Monday, March 03, 2008

it almost came and went, unnoticed

I did think about it at some point last week.

I did not think about it even once over the weekend.

Sunday afternoon I was feeling really odd. It came on out of nowhere. Hyper-insecure, super-emotional, feeling loved but lonely, and wanting to feel more cherished and adored.

I spent most of today feeling "dissatisfied". Like nothing was wrong...but that nothing was right, either.

I kept myself busy all day on purpose, to avoid the dissatisfied feeling, but found myself having what I call that "heart squozen feeling" (not a word, I know...but it perfectly describes how it feels...more than saying "it feels like my heart is being squeezed").

I made my blog entry for the day, I hopped into bed with my knitting, and I popped on the nightly news.

And that is when I saw the date on the screen.

Today is March 3rd.
It's the anniversary of the accident.

Things have shifted in my life in the last four years, to be sure. Maybe some day this will just be an ordinary day. It actually almost was an ordinary day. It almost went unnoticed. But I wonder if there will always be an undercurrent somewhere in my brain, or in my some sort of muscle-memory alarm clock that will go off annually.

I think I should at least keep the date in mind so that I maybe have a clue as to why I might be breaking out in tears for no reason in the middle of the day.

Look at that. Two posts in one day.
I suppose I can't skip tomorrow....


Helen said...

I'm sure our bodies remember anniversaries even when our minds don't; I know mine does. My mother was unconscious in intensive care for three and half weeks before she died, and for years that time was difficult for me even when I hadn't noticed the date. It lessens, and in the case of remembering deaths it becomes easier as it becomes a time to celebrate that person, but I don't expect you'll feel like that.

I relieve it a bit by buying flowers 'for' the person who died - even my brother who probably never looked at a flower in his life :) - is there anything you could do which might have a similar effect? Sometimes by marking the feelings you can resolve them a bit. You've dealt with your loss so well, it's not surprising if it sometimes creeps up on you and just lets you know it's there.

Gray said...

I hope that the rest of your anniversary was less fraught with anomie. Why shouldn't your body remember?

I hope that this year and the next ones trend better and better.


Kim Ayres said...

It's a real sign of moving forward.

I remember having a conversation with someone once about graves - they were saying there was nothing sadder than a grave that was no longer tended to. I disagreed completely. A grave is there to help the grief of those left behind. When they no longer need to tend to it, they have moved on, and that is a great thing.

Obsessing over anniversaries is a similar thing. While you still need to grieve, the date is important. Once you have moved on, it no longer is, and that's a good thing

Anonymous said...


When you share such honest, raw things so bravely in the blogosphere, I don't always know what to say. I worry about not saying the "right" thing, or whatever, so I sometimes just don't post anything.

But I really want you know that what you wrote really resonates. I'm thinking of you and applaud you for being real, in the moment, moving forward, and continuing to live, laugh, learn and grow. You're amazing, thanks for sharing your amazingness with the rest of us.