Tuesday, December 02, 2008

let me add to that.

I have more to say about cultivating patience.

I think when I write something about parenting and patience in the same space, it comes off as if I am needing to learn to be more patient with my child or something. That isn't it, exactly. I am certain my child would benefit from my being more patient, but let's take MyFavoriteKid out of the equation for just a moment, because this patience business has to do with my whole-self, not just my parenting-self.

What I'm trying to shift in my life right now really, is not patience, but my anger response. I am now going to attempt to (Hey, Rocky! Wanna see me pull a rabbit out of my hat?) to use patience as the practice for shifting my anger respsonse. So really what I am talking about here is an internal type of patience practice.

See, something happens when I get irritated. It spins. And it typically spins fast. The next thing I know, it's no long irritation. It's rapidly on its way to anger. And even worse, it is often displayed as anger.

I am deeply committed to the practice of watching myself as I get spun, and I am deeply committed to the practice of sitting with my irritation or anger (or anything else I might be feeling, for that matter), and not letting it spin into something it is not. I am deeply committed to sitting with the anger, no matter how uncomfortable, and just....well....sitting with the anger! Checking it out. Not getting sucked into the spin. Not reacting. Not acting. Not brooding. Just sitting. Being.

I'm having a really difficult time putting this into words, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is not so much like getting impatient because the bus is running late. This is more like figuring out how and when (maybe even more importantly at this stage) to HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON.

Right now I have no pause. I just blurt. It sucks for everyone around me, especially the people I love. I really see what it does to my kid. The interesting twist is that in the end, I hurt myself with my anger response as much I hurt others.

I'm on a mission right now. To observe myself. And hit pause.

7 comments:

Helen said...

know exactly what you mean. I finally learned (I think) that I have a "shut up" button. Sometimes its good to use it - especially for everyone around me :-)

Mouse said...

Totally understand as well.. My problem is trying to undo an entire lifetime's worth of sarcasm because that's what usually gets me in trouble.

Darcys Knotty Knitter said...

Sometimes a quiet moment restores me:)Hugs Darcy

Barbara from Nova Scotia said...

I've been trying to find my pause button, but it's been hit and miss.

JennaKate said...

Wow... it seems like you and I are somehow on a similar cosmic journey. Cultivating patience for me means that I am learning to minimize my own ego and let the world spin along on its axis without me trying to run the show.

I love your super abstract blog posts. You write about the unseeable in such a clear way. Thanks!

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