Monday, September 25, 2006

what i'd really rather be doing today...but can't...and why

* Replying to the comments you guys have been leaving for the past week or so (please know that I read them, I love them, and that you guys have brought me LOTS of smiles).

* Blogging: Posting for you about yesterday's fun at the Folsom Street Fair; showing some new yarn porn, and my knitting progress; writing about what's been eating at me lately, since now I'm a bit more removed from things and can write about it without it sounding so pity-pot-ish; writing about some interesting observations about how my life and my knitting parallel each other.

* Actually doing the knitting thing.

* I should stop listing...because this list could go on forever. Honestly I'd rather be doing anything else today than what I have to do.

Today I have to get ready for tomorrow.

I have some legal action pending as the result of my accident. Mediation has been bumped forward to late November. One of the things my attorney has been pushing for is a video of me that would somehow be used for the mediation and/or trial. What he wants is a "Day in the Life of TheAmpuT" video to filmed, which he believes would be helpful for the case.

Tomorrow someone is supposed to come over at the crack of dawn and follow me through my daily routine.

It's totally wigging me out.

Most of the aforementioned pity-pot crap is linked to my not being satisfied with where my life is currently. Particularly (but not soley) the state of my home life. I am very uncomfortable with TheShanty I live in over here. The more time goes by (with decreased abilites for things like yard-work and cleaning a home that is primarily not accessable), the more I watch my home life become white-trash (and I hate that term, but I can't come up with anything else at the moment, and I hate that it feels so fitting, which is why I can't think of any other decriptive). There was a time when I could hire some help to do the things I couldn't do. But those days are long gone, and my fiscal life no longer supports that.

Ask my friends how long it's been since they've actually come to my home as opposed to meeting me for coffee somewhere. I don't even feel comfortable having friends visit, let alone having some stranger come over to capture my life as a Kodak Moment, one which will potentially be used to judge me. Literally.

Save your typing, because I have already had it explained to me many times over that this is exactly what needs to be captured on film....what things have shifted for me in the last couple of years. That I should not be scrambling to get things in order for tomorrow's visit. That I should be showing exactly what my life has become. As TheMIG said (and I might be paraphrasing), "Every appearance of Stuart Little is worth another million." LOLOL

This is very hard for me to do. And that's an understatement. It is completely anxiety inducing.

So now today I need to scramble and do enough around here so that I don't feel as ashamed of my life as I actually am, but I need to leave just enough to show the reality that I AM ashamed of my life and why. It's pretty demented.

And it's exactly why I'd rather be uploading pictures of skin+leather from yesterday's Folsom Street Fair**.
Far more enjoyable, I ass-ure you.

**ummm, I might not go surfing that link if I had kidlets in the room or modest sensibilites ;-)


Carol said...

oh God, what an awful situation to be in. blech. good luck. i don't know what else to say, except the totally inadequate and potentially cutesy-wutesy "hugs."

Anonymous said...

It's miserable, I'm sure, but working with liability on a daily basis, I'm here to say that it's necessary and completely worth it, despite the initial discomfort emaotionally and physically. Documentation is always the key.

My thoughts and prayers (such as they are) are with you. My first impression of you was that of an incredibly strong woman, and I know you'll make it but until it's over here's an e-hug from me too.

TheBon said...

I would totally come over and help with the dishes if I lived closer. I know that's the long-term answer but I actually enjoy housework as long as it's not in my house. I know, I'm crazy. A friend of mine tried to pay me for helping her with the dishes because her boyfriend had let things get moldy in the sink. I refused to let her. Things like that work out among friends. Good luck with the filming, I can imagine it would be nerve-wracking.

The Purloined Letter said...

Hey--TheBon--I need ya over here! (I'll knit you socks--one for dishwashing, one for vacuuming, and one for good conversation--so if you're an amputee you'll have a sock wardrobe good for three days.)

I keep trying to come up with reasons I live in squalor when I haven't had a life-changing event for a decade. (Or does giving birth and raising a kid count for this decade?)

We'll be thinking about you, Amp. Best of luck with the only-sort-of-fixing-up-of-your-place.

SO glad I found you.

Gray said...

I can understand the discomfort, having just had my mother-in-law stay over, resulting in the usual feelings of inadequacy.

I do want to hear some day about life and knitting. I'm trying to imagine if they are mere parallels as you said, or if they are really great, big juicy metaphors for each other.

Good luck tomorrow.

Margaret said...

You're damned amazing.

I don't even KNOW you, but there it is, in black and white, impossible to deny. Do you KNOW how well you just described an impossible-to-describe situation? Jesus.

I send you peace, and strength, and patience. By all the sock gods, you will prevail.

M-H said...

Thinking of you, Bonnie. I hope the filming isn't too awful for you. Having someone tail you for a day sounds kind of fascinating, in a weird, surreal kind of way.

Sara said...

I know you said "save your typing," but...

Can I just say I'd rather kill myself with slow poison than go through what you're about to go through? Gah!

I send you virtual comfort brownies and hot Ibarra with Kahlua, whipped cream, and bitter chocolate shavings and cinnamon sprinkled on top.

~Donna~ said...

Good luck'll be over soon...can't wait to see the Hee back in AmpuTeeHee...

Thinking of you...

Gray said...

Good luck today.