rewind, rewound & rewritten

For those of you keeping track, yesterday I bailed on a WhineyAssedPost. I didn't delete it though, in hopes of salvaging at least something, during these lean times called NaBloPoMO. Here's is the first half in it's entirety, exactly as it was originally written (in green), plus the new replacement bits.
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rewind

Here it is, November, and I'm feel like it's important for me to backtrack all the way into September and October. Not because I am out of blog fodder for NaBloPoMo, but because lots was left unsaid in my absence. I have a couple of DeepBrainFart topics to discuss, I have many many people to thank for gifties in the mail, and I'd like to record some thoughts about the shows that I performed in while they are still fresh in my head. So the next few posts will be dedicated to catching up.

The first order of business in catching up though, is to explain why I took such a long break from blogging in the first place. Not as an excuse or apology, but because I am really on a mission to understand why I do (or do not do) certain things sometimes.

So here we go.

Way back in August, I already knew that I would not be posting anything with substance during the month of October. I had already seen the writing on the wall (or the calendar, I guess), I there was to be a three week period during October where I had to do something like 5 shows, with 2 different dance companies. Plus I had to attend their associated regular rehearsals, tech rehearsals, and dress rehearsals. Oh, and one of those two dance companies? I am the co-director of. Plus I helped with some of the concert production. Oh, and I performed in 3 different pieces for that concert, too...one of which was a new solo.

In other words, October was screwed for finding time to sit and type, like I said, I could see that clearly way back in August. My plan, however, was to post through the month of September, and then warn y'all that there would be little, if any, sign of me, in blogland during October.

But two things happened in early September that gave me the grandest case of BackedUpConstipatedBloggyBlock that I have ever had.

The first, was that someone was emailing me, repeatedly, telling me what I should be posting about (and it wasn't posed in the form of a polite request).

Now, if you know anything about me at all, telling me what to do is one sure fire way to make sure I do not do it (unless You are TheMostImportantGuy, but that's an entirely different thang).

(SECRET TIP OF THE DAY: The power of suggestion works amazingly well on TheAmpuT, especially if you can find a way to trick me into thinking that I had come up with the bright idea all on my own. If you don't want to hassle with that, polish up your Please's and ThankYou's extra shiny-like...or bat your eyelashes...either works like a charm every time)

I think, actually, that my first sentence as a baby was "I DO IT MYSELF!" (Mom+Dad, am I correct on that??---and no, you do not need to tell me the story about my refusing to hold Grandpa's hand while crossing the street. Again. Unless it pleases you LOL).



Ok, so that is where yesterday's post turned sour. From there, I sorta dove in head first explaining the whole situation plus my several week process of dealing with it, which included (but was not limited to):
being irritated, complaining to friends endlessly, avoiding the situation entirely, getting frustrated, becoming anxious to point of considering medication, feeling like I was being told I was lying by omission, name calling in my sleep, complete avoidance of my blog, and my trying to figure out if the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," is really worth it's weight in gold, or in shit.

After a couple weeks of THAT, it morphed into deep self-contemplation, a willingness and readiness to resolve the situation, my direct invitation to discuss the situation, having the offered discussion deemed unnecessary, and then allowing the whole issue to basically be swept under the rug.

*le sigh*
Well, even though I didn't to say my piece, at least I got as far as working it out for myself, and at least I got as far as being brave enough to be able to say what I had to say, even if I didn't get a chance to say it.

The whole situation, especially feeling alienated from the blog (one of my key creative and somewhat theraputic outlets for myself), had me WACKED OUT. And so where y'all were probably thinking I was just sort of skipping through daisies in Disneyland over here, ignoring the internets, I was actually here day in, day out, trying to figure out where to find the Blogger'sVersionOfPruneJuice.

Seriously. Too many hours were spent fretting and stressed. I had given this situation way too much of my time and energy....but the thing I saw yesterday, was that here it was weeks later, and I was STILL DOING IT! GAH!!!


SO!! That explains the first chunk of September, but there was still a little bit of the month left before TheHellMonthOfOctober was to hit.

But by then there was new thing that kept me from blogging, and seeing that this post is already way too long, I'll save that for later....

....but as a preview, the next thing that kept me away from posting in September (you'll love this one), was that I was uncomfortable about being too happy.

I laugh out loud just typing that now, but I assure you, I wasn't laughing about it one bit a few weeks ago. So I'll be back to dive into that topic.