things around my house thursday, 5 of 52

I'm going to need to take a break this week from giving the tour of the AllTheLittleBoxesAltar in the bedroom. I just don't have it in me today to write about personal items that are so...personal. I'll be back at it next week. I'm fine, kids. Nothing is wrong. I just don't have the energy tonight to do that much thinking!

I'm drained. Lots goes on when it is a performance week.

For today's tour around my house, I'll simply show you some love.

Things Around My House Thursday

soapstone hearts

There is nothing special or sacred about them. I just like them. I looking at them, and I like to fiddle around with them, like a worry stone or something. They are very smooth and comforting. At the moment, they live on the bottom shelf of the glass topped coffee table in the livingroom.
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In other news....

So here I am, not only eating 100% raw/vegan food, but in its present configuration, from an even more more restrictive menu as well (remember, I am doing this "cleanse program" thing--I also have to be taking the herbs in capsule form plus drinking these funky tasting herbal shakes 5 times a day, too--ugh).

So there I was last night, pondering what to make for dinner for MyFavoriteKid and TheMostImportantGuy, who was coming over for a visit. I just didn't have it in me to spend time in the kitchen preparing something for them and then not be able to eat it. I decided to order pizza.

Dudes.
I ate the pizza.

This actually may have been okay if what I had done was to enjoy a slice along with a nice big green salad. But is that what I did??

NOoooooooooooo. I ate NO salad. I just ate THREE slices of pizza.

MyFK took the cheese, I took the veggie...that's what we left for TheMIG

There is nothing inherently wrong with a few slices of pizza. I mean hey, at least it was vegetarian, and it came from a local mom & pop pizzeria. But probably not the best choice of foods to eat in the middle of a cleanse.

Ohhhh, it was so good, though.

It was warm and gooey, and emotionally satisfying. Hey, at least I took enjoyment in every single bite of it.

Unfortunately, the pizza didn't mix with all the herbal stuff to well.
I didn't feel so good after I ate it. Instantly. Burping, indigestion, a rumbly tummy.



You want to know the interesting thing? I didn't even GET IT until this morning (at 3:30am this morning, I might add, when I woke up with an even bigger tummy ache) that the real reason I wanted that pizza was not because I wanted something warm or didn't feel like preparing something for myself.

It was because I was feeling so uncomfortable with myself.

It was totally emotional eating. And this 3-slicer binge came AFTER I had written yesterday's post, at which point I KNEW I was feeling overly emotional.

How I did not put that together in the moment of warm gooey cheesiness is beyond me.
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A reminder...New to this blog for 2008:
My comments to your comments can now be found in the comments.

ymmd

Since yesterday I have had that "alone in a room full of people" feeling.

Yesterday we had the tech rehearsal for GO! and it left me feeling completely off my center. The movement and logistical bits all worked out fine, but I felt like I was totally disconnected from the other dancers. I couldn't feel them. Well, that's not true. I could feel the other dancers, but I could not feel them feeling me.

It was like I could feel the energy of each person individually, but there was no energetic thread connecting us. Everyone felt so inwardly focused, we seemed completely separated from each other (but not by space).

If that makes any sense.

Anyhow, I prefer to feel connection when I work, and in the case of this particular piece, it's kinda of important to be able to feel where each other are because we are doing a dance where you can't really see each other all that well.

Then I came home from rehearsal and got all meepy about the fact that nobody commented on yesterday's post. Which is not my way of asking that anyone go and comment now LOL.

I'm just saying...I got all out there emotionally on the blog yesterday, and it was like a vacuum. It just deepened that "I'm alone in a room full of people" feeling.
That feeling makes me squirmy.
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Kathy perked me up a bit today, however. She gave me a "You Make My Day Award." (thanks Kath! Perfect timing, too LOL). I am honored, and thank you for such a warm description of my blog :-)




The Instructions: "give the award to 10 people whose blogs bring you happiness and inspiration and make you feel happy about blogland. Let them know by posting a comment on their blog so they can pass it on. Beware you may get the award several times."


It was really tough to pick and choose, but I think I accomplished the goal of making a list of blogs that I can consistently count on to make my day. By "making my day" I'm not saying that I will necessarily get a smile or a laugh out of reading, because that's not what "brings me happiness and inspiration" means to me. This is truly a list of blogs that make me think or feel or act, or make me want to create something.

Here we go, (in alphabetical order):

Bloody Crafts
Ok, so this blog does always make me smile. The cheeriest visual crafty images ever.

Dances With Wool
Lene writes beautifully, her knitting is gorgeous, and she has a way of describing her very long days and nights (she lives way up north) in a way that makes me feel like I understand what it would be like to live that way.

Echoes of A Dream
If I were allowed to wave a magic wand and be someone else for a day or two, I'd want to be Simmy Bains.

Go Knit In Your Hat
My favorite well balanced blog. Gorgeous hand dyed yarn, some of the best and most useful knitting book reviews anywhere, wit and interesting tidbits, plus a little peak into her family life.

jodi's weblog
The second blog I ever read (although it was my first knitting blog). I was hooked right off the bat when I saw that she had knit a dress out of speaker wire and then hooked it up to play the sound of her knitting needles. Jodi is a well known knitwear designer, a fantastically creative artist, and just an interesting person.

Moving Right Along
Sara, I know I don't comment much, but I do read. You just say it all so well, I either don't have anything intelligent to add, or I need to go off and sit in a cave for a few days and think about it. (I "met" Sara on a board for female amputees where she had many interesting and helpful posts, and then I followed her on over to her blog).

Napkin Please
John. Well, I just love John. I need to find a way to get myself adopted into the family or something. John is an amazing artist using hand and machine knitting as his medium. Plus he's kinda silly sometimes :-) Oh, and I think we should find a way to work with him and save a wool mill.

Out of Character
Ok, this one makes me laugh, too. In fact, I have make sure I go potty before reading. Oh, and no drinking while reading, either. Erin is also the creatrix of the zombies.

Ramblings of the Bearded One
Great writer, fun read, always interesting. I especially appreciate his emotive honesty when describing his personal experiences.

Wishes & Heroes
This blog of handmade items (photos only, as I can't read the text) inspires me beyond belief. She makes these little dolls called "bolsos" that are all the same shape, but each one has a completely unique fabric, texture, decoration, etc. I am amazed by the creativity she finds in repetition.


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Thanks again Kathy!

headlong

You'd think there is one thing that coming very close to death would do for a person.

You'd think it would leave them wanting to live every moment to the fullest.

Yes, I did walk away from a life changing incident, gaining a deeper understanding of how precious life is. For me, like many others, my big life changing event caused me to make a grand reevaluation of my life. But recently I have become to recognize that just having a deeper understanding and a reevaluation does not result in propelling me into action.

Yes, I do view things from a different perspective, but on a day to day basis, I still frequently put much of my life on hold.

At present, what IS beginning to activate me is when I take notice of other people dealing with their big life changing events.

Here is a partial list of people that have run through my awareness pretty much every single day for last several months:

First, the people no longer here:

* My dance teacher and mentor died when she was 57. Cancer. Once she was diagnosed, she passed in a matter of months.

* Another dancer friend died when she was 52. Car accident, she died at the speed of light.

* My ex-father in law. Went from a cancer diagnosis to passing in 5 months. Age 61.


Having an even greater impact on me though, at the moment, are the people still living, that are grappling with a huge shift in their quality of life:

* My dad. A massive stroke just a few years ago, causing him to say to me the other day, "This sure isn't what I thought my retirement would look like."

* James, my buddy that I have been matched up with to visit weekly at the convalescent hospital (through an organization LoveIsTheAnswer). He's 63. Just as he and is his wife were setting to retire, first he had a heart attack, then she died (I can't recall how), and today he is struggling with complications from diabetes so severe that he has now had to permanently commit himself and his disability payments to a convalescent center. He has no family that is willing to care for him (or even visit him). If he did have help, he'd have been able stay at home. It's even worse for him right now, as he has been transferred to a real hospital because he has pneumonia, and as a result of being treated there for so long, he might lose his room at the convalescent facility. It is the only home he has left, and it might be pulled out from underneath him. It sickens me.

* All the rest of the folks at the convalescent hospital that I make shorter visits with, when I stop by to visit James. All of them. And there are lots of them. And most of them are very alone. There but for the grace of God go I.

* J, TheMostImportantGuy's guitar player from a recent band project. She and I are the same age. She has been in the hospital for over four months. She has diabetes and as a result, now other complications. Her whole system is shutting down. They can't seem to figure out how to fix her. Details here. She's a newlywed too, by the way.



I could keep going on and on and on....but I certainly don't need to, and I am sure you get the gist. Even just the above list, incomplete as it is, has had a tremendous impact on me.

I mean, sure....I woke up one day after a car accident with a changed body, and my life was turned topsy-turvy for a bit. Yes, that experience has affected me. It has made me see life as one very precious thing. But even knowing what I know first hand about the fragility of life, I can't say that it propels me to DO anything about my life, actively. I SEE but I don't always DO.

But that list of people up there? Who got cut short? Or the people whose lives do continue, but with a quality of life they would never have dreamed of for themselves?

I just can't take sitting around thinking about it anymore.

A few weeks ago, just thinking and only thinking sunk me way down low.

I have this way of being sort of a psychic sponge when I am confronted with other people's experiences. It doesn't take much for me to feel other people's pain and sadness. I sometimes empathize to the point of personal embodiment, which I am working hard at changing (I'd like to find another way of connecting and being compassionate without soaking it up).

But here is where I am at. Right now. There are things that I want out of life (things I have the means to materialize) that I have been telling myself that I should put off for another time.

What other time??!!
Will there BE another time????
Even if there IS another time, will I even be physically be able to DO it at that time?
Or take ENJOYMENT it??

I am now ready, more than ever, to throw myself headlong at life with a seize the day mentality. And it didn't take looking inward to see that I need to do make some changes.

It took facing outward.


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Let this post serve as justification for my upcoming mighty big birthday present to myself.
(not that I need justification..I guess I should call it an explanation)
It will be arriving soon ;-)
Sorry for still being mysterious, but I don't want to jinx anything until it is actually here!

oh yeah! the hat!

I forgot to post about the hat I finished!


Monster Hat (Alan Thicke & Thin)

Yarn: Monster Hat Knit Kit, from Insubordinknit (kit name: Alan Thick & Thin)

Needles: 10-1/2 dpn's, Crystal Palace

Pattern: none, just wingin' it (although the kit did come with patterns). See, I just cast-on 60 stitches, did about 1-1/2 inches of seed stitch, then switched to stockinette, and knit a tube.



I did a little seed stitch at the other end, too. While knitting, I pulled out some of the black and set it aside, so both the cast on edge and the bound off edge would have black (I have symmetry issues LOL). I used two strands of the remaining black and one strand of more colorful yarn to make a long braid (it's about 48" long).

Then I tied the braid around the hat, to make a little "pom-pom" sort of thing at the top



Then I sewed the patch on (included as part of the kit).

Started: January 21st, 2008
Finished: January 26th, 2008
On Ravelry: here


I like :-)


The whole point of knitting it in a tube (besides the fact that I thought this yarn/hat would look best with some sort of doodad at the top of my head), was so that I could take off the tie and have it double as a neckwarmer.


Double duty. I just slide it down, and just tie the braid around my neck and let the ends of the tie dangle. Cute!
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Now I'm working on finishing up the 2nd Helix Glove and the purple scarf. It feels good to be knitting a little bit more than I have in recent months.

and i'm supposed to help my 5th grader with his homework??

I first saw this high school quiz over at Inky's...then I ran into it again, along with the second quiz, over at NoBlogRachel's.

You paid attention during 63% of high school!

51-67% You are smart enough to be ashamed of still scoring so low; remember that there are books in the world, full of information? Yes, books are our friends.

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz

89%DRUNKARD

Lordy.

snaps on saturday

What I did today:

I had the first of several lessons with TheMostImportantGuy learning how to run this soundboard, so I can be of more help at shows.





I took MyFavoriteKid to the dentist who needed to pull four baby teeth that the adult teeth were not going to push out properly. He's whiny, but he's okay. Ice cream stupor.




I finished knitting the hat I've been working on tonight. Tomorrow when the light is better, I'll take shot of me wearing it.



And I did some shopping. Big shopping. For myself. Why don't we just call it an early birthday present to myself. It has been ordered and is being delivered this week, so at this point...no snapshot.
But soon :-)

i need an end to the writer's strike

I came up with a joke yesterday while out at the market with my dad. I am certain I will be the only one laughing, but hey... I laugh at myself all the time anyhow.

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How many gimps does it take to carry out your groceries??

Three.

One physically disabled person who likes to push the cart, another one who likes to load the car, and one socially retarded person to ask 4 times over if, "y'all are reallllly sure that you don't need any help?"

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I know.
I'll never do standup.

things around my house thursday, 4 of 52

Wow, this weekly thing feels like it makes time speed up!

Things Around My House Thursday

The "Kiss Me, I'm a Hero" box.
Hahahaha. Just kidding.
The items are actually unrelated. They just share a common space on the altar :-)

Ahhh, the kissing thing. Well, it's a postcard I bought somewhere or another. I've never really looked at the back until now. The image is called, "Wild side of life". It's by Frank Schott / Tushita.

There is something about the image that embodies the type of passion that I want in my romantic relationship with TheMostImportantGuy. I like to feel this way about him as often as possible :-)

The picture also makes me think about the quantity (not the end result quality, obviously) of passion that I would like to have in other important areas in my life. The kind of passion that makes you want to crawl across the table for something if you have to, to get what it is you want out of life. The reach out and grab it, sort of feeling. The feeling of wanting something enough to be motivated to go and get it. Going for it without too much thinking, but doing it with a little more gusto or wild abandon.

And by crawling across the table, by the way, I mean figuratively crawling across the table. I haven't mastered a good one-legged crawl yet. I look pretty silly. LOL



As for the little trophy, you can see a close-up of it here, where you can also find a link to the artist, Brooke Fletcher.

Just after the 1st anniversary of the accident, I put together a fundraising concert (it benefitted myself....special, eh? LOL). See, I had been granted a scholarship to attend a week long workshop with Axis Dance Company, but it was held in Seattle, and I couldn't afford the hotel and airfare. The concert raised the needed funds so I could pay for travel.

The concert was called, "Amplitude: a benefit for (TheAmpuT) as she dances in different directions.

Amplitude was defined (for the purposes of the program) as:
1) the quality or state of being ample; fullness
2) the extent or range of a quality, property, process, or phenomenon

Many people attended and donated in financial support, and my closest dancing tribe supported me by performing at the concert. The show opened with a duet with me and TheMostImportantGuy. He performed live percussion and looped different sounds together live onstage, and I danced to them. One of my co-teachers, KarenTheDancingLurker (who occasionally delurks here LOL), performed a solo. My good friend Lieven did some firedancing. My other co-teacher, Michelle, did a duet with Sharon, a longtime troupe member. And Sharon also performed a solo. The concert ended with a solo I had choreographed for myself called, "Door Number 3."

Anyhow, back to the trophy (wow, do I digress, or what??!)...
it was given to me after the show, and I just love it. I mean, I appreciated all of the other accident related gifts I received that first year, but most of them had the tone of comfort or sympathy tied to them, if that makes any sense. This gift was extremely empowering to me.

another one of those "i'm a slacker" posts

The Flowers On My Dining Room Table

One of these days I need to personally thank Trader Joe for the $4.99 "market bouquet".

it's cold and rainy, and i do not even remotely feel like eating raw foods. ugh.

There's my dinner up there (clockwise, from the top): a marinated kale salad, sunflower sprouts, a patty made out of brazil nuts and sundried tomatoes, flax seed crackers, live kraut, and some avocado.

Granted all of these are delicious tasting (to me, at least...I didn't go to culinary school for nothing), but if you wafted a plate under my nose and on it was a baked potato or some stew, I'd chase you down like I was late for the bus.

It is damp and freezing cold (no really...there was snow just 30 minutes away from here last night). I WANT HOT FOOD.


Now, I normally do not eat 100% Raw Foods diet. My goal, as of last fall, has been to just add more raw/living foods to my diet. Not to take anything away from my diet, but just to add. That plan has me typically eating anywhere from 50-100 percent Raw on any given day. Since last fall, I'd say most days I average about 85%. Most the time I like it, and I feel good. Salads are happy things.


But my plan to add without subtracting shifted a week ago.

Last Monday I started on one of those 4-week, Let'sHoseOutYerInsides programs. In addition to taking all sort of funky herbs and drinking several nasty concoctions five times each day, I have also been instructed to eat 100% raw. Oh, and not just 100% raw, but raw with restrictions. Never in my wildest dreams could I have guessed that a eating raw could get any more restrictive than it already is. Who woulda knew.

Each week more things are taken away. As of today (day 2 of week 2), the list reads like this:

Eliminate:
* all flesh foods
* dairy
*caffeine (including chocolate) <----DUDES, NO CHOCOLATE
* alcohol
* white sugar, white flower
* all grains and cooked foods

Decrease: (read as also soon to be eliminated)
* nuts
* sweet fruits

Actually, I think by the end of next week I'm slurping everything through a straw. Yummm.


My only comfort is to knit. I almost have a new hat.

aint it funny how they make it look like the detox will be a day at the beach?

In fact, this was my avatar for several days last week.



Beware the chick slurping the green drinks and holding pointy sticks.

flyer for upcoming show

I will be performing in a work in progress entitled "Spinal Fluid" with Dandelion Dancetheater. It is a trio with two other female dancers.The piece will run three times, in different configurations.

First, we dance outside in front of the theater, as people enter. We then travel into the lobby, where the piece runs again (sort of like an art installation that you pass by and ponder). Then we make a procession through the theater and onto the stage where it runs as the opening of the show.

Things may shift though....Eric, the director, is the MasterOfLastMinuteChanges, so one never can tell what he's got up his sleeve until showtime. This used to drive me batshit, as I felt like I couldn't ground into the work. Having worked with him for a couple of years now, I think I understand his creative process a little bit more. Lots of goodness comes out of change. I have learned to center myself when things shift, and I feel I have grown quite a bit personally by learning how to be so adaptive. It's overflowed into other parts of my life.


If you come, feel free to say hello. You can wish me happy birthday, too. Or you can stay home and watch football LOL.


A press release about the entire show can be found here.

i am so not into posting, i can't even find a decent quiz to put here

59% Average@Internet-User.com (41% - 60%) You seem to have a healthy balance in your life when it comes to the internet and life away from the computer. You know enough to do what you want online without looking like an idiot (most of the time). You even have your own Yahoo club or online journal! But you enjoy seeing your friends and going out to enjoy life away from your computer. The Quiz at Quiz Meme!

snaps on saturday

two birds on my fence

Just squeechin' in under the wire here with today's post.

MyFavoriteKid and I shot up to Sacramento to see The Blue Man Group, and we just got home. I'm exhausted.

I've seen Blue Man Group once before (TheMostImportantGuy and I saw them in Vegas a couple of years ago for my birthday), but this was MyFK's first time. He loved it. And I suck ass for not remembering my camera. Duh.

The opening act was something I completely enjoyed. Mike Relm. He's a dj/spinner/scratcher (sorry, I'm not all up on the terminology)...except that besides using just vinyl, he spun to and scratched video. I really enjoyed his set.

He's on tour all over the place, as you can see from his MySpace page. Here's a little clip, too:



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Now I lay me down to sleep.....

things around my house thursday, 3 of 52

I saw my mom this morning, and with a raised eyebrow she said to me, "SOooooo, are you ooooookaaaaayyyy???" (hint: she reads my blog)

For the record, I am not currently experiencing anxiety. At the moment I am feeling really damn good.

I wrote about anxiety yesterday solely because of the ABC-along. I really want this project to be something with some depth for me, and besides, every time I tried to come up with a different topic than anxiety, I kept feeling like I was avoiding something important.

I mean, I almost did "A" is for "Apples"....because quite frankly, it IS for apples over here (every day I am running a few pounds of Granny Smith's through the juicer)...but now that wouldn't have been too exciting ;-)
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Things Around My House Thursday

Okay, so now that I've explained about the wall of little boxes, let's take a peek into one, shall we?


This is a statue of Quan Yin. She is often referred to as the Goddess of Compassion.

Around her neck is a beaded bracelet that is now too stretched out for me to wear. Next to it, is another red bracelet. This one is seeds strung onto memory wire.

In my mid-twenties I did some rethinking about my relationship with my monthly cycle. I had always though of it as one big fat drag. As something somewhat icky. As no fun at all (crampy). And from somewhere I had been gifted the concept that it was "the curse".

I spent a good couple of years reframing all of that. I did a lot of reading about other and older cultures and how they celebrated the changes in women's bodies. I also did some research about the interesting links between patriarchy and feminine products. I made some art, and did a few rituals for myself to honor a new way of looking at myself. Each month when I'd start my period I would buy myself flowers, I'd celebrate by eating red foods, and I always wore red clothes. My best of friends always new my wearing red meant, and it was the biggest inside joke ever, I think. At least you never had to ask LOL.

Interestingly enough, as I changed my relationship with menstruation, my cramps went away (pms to this day however, has not--ugh!). As time went on, I didn't feel the need to work with my cycle so symbolically as I had before, and so instead of red clothes, I would just put on a red bracelet. I wore that one around Quan Yin's neck until it go so stretched out I couldn't wear it anymore. I went for a few years without. The memory wire bracelet with the beads came as a much later replacement, but I never really got consistent with wearing it. The original bracelet though, has always remained in some visible place of significance ever since it was retired.

This part of my altar reminds me to be compassionate with myself during my time of the month.

"a" is for....

...anxiety.

the last resort

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read all about it

In my early 20's, I worked at a very stressful job. One day out of the blue, I was at work, and I thought I was having a heart attack. I went into the urgent care clinic. I was told it was anxiety, and they sent me on my merry way with a little pamphlet about it. I didn't have a recurrence, in part, I believe, because I quit that job a few weeks later.

After a little thinking, and not much research (pamphlet reading), I formed a pretty strong opinion about people who suffer from anxiety. I decided that people with anxiety just need to get over themselves. Go to therapy. Go do some yoga. Go meditate. Take a chill pill. Do something, and it will go away. Sit there and do nothing, and it won't. Therefore, if you have anxiety for any extended period of time, you are a slacker. I pretty much decided that I will have compassion for you in the early stages of your stress and anxiety, but by god, don't ramble on and on to me about your anxiety 2 years later....because, hellooooo...you should be over it by now. I can tell you that I even ended a friendship with someone who had anxiety, because...well...I just don't like to surround myself with people who can't process their shit.

I held this belief system from my early 20's up until a few years ago (I did a lot of stupid things in my 20's, and I spent most of my 30's being a little cocky).

Well, here I am today.
40 and anxious.

After the car accident, well okay -- after coming down off the oodles of pain meds -- I started having flashbacks about the moments right after impact (when I was stuck in the car for 2 hours). Post traumatic stress, and anxiety.
Whee! Yay me! I have labels.

Of course, I tried therapy and yoga and meditation and chill pills and a few other things. And you know what?? I have anxiety managed. I have it managed quite well, actually.

But 4 years later?? Hellooooo....it is only managed. I still have it.

My anxiety crops up at the oddest of times. It happens less frequently, but there still is no rhyme or reason to what triggers it. I swear, it is in my body in some way, like some sort of version of muscle memory, but on a more cellular level. I can usually feel coming on, when it is in it's very early stages, and if I catch it, I know what I need to do for myself to nip it in the bud so it doesn't escalate. I also know what to do if it does escalate. And I also know how long I am alright just allowing myself to sit with anxiety, as I sometimes do in attempt to not avoid my feelings. But I have learned the hard way, that if I sit for too long (after about 5 days), my anxiety will spiral into something that looks more like depression.

For a long time, the medical community wanted to treat my depression, but not my anxiety. I have always refused. In fact, here's a funny story: when I was in the hospital recovering from the accident, one day they tried adding anti-anxiety meds to my little tray of other pills, without consulting me. When I asked why, the doctor told me that it was presumed I would become depressed (being an amputee is so awfully depressing, apparently) and they were just trying to head it off at the pass. WTF???!!!!!!! I refused to take it.

Anyhow, point is....if I ever sink into a brief little pit, which I do from time to time, for ME, that means I need to deal with my anxiety. For ME, my depression is a SYMPTOM of my anxiety. Or maybe it's just a bad hair day.

The most difficult part of dealing with my anxiety has been undoing all of my judgments about it, and also about the people who have it. It has been most difficult, because I am now one of them. I had to undo judgments of MYSELF. I hated myself for a good long while, and I even went a few rounds of beating myself up for not being able to "get over it", and it only made me more anxious.
As I sit here today, I can report that I am accepting of the fact that anxiety lives in me, and I have tools so I can live with it.

This is not the only thing in my life that I have judged people about that has eventually come my way. It's an interesting karmic thing, I think. It seems like if I've ever looked down on a person for some reason, chances are, I will become afflicted with that very thing.

Sometimes I think this is my path in this life.
To walk a mile in someone else's shoes.
Maybe because I only have one shoe I have to do it for longer.

is this some new art installation, or i have been cruising past it for 23 years?

I suspect that most people know "Berkeley, California" because of its historical relationship with hippies, protests, free love, and tie dye.

But did you know that Berkeley is also harmonically correct?



Or maybe the downtown area is in now in tune with the universe or something.
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I post photos not for lack of something to say.
I post photos because I cannot organize my words around the many things I DO have to say.

Blogging 365 is a trip.

this is your cat....

...this your your cat after accidentally being locked outside overnight:








for those few not catching the reference, click here

more on resolutions

I found this on the last page of the January '08 issue of the freebie paper Common Ground.

Resolutions

Forget diets,
forget grandiose pilgrimages,
forget tantric sex and
the bliss navel of the Universe.
See how long you can go
without being offended.

~ Aaron Silverberg, poet (offthemap.net)



Good thing that wasn't a resolution of mine. I wouldn't have made it very far. What I mean to say is, I DIDN'T make it very far.

And that is certainly a point to ponder.

snaps on saturday

On December 27th, 2007, before bellydance class, I was invited to take part in a little New Year's ritual. The teacher of the class before ours had set up an altar, and included handmade cards that were made with old photos of children or babies. Each card had a unique image. We were to write down our intentions for the New Year, and the photos on the cards were to symbolize newness or birthing in some way. This was the image I chose:




And these are my Intentions for 2008

2 of 52, revisted (is this another theme?)

Thanks to Donna for commenting that she also finds herself in the "I have the display boxes, but I cant decide how to hang them" mode. Because of you, I now have something to post about today (you go, girl).

I was in that same mode for weeks myself. The boxes I had purchased were just stacked there, still in their cardboard wrapped corners. It was that sort of eyesore that reminds me what a slacker I am (sort of like the paperbags full of unopened mail I tend to collect...but that's another story).

What kept me from just slapping the boxes up on the wall is that during the move to the new house, I discovered that my pretty big fear of decorating was more than just pretty big. Historically, I'd always kept my house with white walls and looking fairly drab, and I blamed my fear on time or money. Unfortunately, with the move, those were no longer viable excuses (I still limits on time and money, sure....but to a lesser enough degree that they could no longer be used as the outright culprit excuse anymore).

I've posted before about my angst wjile selecting wall colors and wood floors. The whole experience was worthy of anti-anxiety meds, to be honest with you. I was just getting tweaked out about it, even though mentally I had the notion that most things can be un-done, moved, taken out, painted over, etc. I just couldn't wrap my emotions around that knowledge. Since then, I have now made several of those fearful decisions. I am not fearless, but I am feeling more confident in myself and the decorating process.

Sorry. Back to the wall o'boxes.

It was KarenTheDancingLurker that gave me the idea of how to break through my NotHangingTheBoxes phase.I couldn't begin the task of mounting the boxes because I couldn't visualize it well enough, and I didn't want to make holes all over the wall trying to figure it out. Karen suggested that I cut out paper shapes the size of the objects I wanted to mount, and tape them onto the wall. Then I could rearrange them until I got it just where I wanted them and use it as a template.

Well, duh. (thanks, Karen!)

Once I did that and moved templates around for a few days, things went great! When TheMostImportantGuy came to put the boxes up for me, we laid the actual boxes out on the floor, and I took another photo, which he used that as a guide.



We made some tweaks to the original plan to accommodate more sound wall anchoring, and as the thing went up box by box, I'd come take a peek and move something here or there. I think the biggest change to the original design was to make one box be not connected to the other boxes, sort of off floating by itself (it's down in the bottom right corner, as seen in yesterday's post). I like that box. It's my favorite :-)

The lesson learned I guess, is that once I had gotten the general idea of the look I had wanted by taping the papers to the wall, shifting things on the fly during the mounting was much easier. I had already figured out the essence of what I wanted.
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Oh, one more note. Look what I did yesterday:

new crutch tips ~ yay

I got new hand grips while I was at it. From the looks of things, I could probably stand new crutches, too! They're a little banged up, I guess. But I love them. They are workhorses, and are the most solid feeling crutch I have ever used (and I've tried a few).

Maybe I'll just given them a paint job ;-)

things around my house thursday, 2 of 52

Things Around My House Thursday

When I was doing the massive PreMovePurge and learning to let go of clutter, I was struck by how many small decorative objects I posess that I adore and cannot let go of. You know the kind. The sentimental stuff. Or the spiritual stuff. These are items gifted to me by other people, things acquired from people that have passed away, or things that had been collected during a period of time when I was having some sort of life transition.

I had a bunch of these objects placed all together on a bookshelf in my bedroom. I would consider this spot to have been an "altar". The rest of these important items of mine were scattered all about the house in little clusters, usually in groups of three (and I have no idea why three). They were strategically placed with the intention that I would gaze upon these items from time to time, and I would...I dunno....have a reflective moment, I guess?

Well, there were a lot of these items. And they were everywhere.
EVERY. WHERE.
And not all of them were in places that would get a regular dusting, if you know what I mean. So gazing and reflecting upon them wasn't actually doing anything for me other than making me feel like sloth for not breaking out a featherduster every once in awhile.

I vowed that when I moved into the new house that I would find another "way of being" with these objects.

The Way of Being, as it turned out, was to never really find another way, but just to never unpack the boxes I had used to move them. This worked great for eliminating clutter and dust bunnies, but a couple of months after being moved in, I really began to feel like I was a visitor in my own home. The house just didn't have that settled in feeling without having these items around. It didn't feel like mine.

I decided that I wanted to find a way keep the items on display, but in only one place. I didn't want the items to be strewn about the house again, but I wanted it to look more like a collection of meaningful things. One "grand altar", as it were. Instead of twenty-seven mini ones.

I spent quite a bit of time trying to find a solution that would fit the decor of my new home, wouldn't break the bank, would be easy to clean, and wouldn't be some sort of piece of furniture that I would bang into regularly (since we all know what I klutz I can be).

One day I was chatting online with TheBon, and I was explaining to her what I wanted to do, and suggested this nifty idea to me:



Little wooden boxes that mounted on the wall, and I got for a decent price at Target. This is on a wall in my bedroom.

I should mention that once I bought the little wooden boxes, they then sat around for quite a few weeks until I could decide what kind of configuration I wanted to mount them in (linear? abstract?). And then they sat around again until I could talk someone into helping me mount them (that would have been TheMIG who just took my design desire and ran with it...yay!).


Goodness, once the boxes were hanging though...hooray! I love it. LOVE. IT. I think it went in just before Thanksgiving maybe, and it really has had an impact on my happiness around here. It doesn't hold all of my little things, but the items in waiting are nicely packed in a pretty box. From time to time I rotate the display around, mixing it up and taking special things out and putting other things back. Adding things, taking things away, as it suits me.

During the course of this year when I do "Things Around My House Thursday" I will take you inside each of the little shadow boxes and give you a closer peek.
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Sorry to keep repeating this, but since it's a relatively new thing for this blog, I will be making this public service announcement a few more times:

My comments to your comments are now found in the comments.

I am no longer replying individually by email, as blogger doesn't give me your email addresses. It was driving me bonkers.

down for the count. again.

On the way to dance rehearsal this morning, I took another fall. A crutch slid out from underneath me again. This time the surface was painted concrete that was damp from rain, and I landed on my arse instead of my knee, which has much (much) more padding.


To be certain:
I am not at all happy :-(


In attempt to clear my mind and go to my happy place, I'll end this sorry excuse for a post by showing what I knit yesterday:

Helix Glove #1 in progress, more details here if need be

first discussion of the day

MyFavoriteKid: Hey! We missed my half-birthday!!

Me: Oh. Sorry. Happy Belated.

MyFK: That's it?!! Aren't we going to celebrate it?!!

Me: Dude. People don't usually celebrate half-birthdays. They might acknowledge it, or mark it in some way, but there typically isn't a party and presents and stuff.

MyFK: But shouldn't we celebrate it half us much??

(silence)
(it's times like these when I miss a cup of morning coffee)

Me: Nice try, kid.

MyFK: Thanks. I thought so.

too tired to title

I'm dead dog tired. MyFavoriteKid had me up all night long needing comfort for nightmares, hotter hot water bottles, glasses of water....and if it wasn't any of those, he was yelling out, "What time is it?!?!?!!!!" He eventually crawled into my bed around 3am so he could to do this whole routine at close range.

I love him to death, but it took everything in me not to bitch-slap him when he woke up and said, "You know, I didn't fall asleep until late, and I woke up early...and I still feel great!!!"

Yay for you, kid. Why don't you do all of the cooking and cleaning today, eh?


Being that I am wiped, the best I can offer you today is a link.
Hey, at least it's a good one.

The Story Of Stuff, with Annie Leonard

This came to my by way of the wonderful Mouse. I was reading DiaryOfAGoldfish this morning, and it reminded me that I had wanted to post this.

I love this and I think it should be shown in every middle school across the U.S.
It also makes me want to try to find a way to buy groceries off Etsy.

this is one of those days of blogging i would have skipped

This is one of those posts that you shouldn't even bother reading. It's long, and it's venting, and it should be in some pen and ink journal somewhere...if I still had one of those going...which I don't...which means it ends up on my blog.

If I wasn't doing the whole 365 blogposting thing, you'd have been spared entirely.

This weekend has been a little manic. Too many ups and downs.

Downer #1 ~ I was sicker than shit on Friday. I woke up with a screaming headache and nausea, and tossed my cookies in the afternoon (after Mouse talked me into drinking apple cider vinegar, which she said would either settle my stomach or make me vomit--mission accomplished).

Now, this is the 3rd time I have had this happen recently. Headache, nausea, a good hurl, more headache...and then poof...it's all gone the next day.

The first time it happened was a day or two after I pumped the house full of burnt plastic. That only made sense. Two lungs full of fumes might make anyone go looking for a bucket.

The second time this happened was a couple of weeks ago. It was 2 days after coming home from Disneyland, and it was directly related to coming off of the coffee I had pumped into myself in order to make it through 5 days of Christmas music following me everywhere we roamed.

Now, I can tell you for certain that coffee and I do not get along. I'm fine with other forms of caffeine, it would seem, but not coffee. And I looooooooove coffee. Love it Love it Love it (tellin' you how I really feel, eh Rabbitch?). If I drink exactly one cup of coffee every morning, me and coffee coexist just fine. If I drink more than one cup?? I get anxious and jumpy. And if I miss more than a day?? I get headaches. But a daily dose of one cup?? Works just fine.

Sadly however, I hate being a slave to...well, anything. Ok, just about anything. So show coffee who is boss, I go in spurts with it. Sometimes it's daily, then sometimes I will for long periods of time with (*sniff sniff*)...none.

Tea? No problem. The occasional caffeinated soda? No problem either. It's only coffee.

Anyhow...I hadn't had ANY caffeine whatsoever since the PostDisneyPuke...not in any form. No coffee, no soda, no tea. Until this past Thursday. I went out for lunch, and I a diet coke plus the refill the waitress offered. Here comes puke-a-thon number three, this past Friday, when I wake up with a headache and a hurl.

Was it the caffeine this third time? I have no idea. It that is the case, it is very very sad, though. It's bad enough longing for coffee. I don't know if I can live without tea. I love herbal tea, but we're talking about never getting to use that oolong pot again, dudes. I think I will die if I am becoming this sensitive to caffeine. Death by drowning oneself in a vat of darjeeling or something. *sigh*



Anyhow, so there I was all upchuck-ish Friday night, and then comes Upper #1 ~ TheMostImportantGuy came and brought me wonton soup to soothe my tummy, and cuddled up with me and got all lovey, and I was just feeling very wonderfully taken care of.

On Saturday, I was feeling much better. We realized we could make the best of another rainy day by creating our own double feature. Hence Upper #2. We made a very quick dash into Berkeley (more independent theaters there) and by way of two different theaters, we first saw The Orphanage, and then There Will Be Blood, both of which I enjoyed, even more than I suspected I would.

But then comes....Downer #2 ~
Well, after the movie, we were making our way to a nearby pub for pizza and drinky-poos, and I slipped and fell.

I haven't fallen in a really long time. Now granted I was cruising one legged, on crutches with tips that are long overdue for a change, the ground was slick with rain, and the pavement....well, it wasn't even really pavement. It was a stretch of sidewalk that was sort of, well, it was black and slick and uneven. It kind of looked like tar, and it looked temporary. Whatever it was, it sucked fucking ass, and my left crutch went skidding out from underneath me and I went down pretty hard. And there I am in my cute little polka dot miniskirt and uber-colorful rainboot, and I'm flailing about in a puddle. I landed pretty hard on my left hand, my left knee, and my left hip.

The thing that really hurt though, was my sense of...I don't know how to describe it...security, maybe? I mean, it really shook me up. I was quite uneasy for awhile after. Very shaky and unsettled. I am sure that physically I was still in a bit of shock. Mentally though, I found myself questioning my recent decision to get my fat ass out of the wheelchair more often and use the crutches a bit more, as a way of keeping strong in different parts of my body. It also made me really think about what taking a dump like that will be like 20 years from now (ie age 60), assuming I make it that far, which happens to be my plan.


I woke up this morning, for Downer #3. I could barely move. The top of my foot hurt, my knee hurt, my whole low back area had screeching pain across my sacrum, and the erector muscles running up and down the back alongside the spine were screaming pretty loudly, too. Most of that has settled down (thanks to a horse-pill sized motrin), but at the moment, my right shoulder is killing me.


The rest of today? Up and down some more.

Downer #4 ~ I got an email in the morning from NoBlogRachel inviting me to a knit-in that was going to happen today in Berkeley. I was very excited. I haven't been to a knitting group in ages, and I haven't really been as social active as I much as I am used to, either. Also interesting to me me was the idea that to go to the knit-in, you had to cast on for something new there. As you saw yesterday, I have two things worthy of casting on. Like now. So it was going to be a grand day out for me.

I should have been able to go. MyFavoriteKid was at his dad's this weekend and I had nowhere else I needed to be. Provided I could stand the physical pain of sitting up, of course, and the horse-pill had kinda taken care of that part.

But NOooooooooo. MyFK's dad totally ruined it for me. Totally. The ins and outs are not worthy of describing here, but in my opinion, I got shafted, and although I was happy to have MyFK home earlier in the day (as it's his last day of vacation), I felt totally frickin' ripped off for not getting to go hang out with a bunch o' knitterly types.

Me thinks it time to find a knitting group up here in my new 'hood.

One more for the the manic upswing side, though. Upper #3 ~ TheMIG, how I love him so.....He helped me early in the morning with the annual "phoning in for a dance slot" drill for the Rakkasah bellydance festival, which requires hours and hours and hours of hitting redial (we got a slot! more on that soon). Then he doled out some more loveydovey goodness, and then he helped me do my grocery shopping (to keep me from doing all that toting and lifting, potentially hurting myself even more). Oooo, and he helped me by rearranging the garage a bit so I could get the packed up boxes of holiday decorations properly stored. My hero.


Then I was just about to end the evening on an Upper....but them came Downer #5. MyFavoriteKid, the poor dear....he couldn't sleep come bedtime. His stomach was upset, he was scared and shaking, totally freaked out....why?? Because on his way home today, his genius dad took him to a matinee showing of I Am Legend. Now MyFK is totally freaked out because in real life he's lost people to cancer and he's now worried that if there is ever a cure for it there will also be zombies and people blowing themselves up. Lovely. So here I sit at 11:40pm trying to squeech in a damn blogpost done before midnight. And why is the blogpost not done sooner?? Because thanks to MyFK's asswipe father...who did the irresponsible un-equivalent of jacking the kid up on sugar and dropping him off at the doorstep....has caused me to spend the last 2-1/2 hours refilling hot water bottles, rubbing my kid's back, soothing his worried mind, and listening to relaxation cd's with him.


So grand total for the weekend: 3 uppers, 5 downers. Hmmm. Maybe that isn't manic after all. Doesn't there need to be an equal number of mood swings for it to be manic? All I can say, is thank god for TheMIG. I think I'd have been in the officially depressed zone without him.


Anyhow. That's me.
Long winded, which yes...does seem to happen from time to time.
Or is that: time and time again.
Or maybe: again and again and again.

snaps on saturday

Weekly theme number two (again, in an attempt to survive 365 days of blogging)...

Saturdays will be for Snapshots

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Lots of fiber arrived in the mail this week, and I am casting on this weekend:

Artfiber's "Phyz"
soon to become handmade item 1 of 3 for the PayItForward a-long

some absolutely gorgeous plant dyed roving from simmy
along with some Lamb's Pride Worsted in Onyx from Article Pract
soon to become MyFavoriteKid's FeltedFlamingFuzzyFeet

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as a reminder....new for 2008:
my comments to your comments will now be found in the comments

1 of 52, revisited

At least two people thought that yesterday's tiny hands, next to the (also tiny) teapots, were meant to hold teabags.

This is a good lesson for me. My plan was to show certain items in my home, explain their importance, and when relevant, to show the item's placement in the home....but I guess I am also going to need the occasional perspective shot!

too tiny for teabaggin'

Call me twisted, but thanks to you guys, I am now on a mission to find a little teabag dish that has a pair of sultry, long lashed, closed eyelids painted at the bottom.

teehee
or tea-he
or something

things around my house thursday, 1 of 52

Welcome to one of my very own "How To Survive 365 Days Of Blogging" weekly blog posting themes!

Things Around My House Thursday

teapots and tiny hands on the kitchen windowsill

I love tea. I wouldn't say I'm a tea snob. I'll drink a good ol' cup o' Lipton every once in awhile. But I do have a warm fuzzy spot in me for loose teas and for very fine teas. It comes from my days working at Peet's Coffee and Tea. Every once in awhile I'll splurge on a hand rolled green tea or some exotic ball of tea leaves that flowers open when you brew it.

The last couple of months I have been using primarily white ceramic pots and either brewing herbal teas, or the occasional black tea with a fruity blend concoction added to it. I've also been just throwing a tea bag into a mug ;-)

About the pots:

The one on the right is a Japanese cast iron pot. I've had it for 9 years or so. I tend to reach for this when I am brewing a jasmine tea. It has a really generous basket inside to give the leaves room while brewing.

The pot on the left is a Yixing clay teapot from China, and it is used only to brew Oolong teas. The clay absorbs flavor, so the idea is not to muddle things up with another type of tea. I think I read somewhere that after decades of daily brewing, you could just pour hot water into the pot and tea would come out. I've had this pot for about 4 years.

About the tiny hands:

This is a new acquisition. I have been dragging around a gift certificate to this store for almost 2 years now. They sell religious and spiritual items, but for just about every possible religion and type of spirituality. Seriously. All in one place. It's kinda cool.
OH, and it's two doors down from a yarn store.

So sometime near the end of November maybe, I visited both stores (of course, and yes...I bought yarn, too...shut up), and the tiny hands are what I picked up with my gift certificate. I just love how detailed they are. I see them every day when I am at the sink, and they remind me to wash my hands and use soap. Hahahahahaha. Just kidding.

What they really remind me to do, is to be giving.
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Why am I Going To Show You My Stuff Each Week

Well, for starters, Thursday are just plain busy. On Thursday mornings, my dad and I go out and run all of our errands together. We save gas that way, we get to help each other out (mostly he helps me), we sometimes grab lunch together, and we have one really great time. It's one of my favorite days of the week, and it sure beats doing the shopping alone.

Later in the day, I find that Thursday afternoons are a bit of a crunch. MyFavoriteKid has to do his homework immediately after school, then be driven to his dad's for a weekly visit, at which point I head out to go teach dance class. Sometimes I don't get home until almost midnight.

I typically have very little time to post on Thursdays, and if I am going to have any hope of doing 365 days of posting, I need to not be fishing for a topic. I believe there will be two other weekly repeating series on the blog this year. I'm still mulling it over, but I think one will be about food.

There is another reason for doing a series about the things in my house.

A long time ago, a friend of mine passed away. Her house was sort of one huge "altar". The whole house was filled with collections of items that were grouped together and it was clear that they held spiritual significance to her. After she died, lots of us got to take a few things home. I have often wondered about a couple of the things I have of hers.

I don't have nearly as many items in my home as my friend had, but I have really been thinking that I'd like to record what they mean to me. In addition to showing the sentimental items I keep around, I also want to give a tour of artwork around here, too.


That way when I bite the bullet y'all don't have to wonder.