february

Snap A Dozen Days

this year's costume for the Rakassah

February

February is about dance rehearsals. The Sabah Ensemble often performs at the Rakassah in March, making February a busy month for rehearsals. Sometimes instead of, or in addition to, working with the ensemble on the Rakassah, I have occasionally spent this time of year working on some other project. this is also the time of year that I have produced solo works, and one year, I even produced and entire benefit concert. Sometimes it's been a student performance with another class, or like last year, I worked with another dance company.
Whatever production is in process, it seems to me like February is always the month of intense rehearsals. Things have usually been quiet during the holiday season, and even though there may be rehearsals in the first month of the year, it's like a "slowly coming to speed" thing. It's like the the creative impulses that have been brewing over the long winter months get to do this "unfolding" and we all get to just witness what is there.
February, however, is usually the month that we begin to put the nose to the grindstone. Those early impulses will get shaped into something more structural, and later in February comes the time that sequences get rehearsed over and over and over again, not to get them perfectly fine tuned (that comes later), but so we have more opporunities to explore the piece in layers, and to delve deeper.

February is about my birthday. I love birthdays, everyones...but especially mine. This year I turned 40, and at the last minute ended up having a fantastic gathering of friends.


February is the warm wooden floors of dance studios, layers of exploration, layers of fabric and costuming, candy hearts, and birthday cake.

house of crud

The above photo is an accurate representation of all I have seen since early Sunday morning.

A bed, really really bad daytime television, and lots of tissues.
I kid you not. I've hardly moved.
Lots of fever. Lots and lots of chesty coughing.

MyFavoriteKid has the crud too, and hasn't been able to go to school. Between the two of us, I really think the house should be quarantined. Every mug, cup, and teaspoon sits piled up as it has been used for warm teas, juices and doses of medicines. We could really use someone to come dig us out, but they should come wearing a hazmat suit. I did actually ask my parents go to the store and bring us fresh rations of fruit and more orange juice and whatnot so we don't also contract scurvy. We're so ill that my mom left the bags at the door and wouldn't step foot inside the house LOL.

If I owe you an email or if I'm not commenting on some big happenings on blogs...please forgive. I've read something like two posts in 3 days and I think my bloglines is about to blowup.


I'm going to go crawl back into the nesting pit now.

it is *just* an observation

blue is the color of disability

February + March = Blue/Gray/White @ Project Spectrum.

in which i jump off a bridge, become gifted, and prepare for a doppelgagner moment

Jumping Off A Knitted Bridge

When I was in high school, it seemed that I, "jumped off bridges just because everyone else was doing it." It was not that I was heavily swayed by peer pressure. Actually, I was the nerdy odd girl that had a rebellious streak. I stuck out as different, and at some age became to like that. When I did jump off the bridges that other people were jumping off, I was usually the first one with a leg over...and if I wasn't, it was because my friends had (what seemed to be) some damn good ideas. Bungee jumping had not been invented yet.

Calorimetry.
Everyone's doing it.
And I am jumping off the knitted bridge because my friends have a damn good idea.

When I saw the original in Knitty, and I didn't give it a second glance. It wasn't until I saw everyone else's done up in different colors that I gave it notice (I keep thinking about the advice to photocopy patterns in black and white so that you can envision your own own color ideas on the sample...but knowing me, if I did that, I'd probably end up knitting everything grey).



I love this thing. I can tell I need to knit a few more. It really does keep my head warm, and I've needed that around here this winter. I feel a little ridiculous wearing a knitted hat indoors (I look especially silly wearing my kitty ears hat to bed), but I've been turning the heat way down, and having a warm head really helps. Calorimetry is just the ticket. Toasty!

I also love this because I got to put the handspun sent to me by TheBon to good and gorgeous use (who, btw, just phoned to say she has arrived in town! Woohoo! More on that below).

Calorimetry
Yarn: Handspun from TheBon, merino singles plied with beaded black perle cotton (approx 73 yds), photo of it as a skein found here
Needles: US #8, Denise
Pattern: Calorimetry
Finished: 2/8/07
Modifications:
* I reduced the cast on to 104 sts, then knit to my own center (which I decided for me was having 34 stitches on the outside ends of each marker)
* I was afraid I would not have enough yarn to complete the project, so I did the first 3 rows and the last 3 rows in a contrasting color., black (from stash, Cascade 220).
Notes:
My first thought was that having a button closure seemed pointless. I planned to seam it shut and use it like a regular head band. I am so glad I did not. I looooove that I can take the thing on and off without mussin' up all my dangly little tendrils. It rocks.

I ended up having enough of the handspun left over after all, so I knit myself a wristband. Now I can be all "matchy matchy."


Even after the wristband, I still had a bit of yarn left, so I tied so lengths of it onto an elastic hairtie to make this fun little ponytail holder. It makes me look like I have hair wraps or soemthing. I dig it. It's very fun. I dont have a pic of it, but if I can get one, I'll post it.

I'm have Calorimetry #2 on the needles with more leftover stash.
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Gifted



Karen the Dancing Lurker, knit me this absolutely gorgoues scarf for my birthday. I just love it, and have been wearing it often. It's very lofty and soft.



It is very hard to capture the color. It's sort of blue, sort of purple. I'm going to call it "purple-winkle." LOL



She used two really fine yarns held together throughout, but she couldn't remember what she uesed. I have a hunch one of them is Kid Silk Haze. She's made another scarf or two with the same stitch pattern, and I think she got the pattern at ArtFibers (but I'm not sure, so I'm not going to link to it). Maybe Karen will confirm that in the comments (hint-hint), or maybe not... because she usually only comments here when I talk about chocolate ;-)
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The Doppelganger Cometh

TheBon of CatharticInk has rolled into town to visit a friend of hers, and we have plans to hook up while she is here! We're going to Stitch N Bitch tonight, and over the next few days we'll be meeting up to do a little touring around for good photos to take (she likes to shoot buildings). I've heard talk of Ikea, too. We're also going to Stitches on Saturday. Oh, and if the timing works out, she'll stop by my place and give me a little spinning lesson on the new wheel.

because it is that important

This is not the post I intended for today.
I was working on a knitting post this morning. I was uploading photos and took a break to sip tea and read some other people's blogs.
That's when I ran across something else that is going to have my head cracking wide open for quite some time. So I need to share it.

* Please watch the video clip that I will link to below.
* Please watch it ALL the way through, even if the first part seems challenging for you. In the second portion of the video, the author will offer an english translation for you, and it is a message worth waiting for.
* Please watch this if you interact with (or have wondered how to react to) people with autism or other cognitive disabilities.
*Please watch this if you engage in a psychological or spiritual practice that involves any sort of immersion method for connecting with all that is happening in the world around you.
* Please watch this if you create dance, music, art.

Thank you.
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The video: In My Language

What the creator of this work offers as a description: The first part is in my "native language," and then the second part provides a translation, or at least an explanation. This is not a look-at-the-autie gawking freakshow as much as it is a statement about what gets considered thought, intelligence, personhood, language, and communication, and what does not.

Found via: The Rolling Rains Report (click through for other thoughts and links)
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It must be the dancer/performer/artist in me, but I'd rather you guys just watch this, process it, and allow it to affect you in whatever way it does...as opposed to my offering my own conclusions.

I will say that it has moved me tremendously.
I will say that it definitely will have impact in my own dancing, and in the dancing I do with people with cognitive disabilities.
And I will say that I now want to figure out who in Radiohead is autistic ;-)

the week in review

Monday Night: Puking marathon.

Tuesday: Napping on hospital guerney. Frequent pokes, prods, and x-rays.

Tuesday Night: Confusion about what day it is. Recon mission to Jamba Juice. Lord Of The Rings as lullaby.

Wednesday: All day spent discussing legal/lawsuit matters. Should have been resting, got 7 hours on the phone with attorneys instead. No food appealing, not even chocolate (read as = something definitely amiss).

Wednesday Night: Every muscle in body sore from the previous day's hurl-a-thon; Wonton soup with TheMostImprotantGuy. Wonder why settling the lawsuit doesn't feel like a huge relief. Finish the last dvd in the 5th and final season of Six Feet Under.

Thursday: Sour stomach. Would consider doing illegal things to obtain a massage, but too frumpy looking to attract customers. Watch more laundry pile up.

Thursay Night: Teach dance class. Rehearsal until midnight. No rest for the weary.

Friday: Body feels like crap. Mind unusually quiet. Breathing noticeably different. Thinking the last time I breathed this deep was 3 years ago.

Friday Night: Mom's chicken soup (the ElixerOfLife); Visiting with my 92 ("and a 1/2," says she) year-old grandmother visiting from out of state. Begin writing this blogpost from Dad's computer. Think that "the man who has everything" really needs me to get him DSL for his birthday.
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Rewind....and take a look at Wednesday night again.
I tried to slip in some big news when ya' weren't lookin'.
Now let's all join hands and sing Kumbaya (or pogo around and sing Blister In The Sun or something).

For those keeping track, I accepted a settlement offer in my lawsuit.

I'm afraid to talk about it too much because I'm afraid I'm going to jinx it. It sort of feels like knowing that you are pregnant, but only by a few weeks, and you're trying to figure out how to walk around with a dumb ass grin on your face, because you're trying to wait a little longer for things to "stick" before you go telling people.

As far as I'm concerned with this lawsuit, it aint over til the PhatLady sings, and she hasn't sung yet. So I'm announcing it, but I still haven't had a glass of champagne yet (which could partially be attributed to the fact that my tummy is still messed up and I'm afraid that the person I toast would be wearing it). This probably wont really hit me until the papers are signed (which is weeks away). Currently I am in some sort of phase of shock, denial, and/or suspicion about the whole thing.

TheMIGuy guesses it won't hit me until I see actual money. If that's the case, then just seeing the money probably wont be enough....I will probably need to go out to celebrate at a restaurant without worrying if some check is bouncing somewhere because I just used my ATM card LOL.

One big shift though. I did, at least, wake up yesterday morning not fretting about next week's court date (now moot). And it was a noticeable difference.
I felt a whole lot lighter.
I had a glimpse.
And all was quiet on the western front.
For the first time in a long time, I saw space inside my head.
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For those of you who have been hanging out being the best cheerleaders and mojo-providers ever:
THANK YOU.

Mission Accomplished.

here. have a heart.

That's about as Valentinsey as I'm going to get.
(make your own damn candy hearts here)

I've never been into Valentine's Day (well, except as a little kid in school when we'd have those decorated cardboard shoebox/mailboxes on our desks and play mailman...but those days are long gone). It's not that I'm anti-Valentine's Day.
I have a terrible weakness for candy conversation hearts.
Today is a holiday that cranks out some of my most favorite handmade crafts.
And I'd never in a million years turn down a love note from my sweetie.
Or flowers.
Or dressing up for a fancy dinner out.
But those things mean so much more to me when they show up on some random day rather than some pre-designated commercialized day in February.

Oddly enough, even though I don't personally celebrate Valentine's Day, I actually have some bizarre thing going on where I enjoy watching other people celebrate it. I'm not quite sure what that says about me, but feel free to psychoanalyze.

Anyhow. I'm very lucky that my heart belongs to a Boy that feels the same way about holidays that I do, or today would be a bit odd!

So....To TheMostImportantGuy...since my heart belongs to You...here it is:



~~~~~~~~~~~

I have some knitting to show, but it's going to need to wait for the next post.

Today I am still recovering from this:



A day in the emergency room.
And I am now going to ramble on about it.


Monday night MyFavoriteKid and I picked up some fast food. I won't say from where, but I will say it was supposed to be "Finger Lickin' Good." TheMostImportantGuy came by later that night so we could tuck in and watch the last few episodes of Six Feet Under, which we are very close to completing.

About 10pm, I started getting sharp abdominal pains, right below my ribcage. I was thinking it was some sort of gassy thing, so I popped some antacids and then had a few sips of some really fizzy soda water to make myself burp. By midnight, I was out on the sofa performing the hourly tossing-of-the-cookies. I couldn't keep a single thing down. Not even anti-vommitting medication, or even those tiny sips of water they always suggest.

Now, I've had food poisoning before, and I've had stomach flus, but what was really unusual about this was the quality, the location, and the intensity of the abdominal pain. I could not find one solitary position I could be in where it didn't hurt. Match that with the fact that I had no fever, and I didn't have the typical accomanying trots, if ya' know what I mean. I was up the entire night, except for a couple 10 minute catnaps between hurling sessions.

Around 6:30am Tuesday morning, I called the advice nurse to see if there was something I was forgetting to do, and to see if could make an appointment to come down and get an injection of this medication that stops the puking (I remembered this from the last food poisoning episode--which I got from frozen green beans, no less). Anyhow, after many questions and answers, the nurse put me on hold to review things with a doctor on duty, and they decided I needed to come to the emergency room, stat. Lovely. Why? Because it sounded like I needed an IV to replace lost fluids, and they don't do those in the clinic.

So TheMIG helped me pack MyFK off to school, and then drove me down to the ER. After a good long wait to get admitted and settled into a room, the doc comes in and wants to poke around my belly and that's when he asks about the scar. During my big 'ol traumatic event of a few years ago, they opened me up from sternum to pelvis to resuscitate me.
Heh. Don't ask me how I forget about that when I list my now very long list of previous surgeries. It's only like 18" long. I mean, it is definitely a feature LOL. It didn't even occur to me to mention it to the advice nurse over the phone earlier in the morning. But hey, since I'm in the ER throwing up, and nothing is exiting the normal channels if ya' know what I mean, they are now concerned about there being some sort of blockage caused by the previous injuries and surgeries. That didn't even occur to me, although it makes logical sense.

Well, 4 or 5 long naps, 3 IV's given, 2 x-rays taken, 1 injection for barfing (and a partidge in a pear treeeeeeee), and I'm fine. There was no obstruction. And there is no way to know what the actual cause of my illness was.
I hate that.

TheMIG stayed with me at the hospital all day, missing an entire day of work, just watching the drip of the IV and me napping, I suppose. He really didn't have to be there. I was asleep the whole time, but it was verrrry comforting to have a warm smiling face looking at me every time I cruised in and out of sleepyland (see!! Pfffft on Valentines Day...these are the days that warm my heart and show true love). At least TheMIG brought a good book. He was reading something that was making his laugh so hard that a few times he was practically crying, and he said that one time the nurse came in to check on things and he had to straighten himself up for fear he'd look like he was upset about my being in the hospital hahahaha.

After I was discharged, TheMIG brought me home and then left to catch up on his work day. MyFK's dad stepped in and came by to help the kiddo with homework. Somewhere in that timeframe, I crawled into bed and fell alseep again. When I woke up I thought it was sunrise of the next morning, but it was really just sunset of the same day. I always freak out when that happens. So there I was scrambling to get dressed, and yelling out to my child to wake up and get ready for school, and then I really freaked because my child wasn't even in the house! Once I got my wits about me, I realized that his dad had taken him out to dinner and to guitar lessons. I guess they tried to wake me up to say goodbye, I was down for the count.

Once MyFK returned home from dinner, I started getting hungry (a good sign) but didnt have anything in the house that sounded tasty. My body was craving protein, but everything I had in that category was difficult to digest. I wanted to go out and pick up a smoothie. MyFK didn't want to go out again, as he had just returned, so he offered to make me a "Steak Shake" out of found ingredients in the kitchen. Ummmmm...yah. I managed to talk him out of that, and we took a ride to the local Jamba Juice for a gi-normous protein shake. When we got home we watched a little Lord Of The Rings Trilogy and somewhere in there TreeBeard talked me to sleep.

So that brings me to today.

Conversation hearts sound utterly disgusting, as does the thought of gourmet chocolates in a shiny box with a red ribbon (which is a clear indication to me that I am still not back to normal--this girl never refuses chocolate), so it's a good thing nobody's getting either of those things for me anyhow.

My body is stiff from too many hours wretching and trying to curl up on an uncomfortable couch or a hospital bed, I have a bit of a headache, and a sour stomach. But I'm here typing a blogpost, so I must not be all that bad.

If my heart was all warm and fuzzy and lovely today for Valentine's Day, I'd never know it.

So it's a very good thing I can be warm and fuzzy and lovey every other day of the year.

a little visual

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I truly needed a pleasant distraction today, and I had fun tinkering with this.
It sort of reminded me of my ol' scrapbooking days!

Ganked from Snarkland (thank you!).

(ed to add: if you are reading this via bloglines, you must think I have a whole lot of fun with nothing. The image doesn't show up! You'll have to visit my blog directly, or better yet...just go make your own and tell me about it so I can check yours out!)

forest canopy shawl

Forest Canopy Shoulder Shawl
Yarn: from Black Bunny Fibers in "Mexican Sunflower", handpainted laceweight merino wool(100g skein, approx. 880 yds)
Needles: Crystal Palace Bamboo 26" circulars, size US#6 (4.25mm)
Pattern: by Susan Pierce Lawrence, available here
Modifications: I did 15 pattern repeats (Susan recommended 14 for laceweight yarn to accomplish the suggested shoulder shawl size). It's good as it is, but I wished I had trusted my gut and done 17.
My Finished Measurements: 50" span, 23" down the spine
Started: November 23, 2006
Finished/Blocked: January 21, 2007 / February 1, 2007
Notes:
* This pattern was everything this designer promised. Perfect first shawl pattern. Excellent for gearing up to something more complex. Had the pattern memorized after the first repeat (very easy fabric to "read"). And it was a quick knit (I know it took me a long time as the calendar goes, but if I were to add up the actual hours spent knitting, I don't believe it was very many...and if you do it in the suggested yarn, it's gotta be a snap!).

* This shawl is a gift for an April birthday, and will be given with an accompanying shawl pin (I think this one, in the one in the upper left corner)...but if I were to knit another shawl for me, I'm not sure about the small size. I think I prefer traingular shawls a bit larger (I know I like stoles to be big). But I also think that a large traingular shape may = bad with crutches and/or wheelchair. So I'm going to try this shoulder size out with the pin before I gift it.

* The yarn is what made this such a joyful knit for me. These aren't colors that I normally wear. Oranges tend to wash me out a bit (although now that I see it on me, I'm kinda liking it!). Anyhow, this is my first time knitting with rusts, browns, and oranges...although I have always wanted to have them in my hands, if you know what I mean. It was a very warm and comforting colorway to have in front of me. The yarn felt comforting running through my fingers, and it blocked easily. The finished shawl is soft, lofty, and cozy.

* Using my handy dandy food scale, I see that I used a little less than half the yarn, so I could actually make a twin! But I think I might use it to make a wimple from Arctic Lace.

* The bamboo needles themseleves were great. They had a suitable point for the yarn, the bamboo was smooth but gave just enough grab on the yarn. I do not have words to tell you how much I hated the join, though. It was miserable. Supposedly this is their "new design" with the "improved" join! (my next shawl will be on Addis or KnitPicks, I think...I'm willing to brave the slick metal needles)

* My first time with the blocking wires. I reallllllly did not enjoy the process of getting damp knitting threaded onto the wires. Too fiddly and unpleasant. But once it was on the wires?? Ooooh, man. SO easy to manipulate. Using 1/10 the amount of pins on the straight edges and no scalloping made it worth suffering through the few minutes I didn't care for.

....and I'm already missing the lace and ready to to cast-on for more :-)

that's one big boat!

Boat.
Hahahaha--just kidding mom! I know it's a SHIP (she hates it when people call a ship a boat...oh, and mom, on the tv news some reporters were calling her a boat, and I found myself gritting my teeth, so you have officially rubbed off on me).

Actually, the Captain said the Queen Mary 2 isn't even a ship.
She's an OCEAN LINER.
And she's huge. In that pic above, see that little white square in the distance just to the left of the ship?? That's a cargo van.

The bridge.

The cabins, and the embarking zone for loaded-with-dough passengers (cheapest ticket was $21k...most expensive $186k).

What a fun outing we had yesterday!
After a hearty after school snack for MyFavoriteKid, we headed on over to SF. It seemed that everyone in town was heading down to the wharf to catch a glimpse of the QM2. This is the largest ship ever to enter the San Francsico Bay, and when she came in under the Golden Gate Bridge on Sunday, she only cleared it by 12 FEET!

Getting to the piers to see her was a little crazy making. There was a second cruise ship docked in SF yesterday. Traffic along the Embarcadero was horrendous, so we pulled off on a side street and walked (well, MyFK walked...I rolled). We scoped it out on a map this morning, and we think we covered about 4 miles round trip.

It was a pretty interesting thing. Not only were tourists everywhere, but all the locals were out in full force playing tourist, too.

(Just to give perspective, this shot was taken on full zoom from across a 4 lane street that has a trollycar station and two platforms in the median)

Come dinner time though, one thing us "local tourists" know that the real visitors don't, is how to avoid the tourist traps and head for the secret hiding spots.

See, us locals know where to find The Mecca O' Crab Season down at Fisherman's Wharf.



We walked right past the schmancy restaurants serving up crab dinners for $28 a head, and made way instead for the waterfront crabshacks.



For 19 bucks we scored enough crab to feed both of us, plus clam chowder, a pile of fries, some sodas, and salt water taffy. Score.


After dinner we took the long trek back to the car, stopping by to catch one last look at Her Majesty.



Just. Gorgeous.

More official word and video about her arrival can be found here.

(ps..MyFK took that night shot, and wants/deserves credit for it. Oops, my bad...he also took that earlier side shot of the ship, too).
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I did have a RudeGimpMoment yesterday. I bit off the head of a well-to-do-er. I thought I'd outgrown that, but I can be such a bitch it's probably silly for me to buy into that belief.

Look at this pic again.



Wayyyyy down in the bottom left-ish corner of the photo, you can see a black gate, and then the heads of many people pressed up against the black gate, trying to take photos between the bars.

People were stacked up behind the fence about 5 people deep. But it wasn't like being at a heavy metal concert where you plant yourself firmly in the front row with a throng of people behind you pushing forward (been there, done that...so I know). Everybody yesterday was playing nice. People would get their turn up at the fence, they'd take a picture, they'd ooh and ahh for a moment, they'd leave, and then the next person behind them would move forward and take their turn.

Well, we did that drill during the daylight hours, and when went back to the ship at night, MyFK and I decided to do it again. We waited in the fence queue to get another photo. There was this lady standing next to me who was determined to help get me in closer. I kindly told her, "I don't mind waiting my turn, but thank you." Then she snapped at two people who didn't see me down low, and unintentionally tried to cut in front of me. She intervened before I even had a chance to handle it on my own. I (still kindly, but more firmly) informed her, "I can take care of it. I'm in no rush. I'm fine waiting. But thank you."

Then she blew it.

When there was finally only one person ahead of me and I was about to be next, she tapped the shoulder of the person in front of me who was just getting their photo op, and says to them, "This lady in the wheelchair wants to ask if she can get in to take a picture." Then she grabs the handles of my wheelchair to push me in closer.

Wait.
*I* want to ask if I can get in closer??????
I still have steam coming out of my ears.
Can't. Keep. Typing.
*long pause*


Ok. So.
I took her wrist, removed her hand from my chair (you might not think you are touching me, but you are in fact, touching a part of me, for the record), and told her, "I am capable of handling myself in a crowd, thank you very much. And I do not need an advocate. If I need help, I will ask for it."

Which in print doesn't sound all that bad.
But of course I can't convey the tone in which it was said. And I wasn't being courteous. courtesy.

But whatever.

I want to ask, "Why don't people get it??" But we've been over this before here already. I just have to remind myself that some people don't. I doubt my pissy-ness is going to be all that educational, though.
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Not wanting to end this post on a bummer note...let me say that the annoying moment mentioned above was the only poopy thing that happened all weekend (and I'm including Monday as part of the weekend...it was such a fun adventure).

This past weekend was just awesome.

Originally, I was supposed to go out of town for my birthday weekend with TheMostImportantGuy. But the more I sat with that I realized that I really didn't want to go anywhere. What I really wanted was a party. So very late in the game, like midweek....I sent out an evite to a bunch of folks inviting them to meet me at a local brew pub that served food and was kid friendly. I figured it was such a late invitation that most everyone already had plans and that maybe 8 people would show. There ended up being close to 30 people. Several of whom brought gifts, many of which were chocolate (I was even gifted a chocolate/sugar body scrub...do people know me or what?!). And my folks are so cool...they showed up wtih a birthday cake and candles (yay!). It was just a really great night, and it was fantastic to have so many great people around me.

On Sunday I had a quiet, loungy, lazy morning with TheMIG watching some of the last season of Six Feet Under. Later I went over to a friend's for a SuperBowl party where I ate ribs and tri-tip, ignored the game but watched the commercials, and knit.

Could not have possibly asked for a more well rounded and fantastic weekend :-)

Thank you all for the birthday wishes! Some of you I have replied to, some of you I am catching up on, and some of you I can't reply to at all because I dont get your email addys with the comments...but thank you very much for all the well wishes!!!

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Speaking of knit.
I had pics of the shawl taken over the weekend...but this post is already too long and has too many photos, so I'll do that tomorrow!

today i am this many

blogger (silent) poetry reading day

dedicated to TheMIG

Love Song

How shall I hold on to my soul, so that
it does not touch yours? How shall I lift
it gently up over you on to other things?
I would so very much like to tuck it away
among long lost objects in the dark,
in some quiet, unknown place, somewhere
which remains motionless when your depths resound.
And yet everything which touches us, you and me,
takes us together like a violin's bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
O sweetest of songs.


~Rainer Maria Rilke~
New Poems 1907-1908
translations: Cliff Crego & Stephen Mitchell

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ed. to add: To read more about this Poetry Day, go here. I was reminded about this via Cara's blog. Last year's poem, here.

color block

I don't know about you, but I'm sitting here trying to figure out where the hell January went. Whooosh...and there you have it. An entire month just went whizzing by.

Getting into February, however, means I get to start paying attention to the colors blue, grey, and white.

I joined Project Spectrum this year, and I am really looking forward to it. I entirely missed the boat during last year's go-round.

I'm not intending on this being a driving force in my knitting choices neccessarily, although I did find it highly entertaining to start the process by whipping out all of the associated yarn. I really just pulled out the yarn as an easy way to get all of colors in one place. I plan to leave the basket in view for awhile to reflect on.

My personal plan with Project Spectrum, is to try to notice the colors within my surroundings, and see what, if anything, gets stirred up in me just by my observing. Rather than knitting in the suggested colors, I'm thinking lots of photos and maybe some writing, perhaps.

Of course I say I won't be knitting projects in the colors, but I am. Go figure. Little ol' Ms.F ickle, I am. Late last night in the witching hour, I cast-on for Teva Durham's Turtleneck Shrug (found in Scarf Style). The yarn is Rowan Kid Classic in a deep Midnight Blue, so dark it almost looks black (it's that one in the 2 o'clock spot in the basket photo above). I've been wanting to make this for awhile, and whaddya know...it's great timing with it also being one of the Project Spectrum colors.
~~~~~~~~~~~

I did not however (*ahem* Kathy!) cast-on, or pass go, or collect my $200 without promising myself to do this first thing in the morning:



A few more photos here.

I'll do a final FO report once it dries and I can get some good daylight for a proper photoshoot. Can't do that right now because the sky is grey. So instead I'll go ponder the overcast for awhile.

blogger doesnt usually make me laugh

Blogger bites. Not that this is news for many of you.

I was forced to upgrade to the "New Blogger" several weeks back, and that was right around the same time that I was asking TheMostImportantGuy for some help in adding Haloscan for comments (so I could see yer alls email addresses and have an easier time replying). Haloscan wasn't equipped for the "New Blogger" a few weeks ago, though. It was only ready for the "Old Blogger" and the "Beta Blogger". Or something. Whatever. We just couldn't make it work right then.

Well, a few weeks went by, and I asked TheMostImportantGuy if he would look into it again. And so he did. Haloscan was ready for the "New Blogger," so TheMIG added it, and within a single press of a button, two things happened that totally flipped me out:

1) ALL comments made to previous posts disappeared. I thought I was adding Haloscan "from this day forward," but noooooo...all of the sudden I had this blog that looks like it has never received an ounce of feedback (I know that's not true, but when I'm having a temper tantrum about it and have emotionally regressed to age 5, that's what it feels like). I didn't know that all the comments were going bye-bye. I think I quit breating for a few seconds, and then it made me cry. The Haloscan was promtly removed, the comments were restored, and I'm back again to my not getting your email addresses delivered along with your comments. I am also now back to feeling my own age again about it, and I'm thinking maybe I'll be more prepared to add Haloscan after having a comment funeral or something.

2) As part of Haloscan being added, the "New Blogger" of mine needed one last upgrade. Within that "upgrade", my entire sidebar content got fucked with. I'm only sort of just getting it back together by fiddling around with the template stuff and basically guessing at what I'm clicking on and hoping it works and doesn't eat my whole blog by mistake. Hopefully I can bring it back to life soon.


But here's the funny part (and this made me laugh so hard, which is good, 'cuz I'm pretty tweaked out with stress right now). As part of my cleaning up the sidebar stuff this morning, I was thinking I should maybe glance over the "About Me" section, and consider updating my profile.

That's when I noticed that next to my "AGE" it says: 250
Bwahahahaha!!!

I'm not sure how that got there.

But I'm thinking I'm leaving it.

january

Snap A Dozen Days

kitchen window view, wheelchair height

January

January is about the "mini-hibernation". It seems that all throughout November and December, I am just dying to tuck myself into a warm cozy spot, but that I am denied. Too many holiday obligations, and the warm-cozy thing just does not happen. So do my best to find it in January. This year's January finds me not only making the time for lounging, but it also has me better understanding the importance and joy of it.

January is about the "little breather". I have always felt the wind rushing out of the sails in January, but I was most aware of it during the years I was catering professionally. There was constant insanity from October's end until New Year's Day, with an exhausted heroic push right there at the finish line. January's arrival meant I could finally regroup and reorganize the chaos. It also frequently meant that I could finally get sick, as I'd been somehow magically holding it all together and fending off a cold those last couple of weeks. I am no longer catering, but once January hit this year, I almost instinctively started doing a fair amount of regrouping and reorganizing on the home front. It must just be the season.

January is about noticing the return of the sun and the lengthening days. In January it almost feels like a daily change to me (well, scientifically it is...I'm just very aware of it right after the winter's solstice, moreso than other times of the year). I'm sure that contributiing to this is the fact that half of the days in January here have cloud cover. It reminds me of when you dont see a little baby for a few weeks and then the next time you do, they look like an entirely different kid.

January is about wishing I'd gotten on top of planning something for my birthday. I love birthday celebrations. And not just my own. My birthday is the first week of February. I usually think about this fact in December, but things are too hectic for me to do more than think about it right then, so I tell myself I'll get right on it once the holidays are over. January is the month I realize that I should have started planning earlier. In my early 20's, whipping up an event on short notice was never a problem. That is not the case anymore. Aside from my own schedule being too busy and too complicated, the circle of friends I have often need several week's advance notice for just about anything. The last decade or so of birthdays have sort of felt like when you get all excited to shoot off a firecracker and you light it and it sparkles a bit and you hold your breath and...and it fizzzes and goes out.

January is about choreography. We have a tradition in the Sabah Ensemble, established by my teacher, the late Jamie Miller. If we want to, we can perform for our birthdays. Often people will choreograph a solo and perform it at the end of the dance class nearest their birthday. For the same reason as above, January comes, and I'm often wishing I had started something sooner. This year I really wanted to do something. I had plenty of time, had music chosen, and a pretty strong creative vision for the choreography. But the burn situation knocked out several weeks of crucial rehearsal time. I'm still working on something, and my plan is to present it a couple weeks late....and I'll just sort of warp time and still call it a birthday dance. Or something. LOL

January is about cool crisp air, warm scarves, extra blankets, longer days, soup, deep breaths, and creativity brewing in the cave.

well, that wasn't so bad

Dudes, I finished 20 of the 23 things on my to do list yesterday.
I'm not even sure how.
(sorry, Kath...but blocking the shawl was 1 of the 3 left on the list, as was cleaning the cat box and washing that last pan that is too big to fit into my split sink)

I was hardly overwhelmed at all in getting all of the stuff done. The overwhelm came later when I was sitting down for dinner and had time to think about it all. TheMostImportantGuy was on his way out of town on business, but stopped by on his way with Vietnames take-out. Somehow sitting down to eat caused some slowdown of brainwaves represented by a couple pouty-faces. But after the TheMIG left, MyFavoriteKid and I squished under a blanket to watch Lord of the Rings. For the kajillionth time. Love it. No more pouty-face. Works like a charm.

Other than that dinner moment, things were good. Close to 3 years of gimpin' here, and I've finally figured out how to mop a floor from a wheelchair without making muddy donut tracks all over the place I just cleaned. Woohoo! Also yesterday I bought a few organizational tools for moving into Phase A.3 of purging the abundance of paper that insulates my house. Even bought a couple nice wooden magazine boxes to house my knitting mags on that newly rearranged shelf.


Some of the stresses for me right now are all about negotiations. Sure, there is the ongoing legal one...but I'm also in a negotiation zone with the director of Dandelion Dancetheater. We want to see if we can resolve some differences about the use of video, and all that buttons that arguing about it pushed for both of us. If we can get on track, I'd like to be able to perform with them again. But we're still in negotiations.

There is a whole lot of negotiation right now going on within the bellydance troupe about how best to create this next performance piece on a limited timeframe. My brain is in director-mode (as it should be) and I'm working too hard trying to keep everyone happy (as it probably shouldn't be).

I'm just kinda getting warped from too much thinking, feeling, talking, listening, processing, negotiating, thinking, feeling, talking, listening, processing....you get the idea. Sometimes these sort of things just go round and round the spin cycle for what feels like foreverrrrr.

That's what I need.
I need an iPod. LOL
Just one day to tune it all out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another post coming later today for 007 Snap A Dozen Days.

I first read about this sometime the first weekend in January. Since then, I've been jotting down little notes here and there about what January means to m.. I'm going to compile them into one post with a photo. Then my plan is to do that once a month for the rest of the year.

Neato, eh?
A little bloggy scrapbooky sort of thing.

things i learned this weekend

I learned that dishes don't wash themselves and that eating cereal with a fork is difficult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I leaned that handknit shawls wont block themselves.

I read a good amount of knitting blogs, folks. It would seem that most lace knitters complete the handiwork and then sprint to the finish line by immediately blocking their shawl so they can bask in the glory. My poor shawl has been sitting here for a week. I'm probably not the only one out there to have done this, but I do believe I am possibly setting a knitterly record here.

It would seem that I have a major case of CantFinishIt-itis (hey lookie there--the word "shit" is in the middle of that!). I'm doing this with my other knitting projects, too. I have a little neckwarmer that is 4 rows away from being done, and I just can't seem to get it off the needles and around my neck.

As much I hate having a bunch of UFO's laying around (UnFinshedObjects, for the non-knitterly folks), I think what I really need to do (aside from blocking the shawl for crying out loud), it to cast-on something new. Something with some rich, bright colors, maybe.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I learned that when you have only known somebody for 3-1/2 weeks, and they slink by in the middle of the night and leave herbal remedies for stress for you in your mailbox...that friend is a keeper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I learned that maybe half my problem with feeling the "lawsuit undercurrent" is this:

That is a shelf of the entertainment center in the livingroom, and that is the shelf that is at eye level, and that is the shelf that my vision meets every single time I emerge from the bedrooms or the little girls room (that really smells like a little boys room, because well....a little boy lives here). That pile on the shelf is all stuff mailed to me by my attorney.

I've somehow let it become some sort of altar, but not one I enjoy reflecting upon. Maybe some day I can do complex origami with all of it. Heh. That would be one fun craft project :-)

Anyhow, two shelves below this shrine dedicated to my legal woes, is a lidded picnic basket sort of thing, housing and hiding all of my knitting books.

This weekend I swapped out and put the legal crapola in the closed basket, and the the knitting books on the shelf.



I know.
Duh.

I'm a little slow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This weekend I learned that missing the meeting of the local spinning guild again really sucks, especially because I now have a spinning wheel and don't know how to use it. But I've also come to realize that if I'm already rather "delicate" (LOL) and what I want to feel is comfort, then I'm really not up for feeling fumbly, then I shouldn't push myself.



Besides, if MyFavoriteKid is away at his dad's for the weekend and TheMostImportantGuy is over, laying in bed all day with big plates of brunch and watching survival shows on the Science channel is (to me) a whole lot more fun than pushing myself to get out of my pajamas and meet people.

Maybe next month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO. All in all, this weekend was fairly restorative.
Yay.

But carrying that feeling over into this week might prove to be a challenge.

By 7:33am this morning, I hadn't even had a cup of tea yet, and I already had a To-Do list with 23 items on it. All for TODAY.



Hey! One of them was blogging!

1 down, 22 to go.

malfunction

Here's a little peek inside the head of a person who has a (albeit situational and temporary) mental disturbance.
Full of too many symbols and analogies.
~~~~~~~~~~


Seeee...something's just not quite right here.

It's some sort of anxiety thing. I am in fight or flight mode. I have that heart pounding, head popping, rush of adrenaline, normally reserved for defending the fort or running for the hills.

Except that there is nothing in my immediate sphere of existence to kill or outrun.

*sigh*
Sadly, this is not a new feeling to me. Since the accident, I've had this tweaky little phenomenon happening periodically at the unlikliest of moments. I deal with it just fine. I'm into the immersion method when it comes to dealing with my emotions...all of them... whether they are what you might call "good", "bad", otherwise. I'm actually entertained and charmed to no end playing with being as present as possible with my emotional states. I liken it to being a human tuning fork. But when it comes to humming along with the fight or flight thing, things are not so good. A little off key and little too much buzzing and vibrating, I think.

It can also be a little bit like immersing myself in an anxiety bath. Waiting for it to pass has proven to be a really bad thing if I let it go on for too long. More than a few days, and my floating begins to becoming a sinking...right into a deep pool of depression.

So when I get anxious, plan is....
keep moving.

See, I can usually take the hyper, "arm the battle stations!" feeling and do something useful with it. Like wash a few dishes or knit a few rows. Anxiety for me also sometimes feels like I have a cannon that is loaded and ready to fire, even though there is nothing to shoot at. What I try to do is make a conversion to having it pointed at something. Like a pile of laundry. Harness that energy, dammit!


But that's not what is happening this go round. The new twist for me this past week is that my freaky state is accompanied by a "deer in the headlights" sort of feeling. And I get to where I can't do ANYTHING. Completely Frozen. Motionless. On the outside. With a tiny little internal tornado of panic spinning around on the inside. THAT is a new feeling for me. And it feels icky. And I don't like it.

Seriously. It's like that immersion pool has a deep, silent, riptide floating underneath my otherwise lovely little floaty boat of panic in the sunshine. It's like it ripples to the surface and spins the boat around a few times and paddling is just no use. Just gotta kinda hang out. Which I'm not very good at. And then when the current lets go, I'm disoriented, and I have to figure out which way the damn boat is pointed because now I can't tell which direction I'm facing.


Good news, I guess, is that I've finally figured out what the force is that is flowing down there.
It's The Undercurrent O'Lawsuit.
Situational.
And temporary.

So long as you count a several year long event to be a situation that is temporary, I guess.



I'm blogging about this because one of the things that really helped me this week was TheMIG relating that he had felt that deer-headlights-tornado-thing when he bought his first house.

Hearing that helped me feel like less of a nutcase. It was good not be alone. It was also good to be reminded that I actually have felt this way before too...when I bought my first house. I just forgot about that feeling. Kinda like how women forget the pain of childbirth in 2 seconds flat. Okay, maybe 2 minutes flat.

But I survived buying the house. And I'll survive this.

No one is attacking the fort.

Even though there is something about feeling this strange that feels completely isolating, in some panic driven sort of way.

So if there is anyone else out there with a spinning boat...hi.
You aren't alone.

is this all there is?

Apparently I exist to fold laundry and to wash dishes and to change sheets and to vacuum and to cook and to clean and to help with homework, because that's pretty much all I did yeterday....rather than what I wanted to do which was to block the shawl, try to make friends with my new spinning wheel, and then blog about all of it.


It's a little disappointing that I can pass on what I really want to be doing in favor of what I should be doing, and still feel like that what should have been complete, is never finished.

I get it that housework here is never ending and is only about playing catch up, but sheeesh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MyFavoriteKid started walking himself home from school last week, rather than having me pick up. It took me a couple of days to figure out that I wasn't the only one sitting expectantly and waiting for him at 2:45pm.

Roxy Sits on The Wall, Peers Over The Fence, Waiting for MyFK to Come Home

Not a whole lot of blogging going on over here now lately, is there.
I'd like to fix that. I'm not quite sure how, though. I'm kinda busy knitting, and purging, and enjoying the sunshine!

Updates on the rest of my life at the back end...but first, here's something I finished last week:

BoySocks for TheMIG
Yarn: Trekking XXL, Color #69 (olives)
Needles: US#1's, Susan Bates...the shiny pale green metal ones
Pattern: no pattern, just plain old socks
Started: sometime in the early fall (?)
Finished: Jan 16, 2007 (it took me forever to do these)
Notes: It's official. This is the 3rd pair of socks now where I've picked up 2 sts at each gusset (ala Charlene Schurch), and it is definitley my favorite sock trick. Another thing came out of this sock project...these:



...inspired by THESE at Saartje Knits. Do read her blog for a better explanation and better photos. Mine was taken in the dark.

This pair of socks took me so long to knit, that they kept getting moved from from bag to bag, or shoved in pockets or whatever. Somewhere along the line, I lost the little slip of paper where I'd jotted down my notes about how many stitches I'd cast on, how I turned the heel, how many rows I had done on the first sock, etc etc. It wasn't rocket science to figure it out, but I found it totally annoying. Hence the little tag system. I love them. And I already had a box of them in my desk drawer.



I have to tell you...when I went to add the link for Charlene's Schurch's book...I saw THIS:



I. Shall. Own. This. Book.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hmmmm. What else is up.
Well, what isn't.
Damn if I can find the time to blog about it though!

Here's a general run down of things, some deserving of longer explanations that maybe will come some day soon....others are barely worth mentioning, but I find the record entertaining.

* I got the refurbished spinning wheel this weekend!!
(that one definitely needs it's own entry!!)

* My heating bill for last month was $300.

* My beloved boyfriend, TheMostImportantGuy, took time out of his weekend to put in new weather stripping.

* I'm now officially doing the D-word. Dieting. I'd call it eating healthier and exercising more, which I am doing both of those things for sure...but it's Dieting. The goal IS weight loss. Hauling 35 extra lbs around on cruthces is really bad for the back.

* I've lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks.

* The guy I visit at the convalescent hospital asked me what I was doing to shed pounds, so I told him that my first thing was to switch to smaller plates and a smaller fork---he was laughing so hard he had end our visit.

*I'm on a mission to purge clutter, especially paper. As Donna said, "I like paper. I must. There are piles of it everywhere." Mouse has agreed to be both cheerleader and supercop. I report to her every day how much paper I have tossed. If I throw some out, she says, "Yay!" And if I don't...well, she threatens me with the "Red Heart Scarf of Shame" that I will have to knit 6 feet long. Good incentive.

* I've been having serious insomnia issues for days now. Not falling asleep, but staying asleep...particularly waking up at like 4am and not being able to go back to sleep.

* I haven't failed yet on my "Knit From Your Stash" commitment. I said it was okay to go through with my registration for Socks That Rock, and I did...because holiday and early birthday gifted monies covered it anyhow. And I said I'd buy yarn from independent dyers, and I did buy a skein of sock yarn (pics soon). But of those purchases were not in violation. Although I am not sure why, as it really does seem like it is the sock yarn that is taking over the stash, now that I really look at it. But here we are, 21 days into the new year, and I already cruised a yarn store for something specific...something thicker than sock yarn...and the only reason I didn't get in there and buy something is because the yarn store was closed. Me thinks I'm not going to make it. Me thinks I'm screwed.

* The Sabah Ensemble (the group I teach and peform with) is on the roster to perform at this year's Rakkasah. We'll be on the Cabaret Stage at 2:40pm. Yes, Karen...this is my official declaration that I am performing and not just directing.

* Tomorrow is blocking day for my first handknit shawl.