Monday, June 30, 2008

far from serene

my new solar powered garden buddha
from qvc (shut up)


I want to be all glowing and calm and serene and breathing and shit.

I am not.

On the surface things are doing pretty okay, I guess. I mean, I have a mountain of laundry and way too many dirty dishes stacked up, but that happens. Not unique. And I'm doing laundry and washing dishes and still finding a little time for myself. So life isn't all that bad.

I dunno.

I think I am getting anxious about getting ready to go on tour...maybe?? I'm not so nervous about being on tour, but it feels like there are a lot of things I need to tend to now in order to be able to be gone for two weeks. The to-do list is big again. Maybe that's it.....??

I think there is something else going on with me though. It has something to do with feeling less supported by people...maybe?? Like, when I need something, I feel like I have less and less people I can go to...?? People are too busy, people are aging, people are away, people are dying.

I don't know. I think in a way I just feel "less supported". Like there is less of a foundation of support underneath me...not that the actual people in my life aren't "in support of me," if that makes any sense at all. The people are they, and they love me and support me, it just feels like I have less places to go when I need help, or advice, or to talk, or to get a hug.

I guess it just feels like it is all shifting, and things (including people, but not just people) I could count on to always be there as a source of comfort....they're just not always there anymore. Or if they are, they aren't functioning in a supportive capacity anymore. And I haven't backfilled with a replacement.

Ooooohhhh, I am babbling!! This is what happens close to midnight over here these days. Hahahahaha.
Sorry.
And thanks for listening.
I'm going to publish this right now, because if I go back to edit it, I will probably erase the whole damned thing.
Please pardon if it is disjointed. Like my brain ;-)

11 comments:

The Bon said...

You know I'm always around if you need me. Even if messenger says I'm away, I might not be [I've been putting up my puttering away message when I'm back and forth and then forgetting to take it down].

JohnK said...

I'm feeling a bit the same, and I'm not going on tour.

not even in the San Jose show (my fault).

Sometimes on line.... and chatting

Kim Ayres said...

I want to be all glowing and calm and serene and breathing and shit

Hey, I've got the 5th one down to a fine art if you need any advice...

EkC said...

Makes sense, I think. Plus, sometimes you may feel like you really need a certain support from a certain person, and they aren't there because they live far away, or are unavailable, or whatnot, and you therefore you feel "less" supported because you can't get the support you need. Just my thoughts on it, anyways. :)

innkeeper said...

Consider yourself hugged.

Seems like we're all out here sort of floating around in the same situation. Personally, our lives have changed to the point where we're now the support people for others. My husband's mother is dying and took a turn for the worse today. It's long, drawn-out and painful. The support we have to give will only increase. If I had to choose a word for how I feel when all the people and organizations we belong to start counting on me for support, it would be "diluted."

Sometimes it helps just to know that others are out there thinking about YOU. So I'm sending you good thoughts today.

no-blog-rachel said...

Awww...sorry I'm not physically closer. **HUGS** anyway. I hope you feel better soon.

TheAmpuT said...

the bon ~ thank you :-)

johnk ~ maybe it's in the air? what San Jose show??? San Jose, CALIFORNIA?? And I look for you online all the time, but I don't see you!

kim ~ HA!

ekc ~ That's a piece of it, but some people are still there. Just in a different capacity. Whole other level of weirdness.

innkeeper ~ yes, that is one of the twists, for sure. And THANK YOU for sending me good thoughts :-)

rachel ~ thank you! Cyber counts :-) although I do wish you were closer, too! We gotta hook up one of these days somewhere other than a big chaotic yarn fest!

Mouse said...

*hugs* ditto.. dude. Ditto.

Dragonfly said...

First I want to say that even though I just "met" you, I do understand what you are saying. I recently changed jobs and while we were all miserable at the old job, we were miserable and supportive together. When I changed jobs I found a job I love but I feel like I lost a bunch of those people I counted on because I can no longer talk to them much. Which is a long way of saying I understand and (((hugs))) to you.

I have to add that Kim's comment made me laugh in amongst the rest.

TheAmpuT said...

mouse ~ *hugs back* nice chatting with you yesterday, too :-)

dragonfly ~ thanks for the hug!

sexy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.