Wednesday, February 27, 2008

robbing peter to pay paul

The title pretty much sums it up, so don't bother yourself with reading on unless you have been missing my StreamOfConciousnessEmotionalVomit style of posting....because that is what you are about to get.
No censoring, no editing, no retyping, onto the page it goes.

I am learning that 365 day of blogging will sometimes require this. Otherwise I have thoughts and emotions but not enough time to really flush it out and write something that is more of a conclusion of my process. What I'm about to do is more suited for a personal journal, but since I haven't kept one in awhile, this is it.

If I don't start posting this way occasionally, well.....see, it is days like these that I end up posting quizzes and crapola. While that occasionally has it's place, it sure feels like a cheap way out when I am hardly feeling fluffy.

So here we go. Finger to keypad.
One. Two. Three. (deep breath)....

Robbing Peter To Pay Paul

I'm not sure who in family used that expression, but it was probably my parents. It is completely fitting with where I am at right now. I feel like every. single. thing. i do. is at the expense of something else. If I wash the dishes, I spend less time with my kid. If I do laundry, I dont make it to the market. If I write a blog post, I don't get knitting time (think of that as time to decompress). If I visit folks in the convalescent hospital, I dont get to cook as good a meal (both important to me for the health as well as the craft of it). If I get involved in a new dance project, which feeds me on so many levels, then I don't have time for friends. If I read blogs (some of whom belong to people I actually have become to care about as friends) then I don't have clean laundry.

And the point is not in the pairings. I can mix this all up in a different order. EVERYTHING in my life right now takes time away from EVERYTHING else, and every single stinking one of them are things I don't feel I can let go of. I mean, I could perform less, but that is what keeps me creative and alive. Why would I not allow myself that? I could skip volunteering at the convalescent hospital, but is 2 hours out of each week to do something charitable, which ALSO feeds me in so many special ways.

It is driving me fucking insane. There have been times in my life where I have had a similar feeling, and I could actually look at the items on my plate, and I could see what needed to go. I could see that something could be removed, and that it was good to let something go because it wasn't actually feeding me in any way. But every single thing on my list right now feels neccessary.

And I dont know what to do about it.

I am frustrated because I can't find the root of the problem here. I mean, I used to do all of those things on that list AND go to a weekly knitting group AND go to school full time AND work part time AND AND AND....I mean SHIT!! I AM NOT EVEN WORKING RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE FUCK. How did I do all that before??? What is different????? Is it that I am getting older? Is it modern technology (everyone I talk to about this says it is modern technology, but I dunno). Is it that I have a disability now? Is it that I have less immediate support with MyFK than I used to???? Is it something about the new house? The new 'hood?? WHAT DID THIS??? BECAUSE I WANT TO FIX IT!!!

So I spend my days, not plodding along, but rushing along, and never ever feeling done, accomplished, or having a feeling of completion. Horrible things for me, because I have a history of being an over achiever....but I mean, we're just talking about taking a shower and not eating something out of a box sometimes. If I do one, I can't do the other. Or if I do a little bit of everything, then everything around me feels totally half-assed.

Let me get back to that feeling bit, that must be the key here. Never feeling done. Always looking around myself and never feeling at peace. Never feeling like I am done. Never feeling a sense of accomplishment. Or pride. Feeling like I am failing. Myself. Failing myself. And that doesn't even get into the feelings of failing other people.

Sigh. I just don't know. I am frustrated. I feel good when I am in the process of DOING the thing. I drive to rehearsal? I curse my life the whole way there because I now don't have time to be doing what else needs to be done. I am AT rehearsal? I am so in my body and so digging being creative with other movers, I am loving the work and my contribution to it. I am driving home?? And I am thinking about all that needs to be done for myself and others and I know for a fact it wont all fit into a day, and so I sit there having to decide who the hell is going to get the short end of the stick today. My son? My boyfriend? My family, my friends, my art, my time for myself?? (that last one is usually it)

I have no answers, only frustrations and questions and doubts and fears and inadequacies. And I need to stop typing now because I have 14 other things to do.

Maybe I should have just posted a quiz after all.
No, dont reread this, girl. Just hit "publish post" because if you reread it, you WILL post a quiz today.


Kerry said...

It's a vicious cycle isn't it? I hope you're able to find some balance soon. Don't forget, you need to take good care of you to be able to take good care of others. :-)

The Bon said...

This is something I struggle with. There never seems to be enough time. I suspect that your longer commute is playing a part in it on days when you're out and about. Is your FK involved in more things than before? Running kids around back and forth is something that used to eat up a huge chunk of time in my family.

My mom also uses the phrase "robbing peter to pay paul" and I actually just used it in a discussion with the guys at work yesterday.

Ragnar said...

It is a horrible feeling, I'm so sorry for you. How are you sleeping? I find that if I have enough sleep, on a good schedule (that's early to bed, early to rise, thanks Mr. Franklin) that I feel like I have more time, and the time that I have is better spent.

I hope you find your balance.

MsAmpuTeeHee said...

kerry ~ No, I will not forget that. I have been through this a few times before and already know that I am useless if I don't take care of myself first. It's just tough if I end up feeling guilt for it, which does happen from time to time.

bon ~ yes, the commute is part of it. I try to make it count as "time for self" by listening to books on tape. And no, I'm not running MyFK around much more. YET. That worries me a bit.

ragnar ~ Well, no! I am not sleeping! Thanks for reminding me that this may be part of why I am feeling this way. Duly noted :-)

Unknown said...

I'm right there with you. I feel like I'll never be able to get on top of my To Do list. And the evenings when I am able to get a lot of things done, I end up too wound up to go to sleep on time. Then I'm in a haze the next day (like today).

And I don't even have a kid! Hopefully, we'll all figure out how to strike a balance.

Lorena said...

I am going to the sporting goods store after work today and buying a paddle, because girl, WE ARE IN THE SAME BOAT. If I'm at work, I'm not at home cleaning my house. When I'm at work, I'm too busy with customers to work on paperwork/re-orders/website design. So I work on those things at home... sacrificing time to do home things at home. But I'm a business owner, and shit got to get done, right?! Then if I catch up on blog reading, it's because I'm sacrificing walking the dog for an hour. If I walk the dog and feel good about exercise and spending time with the pooch, I'm also feeling guilty because I could be using that hour to unload the dishwasher, clean the catboxes, and start a load of laundry.

If you find the answer, I will pay you good money to share it with me.

And my captcha is "lrgzya", which sounds like the sound my mouth makes right before my head explodes, three or four times a day.

Jennie said...

Ugh, I have SO been there. My only advice would be to ruthlessly cut down even more on your activities. Maybe take a break from visiting the hospital, get yourFK to handle the dishwasher (this is my 8 year old's new task and he's really doing great at it), whatever it takes.

I think my working full time actually does make it easier, if only by making it clear I CANNOT do everything I'd want to fill my day with.