news! flash!

Still sick. Still curled up under my new blanket, rather than posting about it. But I DO have a news flash.....about Flash!
(Flash is the gecko)

He ate!!!! Waxworms!!!

His tail still looks odd, but over the last few days he's been more alert, and tonight he jumped at the worms. First time in about two months, and there's been two vet visits and various meds and pureed foods administered by droppers for weeks now.

I'm really hoping he's turned a corner.

Breaking out the big guns tonight and trying NyQuil Cough to see if I can be in bed without and hourly hack-fest. Still have no voice.

-----
Sent from my iPad

coughin and kvetchin

I'm still soooo sick today kids, that I don't even have it in me to show you the new fuzzy blanket today. I'm too busy being curled up underneath it, sipping on tea.


I must tell you about my cute little mug! It comes from the etsy shop "Haldecraft" which is filled up with handmade goodies made by long time reader and commenter Haldechick of Snarkland (umm, Haldechick...your new soap???..bwahahahahaha!).

I had to have this mug. I saw it, and I had a huge flashback to my childhood and seeing Shirley Temple's movie "The Bluebird" when I was a kid.


She'd played a brat in that movie (can you believe it?!) who went on this fantastical journey looking for The Bluebird of Happiness. I liked Shirley and the bird, but I also remember feeling bad for that evil kitteh LOL.

Oh, man. I have to show you what I bumped into when I went seaching for that image from the movie:


Ha.

Anyhow, I have picked up a few other things from Haldecraft. I also have these awesome little owls that I reposition from time to time around they house and they make me crack up.






That last shot looks like TheMostImportantGuy runnin' away from me real fast when I gotz the crazies LOL.


Wellp, today was a total loss. I skipped my regular practice at the zen center. I canceled the appointment I had with TheScarDoc, which is really too bad because I think I have been having problems with the scars on my arm tightening up (lots of pain lately...hurts to knit even...gah!). And I have already called in to cancel visits to the convalescent hospitals tomorrow so I can rest, and also not give my little ol' friends a case of TheCrud.

I got really bored and stupid today. I was dozing in and out on the couch under the blanket watching The Barefoot Contessa make fixings for a cocktail party, and three times I heard her say she was making a platter of, "real good salami with hot ass cucumbers." I had to rewind it several times before I finally figured out she was saying "hot house cucumbers", but I've coughed so much I swear I have blown my own eardrums out. Not to mention I have gotten stupid, because I should know that it's hot house cucumber I was looking at, even though I called it an English cucumber.

I have also coughed so much that I have pulled a muscle behind my left shoulder blade, and I was also up coughing all night long, and today I still have no voice. Yay, me.

I finally gave up on Ina and the cocktail party and the dozing (I really hate napping...I should try to figure out why), and since it was BlackMonday and I'd heard there was going to be lots of apps on sale, I went looking for a new game for the iPad. I spent 99-cents, and then wasted an hour playing, "Meow Meow Happy Fight" of all things.

Jeez.
And this is me not even on NyQuil.

a one-legged car crashin' chick "reviews" 127 hours

**WARNING: POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT**

This is a post about my emo-adventures while seeing the movie 127 Hours yesterday. I cannot imagine that anything I could say here would be a spoiler for any movie go-er (I think by now y'all know what this movie is about, right?? The movie is based on a true story about a few adventure filled days in the life of Aron Ralston, where he gets trapped by a falling boulder while hiking out in NoMansLand).
If you DON'T know what this movie is about, and were planning on going for the punchline and want to be surprised? Well....you can just come back tomorrow when I'll be talking about fuzzy handknit blankets ;-)


Oh. And this has turned out to be a long post, so grab a coffee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm not sure how accurately I can describe my sitting-on-the-fence feelings about whether or not to go see 127 Hours.


I am an amputee. I lost my leg a car wreck. I am not defined by my disability. Well, I don't define myself that way. You might define me that way. It's definitely an unavoidable topographical feature of my physical landscape, so to speak....so I guess if you were asked to describe me, you'd perhaps start off by saying, "brown hair, brown eyes," just out of politeness....but I bet you'd end up having to describe me as "that one-legged chick," pretty quickly. But for me it's been almost 7 years now, I sometimes still forget that I only have one leg. Being one-legged hasn't slowed me down much or left me in the corner sitting on a pity-pot. I teach dance, I've hiked through lava tubes, climbed up into helicopters, blah blah blah...

Even though my disability does not define me, what has tweaked my personality considerably was the "2 Hours" right after the car crash happened. I spent it trapped in the car, in a ditch, where no one could see me, with my leg pinned by a guardrail (in actuality, my leg was amputated by that guard rail, I just didn't know it--thank god). And I was awake. And alert. And I was trying to get out. And I went through way more emotions than you might imagine possible during those "2 Hours", and lemme tell ya', it is those moments that have made a permanent impression on who I am today....far more than gaining a physical disability.

I like to think I'm not hung-up on the memories of those "2 Hours". I mean, I really have moved on with life in soooo many ways, but to be honest, they sometimes create some sort of whacked out post-traumatic stress type thing in me. For example. Perhaps I am in a parking lot and I smell radiator fluid. It might cause my mind to fly backwards in time in a way that will cause me to fall apart for a moment. It's fast. If you were standing next to me in that parking lot at that moment, you might not even see the shift in me. I'd say I've done a pretty fair job of learning how to work with the flashback-y stuff when it comes up. I do have moments though when it is a bit bigger than me, and yes, thank you, I've gone to therapy and all that, so there's no need to suggest it.

Mostly what has happened with my feelings about those "2 Hours" is that I have chosen to funnel it into dance, and especially into my volunteer work. I visit with seniors that are essentially "trapped" in convalescent hospitals, and not getting visitors. Now, I was already doing that work for over a decade before my accident, but it's been brought to a whole new wonderful level since the accident, and that topic is a whole 'nother post (a series of posts, actually...and my goal is to create a structure for that for next year's blogging around here).

Anyhow. THE MOVIE. And my fence sitting. About whether to even go see it or not.

There are certain movies that I just cannot go see. It would be like intentionally waltzing into a parking lot and sniffing around for radiator fluid. I cannot go see any of the "Saw" movies, for example. I can't do it. And when I heard that's Aron Ralston's story was going to be made into a movie, I knew deep down inside, that as interested as I was in his story, I would never go see this movie. Never. Ever. Never Ever. There isn't enough anti-anxiety medicine in the world that could keep me from experiencing my own post-traumatic stress while seeing this movie. I mean, really. Do you think this one-legged girl, who freaks out occasionally over her "2 Hours" of being trapped is really going to be able to handle the visuals of a soon-to-be one-armed guy and his ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN hours?!?!?

I think not.
But.

James Franco.

James Franco is the star of this movie, and ohhhhh my dears, how I love James Franco. I have always loved James Franco, and I even have a few dvd's of him in my stash, and I pop them in from time to time when I need to see that face (that face!!). I have always loved his ability as an actor to communicate so much with his eyes and face. I just love watching his stuff. And so....hence the fence sitting. If I skip the movie, I skip seeing one of my favorite actors in what I bet will be an Oscar nominating role for him. Still. I wasn't going to go see this movie. No way, Jose. The fear of a radiator fluid moments won, and not seeing the movie was just going to have to be my loss. Period.

Until yesterday. TheMostImportantGuy and I wanted to get out for a bit, and since I was still sick, something low key like a movie seemed like the best bet. We looked at what was playing nearby and weren't agreeing on much. I knew that he realllly wanted to see this movie, and he knew I realllly couldn't tolerate it, but I asked him to describe to me some of the reviews the movie has been getting lately, like about how it was filmed in an unusual way to show what was going in the character's head....and then I watched a trailer with scenes I hadn't seen before, and it just looked less "hype-y" than the first clips I saw....and so off we went.

And it was a great movie.

James Franco as Aron Ralston

The movie-nerd in me wants to tell you that the way it was filmed and edited really did get you inside the head of the character. And that James Franco rocked it (and not just because I already am a fan). And that the soundtrack/soundscore was so unusual and amazing, that I think I might just have to buy it.

The "2 Hour"/AmpuTeeHee part of me however, had an entirely different review to give, and I really wanted to say it out loud to TheMIG, but I had laryngitis (still do). So I sat there all meepy-weepy and teary-eyed for a bit until I could get my thoughts together and use the smallest amount of words possible.

Let's see if I can recapture it. I know it's going to get wordier because I'm typing, and that kind of sucks, but oh well...here we go:

If I could make a list of allllll the things that the character went through while he was trapped for his 127 Hours, I can honestly tell you that within my own "2 Hours," I'd say I experienced 95% of them, too. I have this hunch that going through this range of experiences may be universal when faced with death, and that it might not be tied to how long you are trapped and feel like you are dying, but instead how close you get to dying. Like, maybe if you die in 2 seconds you go through the same amount of thoughts and stages, just really really fast, and that's why they call it "watching your life flash before your eyes." Like maybe you go through all of these emotions whether it is 2 seconds or 2 minutes or 2 hours or 2 days or 2 months. I dunno. Like I said, a crazy hunch, not based at all on research or fact, obviously.

But let me tell you, I did, or thought ,or experienced, almost all of the things the character did. All of it. Moments of clarity. Moments of panic. Resting. Flipping out. Seeing old moments. Working through moments that hadn't happened yet. Being visited by animals. Seeing the beauty in my immediate surroundings. Seeing family. Creating and acting out strategies for escape. Giving up. Being angry. Begging Sleeping. For one minute. Waking up alert again. Thinking about TheMIG. Realllly thinking about MyFavoriteKid. Feeling my body shutting down organ by organ. Coming to a very solid understanding that my whole life had brought me to that moment.

And so I walked out of this movie meepy, because one of things I live with now, is that I really have no way of describing to people those "2 Hours" and how it fuels my "today". I'm not articulate enough. I hate that. Not being able to get people to understand what that those "2 Hours" was like sometimes creates a whole new level of isolation in me that sits on top of the fear and loneliness that is already there from being stuck in the car. It's like I'm in some SecretSurvivorsClub and I'm the only one I know with the password or something. Sometimes I try to explain those "2 Hours" to people, and folks nod their head and say that they understand, but I just don't know if you can really get it unless you can put yourself there.

But I think that this movie puts you there.

And while that makes for stressful move viewing, it's kinda cool.

So now maybe a few thousand people might understand this better (read as: understand me better). I have to believe it might, because it sounds like Mr.Aron himself might at least have his own version....so that's one person with the password, no? And hey, James Franco himself had to pull his acting up out of somewhere, right? As far as I know, he's never cheated death personally. So he actually had to understand this. No?

Feeling understood. That's what made me tear up.

will the real Aron Ralson please stand up....

and climb mountains....

and do the disco....

So, I hope this post hasn't been a downer, kids. It wasn't intended to be. Just trying to document for myself how things effect me, is all....and bringing you along for the ride ;-)

snaps on saturday

Doing my part today, on "Small Business Saturday," by hitting up a local independent bookseller nearby. Now, on my nightstand, new (new to me---the books are used) bedtime reading:

"A New Order of Things: How The Textile Industry Transformed New England," by Paul E. Rivard, and...
"Covered Wagon Women: Diaries & Letters From The Western Trails, 1840-1849,"
Edited and Compiled by Kenneth L. Holmes

I've already taken a nice long scan over both, and they're right up my alley. Historical and crafty--combined!

how many times do you have to do something non-traditional before it becomes a tradition?

Let me tell you a bit about yesterday's Thanksgiving, beginning with a little background.

Three Thanksgivings ago, it was arranged that MyFavoriteKid would spend Thanksgiving proper with TheEx that year. It was my first year without my kiddo around for the holiday, and TheMostImportantGuy was not going to be around either. TheMIG was going to head out of town for his own family's gathering, and while I was invited to go, I wasn't going to have my own mom and dad then being left alone, either. So the plan was that the holiday meal would just be the three of us...me, my mom, my dad. We were actually just going to dine out for our Thanksgiving dinner, but then we found out about a different option. See, I live in a little gated neighborhood (sounds way fancier than it is, trust me), and we have a clubhouse flanking the entry to the joint. The property manager posted that there was to be a Thanksgiving Day potluck at the clubhouse...that turkeys and hams would be provided, and to show up with side dishes. Well, we went. And it was awesome. It was a huge roomfull of people, and the sense of community was great, and the meal itself was lots and lots of food for way less effort. We loved it.

Two Thanksgivings ago, MyFk was beginning to express his own stress about who he was going to spend the holidays with. I guess we all figured that this is where the "rule of alternating" would begin and that MyFK would be back at home, but MyFK was now emotionally mature enough to understand that he couldn't be in two places at once, and he felt sad about having anyone being left out. Well, since I have no problem with TheEx in general, nor his family, and we'd never had any problems at any other events where there was a crowd (MyFK's school concerts or plays, for example)....I figured why not have us all go to the clubhouse? And so we did. And it was great again. Lots of food, lots of friends and neighbors, lots of family...even if it was a little odd.

But this year? Wellp. Clubhouse again. But expanded, even more oddly LOLOL:


Clockwise, from bottom left corner: me, TheMIG, TheMIG's mom, my mom, TheEx's mom, TheEx'sBrother (MyFK's uncle), The Ex, MyFK, TheMIG's brother-in-law, my dad, TheMIG's sister, TheMIG's neice and nephew.

The clubhouse Thanksgiving is a bit non-traditional, but now that I'm in my third year with it, for me it's become a new traditional.
Even though my guest list has become even more non-traditional.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other traditions I am totally digging this holiday weekend:

• Watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade (as an aside, I had a huge pms-flash during the parade, and I found myself first getting weepy over The Rockettes, and then the Sesame Street float because Bob and Luis were riding on it, and then over some marching band from Guatamala. Then I started crying over commercials. I am such a dork when I am hormonal!)
  
• Watching the first (but definitely not the last) of the Holiday movies (this year's first I bumped into Miracle on 34th Street. The old one. :-D
• Channel surfing for some sort of marathon that I might enjoy. Which I did find. And it was a James Bond marathon.
• Not shopping at any big stores on Black Friday, but instead heading out to Wendy Addison's Theatre of Dreams.

I picked up a couple of really cool items to add to my growing collections, but didn't get home until it was too dark to shoot them. I'll try to do that this weekend. Her stuff is just so cool. Every time I go to her shop I come home and want to get crafty.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lastly, an update on my health.

I was feeling much better energy-wise by yesterday morning, and had even regained some of my voice back. Until going to the clubhouse and trying to chat with family and friends in loud room. Today I can barely speak above a whisper.

Which some people seemed pleased about.

busy digesting...

...as I bet most of you who read this are. I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Full post tomorrow while I avoid Black Friday ;-)

now it's not blech. it's just bl...

Was feeling better. Not great, but not, "dead on the bed," like I was last night, though. I was able to take care of a few holiday preparatory tasks, and was cruising along, albeit slowly.

Then about 8pm or so? I started losing my voice. Here now at 10:50pm and I'm well beyond, "started to lose.". My voice is going, going, gone.

I guess I won't need to wait for Christmas Eve to have a silent night.

More than likely my friends and family will be enjoying the benefits of my plight immensely.

blech.

It's been a rapid descent into illness today.

I did stay up a bit too late last night, but because ther is no school for MyFavoriteKid this week, I knew I'd be able to make it up on the flip-side (which I did) by sleeping in.

I volunteered at both convalescent hospitals and felt fine, but I was definitely moving through severe temerature changes. Forty-ish outside and god knows what inside... you do know they crank up the heat in these places for the residents. And then when it was time for lunch with James, they wouldn't make room for us to eat in the diningroom together!! We ate outside!! So I was out in the parking lot in the cold, then inside in the oven for a few, outside freezing for an hour (James takes a very long time to eat), then in the heat to clean up, then out to the cold parking lot, then into the warm car. In and out of the heat and cold a few more times as I picked up the last few food items for the big dinner....and then there it was.

The tickle. Started about 1:30 andmy usual drill for keeping ahead of it has failed. THIS SUCKS. There is too much to do.

punchy

I'm really in a bad mood at the moment because of the gecko situation.

For such a quiet little guy, he really is a big part of the family. MyFavoriteKid was six when he got him, and he saved up birthday money, did chores, and researched how to care for him, for months before he bought him.

He's been sick for weeks. He's been to a special vet three times now. He's on his third medication. He's being fed with a syringe. His eyes are strange. He's getting smaller.

And tonight the tip of his tail started to turn red and hard. I dont know what that means, and will be in touch with the doc again tomorrow....

...but I'm upset and freaking out.

the post that isn't very posty

...because I'm exhausted and cannot see straight.

Vacation week for us. Going to bed and sleeping in.

Ahhhhh...

snaps on saturday

knitting during the one hour break at the zen center retreat

ymjj

The Four Great Vows
sentient beings are numberless, we vow to save them all
delusions are endless, we vow to cut through them all
the teachings are infinite, we vow to learn them all
the buddha way is inconceivable, we vow to attain it

Time again for another one of those 3-day retreats at the zen center. Today it's 9:30am to 9:30pm, and right now I am typing to you from the iPad during the one hour break before dinner.

Sitting, walking, chanting, eating, bowing, kong-an practice (interviews with the zen master)....all done as forms of meditative practices. Tomorrow it will be the same, only longer, 6am to 9:30pm, and Sunday it's 6am until whenever a special ceremony ends (afternoon-ish).

These three day retreats are called YMJJ's (Yong Maeng Jong Jin...which means "to leap like a tiger while sitting"). Very fitting, as it describes my morning before coming to the retreat.

like most weekday mornings, I drove MyFavoriteKid to the bus stop. I was gone from the house for a total of 8 minutes. When I returned, there was about a twenty foot trail of feathers in my house, starting near the kitchen and ending up in my bedroom. There were even a few feathers on my bed near my pillow, and it was right after seeing those that I spotted the bird doody way up high on the window blinds. No bird to be seen. No cats to be seen.

Events that change everything in minutes.

Cat leaps like a tiger.

And I cannot save the sentient bird-beings.

Back to practicing.

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Sent from my iPad

sunset tonight in the hood

The calm before the storm. Rain for the next three days.

seven.

TheMostImportantGuy and me. Today. Seven years.

You have permission to laugh at me about what I am about to tell you next (because TheMIG finds it ridiculous also), and that is that I am totally freaked out about this anniversary because of the Seven Year Itch.

I'm not freaked out by the movie. I'm freaked out by the myth.

I'm totally stupid superstitious and feeling insecure about it, and I cannot wait for this year to fly by just so we can be at Eight. It's totally ridiculous of me. We've already exceeded any length of time I have ever spent in a relationship before (in fact, for me, we passed that milestone a couple of years ago). I do believe this is his longest relationship, too...but he's not here to confirm with, and even though I am positive I have questioned him on the subject before, I apparently have chosen to forget the details of his other girlfriends. Fancy that.

And beside this being the longest relationship, we are happy. Well, at least I am happy (I have to let him speak for himself). I might be freaked out and in general a little insecure and a little kooky, but I am very happy and very much in a state of adoration of my Guy.

I think some of my freaking out has to do with (hold onto your hats!!) the fact that we are at present in escrow on a piece of property that we intend to purchase together so that we can live in it together several years from now, after MyFavoriteKid graduates. It's a live/work space that has a big open studio in the front and a humble abode in the back, and if all goes as planned, TheMIG would live there and for the next few years I would be there on my kid-free weekends, and also making use of the studio for dance projects and teaching. Then when MyFK graduates we re-evaluate the state of things, and the idea is that I would move in there. Kid my throw a wrench in that, and five years is a long time, but that's the notion, at least.

I know I haven't said anything here about this big plan so far.

Because I'm freaking out.

And because we're in the middle of inspections and I don't want to jinx it.

And because it's not only a huge financial commitment, but also a huge relationship commitment, and it's a commitment to a relatively distant 5-years-from-now future....which, having been in a huge life changing situation (the accident) that was also seven years ago....well, I'm flipping out a bit about putting all my eggs in a 5-years-from-now storage basket when I know what can happen in the blink of an eye. Dig?

Like I said, superstitious. Finger crossing, non-crack stepping, mojo mumbling, candle lighting crazy over here.


But crazy in love, too.

holiday knitting humor

Blatantly filched from Haldechick over at Snarkland (had to snag it though, because it's so damn funny in that not-so-funny way that it made me laugh and tear up at the same time).



It is Crazy.Town. indeed, but she could always crochet a pair.

i need to take nap lessons from the dog

too much in, not enough out

Very unintentionally, I feel like I am subjecting the blog here to a test:
how long can I keep up daily blogging without really saying anything of substance?

I'm not too worried about it. Blogging daily for a year at a time, in my opinion, leaves opportunities for lots of ebb and flow. But I don't intend to be doing what I am doing with the lack of solid content, that's for sure...which then causes me to wonder why it is happening.

One of the reasons is that I am just flat out busy. Finding time for myself to do anything seems to be quite the challenge lately. Another reason is that some of the things I probably should be writing about are things that I can't quite figure out how to get onto "the page." I lack the skills.

I have been thinking much about this lately, especially as this year begins to draw to a close and I need to decide what that means for me and the blog next year.

But the other thing that is happening is that I believe I am processing lots of information coming in, and it's somehow bottle necking the flow of energy out. For example, this weekend, I am listening to an audiobook by Mark Twain, I am watching a long documentary about Thomas Jefferson, and I am reading Ernest Hemmingway. And I am thinking about all of it. Lots.

I am not writing much, dancing much, and I my knitting is garter stitch (for the non-knitter, garter stitch is as basic as it gets), and it might just be that this is because there is so much coming in, I can't get other things out. Is this making any sense? Or I am just cuckoo.

Now that I've identified that this is a possible part of my writer's block, let's see what happens.

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Posted (with love) from my iPad

snaps on saturday

Somewhere in this shot is MyFavoriteKid performing for the first time with the Napa Valley Youth Orchestra ;-)

pooooped

I did wear my pajamas to dance class last night. I popped on a bra underneath, threw on some jewelry, and if anyone noticed, they didn't say anything.

I've had a really long day. I really long couple of weeks, actually. I feel like I'm always in my car and that I've put a kajillion miles on it. The only thing that is making it tolerable is that I've been downloading all sorts of interesting things to listen to while I cruise. Audiobooks and podcasts. Lots of them. I'll make a list when I'm a little bit less tired.

pj day

It's been a pajama day. Maybe not the most patriotric of ways to honor our vets on Veteran's Day, but I suppose that depends on who you ask.

MyFavoriteKid did not have school, he had a friend spend the night last night, and I have therefore spent the day in my loungewear (one of these days, I am going to have to show you my pajama stash. It's sort of gone Imelda Marcos.)

I'm a little resentful of the fact that I have to get out of my pajamas now in order to go teach dance class tonight, rather than just remain in my pajamas and go back to bed. Although, in all honesty, my loungewear is not that far off from the look my yoga pants and a t-shirt present. I may just stay in my pajamas and see if anyone notices.

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Posted from my iPad