taken Oct 27th at the local produce stand & pumpkin patch
Yes, just like the photo, I have a damn bee poking at my middle, and yes I am still one giant ray of sunshine. Yes, you heard me. One giant eff-ing ray :-)
I know, try not to vomit.
You see, I had one very fantastic day arranged for myself today, so that I would have a wonderful time just sort of sliiiiiiiiiding into performance mode this weekend. And my fantastically arranged day was yanked out from underneath me. Last night at tech rehearsal, I was advised that there was yet another rehearsal scheduled for 10 am this morning (the morning of my fantastic day of sliiiiiiding), and the rehearsal was to take place all the way in San Francisco. Now that I have moved farther north, San Francisco is now....
35.3 miles, about 43 minutes, up to 1 hour 40 minutes in traffic (thanks, goooogle)
....away from home, and no I could not leave until 8:30am after dropping MyFavoriteKid off at school, and yes it was at the peak of rush hour traffic, and oddly enough it did take exactly 1 hour and 40 minutes, which meant I arrived to rehearsal late, which to me, does not encourage that magical sliiiiiiiiding feeling.
Annnnnnnnnnd, besides being at rehearsal, I had to cancel my fantastic day which included all of these fantastic activities that I had arranged for myself, so there was to be no wonderful time and definitely no sliiiiiiiiiiiiding.
After I found this out last night, I called TheMostImportantGuy and kvetched to him about it, then arrived home and started to kvetch to y'all about it by typing up a kvetchy post (that I deleted because I was all kvetched out and couldn't finish). It was a rant about how the director/choreographer conspires against me even more that the fates do.
I woke up this morning, expecting to scramble through my morning still pissed off. Hell, I wasn't even expecting to still be pissed, I was pretty much planning to be pissed. But you know what?? I woke up, realized that I actually wasn't pissed, and rather than allowing myself to become re-pissed (which apparently I am quite skilled at doing and has become a favorite past time), I instead just went about doing everything that I had intended to do in a calm (although non-sliiiiiiiiding) fashion, with a smile on my face, and then went to rehearsal. And because of my non-steeping-in-pissed-ness approach, I actually really enjoyed the rehearsal, and got quite a lot out of it (it was the first rehearsal for a new project that will be performed in April, and I am very very excited about it).
The shift that I am trying to point to , I think, is that for some reason lately, I am just not getting hooked into my own emotions the way I used to. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it's because I am generally less stressed, I am not sure if it's because I've been doing a little research about buddhism, I'm not sure if it's because I am taking better care of myself, I'm not sure if it's because.....well, whatever. There are a whole bunch of things that could be causing the shift. I'm just not sure which one it is, or if it is all of them together.
I'd kinda like to know though, because as sure as I sit here, bigger shit than last minute rehearsals is going to hit the inevitable fan, and when it does, I'd like to respond as a giant ray of sunshine for a change. I'd like to be able to get angry or sad or resentful or anxious....but then not let it control me and decide how I'm going to move through the world for the rest of the...whatever...day, week, hour, or even minute.
I mean, I have no problem with sitting in what most people think of as "negative emotions" for a bit. I'm not talking about avoiding my feelings about any given thing and just putting a smile on my face. What I am saying is that I really am ready to live a way of being that allows me function and with some peace and love in my heart, even while I feel like crap. And to not let something that I react to strongly cause me to keep re-experiencing that feeling long after the stimulus has gone.
Dudes, I can brood about anything. What a waste of time.
So that is the direction I am headed in my life right now.
Just in case you were wondering.
"Happiness is a direction, not a place." ~Sydney J. Harris
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This message has been brought to you by TheAmpuT, who probably listens to too many lectures about buddhist texts while stuck in traffic ;-)
Yes, just like the photo, I have a damn bee poking at my middle, and yes I am still one giant ray of sunshine. Yes, you heard me. One giant eff-ing ray :-)
I know, try not to vomit.
You see, I had one very fantastic day arranged for myself today, so that I would have a wonderful time just sort of sliiiiiiiiiding into performance mode this weekend. And my fantastically arranged day was yanked out from underneath me. Last night at tech rehearsal, I was advised that there was yet another rehearsal scheduled for 10 am this morning (the morning of my fantastic day of sliiiiiiding), and the rehearsal was to take place all the way in San Francisco. Now that I have moved farther north, San Francisco is now....
35.3 miles, about 43 minutes, up to 1 hour 40 minutes in traffic (thanks, goooogle)
....away from home, and no I could not leave until 8:30am after dropping MyFavoriteKid off at school, and yes it was at the peak of rush hour traffic, and oddly enough it did take exactly 1 hour and 40 minutes, which meant I arrived to rehearsal late, which to me, does not encourage that magical sliiiiiiiiding feeling.
Annnnnnnnnnd, besides being at rehearsal, I had to cancel my fantastic day which included all of these fantastic activities that I had arranged for myself, so there was to be no wonderful time and definitely no sliiiiiiiiiiiiding.
After I found this out last night, I called TheMostImportantGuy and kvetched to him about it, then arrived home and started to kvetch to y'all about it by typing up a kvetchy post (that I deleted because I was all kvetched out and couldn't finish). It was a rant about how the director/choreographer conspires against me even more that the fates do.
I woke up this morning, expecting to scramble through my morning still pissed off. Hell, I wasn't even expecting to still be pissed, I was pretty much planning to be pissed. But you know what?? I woke up, realized that I actually wasn't pissed, and rather than allowing myself to become re-pissed (which apparently I am quite skilled at doing and has become a favorite past time), I instead just went about doing everything that I had intended to do in a calm (although non-sliiiiiiiiding) fashion, with a smile on my face, and then went to rehearsal. And because of my non-steeping-in-pissed-ness approach, I actually really enjoyed the rehearsal, and got quite a lot out of it (it was the first rehearsal for a new project that will be performed in April, and I am very very excited about it).
The shift that I am trying to point to , I think, is that for some reason lately, I am just not getting hooked into my own emotions the way I used to. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if it's because I am generally less stressed, I am not sure if it's because I've been doing a little research about buddhism, I'm not sure if it's because I am taking better care of myself, I'm not sure if it's because.....well, whatever. There are a whole bunch of things that could be causing the shift. I'm just not sure which one it is, or if it is all of them together.
I'd kinda like to know though, because as sure as I sit here, bigger shit than last minute rehearsals is going to hit the inevitable fan, and when it does, I'd like to respond as a giant ray of sunshine for a change. I'd like to be able to get angry or sad or resentful or anxious....but then not let it control me and decide how I'm going to move through the world for the rest of the...whatever...day, week, hour, or even minute.
I mean, I have no problem with sitting in what most people think of as "negative emotions" for a bit. I'm not talking about avoiding my feelings about any given thing and just putting a smile on my face. What I am saying is that I really am ready to live a way of being that allows me function and with some peace and love in my heart, even while I feel like crap. And to not let something that I react to strongly cause me to keep re-experiencing that feeling long after the stimulus has gone.
Dudes, I can brood about anything. What a waste of time.
So that is the direction I am headed in my life right now.
Just in case you were wondering.
"Happiness is a direction, not a place." ~Sydney J. Harris
This message has been brought to you by TheAmpuT, who probably listens to too many lectures about buddhist texts while stuck in traffic ;-)
5 comments:
I've been trying to be more like that as well, since listening online to the Dalai Lama's speech in Atlanta last week. It's an uphill struggle, but it's working.
I'm going to go look for the Dalai Lama's Atlanta speech online now thanks to Jodi's comment.
I put a mindfulness bell program on the computer so that it goes off and I hear it in the house. Its really helped to change my focus..
"Hell, I wasn't even expecting to still be pissed, I was pretty much planning to be pissed."
hahahahahaha
The guy I was doing part of my internship with during the last few stressful months of my graduate program had a picture on the wall of his office that his daughter had drawn when she was just a little one. She had included herself in the picture and written, "i am rite here rite now" at the top. He said that it was a good reminder for him to look at where he really was at any point in the day and respond to it for what it held, not for what other moments had been.
Hokey...but profound. I try to remember that myself.
I'm hooked on detachment too. ;)
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