Tuesday, September 13, 2011

f student

Ya' know, I went and saw that new doc that I'm so excited about working with on August 30th, and I booked the follow-up to see him 3 weeks later (Sep 20) to discuss the results of that "very special" lab test kit he sent me home with.

If you recall, the test involved taking samples of things created when performing "very special" bodily functions. The test was set up to involve taking samples for 3 days, and then shipping it off to the lab in a pre-paid Fed-Ex box. The instructions said that the kit had to be returned within 4 days of the last sample.

Simple. No???


I was given the kit on that Tuesday (in the afternoon, and my ship had already sailed that day, if ya' know what I mean). I suppose I could have done the test Wed-Thu-Fri...but I wasn't entirely sure if Fed-Ex would do a pick up Saturday, and then there was the Labor Day weekend involved, and well....there's yer 4-days. By my math, if I did Wed-Thu-Fri, that meant that I would have done the last sample on a Friday, Fed-Ex would pick up on Tuesday, and if all went well, it's 4-days....but if there is any delay with the package or Fed-Ex, it's a waste (pardon the pun)....and I'd have to the whole test over again.

So I decide to the the test Sun-Mon-Tue to go out Wed and get to the lab on Thu. Makes sense. Simple. No???


I do the test on Sunday, but on Monday, I open up my little zip lockbaggy o' hazardous goodies for the day, including that lovely little paper french-fry boat, and everything in the bag is soaked. Apparently, the lid on the vial where I was supposed to deposit my "very special" bodily goop had not been seated properly, and the vial was leaking.

The kit's included instructions state that if any amount of liquid from the vial is spilled, discontinue the test immediately---the results will be incorrect. It says to call the 800 number for the company who makes the kits and they will send out another vial.

I call. They are closed. Of course they are. It's Monday, and it's Labor Day weekend. I leave a message, they of course, they do not return my call Tuesday morning....because they are probably dealing with an extra day's worth of backed up samples (another pun). I call the lab a second time Tuesday afternoon and they tell me it would be faster if I just went back to the doctor's office. Which I do. Even though it's a 45 minute drive. Each direction.

I get the kit home, and look it over so I can be prepared for the next day's events (I'd already missed Tuesday's boat entirely)....and that is when I realize that I have the wrong kit. This new kit comes with extra special things like medicine droppers and instructions to take the medicine I was prescribed (?) on the morning of the first test.

I call the doctor's office, but now it's so late in the day, they are closed. They call me back Wednesday morning, but only after I have now missed Wednesday's ship as well.


The MistressOfTheKits at the doctor's office says I can use the kit I was given, because it actually IS the correct one...THAT THEY HAD GIVEN ME THE WRONG KIT IN THE FIRST PLACE (??!!!) because it was all they had on hand. This new kit is does more extensive testing, but this new kit involves taking a laxative on the first day (yay me), which of course, I don't have AND...

...with all of these delays....the test results will now not be back in time for my follow-up appointment! My appointment is now moved out to October 4th.

*sigh* (again)

On Thursday, I go buy the laxative crap (I know, I'm so punny), after Thursday's ship has now sailed, of course. I decide I dont want to do a test involving a laxative on Friday because I'm going to be at a football game, nor do I want to do it on Saturday when I will be driving an hour and a half each way to get to the niece's birthday party. I'm already having to bump the damn follow-up appointment out anyhow, so I decide to take the test Sun-Mon-Tue (ie today) and I have Fed-Ex pick it up upon completion.

Which I do.

Meanwhile, the stupid rash is driving me nuts because I had to stop the medication I normally take to tame the symptoms, because they couldn't be in my system for the test or they would skew results.
AND...I've also been reading all of the material the doctor sent me home with, and I have so many questions (that I can't really ask until October now), that it's making me a little jumpy.

The point of this story, is that I managed to get an F on my poo test.
Incomplete. Late. Poor work habits. All that.
And bad citizenship, too.

Leave it to me to pull that off LOLOL