Thursday, May 15, 2014

the trouble with horses

The trouble with horses is that it's sometimes a challenge to get back on them once you fall off.

I am sorry for disappearing so completely from the blog-o-sphere, my friends. I think some of you are a bit annoyed with me that I didn't make some sort of announcement before taking a hiatus, but believe me when I tell you, it was totally unplanned.

It started with encountering some mechanical issues (which is probably not the correct term. I'm sure "computer-dork user errors" is far more accurate).  I couldn't get posts created easily enough while going back and forth between houses.  This could not have happened at a worse time, because things in my life were beginning to move and shift quite dramatically. Not only did I need to "tell you"...but I need to do some deep thinking and writing and editing in order to tell you.  I got so frustrated with the mechanical issues on the blog, that I resorted to doing all of my emotional processing internally, or out loud with friends in real life (who I am certain are sick to death of hearing about everything). By the time I had either internalized and/or vented, I was either too stuck or too deflated to set pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, as it were.

After a few weeks of not blogging and trying to work through things, I was ready to come back and start writing. I figured MayDay seemed like an appropriate time to "BeginAgain", right along with the coming of DeepSpring....and then April 30th another unexpected and huge dramatic shift happened...and honestly, I haven't been myself.

I'm not even quite sure who I am anymore.

So here I am. About to figure out who I am once again (because we all have to figure out who we are, at least a few times each lifetime...right?)....and I'm going to figure this out right here on this old blog o' mine.

I'm not entirely sure if I will be returning to posting daily, or if I will try posting every few days, or well....who knows what yet....because I am in the process of reinventing myself.   But here are some topics I will be trying to tackle over the next few weeks (or months, depending on how this writing thing goes) in no particular order:

* the death of both grandmothers within an 8 month span
* my leaving teaching dance class
* my last performance with the dance ensemble
* what is next on my artistic horizon, if anything
* the death of my dear friend James (my guy at the convalescent hospital)
* the resulting shift in volunteer commitments
* watching myself begin to move through my son's last year at home before college
* reaching a few landmark-y sort of milestones around being disabled
* reaching a few dreaded personal milestones, and a few (not at all dreaded) relationship milestones
* beginning the process of moving between houses
* let's not forget I am becoming a "woman of a certain age"...
* what it's been like to blog daily then not at all
* what all of the above has to do with how I identify myself, and why it should or shouldn't matter 

As you can see (or I  guess I should say: As I can see) what is happening over here is that I am having something sort of like a mid-life crisis.  Except that I don't view it as a crisis. And I think this sort of thing can happen at any point in anyone's life, so it seems silly to mark it as mid-life just because I'm in my late 40's.   Crisis is far too strong a word. I'm just not good enough with words to find something else to call it (except for a "shift", but I've used that word twice already...see above).  So, I'm not sure what to call it.  But it's something I'm moving through, and it's something that has left me feeling a bit... a bit....well, I don't know what  yet. But I am definitely f-f-f-feeeeeeeling....and it's time to push that through and get a move on.

And that's what I intend to do next.
And I'll keep a record of that right here.

Much love.....


(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...


bibliogrrl said...

<3 <3 <3

Glad to see you back. In whatever form that might take. :)

Unknown said...

Sending lots of hugs your way! Hope things are getting better.

~Donna~ said...

Big hug my friend. You have pretty much just described what I've been going through. "Certain age" issues on top of everything else. As if one or the other wasn't enough...

Do what you need to do to get through all that's going on, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel with all my similar stuff and it looks like things will be pretty good when I finally get out.

Hang in there, we're all here for you. :)

carol said...

Hey there,
Steph and I were just wondering how you're doing! So sorry about life happening and the worse of the parts always comes at once. Remember that we do think about you and remember that age is just a number. It just changes every year! You are still the beautiful person that you are and will continue to grow better with "age".... Take care dear one!
Love, Carol and Stephanie

Jen said...

Oh wow, so much transition and grief! I'm sorry for the grief, but I hope the transitions are good ones. And I've missed you. :)

=Tamar said...

Hang in there. According to the stress scale of life events, moving is the most stressful single life event. And you have all the rest on top of that! Be kind to yourself, and blog as you will.

stephanie said...

That's a lot of death to deal with, chica! Carol is right - we are both sending lots of love your way. And the age thing... it really does get easier. Hang in there, we are here for you. We should get together and knit!!!

peter maynez said...


I’ve been following you for years, Found your blog while searching for reference sometime in 2007 and have been coming to visit intermittently since then. So much has happened in your life and mine, that despite some minor differences (especially geographically), its incredible how similar we are (we all are) at the core. I feel that every person has been through almost everything you’ve written about. Its just that you have the ability to put words to ideas, experiences and emotions we’ve all been through, all while being a lifetime away from you. Sometimes I wish I was as smart as you throughout my day.

I believe everyone needs to reinvent themselves in order to keep moving forward. Some of us might need to do that multiple times a day, Others might get to do this once or twice in a lifetime. What’s important is recognizing that change is necessary, and acting upon that is crucial.

You are the greatest non-fiction novel I have ever (will ever) read and have been fortunate to follow in real time for years. You’re honest stories have always been a source of self-reflection. Please don’t go away. If you do, let us know where to find you. My door is always open for any creative input, a fresh eye on a project or whatever you might need.