Monday, January 31, 2011

Ahhhh, I am sitting here with a cup of coffee, and it's cold and quiet outside. The zoo-parade of animals has been tended to and MyFavoriteKid is off on his way to school. I have a huge to-do list today, but blogging is at the top (finishing that damn plying is 2nd), and so here I am.

Thanks for all the comments and support lately. Things here have been really strange. When people ask me how things are going, I am tempted to say, "fine"...but only because when I scan all the little "issues" spinning around in my world, every single one of them feels manageable. On it's own. What I keep forgetting is how many of them there are. Even TheMostImportantGuy called it ThePerfectStorm at some point a week or so ago. There are so many that I can't even see how to fit them all into one post, and writing multiple posts seems so daunting, that's why I keep not writing anything at all. Lame, I know. But deer in the headlights and/or procrastination are a pretty typical m.o. for me. The things on the list are so intertwined it's also contributing to that "stopping dead in my tracks, paralyzed," feeling (although it's usually stationary with tears dripping down my face), but the good news is that I am starting to be able to untangle things and sort them into "groups". I'm not sure why categorizing things seems to be working for me, but it is. Maybe it's like organizing my emotional closet or something.

So one of the categories is definitely related to death. Guernseygal definitely had a point when she mentioned that some of this is probably backlash to TheMIG's dad passing away in early December. No doubt at all that I have been thinking about him much, and at the oddest of times. I really miss him. Lots. But there's more in this category.

About two weeks ago, I got a phone call from the ExMotherInLaw that GrandpaG had died. This would be MyFK's great-grandfather (so this is TheEx's father's father). GrandpaG was a hoot. I have never met anybody so funny and snarky since, and when that blog/book/tv show/whatever came out....Sh&% My Dad Says...I was positive that GrandpaG was involved somehow. Now see if you can follow along here, but the last time I saw GrandpaG was at GrandpaKen's funeral (TheEx's dad). Ken died a couple of months before my car accident, so that was about 7 years ago. TheEx and I were already long separated, but of course I went to the funeral, as did MyFK who was in 1st grade at the time. At the funeral home, the family was seated on the "stage" where the open casket was, just off to the side. GrandpaG was sitting behind us, and as people were filing in and crying and expressing sympathies, GrandpaG leaned into us and said, "When I die?? Just SHOOT ME OUT OF A CANNON, will ya'??!! BOOOOM!!" Both MyFK and I started busting up, because how could you not, which of course was inappropriately appropriate. He made jokes like that the rest of the afternoon, except for when Ken was lowered into the ground, and I saw GrandpaG turn away with a tear in his eye, and he said to me, "No one should have to bury their own kids," and walked away.

I never saw him again. TheEx is exactly that, my ex, and I've always left it up to him to figure out his family stuffs. I always thought he'd take MyFK to see him over summer break or something, but he never did. Just a couple of months ago I was thinking that I'd probably need to do it myself, and that needing to wasn't even the right word for it, because quite frankly, I'd like to see him again myself.

Wellp, too late for that.

What really blows me away is that we didn't hear until several weeks later, and missed any opportunity to go to the funeral or send (timely) condolences. I guess the remaining sons had a difficult time tracking down TheEx, let alone me, and only finally got word through TheExMIL, who had been divorced from TheEx's dad for years and years herself. How is it that GrandpaG's family was so out of touch?? It's baffling to me.

So the fun layer to all of this was breaking it to MyFK. He actually really remember GrandpaG, and a lot of his jokes, actually. Funny what sticks with us. When TheEXMIL called to tell me, I phoned TheEX and asked him if he would please tell MyFK. I had just gotten over TheMIG's dad passing and working that though with MyFK, and it was time for TheEX to step up and do some parenting, no? Well, do you know that TheEx saw MyFK twice and "forgot" to talk with him about it?? I mean, I know death is hard, and denial is a part of the grief process, but for crying out loud. TheExMIL and I finally talked about it, and she agreed to call and talk to MyFK. And then of course, I followed up.

And so that was that.
And then....
there is James.
He's my buddy that I visit at the convalescent hospital that I was matched up with 6 or so years ago by the volunteer organization??
James had to into surgery for some changes to his pacemaker, then he got pneumonia, and then the other day I found out they are putting him on oxygen at night, which is good, because when you look at him he is pale and his lips are blue.

Somewhere in all of this is recognizing the fact that my dad's mom is what, 96 now?? And that my mom's mom, who was moved to a convalescent hospital this year, sent me a Christmas card but singed it "Aunt" instead of "Grammy".

And now last week I get a call from TheBon that her dad passed away unexpectedly.. I mean, he'd been sick last year, to be sure. But he had been treated and was on the upswing and was even talking about going back to work...and then blammo. Didn't feel good in the middle of the night, and was gone within a couple of hours. Unbelievable.
(please do send her the mojo...she has flown back home and is in the thick of it all as I type this)

Yah. And so. There's the death part of my organized emo-closet. There's also a bunch of other drawers and bins in the closet though.
But that's enough for now. No?

I'm not going to proof or edit this, because if I do, it may never get posted (funny how that works with me) please pardon if it's rambling or full of typos. It's raw. Like me. !


~Donna~ said...

Funny (strange funny not haha funny) that death comes in such clusters. (Speaking from experience.)



I got nuthin', really. But I am stressed about the closing on the house in Missouri, and they are having ice and 12 inches of snow in their forecast, and I am worried about my Sweetie and if he will be safe. Closing looks to be Friday, and I have to be there.

The chickens that survived are all gone now, to my friend's house. They are well, but I miss them. I miss Howard the Duck. Rex, the mini-rex bunny, isn't doing too well several days after his run in with a car. I wonder if I am doing him any favors.

I, too, am knee-deep in depression and grief and worry, and it is gray and gloomy to boot.

One needs to let go of wants and needs.

Anonymous said...

Big hug! xxoo

Love, Karen TDL

not supergirl said...

Wow. This is A LOT to process at once, and it's not everything? No wonder you're struggling when you also have so much life going on. When someone I care about dies, I'm almost offended for a moment that life goes on. Eventually, I get past that, but not right away. I need time to breathe and adjust and accept. Sounds like you've been just swamped with it.

Carrie#K said...

GrandpaG sounds like a hoot. Too bad your son didn't get to know him but.....things happen. Obviously.

I say "fine" because otherwise I'm afraid I'd buttonhole them and go on and on and on and ON.....

Lorena said...

Nothing to say, really - it's early in the morning and I've not had enough coffee to be really articulate. So I'll just say I'm loving you from over here. Be gentle with your self.

The Bon said...