e is for...

...eating.


Eating is something that I love doing for (and together with) people, so much so, that I built a career around it (catering).

I see eating as a global unifier, right up there with breathing.

I simply enjoy the process of eating. I love the fact that it has the potential to engage all of the senses. In addition to being gustatory, it is simultaneously visual, tactile, olfactory, and auditory.

I am consistently intrigued by the ways eating connects with memories and emotions.



I also have so many "issues" with eating.

A few months ago? I was eating a diet consisting primarily of Raw Living Foods. Today? I had cookies before breakfast and chocolate for lunch.

Here is the current question about eating that I have been pondering for the last few months. I am going to use water as the example, even though I fully understand that water isn't eating, it's drinking...but I think you'll see that what I am rolling around in my brain extends to not only eating, but to just about anything else I might do for myself that would promote joy.

Water:
I know it is important to drink plenty of water. I have all of the information set before me from the experts telling me how much water I should be drinking and why I should be drinking it. I logically understand the benefits of being properly hydrated, and I am also informed about the consequences of being dehydrated.

Even more beneficial that this external knowledge, I also have an internal understanding. I HAVE gone through periods of time where I was properly hydrated. The list of the many ways in which my life and health improved by merely by drinking water is a long one.

So now I not only have the textbook knowledge about water, I also have evidence, coming from within my own being, of the benefits of drinking plenty of water.

And yet I do not drink enough water.

WHY IS THAT???!!
Why is it that I can KNOW something can make me feel good, and not just because the facts SAY it will make me feel good, but because I am my own actual living PROOF that it will make me feel good....and yet I do not do for myself what makes me feel good.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??
Why on earth would I keep from doing things for myself (ANY things) that I have already proven make myself feel good?


I've been working on this question for months.
I still haven't figured it out.
And I am eating jellybeans while typing this.

abc-along

d is for...

...dance.

performing at a friend's wedding, 2003
(still a bi-ped at that point)

members of The Sabah Ensemble honor Esike Tarics at a memorial, 2006
(that's me on the left in the back of the line)

The Sabah Ensemble at the 2007 Rakkasah performing "Alchemy"
(that's me peeking through from the back)

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No, I did not miss a day of posting yesterday. The Blog 365 rules state that TheDayOfLeap was to be ADayOfRest.

I gladly accepted.

"c" is for...

...coconuts.


Thai young coconuts, to be specific.


Purchased by the case at the asian market, it works out to about $.78 each. It was this past December that I finally got over my fear of cracking them open by learning an easy technique.

I put the coconut on its side. Using an inexpensive (but heavy duty), butcher knife (under $15, also from the asian market), I scrape away at the top of the coconut, to remove the fibrous exterior.


Then I set the coconut back up on it's flat bottom, and give it a solid whack with the heel of the knife, at an angle, about an inch or two from the top.

Twist, plus a little leverage, and the "lid" pops right off.


I have been told this is the "girlie" way of opening a coconut. Most folks don't scrape off the excess fiber first, they just make five whacks around the top in the shape of a pentagon, and there you have it. Doing it that way scares me so much it is what kept me from ever trying to open one myself. So all hail the girlie way.

Now let me say this: I am not a huge fan of coconut. Sure, I like me a really good fat macaroon from time to time. Perhaps the occasional Almond Joy if it calls to me (which it often will) from the bottom of the Halloween bucket. But I don't like coconut in much of anything else.

Fresh coconut, however, is NOTHING like it's dessicated-in-the-bag-distant-cousin, though.

What do I do with all this coco goodness?

Well, the coconut water I use in smoothies, or if I am feeling really crafty, I ferment it into a kefir. Most the time I can't wait that long though, and I just stick a straw right into the coconut and drink it. If I am opening a whole case at once though (to make a recipe out of the coconut meat) then I put the coco-water into mason jars. It will keep for a couple of days. It also freezes well, as does the meat. It's not a bad idea when buying a case to just "go coco" and process them all at once. They take up too much space on the counter and don't hold up forever.

Interesting factoid: the water is very nutritious! It has ZERO fat (it is the "meat" that is fatty, but even then, it is a healthy source of fat. Coconut "milk" is not the same as the water...milk is a blend of the meat and the water together, typically). The water ends up being naturally filtered and sterile. Rumor has it, that it was even used as blood transfusions on battlefields during World War II when supplies were low. Coconut water is very similar to plasma! Drink up! It is good for you!!

After I deal with the water, I scrape out the insides, also known as the "meat", using an ice cream scoop. This is also great in smoothies (makes it rich and creamy), and it also fermentable with a kefir starter to become a vegan yogurt.

But my favorite thing to do with he meat is to make lemon pudding out of it.


Into a blender (or a food processor) goes:
2 cups coconut meat (about 4)
the scrapings of a vanilla bean (a good extract would do)
a few drops of a food-grade lemon essential oil (lemon extract would work, too)
2 T lemon juice
a pinch of salt
some sort of sweetener to taste (for me it's either agave syrup or liquid stevia, but honey would probably work just fine).

Puree and chill, or if you want to eat it right away, add in some ice cubes when you blend it. If it is too thick, you can thin it with water, or some of the coconut water.



I don't really taste the coconut in the finished product, just the lemon. I keep threatening to try this again soon with grapefruit oils and juices. I might even make one with fresh ginger. Yum! But I am so happy with the lemon, I just keep making it that way.

Oh! And if you stick it in the freezer, it makes a great frozen "ice cream". Just let it thaw for 5 minutes or so before you try to dig into it.

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"c" is also for....

.....cd's


This is a minor representation of my collection.
Very minor.
I have over 1200 of them.

Most of them have been in boxes since we moved last summer. Having no desire for the visual clutter of a wall o' cd's in this new home, I just sort of didn't deal with it.

I am now in the process of ripping them all onto that tiny little silver box on the left there. I can't even wrap my brain around the notion that all this music is going to fit in that little thing, but TheMostImportantGuy assures me that it will.

The project is sort of taking over my life right now....not to mention my dining room table.

"b" is for....

...bones.



As a dance teacher that focuses on the principals of ideokinesis, I am always thinking about the bones.



As a dancer/performer, am I often intrigued by having my movement initiate from the bones (in fact, the current piece I am performing with Dandelion, "Spinal Fluid," is all about moving from the bones).



And, just a little tidbit, as an "above the knee amputee", I have less bones than I started out with. (I'm not exactly sure how many less, but I believe it to be 30-1/2).

what is abc along? click here

All images from "The Architecture and Design of Man and Woman: The Marvel of the Human Body, Revealed" Alexander Tsiaras, text by Barry Werth

"a" is for....

...anxiety.

the last resort

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read all about it

In my early 20's, I worked at a very stressful job. One day out of the blue, I was at work, and I thought I was having a heart attack. I went into the urgent care clinic. I was told it was anxiety, and they sent me on my merry way with a little pamphlet about it. I didn't have a recurrence, in part, I believe, because I quit that job a few weeks later.

After a little thinking, and not much research (pamphlet reading), I formed a pretty strong opinion about people who suffer from anxiety. I decided that people with anxiety just need to get over themselves. Go to therapy. Go do some yoga. Go meditate. Take a chill pill. Do something, and it will go away. Sit there and do nothing, and it won't. Therefore, if you have anxiety for any extended period of time, you are a slacker. I pretty much decided that I will have compassion for you in the early stages of your stress and anxiety, but by god, don't ramble on and on to me about your anxiety 2 years later....because, hellooooo...you should be over it by now. I can tell you that I even ended a friendship with someone who had anxiety, because...well...I just don't like to surround myself with people who can't process their shit.

I held this belief system from my early 20's up until a few years ago (I did a lot of stupid things in my 20's, and I spent most of my 30's being a little cocky).

Well, here I am today.
40 and anxious.

After the car accident, well okay -- after coming down off the oodles of pain meds -- I started having flashbacks about the moments right after impact (when I was stuck in the car for 2 hours). Post traumatic stress, and anxiety.
Whee! Yay me! I have labels.

Of course, I tried therapy and yoga and meditation and chill pills and a few other things. And you know what?? I have anxiety managed. I have it managed quite well, actually.

But 4 years later?? Hellooooo....it is only managed. I still have it.

My anxiety crops up at the oddest of times. It happens less frequently, but there still is no rhyme or reason to what triggers it. I swear, it is in my body in some way, like some sort of version of muscle memory, but on a more cellular level. I can usually feel coming on, when it is in it's very early stages, and if I catch it, I know what I need to do for myself to nip it in the bud so it doesn't escalate. I also know what to do if it does escalate. And I also know how long I am alright just allowing myself to sit with anxiety, as I sometimes do in attempt to not avoid my feelings. But I have learned the hard way, that if I sit for too long (after about 5 days), my anxiety will spiral into something that looks more like depression.

For a long time, the medical community wanted to treat my depression, but not my anxiety. I have always refused. In fact, here's a funny story: when I was in the hospital recovering from the accident, one day they tried adding anti-anxiety meds to my little tray of other pills, without consulting me. When I asked why, the doctor told me that it was presumed I would become depressed (being an amputee is so awfully depressing, apparently) and they were just trying to head it off at the pass. WTF???!!!!!!! I refused to take it.

Anyhow, point is....if I ever sink into a brief little pit, which I do from time to time, for ME, that means I need to deal with my anxiety. For ME, my depression is a SYMPTOM of my anxiety. Or maybe it's just a bad hair day.

The most difficult part of dealing with my anxiety has been undoing all of my judgments about it, and also about the people who have it. It has been most difficult, because I am now one of them. I had to undo judgments of MYSELF. I hated myself for a good long while, and I even went a few rounds of beating myself up for not being able to "get over it", and it only made me more anxious.
As I sit here today, I can report that I am accepting of the fact that anxiety lives in me, and I have tools so I can live with it.

This is not the only thing in my life that I have judged people about that has eventually come my way. It's an interesting karmic thing, I think. It seems like if I've ever looked down on a person for some reason, chances are, I will become afflicted with that very thing.

Sometimes I think this is my path in this life.
To walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Maybe because I only have one shoe I have to do it for longer.