Tuesday, January 13, 2009

ten on tuesday

Let's try this again, and see if I get to 10 this time ;-)

Ten On Tuesday
10 Things You're Really Good At

1. Knitting.

2. Buying yarn when I don't really need it.

3. Jumping from irritation to anger.

4. Critiquing restaurants.

5. Cooking and entertaining.

6. Empathizing with other people.

7. Noticing the tiny little things in life that belong on a gratitude list.

8. Putting my foot in my mouth.

9. Creating paper bags full of unopened mail.

10. Wasting time.

..........oh, there is a #11.
Pick myself apart.
Into little itty bitty pieces.

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I wrote this out quickly, and let me tell you, it's pretty revealing in that it is showing my current state of mind. I am very quick to find fault with myself these last few days, I have noticed. I don't particularly like being in a phase like this, but that's where I am, so might as well sit with it for a few and try to find out why.

My investigation started yesterday when I was driving over to the city to see TheScarDoctor. I realized that I have a whole list of things about myself that are slightly bugging me, or that I would like to change or work on (but am not). They were all small things, but once I noticed they were so many, I realized I had this big massive ball of I'mNotReallyLikingMyself right now. Not so good. It's one of the keys to the depression door, and I'm not real keen on stepping inside that room if I don't have to.

My appointment with TheScarDoc was great. It's really interesting how all that self-loathing resides in the body somewhere, and what happens when you can experience the gift of having someone help you move it all around and maybe get rid of some of it. It helps that as a practitioner (and as a person) he's a really uplifting guy. Besides the bodywork, he also really makes me laugh. There is no better way to avoid opening the door to the DepressionRoom but to just laugh yer arse down the friggin' hallway.

Anyhow. Later in the afternoon yesterday, MyFavoriteKid and I had a parent-teacher conference with his math teacher. I think maybe I have mentioned here on the blog that he's having some trouble, but maybe I haven't. Who knows. I can't keep track. Anyhow. Things aren't going so well for him, particularly in math. I'm not going to bother hashing out all those particulars here, but I do want to get to the part about how I ended up feeling about it all.

Mother-frickin' incompetent.

I know in my head that I'm a good mom. I also know, logically, that it's my first time being a parent (just as it is his first time being a kid), and so in my head I have nooooo problem cutting myself some slack as I muddle my way through parenting. But my insides?? Dudes. I'm a mess. I feel stressed and confused by not knowing what to do. I feel like I am floundering and failing. Add to this the fact that MyFK and I push each other's buttons when the homework-shit-hits-the-fan, and then I get angry, and then gets upset, and then I feel worse for being a bad parent and a bad practicing buddhist who gets so angry all the time.

I am not on some sort of downer or pitty pot at all....IN MY HEAD. Too bad my gut does not agree. My thoughts are fine. The emotions? Oy.

I know I am not the only parent who has this situation. I know what help is out there (I also know what help is not, ie TheEx, but that's a whoooole 'nother post). I am on the path to getting help and support, gaining a few new parenting skills, and....just basically finding my way. MyFK and I are communicating well, and we are loving each other, and we are working on our button pushing, even between all the frustration. ON THE OUTSIDE this is being dealt with. This dilemma is is par for the course, we are making progress in the right direction, and all is good.

The OUTSIDES of the situation are fine.

It's my INSIDES I am worried about.
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6 comments:

Helen said...

well, I'm not an expert, not being a parent, but I would say that if the Outsides are in hand, then that can only benefit the Insides. It just might take a bit of time to catch up. It's when you're doing Nothing and everything is going to sh1t that you really need to worry. Did that make sense? As for the whole problem at school issue, in my limited experience when a parent takes an interest in a non-aggressive way it is only ever beneficial. Might be a bit painful on occasion! And remember its ok not to be good at everything - me and maths, we do not share the love. Hasn't held me back muchly :-)

Mouse said...

Dude.. I'm so with you on the "bad Buddhist" guilt-- I just try to remember that I'm currently *NOT* in jail for killing anyone so clearly something is working.. even a little. I'm not looking forward to math when it gets complicated.. I barely passed Algebra. Thankfully my husband is really good at math though he's crap at explaining anything..

kat said...

*hug*

JennaKate said...

Sending good thoughts your way... I admire your courage. Many people are absolutely satisfied to live a life unquestioned. Your searching of yourself and your relationships shows that you seek something deeper. Thanks for sharing.

Pickyknitter said...

I am down with you on #9, in case you need any companionship. I will wait over a week to go to the mailbox (on the porch), then take the whole lot and put it directly into the recycling bin.

helenkosings said...

You are so much braver than I am - I wasn't even willing to put the 10 things I'm really good at on my blog. Reading your list, it seems to me we have a LOT in common.....