Thursday, November 06, 2008

what happened to the reed in the wind?

It's very late and I'm just getting home from dance class. I really wanted to post earlier in the day, before I left for the studio, but thing after thing kept popping up in my way. The image that keeps coming to mind is a guy jamming for the goal line with the football, and everyone else running interference.

Today it's been about kitten introductions and management (I honestly cannot tell if Gaara is trying to play with NewBlackKitten or if he's trying to kill him). Then Bridget, the new girlfriend, made an unplanned stop at my house to let me know that she had totally lost the paper with my phone number on it and hadn't saved me into her cell phone yet. That turned into an hour long visit. Then MyFavoriteKid came home to advise me that he was an hour late to school because the bus got in an accident (nobody was hurt, but ummmm nobody was notified either....and he has a cell phone but was instruction not to use it. Yes, I have a meeting with the principal on Monday to raise some hell). And then MyFK went on to tell me that there is this kid at school who wants to have a fight next with after school with Bridget's son (over a girl, I might add), and MyFK's response to this is.....
to sell tickets.
Which then sucks up any remaining time I might have had to what...? Feed myself before dance class or post maybe...? It sucked my time right up into the black hole of parenting, is what it did.

I got a little weepy. And this is not the first time this week. I'm just feeling pulled in a million directions by things it feels like. And ice that like a cake with my serious sadness over the ban on gay marriage propostion that made it through somehow, and my sadness about people in the convalescent hospitals missing cherries and whatnot, and I don't even know what to tell you. I'm not anxious or depressed...I'm....I don't even know. I can't slow down long enough to sit with myself and figure it out.

The main thing I keep hearing in my head is, "I am only one person, people!" And I am not sure what that means yet, but I have a hunch I need to start really focusing on being as effective as possible with MyBadAssOnePerson-ness.

I was thinking tonight while driving to class about how inflexable I have become over the past few years. I use to thrive on chaos being thrown at me. I built a friggin' career out of it. I was a CATERER. That's a job that's got about 20% to do with food, and about 80% to do with putting out fires. And I kicked ass. I was fluid and on my toes, and I could handle anything you could throw at me. Maybe the problem is that now I have less toes???? I dunno. But I definitely less fluid. You throw one little pebble in my path and I go slipping on it. It's bugging me that I can't roll with the punched more easily.

So there's me. And now I lay me down to sleep....


kasiaiscarly said...

no one told anyone about a bus accident?!! SHADY!



Take it as easy as you can. Enjoy each day as much as possible.

I read you daily and love you because of it.

Don't let the bastards grind you down!

Anonymous said...

Your comment about chaos tolerance made me think. I feel my tolerance for uncertainty has definitely risen in the past few years. There's a great meditation on acceptance that I've been using nearly every day, and it really has helped me loosen up. If you're interested, pm me on Ravelry.