Tuesday, September 11, 2012

watch me say a whole lotta something without saying anything

Today was really really odd.

I have been dealing with some pretty big stuff with MyFavoriteKid the last four of five days.  He is proving himself to be quite the experimental teenager (I knew it was coming eventually), and while I am dealing with him effectively and logically and with a level of loving open groundedness that I did not even know I possessed, his behavior has caused me to be quite reflective.

So today I spent quite a bit of time thinking about myself as a teenager, and my parents and how they dealt with me as a teenager, and the circle of friends I had when I was a teenager.....and then lo and behold, multiple old high school buddies track me down on facebook today (oh, the timing!)....and then the cat brought in a dying bird with feathers everywhere that triggered a whole layer of grief....and then on the way to knitting tonight, I turn on the radio and the station is playing Carly Simon and all I see for a second is a flash of my mom in the sunken living room with a glass of wine in her hand belting out, "You're So Vain," as loud as she can.

It was like I was floating in outer space for a moment. It was totally surreal.

It's like I am in some crazy vortex where all I have been, has morphed into all I have come to be, and everything is sort of connected in some really bizarre way, like I'm watching a movie or something. It is blowing my mind, and I'm not on anything but coconut water, brown rice, and steamed kale...I swear it! Ok. A glass of wine at the knitting group tonight.  But that's it.  And it's like the whole world and all of my experiences are all swooshing into this crazy pinhead of moment where every experience of my life is....just. all. related.

I do not believe I am making any sense at all, but that's okay, because this is all I can do!
It's not making much sense to me either, at the moment.

What I know for sure is that not only am I okay, I am doing a really fine job of being alive and present and checked in and here.  I am a great parent, not only to my own kid, but to my own self, as I am now finally learning to re-parent myself.  Kudos to the new therapist.  I am getting my money's worth.


Donnaj said...

It is I feel totally weird that things often come together like that in all their glorious weirdness.


I thinks that's very cool and wonderful! This has happened to me, and the experience changed my life.

Linda said...

Seeing the circle of life from an older perspective reveals so many repetitive themes, parent to child and grandchild. You're right: who knew how much what we do resembles what has already been done! Of course you're doing a great job as a parent.

Karensu said...

You are AWESOME!


Kerry said...

Keep knitting. It'll supplement the therapy and it's a lot cheaper. LOL