Thursday, May 15, 2014

the trouble with horses

The trouble with horses is that it's sometimes a challenge to get back on them once you fall off.

I am sorry for disappearing so completely from the blog-o-sphere, my friends. I think some of you are a bit annoyed with me that I didn't make some sort of announcement before taking a hiatus, but believe me when I tell you, it was totally unplanned.

It started with encountering some mechanical issues (which is probably not the correct term. I'm sure "computer-dork user errors" is far more accurate).  I couldn't get posts created easily enough while going back and forth between houses.  This could not have happened at a worse time, because things in my life were beginning to move and shift quite dramatically. Not only did I need to "tell you"...but I need to do some deep thinking and writing and editing in order to tell you.  I got so frustrated with the mechanical issues on the blog, that I resorted to doing all of my emotional processing internally, or out loud with friends in real life (who I am certain are sick to death of hearing about everything). By the time I had either internalized and/or vented, I was either too stuck or too deflated to set pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, as it were.

After a few weeks of not blogging and trying to work through things, I was ready to come back and start writing. I figured MayDay seemed like an appropriate time to "BeginAgain", right along with the coming of DeepSpring....and then April 30th another unexpected and huge dramatic shift happened...and honestly, I haven't been myself.

I'm not even quite sure who I am anymore.

So here I am. About to figure out who I am once again (because we all have to figure out who we are, at least a few times each lifetime...right?)....and I'm going to figure this out right here on this old blog o' mine.

I'm not entirely sure if I will be returning to posting daily, or if I will try posting every few days, or well....who knows what yet....because I am in the process of reinventing myself.   But here are some topics I will be trying to tackle over the next few weeks (or months, depending on how this writing thing goes) in no particular order:

* the death of both grandmothers within an 8 month span
* my leaving teaching dance class
* my last performance with the dance ensemble
* what is next on my artistic horizon, if anything
* the death of my dear friend James (my guy at the convalescent hospital)
* the resulting shift in volunteer commitments
* watching myself begin to move through my son's last year at home before college
* reaching a few landmark-y sort of milestones around being disabled
* reaching a few dreaded personal milestones, and a few (not at all dreaded) relationship milestones
* beginning the process of moving between houses
* let's not forget I am becoming a "woman of a certain age"...
* what it's been like to blog daily then not at all
* what all of the above has to do with how I identify myself, and why it should or shouldn't matter 

As you can see (or I  guess I should say: As I can see) what is happening over here is that I am having something sort of like a mid-life crisis.  Except that I don't view it as a crisis. And I think this sort of thing can happen at any point in anyone's life, so it seems silly to mark it as mid-life just because I'm in my late 40's.   Crisis is far too strong a word. I'm just not good enough with words to find something else to call it (except for a "shift", but I've used that word twice already...see above).  So, I'm not sure what to call it.  But it's something I'm moving through, and it's something that has left me feeling a bit... a bit....well, I don't know what  yet. But I am definitely f-f-f-feeeeeeeling....and it's time to push that through and get a move on.

And that's what I intend to do next.
And I'll keep a record of that right here.

Much love.....