riley the guest blogger on neutering

Wellllll...I fell asleep.... and when I woke up....
they were gone...

(I still have no camera. This photo was actually taken last week by TheMostImportantGuy on HIS new camera. I swear the DogDog does not always look so sad, nor does he have reason to. He is quite happy, and so are we. He just has "the face"!)

play more think less

Let me see if I can get some actual content out here, for crying out loud.

It's tough, because chattering away in the background of my mental landscape is the voice of my inner GrandListMaker. At present, she is chanting the To-Do list in a deep whisper. Usually putting pen to paper and writing the list down instead of trying to hold it all in my head will quiet the voice, but not so this time. I just returned from a trip, and there are a myriad of tasks that must be completed before I head out the door for the next trip at the end of the week. I also have a slew of appointments over the next four days.
My plan??
Stay up late every night this week getting it all done, and then pass out on the plane.


Meanwhile, here at the blog, I have a few important things I want to record, so I am just going to need to find the time. Let me start with an A-Ha!Moment I had yesterday.

Yesterday I went to "Get Growing: Gardening for Everyone," hosted by the Napa Valley Master Garderners. It was a day long event full of hands on demonstrations and classes, free to the public if you registered early (which I was somehow organized enough to do). I went by myself, and had signed up for classes about family vegetable gardening, sustainable weed management, and fruit trees.

Now, I am NOT a gardener. I would like to BE a gardener, but my current status is one of SheWhoOftenForgetsSheHasHousePlants. In my lifetime, I have even killed cacti. Plural.

But I want to grow food. I am a trained chef, and a Raw Living Foods enthusiast. I have deep appreciation for what comes out of the earth, and I would love nothing more to produce food from my own garden and eat it. Even though I have no idea how to do it.

I am about to install some food producing raised beds in the yard here in a couple of weeks. And I have no friggin' idea what I am doing. Seriously.

Anyhow, back to the A-Ha!Moment. So I went to this master gardening event yesterday, and I wasn't but two minutes past the registration table and into the quad area where the demos were being held, and I started hyperventilating. The more I walked around, the worse it got. In my own typical twisted way, I determined that nobody else there was a novice gardener. I tried to stop freaking out by reading a few of the presentation boards posted about and the gardening-speak made me feel like I was in a foreign land. I was pretty sure at that moment that I had made a huge mistake by being there, so I breezed past all of the demos and parked myself in a lecture hall to wait for the keynote speaker that was going to open the event.

The guy was totally cool. He talked about mystical moments as a child in a neighbor's garden, and while I didn't have stories of my own like that about gardens, I do have those about food, and I became a chef, in the same way this guy had come to make his passion his career. So there I was, breathing again and enjoying his speech, and then he said something about some seedlings he had planted a few weeks earlier. He watered them and came back the next day and they had gotten moldy, so he had to toss them and start over.

And my heart started pounding again, and it was beginning to feel a little warm. The more he talked the more I realized I was about to make a brain connection if I could just make it through the day.

After the keynote speech, I had a bit of time to kill before my first class, so I decided to try to brave one of the demo tables and maybe talk to someone. I went to learn about propogation, and besides still believing that a foreign language was being spoken, the demonstrator had a thick European accent. So now I was certain. Anyway, he was showing this little girl of about 9 years old and her mom how to snip a branch of sage and turn it into several tiny sage plants she could allow to grow roots and then plant in her own garden. I watched the whole thing over her shoulder. He snipped, they dipped it in some magical powder and potted it. The little girl was happy, and was about to walk away at that moment and the demonstrator say, "Oh no! We need to do more! For the failure! It will fail! You must take at least two. Better three or four."

Well.
This is where my head started to explode.
Failure. FAILURE.
My heart started racing again, I felt faint, and I actually wondered if I had packed any anti-anxiety meds along to a gardening event...and meanwhile the guy is saying the word failure over and over in his crazy accent....and I was trying to understand how anything could have a fifty-percent failure rate built into it and even be remotely enjoyable...and it was then that I had the A-Ha!Moment.

Dudes, I have been avoiding gardening my whole life because of my fear of failure.

I could write volumes about how fearing failure developed in me, and all of the wild places it has brought me in my 41 years, but that's not where I'm going here. I could write about how many things I have never tried to do because I knew I couldn't do it perfectly, also....but that's not where I'm going either.

So back to the event. I left that table to go find a corner to contemplate in, and almost ran over the keynote speaker trying to get there. So I talked to him. He was still totally cool, and for some reason I blurted out what I had just learned about myself. He chuckled a bit and talked to me about all of the things a garden would teach me. Then he said, "just get out there and muck it up."

I spent the rest of the day in between classes talking to experienced garden folk and asking them to play therapy session with me (not literally, but...ya' know). Every single one of them had a story about something that hadn't worked just recently. Every single one of them chalked it up to being part of the process, and I have to say....it's not a concept that sits well with my emotional and/or nervous systems...but I do understand it logically.
And I'm willing to give it a whirl.
I'm willing to just get in there and get dirty.
I'm willing to learn from my mistakes.
I'm willing to not be perfect.

I'd like to at least pull one edible salad out of my yard this year, though LOL.
But I am willing to screw up and not have it be anxiety producing.
This is a big deal.

Heres' the funny thing though. While I was busy finding people to talk with about garden failures, several other people came up to me to tell me that they liked my shirt:


Funny how I can apply that to other things in my life like dancing and kitchen experiments, but not to others. I really need to learn to spread it around ;-)

hmmm...

I feel noticeably absent from my blog, in a 365-ish sort of way.
Maybe tomorrow I need to try posting during the light of day?

the OutTheBackOfTheVan shot

Flying Flags Rv Park, Buellton CA
space 96

Tired. Long drive. Lots of Friday rush hour traffic. Lots to unpack. I have a few days to do the laundry and repack it for a trip to Boston. Those same few days are packed with appointments and to-do lists.

It's all good.
It's just all busy.

Oh, yeah. We went back to the falls this morning, and no camera. We combed the parking lot, hiked the trail again, and checked in with the ranger. No luck. I had taken the OutTheBackOfTheVan shot earlier in the week, though.

things around my house thursday....

....will be delayed until I can find some resolve to what Thing Is Not Around My House This Thursday, and that would be MY CAMERA.

I think that when we were coming back down from a hike to a waterfall today, it may have fallen out of the tote bag that hangs off my crutches.

I've looked just about everywhere, but when you are living inside a box that is 21 feet long and 7 feet wide, there are only so many places it could be hiding. I'll take another look around tomorrow, and we might head back to the trailhead tomorrow to see if we spot it anywhere, but...poo! :-(

what's on my nightstand

A meme. Tagged by DotMom.


The Rules:

1. Pick up the nearest book of 123 (or more) pages.

"The Road," Cormac McCarthy.

2. Open the book to page 123 and find the 5th sentence.

The water was so clear.

3. Post the next 3 sentences.

He held it to the light. A single bit of sediment coiling in the jar on some slow hydraulic axis. He tipped the jar and drank and he drank slowly but still he drank nearly the whole jar.

4. Tag 5 people.

Tag, you're it.

lunch at andersen's

Here is my earliest memory of Andersen's....I think I was around age 7.

I was served up the specialty of the house: Pea Soup. I am guessing the color and texture of the bowl of green slop wasn't enticing. My parents talked me into eating the entire serving telling me there was going to be a surprise at the bottom of the bowl. I ate the whole bowl, scraping away even the few last bits so that I could see what was down there. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess I didn't feel ripped off to find out it was just a cartoon and not a pony.

that would be Hap-Pea and Pea-Wee, folks

Thirty-five years later, I still go looking for the same surprise....and it is always exactly the same surprise...and even though I know that's the surprise that's coming...I still get a little excited as I get to the bottom of the bowl and get to see parts of the image being revealed...and I still somehow feel a little surprised. By a cartoon. At the bottom of a bowl of soup. I know. Shut up.

That's MY empty bowl up there in that photo, by the way. My own kid wasn't gullible enough to fall for that trick. He did take a taste, but just barely, and before the flavor could even merge with his tastebuds, he claimed he didn't like it.
Poor child.
He has no idea what he's missing :-)
We did both laugh when he finished his burgers and fries and there was a pic of some Nascar dude and his car on the plate. Hey, at least he got something.

doggie pretending to be Pea-Wee

how to lose an hour more efficiently than daylight savings time, in 9 easy steps

1. Start the night before by packing your TravelingVan with everything you will need for a five day road trip, sans the last minute items you need to grab in the morning.

2. Take a gander at your list before going to bed, observing that you should probably add "wheelchair" to the list, but acknowledge that is a pretty stupid idea. I mean, how could you forget, being that you are a daily wheelchair user.

3. Go out to the van in the morning, and take care of packing the last few items, including unplugging the electrical cords that were hooked up for overnight charging.

4. As you pack, listen to the construction guys working on the house across the street installing new windows. Contemplate how silly it is that they think you can't understand their language, knowing full well that what they are saying is, "Maybe we should help her," as they watch me packing up the electrical cords.

5. Proudly balance on one leg, with nothing to lean against but air and space, and wrap up two heavy duty RV extension cords and pack them in the underside storage compartment. Make sure the construction guys see the smart assed smile on your face...the one that you've been able to conjure up since age 2 when you stubbornly announced, "I do it myself!!".

6. Get in the van, drive off, chuckle and wave like the queen when one of the construction guys waves a goodbye to you.

7. Get 40 minutes down the road and realize that in your preening display of independence you forgot to pack your wheelchair.

8. Drive all the way back home to get it, wasting gas money, bridge toll, and an hour and a half worth of drive time.

9. Be thankful that the construction guys are working on the windows at the rear of the house across the street, so that you don't have to wave again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Aside from rolling into the RV Park a little later than expected, we're having a good time.

It's 10:51 and the dog is more konked out than he has been since he's joined us. MyFavoriteKid fell asleep early, too. I just had some chocolate and I am drinking some wine, laying in bed, enjoying the free WiFi, and watching (well, more like listening to) Sigur Ros on dvd (which is partially about them and their music, but it's like watching a beautifully filmed travel documentary about Iceland).

Life is pretty damn great.

Oh, and when I walked the dog, I could see the glowing sign for Andersen's Pea Soup.
Hint: that makes me very happy. Childhood favorite.

I am SO not making lunch tomorrow.

We're hitting the road tomorrow for the spring break excursion. Supposedly there is Wi-Fi where we are staying. Hopefully that means 5 days of posts more interesting than this.

It's days like this, when I'm so exhausted and it's so close to midnight, that I can't believe I'm wasting my time (or the time of anyone else) with Blog365.

snaps on saturday

Under the glass tabletop at the Indian Restaurant....



(ad for Kingfisher beer)
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I am behind in replying to comments and emails, and I do apologize.
I am in some strange PuppyWarpOfTheTimeSpaceContinuum.

me, dancing

Yesterday afternoon MyFavoriteKid reminded me that I had agreed to host a slumber party tonight. I'm not quite sure how I managed to forget that, but I now have a house full of people and a sincere appreciation for the local Mom & Pop pizzeria that hosted our emergency dinner.

Since the environment here tonight won't allow for a post requiring any amount of thought (not that very many of them do), I bring you some video.

Here is the director's description of the piece:
An in-progress, rough cut of "Speed," by Dandelion Dancetheater, Cal State East Bay Department of Theatre and Dance, Clausen House Program for Adults with Developmental Disabilities and Rajendra Serber. More versions to come...

I am very nervous about putting this up here. In general, I'm not a huge fan of seeing dance on video. It always feels "flat" to me energetically.... although that isn't the only reason I'm nervous about posting video, that's for sure ;-)

This is not a fully edited version of a final project; this is a rough cut. Also, I was invited to participate in the Group Pieces only on the day of filming. I had never worked with most of these people before, nor was I familiar with the structure or concept of "Speed". I came to be involved becaue what was also being filmed that day was a snippet of "Spinal Fluid" that I have been working on with Dandelion Dancetheater. A spoken word performer was added into the filming our dance that day for continuity, so that "Spinal Fluid" could connect with "Speed".

This is a looooong video. It's 22 minutes. I think all of it is interesting, but if you want to cut to the chase and find me, I'm somewhere in the opening credits. I'm in a couple of group improvisations filmed in the large theater, and the "Spinal Fluid" phrase appears at 15 minutes 40 seconds.

My favorite part of this filming is the segment with the cellphones, and I also thoroughly enjoy the dramatic value of the stage exits of the Clauson House performer in the kimono.

the how many things can we cram into one post post

There are four topics that need to go into this post, but it's almost midnight, so that just aint gonna happen. Dance class ran long (we did circle dancing for the spring equinox).
Here's two out of four.
Next up will be posts about Riley and Lloyd, but for now it's Fatima and Fred.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Things Around My House Thursday (12 of 52)

Hand of Fatima hangs on the front door

I've had this Hamsa hanging on the front door of my homes for many years. It does come down every once in awhile so I can put up something seasonal, which I enjoy doing, even though it makes me feel a little "Martha".

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Mr Roger's Sweater Day

Previously blogged about in this post.


Today was the day to wear a favorite sweater in honor of Fred Rogers. I wore the only full sweater I have knit (to date).

"Under The Hoodie" by Kristen Spurkland, from the book Stitch N Bitch. If you're on Ravelry, here's a link.


I knit this back in 2005 with yarn that was purchased for me as a birthday gift. That makes it a true Friendship sweater, in my book. I couldn't have afforded this particular yarn any on my own. Rowan Kid Classic (wool and kid mohair *kachink!*).


I wore the sweater today in the morning until it got to warm outside (but, I'll say it again: yay, spring!!), and then the temperatures took a huge dive in the evening hours after the sun went down, so I wore it again to and from dance class.
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It's now 11:58pm. Talk about cutting it close.

the new member of the family

Dog knew just what to do with a dog bed.
Flopped right into it an fell asleep before
I could even cut the tag off!

Dog is tired.
I am tired.
I'll fill you in on the details later, promise!

either way you slice it, it's a dog

Last night I was too dog tired to post.
Tonight I am too hyped up about a dog to be tired.

I've been wanting a dog for a good long while. Up until the move here last summer, I already had two dogs, if you recall. They were same litter sister dogheads, rescue puppies. They were named Roxy and Lilli, but usually referred to them (affectionately) TheStoopids.

I love them so.
When I rescued them, they were teeny tiny an I had two legs. A year later, when I became one legged (and medical equipment laden), and they were collectively 135 lbs of active dog, they stopped getting what they needed from me, and I felt horrible about it.

The girls actually now live with TheEX, which is a pretty good deal for everyone. MyFavoriteKid still sees them on weeknight and weekend visits so there never was a terrible rough detachment phase. I also have a chance to visit the dogs for a moment when the kid is being transferred. The dogs have someone stronger that is able to walk them frequently, And now that the TheEx has the two dogs, which has recently been indentified by the medical community as being just as effective as prozac.

See? It's a win win.
Happy dogs, happy kid, happy Ex.....

Well, I guess, not so win win with me.
I have no dogs, and now no boober-kitten (sad oldman cat died a few weeks ago).

To be honest, I've been wanting a dog for months. I've be investigating the possibilities and trolling the local kennels online, but was very hesitant to even consider a dog because of MrCrabAppleCat. Then Tramp passed, and I couldn't think about a new pet, I was so sad.....but now I'm clear that I really need me some dogness.

So in comes Winston:



I'm not sure if Winston is his real name or his "prison id" given to him at the pound. He is about 2 years old, is a Spaniel/Pug mix, and weights about 10 lbs. He was at a shelter in the central state and not doing too good. I don't have the whole story yet, but he was either close to being euthenized, or just generally deteriorating under kennel conditions.

Enter HopALong and SecondChanceRescue. They go 'round to shelters and pull out as many adoptable pets that they can. They put them into foster homes, get them all checked out and fixed up, and then adopt out.

Well, Mr.Winston here hasn't even made it his foster family yet, and he has a waiting list of 7 people for him. I am number one on the list. As of today, he has been rescued from the larger shelter, and is now at the vet being treated for kennel cough. Once that clears up, they will neuter him give him all of his shots.

I have been told by several people in the office now, that this dog is absolutely gorgeous and adorable, super sweet, and very mellow. Even a volunteer tried to snag him---but my application reined supreme *mwah haha*. I've heard he is very calm, but likes to sit in laps and loves to cuddle. This is goooood.

What's next in the sequence is that he gets sprung from the vet's and I meet him for a one on one (well two on one, I guess...MyFK will come). I've already completed the application and have had the screening interview, so now it's just about seeing if we're a match with the dog. I think the key is to see if he's going to freak out around crutches or a wheelchair. Some dogs are indifferent, some just slightly back away at first (I'm okay with that), but some just bark and bark and run and hide. I hope Winston is not in the latter category.

If that all goes well, we foster to adopt (or maybe we just a adopt--I'm unclear on what the flow will be). There is a 3 week honeymoon period where they'd be glad to help place him with a more suitable family if need be.

But honetsly? When I look at that face?



It's love at first site.
He aint going anywhere.
(if he gets here....cross fingers please....i needz doggy kissez)

I know I should wait 'til I have him, but I already bought a color and lead. Just in case I meet him and we get to take him home, I mean I'd need that, right???
I sort of figured buying it was my way of informing the universe that I intend to have this dog be part of my family. A statement of intent.

Hope it works.

too dog tired to post...

....so I offer you a gecko checking out an ostrich instead.

This is MyFavoriteKid's leopard gecko, "Flash".
He's looking at a website Inky pointed me to;
turns out there is an ostrich farm down in Solvang.
We'll check it out when we head down for spring break.

today was a good one

I had a late night with the performance. Bellydance is no fun on a full stomach, so that meant a huge late night meal when I got home. I was famished.

Even with staying up late, I woke up naturally and feeling refreshed at about 6:30am, which means my body is finally getting used to the time change. MyFavoriteKid was off at his dad's for the weekend, and TheMostImportantGuy was over and slept in until about 10:45am.

That meant that I had quiet morning time...one of my favorite things ever. I watched a few interesting programs on PBS and I knit for a good long while. Once TheMIG woke up, I made a big breakfast scramble for us, and then her helped me reorganize my garage, making it significantly easier for me to maneuver. For that I am so thankful.

TheMIG left late in the afternoon, and when then TheEx came by to drop off MyFK, I served him a belated birthday/St.Patrick's day dinner.

corned beef and cabbage, of course
I cook mine up with caraway seeds and a clove studded orange

My dad had stopped by earlier in the day to drop off a Shamrock plant (my mom said it was for my "tablescape," which leads me to believe she is watching far too much Sandra Lee. Although maybe I should have at least had "cocktail time!").



I photographed it in the daylight for the blog, and good thing. As it turns out, I have about 5 more minutes to use it to enter a contest over at the FairyGodKnitter's (one of my new favorite people---we "met" on Ravelry!). For the contest, I was to link to something green on my blog, and was surprised to realize I have very little of it!

I am glad that green is in the next phase of Project Spectrum.

snaps on saturday

Here are some photos taken at this year's Rakkasah, the largest bellydance festival in the United States (oops--pardon, the website says it is the largest in the world).

The Sabah Ensemble (the troupe I co-direct) performed tonight on the East stage at 9pm. We had a great run, and many people came up to us afterwards to tell us how much they appreciated our work (yay, us!).

Aside from all the dancing going on, the Rakkasah is all about the shopping.

piles and piles of silver and lapis necklaces

one of over a hundred booths full of wonderful treasures

veils of every color

a t-shirt I bought....there is a hand of fatima on the front, and the above phrase is printed on the back, down low (so it lands at my sacrum)

Oh, and I bought some chocolate butts.
Couldn't resist.
Teehee.

e is for...

...eating.


Eating is something that I love doing for (and together with) people, so much so, that I built a career around it (catering).

I see eating as a global unifier, right up there with breathing.

I simply enjoy the process of eating. I love the fact that it has the potential to engage all of the senses. In addition to being gustatory, it is simultaneously visual, tactile, olfactory, and auditory.

I am consistently intrigued by the ways eating connects with memories and emotions.



I also have so many "issues" with eating.

A few months ago? I was eating a diet consisting primarily of Raw Living Foods. Today? I had cookies before breakfast and chocolate for lunch.

Here is the current question about eating that I have been pondering for the last few months. I am going to use water as the example, even though I fully understand that water isn't eating, it's drinking...but I think you'll see that what I am rolling around in my brain extends to not only eating, but to just about anything else I might do for myself that would promote joy.

Water:
I know it is important to drink plenty of water. I have all of the information set before me from the experts telling me how much water I should be drinking and why I should be drinking it. I logically understand the benefits of being properly hydrated, and I am also informed about the consequences of being dehydrated.

Even more beneficial that this external knowledge, I also have an internal understanding. I HAVE gone through periods of time where I was properly hydrated. The list of the many ways in which my life and health improved by merely by drinking water is a long one.

So now I not only have the textbook knowledge about water, I also have evidence, coming from within my own being, of the benefits of drinking plenty of water.

And yet I do not drink enough water.

WHY IS THAT???!!
Why is it that I can KNOW something can make me feel good, and not just because the facts SAY it will make me feel good, but because I am my own actual living PROOF that it will make me feel good....and yet I do not do for myself what makes me feel good.
WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??
Why on earth would I keep from doing things for myself (ANY things) that I have already proven make myself feel good?


I've been working on this question for months.
I still haven't figured it out.
And I am eating jellybeans while typing this.

abc-along

things around my house thursday, 11 of 52

Things Around My House Thursday

I found her in a small boutique last summer.


Right now she lives on the bookcase in the livingroom.



Sometimes she holds flowers, sometimes her vase is empty. She looks fabulous either way. She's also interesting to look at from every angle. She is heavy, and I like that she has weight to her, and that her body is textured.


I brought her home with me because when I was in the store and I removed the vase, she reminded me of doing warm-ups in my bellydance class.

And no, I haven't named her ;-)
(yet)

speaking of views...

Oh, yeah! I said that I was starting my own new tradition!
Here's the OutTheBackOfTheVan shot from last weekend's camping trip:

Bodega Dunes State Campground, space #16
which just so happens to be a wheelchair accessible campsite
(ie more compacted dirt, less "dunes")

I also took a photo of the view out the front window this time:



Who the hell goes camping with a light-up palm tree??!?!
answer: the people who also go camping and set up a pen for their 8 puppies

i think last night i saw a band called "pole"

I suppose sometimes being a gimp has its perks.
However, I want you to know that:

For every parking spot I get that is close to a building entrance...
For every meter that I don't have to feed...
For every gimp discount I get on entry fees...
For every line that I get to circumvent...

For every single one of them, I get an even exchange with something like this in return:

my view of the stage
from the Arco Arena's Handicapped Accessible Area
in section 122

Nice unobstructed view, wouldn't you say??
Oy. LOL

I just wanted you all to know that you might think I get GimpBonuses, but honestly....NO. It all evens out.
Always.
Every time.
So please don't give me that that look the next time you think I'm getting some perk you are not, mmmkay??
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And for the record, I like to kvetch. I think it's pretty much in my nature. But we had a truly rockin' good time, and I made it work with the seating and the view. We had a blast.


See? Not so bad. Just had to lean forward. All night.
;-)

grumble.

I complain about it every time, so how 'bout I just give an image:

Daylight Savings Time makes me feel like a CrankyPants*

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BUSY week ahead. MyFavoriteKid and I are going to a concert tonight (Linkin Park), and this week he has two performances (choral first, then band). As for me, I have rehearsals this week, and then a performance on Saturday. Oh, and let us not forget that Friday night we have a wild night of Bunko at the clubhouse. So we basically have something going on every single night. Yay, chaos!

Could be a mixed bag on the blog this week.

Maybe this week's "things around my house" will be a show-n-tell of how many dirty dishes and piles of laundry I will have managed to bury myself under.


* Found these cute pants by doing a google image search on the word "cranky", and it looks like you can buy them here. Or knowing who comes to this blog, just whack out a pair yourself ;-)

the trouble with juliet

Several times during the knitting of my little Juliet cardigan, I have put her on waste yarn and tried her on.

I tried her on after joining the body to create the raglan sleeves, and then again after knitting another inch or so on the body, so I could determine if it was the right time to switch to the lace pattern. After the first 3 repeats of the lace I tried her on again and was pleased with how she was fitting.

I was thinking I'd need 6-7 lace repeats in total, but it was hard to tell how many repeats would get her to hit that perfect spot on the hips (the one that makes my "troubles" go away). For a little cotton summer thing, she was getting quite heavy, and I suspected she'd stretch.

Here is my Lady Capulet, last Tuesday after 6 repeats. I had taken her off the needles one last time to check her out before either one more repeat or just knitting on the border.


So near, and yet so far.

It was in that last go round of trying her on that I realized if I finished her, I'd probably never wear her. The transition of the empire waist was totally in the wrong place for my liking.


My Juliet lacks shape. She makes me feel like I'm wearing a maternity top. If I put a hibiscus behind my ear, I'd feel like I was wearing a mumu.

I have since ripped the lace out all the way back to the garter stitch section, and I'm going to extend that portion to down to below "the girls" in hopes that my Juliet drapes better and maybe gives me my waistline back. I'm not so sure it's going to help, but we shall see.

Frogging is such sweet sorrow.

snaps on saturday

I noticed yesterday that bloglines didn't insert anything to show that a link to YouTube was placed in the body of my post. It made my post yesterday look as if what I found on the internet was my own few lines text. What I actually found yesterday was this really fantastic dance video, so if you missed it, I encourage you to go back and check it out.
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As for today, here is my Saturday snapshot:

Spring Has Sprung

I've got a big dance rehearsal this morning, and then MyFavoriteKid and I are heading back to Bodega Bay for our first overnighter together in the camper van (I haven't found a nickname for it that is sticking yet--but I need one).
Have a good weekend!

the internet as therapist

In an attempt to bring more love into my love/hate relationship with dance, I stumbled upon this:

(direct link for those who can't see it via bloglines)

Sometimes I forget why I do what I do.

Sometimes I forget that some of my most beautiful creations have emerged out of fertile soil (sprung forth from cow patties?).

When I feel like manure, I need to dance more. Not less.

things around my house thursday, 10 of 52

As promised, for this week's Things Around My House Thursday I'm showing you the mojo I have placed at my entry into my house, which is from the garage into the den.

It's a statue of Quan Yin, a wooden carving of an open hand, and a (really dirty, because it's never lit) candle. The candle is just there as a symbol to call forth mindfulness.

All of this sits on a wooden shelf, right next to the bird seed, and one shelf above the cat litter (which I haven't had the heart to pass along to someone yet).

Photographing this makes me think I need to spruce the area up a bit. Maybe some color or some fabric or something.
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I've been numbering these weekly posts, and just today realized that I was somehow numbering them all "7 of 52" (which is odd, since I am so aware that time seriously flies). Anyhow, I went back and edited them to correct the titles. My apologies if doing that caused them to repopulate in your bloglines.

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Just to respond to a few comments (because I haven't been so good about that lately)...

No, I'm not okay, but I'll be fine (if that makes any sense).
I can't imagine anyone wants to read my whining.
I know I need to post more about dance, but it's difficult as dance is a love/hate relationship for me right now.
And thank you so much for stopping by if you are new to visiting my corner of the blogosphere.

downbeat

This day is ending on a sour note, so rather than go there, I'll show you a bit about how it started:

part of a stage set I danced on today for film

definitions and warm fuzzies

Squozen Defined

TheMostImportantGuy read yesterday's (second) post, and then IM'd me:
squozen = squeezed + frozen ??
I immediately typed back, "Yes!! That is it exactly!"

The squozen feeling is when my heart feels all squeezed and achy and crampy but when my behavior is sort of stuck and rigid...not the "cold" sort of frozen....it's more about being static or immobile.

Squozen. It also sort of sounds like a new brand of popsicle.
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Now for something warmer and fuzzier:



This gorgeous yarn was a gift/prize I won at the Witty Knitter's blog. She had a little contest for a few people to hit some magic numbers on the commenter clock, and somehow I managed to win. The package arrived here last week.

It's just lovely. It's hand spun and hand dyed kid mohair from what appears to be a local artisan from her side of the planet. It's a beautiful amethyst sort of color, and it is just the softest thing ever.

Which plays into why I didn't post about it sooner.

This yarn was in the mailbox waiting for me at home right after returning from the vets to put my poor Tramp to sleep. At first I opened the package and cooed all over it, because, as yarn will do, it had its fibery way of cheering me up.

But then I had it sitting next to me on the table as I typed that post that day about having to let him go, and I'd fiddle with it and stroke the yarn from time to time....and it was so so soft, it was almost like petting the cat....and after awhile, it was making me sad. Tramp wasn't purple, but he was grey-ish, and even the color was beginning to make me think I was seeing him curled up there next to me. I decided to tuck it away for a couple of days.

I'm glad I did, because it is so pretty, I don't want to make any negative associations with it. I'd rather think of this yarn as the good thing that happened that day :-)

There is a little over 200 yds, and I think I am going to make some sort of small scarf with it. Maybe something like a Bainbridge?

Thanks M-H. Sorry for not letting you know sooner that that package arrived okay. And I want you to know that timing aside, your gift is very much appreciated. I especially love that it is completely handcrafted from a place so far from me.

it almost came and went, unnoticed

I did think about it at some point last week.

I did not think about it even once over the weekend.

Sunday afternoon I was feeling really odd. It came on out of nowhere. Hyper-insecure, super-emotional, feeling loved but lonely, and wanting to feel more cherished and adored.

I spent most of today feeling "dissatisfied". Like nothing was wrong...but that nothing was right, either.

I kept myself busy all day on purpose, to avoid the dissatisfied feeling, but found myself having what I call that "heart squozen feeling" (not a word, I know...but it perfectly describes how it feels...more than saying "it feels like my heart is being squeezed").

I made my blog entry for the day, I hopped into bed with my knitting, and I popped on the nightly news.

And that is when I saw the date on the screen.

Today is March 3rd.
It's the anniversary of the accident.


Things have shifted in my life in the last four years, to be sure. Maybe some day this will just be an ordinary day. It actually almost was an ordinary day. It almost went unnoticed. But I wonder if there will always be an undercurrent somewhere in my brain, or in my body....like some sort of muscle-memory alarm clock that will go off annually.

I think I should at least keep the date in mind so that I maybe have a clue as to why I might be breaking out in tears for no reason in the middle of the day.
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Look at that. Two posts in one day.
I suppose I can't skip tomorrow....

things around my house thursday, 9 of 52

Things Around My House Thursday
On a Monday.
I'm so together, aren't I.
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I do mix things up from time to time, but this is what currently sits on my front stoop:

collected stones, a few crystals, some sage, and rock with the word "home" painted on it

I think I was in my 20's when I became interested in the concept of a having a "burden basket" near the front door. I had seen one in a metaphysical shop (for a ridiculous sum of money,) and the basket was described as an item that Native American peoples would place at the entry of their home. It was to remind anyone that entered that they were to honor those inside by releasing their troubles and concerns, and leaving them in the basket.

In other words:
Check your shit at the door, please.

I'm not sure if the goal was to have the basket somehow aid you in transforming your shit, or if the basket was there to safely hold it for you so you didn't have to worry about it anymore, and you could then pick your shit back up again on the way out.

Upon further research I learned that most "burden baskets" were actually used to....well....literally carry actual burdens. Hauling. Gathering. These were working baskets. I never did find a historical Native American reference for the baskets being used symbolically or as a spiritual item, but maybe I just didn't research far enough (I'm notorious for that). I'm sure that what I saw in the metaphysical shop was a bunch of new age frou frou, and at the expense of another culture, to boot. It irks me when that happens.

Either way, real or reinvented, I always liked the concept of having something at the door to remind myself and others that a change was about to take place. I'm a huge fan of transitions into and out of spaces (maybe the dancer/performer in me?). I also enjoy using any sort of mental tool that reminds me to have a separation of things....like work and home.

I think in every place I have lived since seeing the original fake-out basket, I have placed a little something at the doorway of my home. Not a container to check your woes, per se...but just a little something special to catch the eye of those who enter or exit, so that maybe their energy will shift to a good place as they pass the threshold.

In this home that I am living in now (since last summer) rarely do I enter through my own front door. I almost always enter through the garage here. It only took one or two passes to realize that I needed to have something at that entry, too. I'll show that in the next installment.

road trip!

Early in the week I realized that MyFavoriteKid was going to be at his dad's Saturday and Sunday, and that I had nothing on my calendar. I immediately broke out the map to look for a place that TheMostImportantGuy and I could head out to for an overnight run in the van. We made our way to Bodega Bay. It was a great weekend.

1. Hwy 1 Cafe, 2. Potter School, from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds", 3. Crab Traps, 4. Whale Watching at Bodega Head, 5. Beached Boat, 6. Roadside Cafe, 7. Side Trip to Jenner, 8. Roadside Lunch, 9. Candles, Wine and Boggle, 10. Campfire, 11. Campground, Out the Back Door, 12. Kite Store, 13. Happy Cows Come From California, 14. Bakery Pitstop, 15. Chuck, 16. Snoopy, Woodstock 'n Me

(click on the photo title for more details)

I really enjoyed this trip, and could not believe how close it was to home. I had so much fun, that I think I'm going to do it all over again next weekend, but with MyFk. I haven't taken him out overnight in the van yet.

See, I've been acclimating myself. First, I did a day trip into the Napa Valley, just to get used to driving the beast. For the second trip, TheMIG and I took the van to a more commercial RV park so I could practice hooking up and running the water and electrical systems. This weekend, we went to a state campground with no hook-ups, so I got to learn how to "boon dock" (at least I hope it is called boon docking. I read that term in a RV magazine somewhere, but knowing my luck it's probably something only a dork would say. The equivalent of my grabbing a CB radio and calling out "breaker breaker, good buddy!". It would be just like me to say it to some seasoned full time RV-er and look like a moron).

Anyhow, now that I feel more confident operating the van, I am ready to add in the kid. And there is my reason for wanting to go back to the same place two weekends in a row. The skills and the location will be repeats. The only variable will be the PARENTING (I must continue to break myself in incrementally, so as not to go insane). I also think it's smart of me to try one night out with MyFK before we take our first long trip over spring break. I think it will benefit both of us.

And something tells me that camping with MyFK is an entirely different experience than a weekend roadtripping with TheMIG.

Ya' think???

d is for...

...dance.

performing at a friend's wedding, 2003
(still a bi-ped at that point)

members of The Sabah Ensemble honor Esike Tarics at a memorial, 2006
(that's me on the left in the back of the line)

The Sabah Ensemble at the 2007 Rakkasah performing "Alchemy"
(that's me peeking through from the back)

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No, I did not miss a day of posting yesterday. The Blog 365 rules state that TheDayOfLeap was to be ADayOfRest.

I gladly accepted.