rest in peace

Today I got a phone call from James to tell me that Martha passed away some time over the weekend, he wasn't sure when...and they had just told him today.

Martha was one of the people I would see weekly at the facility that I volunteer at. I think I have been visiting Martha about 6 years or so.  She was one of the most interesting people I have ever met, she had a dry and outrageous sense of humor, and she would say the wisest things to me....usually about taking care of business and not sweeping something under the rug, about not sweating the small stuff, and about enjoying every minute of things that you can, because it just all comes and goes so fast. 

She wore a necklace that had runes on it, and whenever a topic of something metaphysical would come up, she would always wink at me with a smile.  She was very well read and watched the news on PBS and was totally versed on current events.  As sharp as a tack as she was, in these last couple of years, she would get confused from time to time.  She would sometimes talk about how she was planning on moving out into her own apartment (and as far as I could glean, that was not even remotely an option).

She did talk about her father quite a bit, but she would never answer questions for me about whether she had been married or not.  I know she never had kids. I have always had this sneaking suspicion that she may have had a female partner but I never did confirm that, because I was too shy to ask. It seemed like prying. I do know that over the years that I visited Martha, she had a friend that would come pick her up every other week or so and drive her to her post office box...but I only ever saw the person once as they were driving away.  I have no way of knowing if there are family or friends that are planning a funeral or memorial, and of course, the convalescent hospital cannot divulge that sort of information to me because I am not family.  TheMostImportantGuy and I  did a search on the internet today but came up empty handed.

It could be that nothing has been planned. It could be that there is no one to plan it.

I knit that shawl she is wearing in the photo, by the way.  She tried it on after I finished it and it suited her so well, I gave it to her.
Funny thing?
At present, that shawl happens to be here, in my house.

The pink shawl I gave her is on the bottom/left, and I also knit the lighter pink one on the upper/right.  I was going to enter one or the other (or both) in my local County Fair this year, as entering was one of the goals for the year that I had set for myself back in January.  Martha had loaned the shawl back to me so I could enter it if I wanted to.

I never entered the Fair.
*sigh*
I was about to.  I was all jazzed up about it actually, and then one day I was talking to a friend and she implied that winning my local county fair wasn't very prestigious because the local competition wasn't very challenging.  She sort of implied that I needed to "enter a good fair," if winning was to mean anything really, and there was something about that whole conversation that sort of took the wind out of my sails, and I never got around to entering (granted, the days I would have brought it in for entry were the very same days that the pluming had broken and the ceiling had fallen in and the kitchen was down to the wire...but still).

I never entered.
And the deadline passed, and I could have just kicked myself for not following through on something I had set as a goal for myself, and for allowing the opinions of others to lead my around in such a way. I was supposed to return it to Martha this week, and I was dreading telling her that I never entered, because she knew that this would be the third year I talked about entering, and didn't.  I knew that once I told her I didn't do it that she'd read me the riot act.....quietly....probably just by raising her eyebrow and looking down her nose at me a little bit...and then laughing.  She was funny like that.

Every week Martha would ask me what was new , and I would tell her stories about what was going on in my life, and if she even caught a whiff that I was doing something half-assed, she would often give me this look that was something like, "You can do better than that," but not in a way that made me feel like a failure. More like she knew what I was capable of and was wondering why I didn't apply myself.  It was always done lovingly and with encouragement.  I never felt like a loser, just like I should try harder, because I could.
I'm not sure if that makes any sense. 




And so now here I have this shawl of Martha's.

If it really is true that there is no family to clear out Martha's personal items, I know that it would have gone straight into the garbage or it may have been washed in hot water and sanitizing who-knows-what and then it would have been thrown into a donations box with the rest of her belongings.

I  know that the shawl is a nice thing to have, and I know that timing is strange thing, and I know that the mysterious way of the universe is probably bringing the shawl back to me so that I will have this reminder of Martha...something of hers that was special for both of us....a keepsake.

But right this very minute it just does not feel nice having it.
It feels sad.

I am very very sad.