Thursday, March 04, 2010

an elephant never forgets

A very strange thing today during meditation practice.

All of my scars started getting really really tight.

There I was, sitting still and the scar that runs across the front of my pelvic bone just got....tight. Like when you use a vacuum sealing machine or something so you can deep freeze a steak or something. Or like when you snag a really nice piece of silk, and right in the middle of this flowing fabric is a tight spot. Yeah. Kinda like that.

Anyhow. Then the scar on my upper arm started going tight. So my pelvis is tight. And the skin on my right arm is clamping down on itself. And thennnnnn....well, I have this other scar that runs the full lenght down the center of my torso from my sternum to my belly button...and the top part of that scar? Where it is pretty much right over my diaphragm? well, that one just started twitching and spasming. It was going bezerk-o.

And so I'm sitting there meditating because I'm on this 8-day retreat thingy, and I'm just "noticing" all of this scar stuff happening, and I'm trying not to "think" about it. Not that I am ignoring it. It's more that I am noticing it, but that I am not adding words to it. I'm just sitting with it. Feeling it, basically. Experiencing it, but not critiquing it.

Anyhow, it's when that last scar starts twitching, that the feelings get pretty strong because that twitch is accompanied by this NoNoNoNoNooNoooNOOOOO feeling that I get from time to time when I am flashing back to the car accident era ('cuz of these scars are from that), and that is when I realize...

Hey! Yesterday was the 6 year anniversary of the accident! And I missed it! Ha! I was even like, "Hey. Is the anniversary on the 3rd? Or the 4th? I dont even remember!" (I had to check my own blog to be sure...how odd is that LOL)

I mean, it didn't go totally unnoticed leading up to today. Sometime in February I reminded myself that it was coming and to just be on alert for the really odd behavior that sometimes comes out of me this time of year. And about a week ago I was starting to get my March calendar out more and more, and I thought about it for about one hot second each second. But get this one. On the 2nd I actually had to fill out some papers for the DMV where they were asking me the date of the onset of my disability, and I wrote the 3rd (the very next day), but I didn't make a thing of it. Not even a connection, really.
It just went by.

So my head? Me thinks me head is movin' on!

Seems like my body still be a little stuck, though LOL...but it was even on delay. A whole day behind. Maybe another anniversary or two and perhaps even that will shift ;-)

6 comments:

FUZZARELLY said...

Oh, bless you lovie. I have no concept of what all you are going through, but I am sure it is not easy.

Jenna said...

Sounds like some pretty powerful healing. Like you said, the body never forgets, but the heart learns to move forward. What an experience!

jodi said...

Wow. And also, yay (for moving on)!

~Donna~ said...

As soon as you said the scars started up, I knew where your post was going. I couldn't remember the exact date, but I knew it was soon.

You were in the best place to deal with all this...happy healing!

Linda said...

What a fabulous share; talk about all your hard work paying off. I cant'imagine a greater testament to your success, and naturally it occurred while meditating. Powerful!

Jodie said...

It was close to the same time that I started forgetting my surgery date. I don't think my mom will ever forget though... On another note, we're going to be trying out some meditation tomorrow. Excited to try it out, especially after reading so much about it here.