Wednesday, October 25, 2006

frog and snippet

The shumps/snorts are momentarily on hold. I've finished the last leg panel, but I'm now pausing while I consider when to start sewing up the side seams and switch to working in the round. I also need to figure out how I want to handle tying the decorative side seam stitches in with the decreases.

While that's percolating in my tired noggin', I've been sitting here realizing that said noggin' is totally friggin' cold. It's getting quite chilly here, intermittently--one day I need a heavy jacket, the next, I'm in a tank top. So even though I should be whacking out a few hats for this awesome lady's charity knit, I selfishly decided to work on keeping my own head warm first. The only handknit bonnet that I have of my own has Kitty Ears. Not quite your go-with-anything topper. I really need another warm hat that I can wear when I don't want to look 5.

So yesterday afternoon I went through my stash, picked a pattern, and knit a swatch. I got gauge. I knit the ribbing of the hat. I tried it on. It fit. I kept knitting. I tried it on. It still fit. I knit some more. Tested. Fit. I repeated this a few times more, way more often than neccessary, because well, I'm just that compulsive about checking fit too often as I go. Anyhow, I reached midway and started in on the decreases. Checked, and it still fit. I knit three more rows. I tried it on one more time.

It no longer fit.
I look like Dumb Donald.
Totally bizarre, and I still can't figure out what happened, other than maybe my head shrunk while knitting and watching The Colbert Report.

MyFk frogged it for me this morning. I couldn't bring myself to do it, and he had a blast with it anyhow. I'll try casting on again later this afternoon.
Grrr. Brrr.

I had a girl's day out yesterday with Wheelchair Dancer. It was fun, but a little awkward for me. I decided to be bold and admit to her that I'd been avoiding her, and why...because it was nothing at all she had done that caused me to put her off. It was all my own shit. I tried to resolve my feelings on my own internally, and it wasn't working. All that was left to do really, was to be honest.

I don't know WCD all that well. We've had dinner an a few coffees over the past couple of years after dance related things. She and I have one cool thing in common: we are both dancers with a disability. But beyond that, we are really quite different. Which is good. I'm not into having a little army of matching friends. But we are different in one specific aspect that has been troubling me.

She's got alot of bounty in her life. Abundance.
And I do not.

Now, normally this is not a thing that determines one way or the other whether or not I get to know you better. In fact, when I was a kid, my dad retired young a very rich man, and he lots his investments in a land deal when the interest rates shot up to 17+% back in the late 70's early 80's, whenever that was. We went from having two houses, horses, and my dad having his own private plane (his hobby/passion was being a private pilot)...we went from that, to living in a tiny two bedroom apartment and losing the frills, to say the least. Betcha didn't know that about me ;-) Point is, I'm very aware of the fact that how many "things" you have is not the sole determination for one's happiness.

Anyhow, so like I was saying, normally your abundance (or lack of) is not a thing that determines one way or the other whether or not I will get to know you better. But with WCD, it has. I think maybe because she has an abundance of pretty much exactly the things I am so damn frustrated about lacking. She's got an army of fancy wheelchairs, I've got a rental chair being taken away by the insurance company. She lives bi-coastally and travels several times a month, I haven't even been able to pool the resources to take my son to Boston to meet his own grandmother, and he's 9. I have a shanty of a house that is primarily inaccessible, she has 3 places she calls home, and is customizing a fourth to meet her disability needs. She landed the position at the nationally renowned dance company we both auditioned for, I'm trying to sort out whether or not I can continue to work with the grass roots company I performed with over the summer.

Stuff like that.
And the thing is, with any other friend in my life, I'd be so tickled pink and happy for him/her! I mean I really truly am the type of person that can be joyous for other people's success, even if I'm not all that successful myself at that same moment.

But I haven't been able to do that with WCD. And it's been troubling me immensely. I really really REALLY do not like thinking that I am missing out a what could be a good friendship just because I am steeped in jealously and envy. In all my 39 years (ugh), I've never run into this problem of not being able to be genuinely happy for someone who "has", just because presently I am a "have not". And as WCD put it, all could have been different just by a toss of the coin. Isn't life interesting?

I can't believe I'm actually blogging about this, but whatever. I'm always good for airing out my dirty laundry where the neighbors can see it.
It's what I'm working on right now. I gotta keep track of it somewhere.

So if you recall, as it turns out, WCD was the winner of the Blogiversary Raffle...and we finally settled up yesterday. Her dontation is (I think--and I've spaced, and am waiting for her to confirm) going to The Sierra Club. And for the little "something-something" (which was to be something like a book or yarn) we actually agreed on a handknit--some guantlet style arm warmers, a little lacy, in black.

Of course she asks for something handknit after twice pointing out that my knitting is a little ummmm, "obsessive". Hahahaha. Yah.

I have to get my head warm first and bang out a couple of holiday gifts before I add the armwarmers to the queue, but I'm already pouring over lace patterns so that I can choose one that feels just right for her. I'm actually thinking of adapting PomaWhatever somehow, but I'm not sure about the stitch count. We shall see.

More on the wheelchair front.

A lot of what got me through the stress on Monday, was my reminding myself of the fact that I do at least have one wheelchair in my possession,and for the meantime, it will suffice. It suffices poorly, true, as it is too wide for my house....but hey, better than nothing. I spent a lot of time on Monday thinking about those commercials asking for donations for people in other countries who need chairs and have none. I have very strong images burned into my brain of people crawling down dirt roads on their knuckles, dragging their legs behind them, and meanwhile, I'm bitching about the fact that what I do have isn't perfect.

So ummm, it's very nice, but y'all need to not bug me anymore about the tip-jar thing on my blog for donations. I'm too pridefull to make a public request like that, and I'm too concientious to accept that kind of thing when that assistance really should go someone who has NO insurance company to be battling it out with. My problems should be over in a few weeks. There are people out there who need help more than I do, and there are already have links set up for donations. Please go there if you feel compelled to give.

Oh, and you are correct, Sara. Yes. I most definitley would be tempted to spend any incoming donations on yarn, even though yarn is not "smack".

Yarn is crack.
(is there another fiber junkie out there that can back me on this??)

If I were to allow donations, I would not fritter it away on yar. I would buy wheels with it.
Spinning wheels. Bwahahaha.

But thanks to you guys for being so generous of spirit. You rock *kisses*.

Tonight is the Berkeley Stitch and Bitch, which will include our photo shoot of ShallowPigs--I mean, Hallowigs. Whee! Donna is coming out to join us, and this is actually my first time meeting another knit-blogger that I met online. I'm very excited. Hopefully photos tomorrow.

Look at me! Look at me!
The total non-geek read a tutorial about how to add a button to the sidebar, and I did it ALL BY MYSELF!! (my parents tell me that "I do it myself" was my first sentence)

One of the buttons is for NaBloPoMo.
Come November there is high potential for things to get very strange over here.
A whole month of this prattling on and on.
Be scared. Be very scared.


Mouse said...

NaBloPoMo sounds rather interesting.. I'm seriously concidering doing it on the 'new blog'. its a hard decision on how "out there" you want to be with your blogging though.

~Donna~ said...

I can't wait to meet you and all the crew either. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I did manage to charge up my camera batteries and remembered to bring knitting too. Hee Hee, yeah, work has been something - really messing with my ability to retain information. Better check and make sure I'm wearing pants...

Rabbitch said...

NaBloPoMo. Like I need another obsession.

K, I'm in.

Anonymous said...

Re WCD and the wheelchair woes. I hear you. And here's a big fat hug for you.

Love, Karen the Lurker

Patti said...

I'm glad you posted about the abundance thing. I'm a single older mom of a wonderful kid with health issues, used to have a blog but had to stop because I didn't have time to keep it up. I don't have family. I don't have a significant other. I only have a couple of friends, and hardly have time to see them - I'm lucky to get out for coffee twice a month. And lately, I can hardly read anybody's blogs, I'm so jealous. Someone said recently that while their husband is working during the week, it's like they are a single mother. It pissed me off so much I don't even think I can read her blog anymore. I hate feeling like this, but people have parents and sisters and aunts and husbands and time to see friends and it just kills me lately. Eh, don't know why I'm ranting over here, but yeah.

Jonathan said...

I can appreciate what you were saying about people who "have" and people who "have not" - as a child my Dad worked like a lunatic and eventually ended up in a position to retire early and move to the coast.

Nobody I knew, knew we were well off (if that makes sense). It was a subject I would deliberately stay away from - and it sometimes caused stunned staring when anybody did come to visit and realised that I did have money behind me... (they had no clue)

Weird position to be in.

Jess said...

I know how hard those conversations can be.

Steph @ craftoholic made "Mermaid Gloves" out of Pomatomus. They came out very nice -