewhere close to "back to normal".. miss you!

Kim Ayres said...

Glad you're making steps- it's really important.

One of the reasons it can seem harder now is to do with how much you value yourself. Do you deserve friends? Do you want to bother them?

It's these kinds of feelings which make it harder to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, let's get together"

But guess what? You are worthy, and people do like your company.

The kind of person you'd love to be wouldn't hesitate to make the calls :)

TheAmpuT said...

mouse ~ good lord woman, I am SO glad you found me online to chat today! Yay!

Kim ~ Thank you, Dr. Ayers ;-)
I think you have a point, although it isn't quite resonating with me. At the moment. Maybe because I'm making an effort and it is getting better. I'll have to ponder that a bit.

Kim Ayres said...

Ah well, I can't be right all the time ;)

TheAmpuT said...

Kim ~ but when you're "on", you're "right on" ;-)