Thursday, July 31, 2008

It's supposed to be Things Around My House Thursday, but it's difficult to do that when I don't even want to be here in my house right now (as lovely as it is). I have a horrendous case of cabin fever developing. See, I am trapped in the house, and with an 11 year old man-child, no less.

The streets in my neighborhood are being completely ripped out down to bare earth, and repaved. Somehow, the rippers aren't communicating well with the repavers, though. As of today, I kid you not...I cannot get from my house to the front entry gate of the community with my car.

I am completely bugged as I am missing dance class tonight, and I was going to perform there at the end of class. Even rehearsed yesterday and got my costume all pressed and ready.

I think my co-teacher, KarenThe(blogless)DancingLurker, thinks I am making it up, so here is proof:

taken right out my front window

This one's from the front window, too. That's the machine that chews up and spits out the old asphalt.

This is one of the many intersections that I cannot get through...the messes that are preventing me from getting to the front gate.

this was taken when you could still just barely get down one side of the street, and then, in all their brilliance, the workers tore up the other side of the street at the same time, so the whole damn thing became inaccessible. Lovely, eh?

I am so stuck.
Hope nobody in here needs an ambulance tonight.

You'd think my housebound status would mean that I'd be nearing my sock knitting deadline, but nooooo.....because all the racket is apparently goofing with my concentration (or maybe its' the fumes?)....and I have had to rip out the same danged heel flap 4 times now.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I'm going to miss my knitting deadline :-(

I'm just now knitting the heel flap on the 2nd sock for the San Francisco One-Sock-A-Month KnitAlong Group (ravelry link).

I know that I still have one more day left, but it's a day crammed filled with tasks I can't do while knitting, and it's not helping at all that I am not in love with the stitch pattern. I cannot begin tell you how much I dislike ribbing, and once you toss in that little annoying mock cable stitch (which is painful for my right wrist--the one with all the scars and hardware in it), my knitting just slows to a crawl.

The good news is, the heel flap does not have that ribbed/mock-cable stitch, and the foot of the sock has only half of that stitch than the leg did (because the sole of the foot is plain). So it should go more quickly. But it won't be done by tomorrow night.
Oh, well.
Hopefully I'll get it done by Sunday when the group meets up to go yarn shopping for the August/September socks.

Lucky for me I can show up on Sunday just wearing the one finished sock on my one and only leg and pass as an accomplished knitter.

Monday, July 28, 2008

even lamer than bullets

Another wanker post.
But for good reason.
TheBon and her hubby are in town for a couple of nights visiting, and so I'm busy hostessing.

I will hopefully find a little time to do some actual writing here soon.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

bullets is all i got

* Tired from a weekend long workshop.

* Trying to get the house ready for visitors.

* MyFavoriteKid is reminding me that I am his LeastFavoriteParent because I wont let him stay up late.

* Have some deadline knitting to be done in a couple of days and no real time to do it.

ok lucy. 'splain.

Alright. I can't stand it when I have something that needs to be blogged about but it's too big to written about quickly, and I don't have time to do anything longly (??!?!?....teehee).

Here's what happened last week while I was in Los Angeles that caused me to return home several days early, and before completing the run of shows.

It wasn't that there was another external event that caused me to go (even though there were some new event that did occur). What caused me to go was that I recognized a pattern within myself.

And this is a riot. I think.

Have you ever had one of those romantic relationships where the sex was sooooo mindblowingly fucking awesome, but the rest of the relationship was shit?? And you kept going back for the mindblowing sex even though when you weren't in the sack, you felt horrible?? And you kept thinking, "Man! This sex is soooo great that it just has to spill over into the rest of the relationship eventually!"....but of course, (as we all know) it never does???

Well, my relationship with this dance company (and let's be more specific here, with this director) was exactly like that kind of romantic relationship. The 6-minutes of being on stage performing?? Mindblowingly amazing. The post-performance "afterglow" and feedback from the audience?? Super juicy . The rest of the process and time spent??? Shit. My needs not being met or being outright ignored, or in some cases, even blatantly violated. And I kept going back to perform over and over again because the dancing itself was so good....and it just took me foreverrrrrr to figure out that I'd already "been there, done that."

You see, I've had my share of unhealthy romantic relationships. I had one that fits this description in my early 20's. As a bonus (either because the universe likes to toy with me or because I am a complete dufus), I had another relationship just like it in my early 30's, too. After the second go 'round, I finally figured out how to not do that again. But the toying universe?? Which seems to think that life is about repeating the same friggin' patterns over and over and over again in all of its various forms, probably until the day I DIE??? It has now decided to have me work through this pattern within my WORKING relationships.
Yay! Woohoo!

So there I was on Tuesday morning in Los Angeles seeing these connections, and it was finally becoming crystal clear to me why I was having so much trouble with this dance company and never going being able to work it out. And it was because it was never going to be a healthy relationship, no matter what I did.

Now, the good news, is having done this twice already in the romance forum, I:
a) knew that getting out would be ouch-y, but that I would indeed survive it.
b) knew that making a complete cut was the only way to do it (ie, no trying to just be "sexy-friends"....nuh uh, dont work).
c) knew that the other part of pattern, historically, is that once I get free and clear of the unhealthy hinderance, that what I have done is to create space for the next great healthy thing to come into my life, and wouldn't it be uber-great to have a huge wave of fantastic creative-ness entering my life.

That was all the good news.
The bad news, was that I had committed to finishing the second weekend of shows already , and I really really (did I say really?) not want to be out of professional integrity by leaving the company mid-run....even though staying meant violating my own personal integrity at that point. I mean, let's go back to using the sexual relationship as an analogy as an example. Once I finally become aware of my unhealthy behavior, staying around for one last fling is just outright sick.

But I felt like I had made a commitment, and I also felt like I really needed to consider the fact that what I needed was a break from the director of the company, but that leaving was going to impact the rest of the company and theater techs who would have to rework the show, and the driving arrangements getting home....yadda yadda yadda. I mean, there was going to be a whoooole lotta innocent bystanders.

Well, I talked to the director about how I was feeling Tuesday night. Laid it right out there on the table, pretty much just as I am laying out to you here. And he told me that if it felt that icky, I should feel free to go. If you've been reading along over the years, you'll know that this director is the KING of working entire shows as late as even the day of the performance, so I wasn't at all worried that he could pull it off. And once he said it was okay to go, well....I felt like I was no longer out of integrity. I'd been given permission to go.
So I went.

It felt poopy, as expected, but I knew from experience that it would pass. I have been concerned about whether or not my fellow dancers were negatively impacted, and am not sure what I'm going to do once I start getting reports. But other than the concern for dancemates, I haven't had a single regret, and I have been feeling a whole lot better.

Coming home early meant that I was able to attend a workshop that I was going to have to miss...which was an added bonus. My dance teacher, Jamie Miller, had studied Ideokenisis/Creative Body Alignment with Andre Bernard. When he passed away a few years ago, his student Carol Loud (who was also a former student of Jamie's), would come to California to teach the work once a year. I have missed it the last several years because, you guessed it, commitments with this same modern dance company. This year, I got to go to the workshop. And because my own teaching includes so many of the techniques found in the creative body alignment work, going this workshop is basically like taking continuing education classes or being recertified or something. So it was really great to get to attend finally.

I'm now feeling the push to start working on my own stuff, too....which is great. I'm going to start by revisiting the solo I created last year, because I think that it might just be a spring-board for a trilogy of pieces in a similar vein.

Exciting ;-)

Even if it took me forever and a day to figure it out.

Hope you'll please forgive the typos and rambling thoughts....I started this post this morning, and am trying to edit it now in the late night, after a long day of hanging out with friends and doing some sight seeing in the Napa Valley. I'm just pooped. G'night gang ;-)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

snaps on saturday

A few stray artsy-fartsy-type photos I took while in L.A. :

graffiti wall with ivy;
flower growing out of a crack in the sidewalk;
entry way to an art studio on 18th street.

I swear, I will write about why I left the tour early, but for now I'm exhausted. Coming home sooner than expected allowed me the luxury of attending a weekend workshop that will totally enhance my teaching skills (hooray for wise moves!)....but I'm a little tired.

Friday, July 25, 2008

misleading information

My routine shot out of the back of the van:

I try to take a photo like this every time I camp out in the MiniMaison. This time I was stationed on a cul-de-sac, parked in front of the home belonging to the mother of the director of the dance company.

What makes this photo misleading information is that I am no longer in Los Angeles. I drove home on Wednesday night (after leaving the dance company, and canceling my participation in the final performances).

More on that later.

Right now I'm too happy being with TheMostImportantGuy, with a full belly from a fantastic meal, and a little tipsy from the wine.

All is for the better ;-)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

i'm ani!

I'm not sure who the hell I ganked this from, because it was way back in early February, and it's been sitting in my folder of drafts ever since. Since I'm out of town and need some help, you're getting it today.

PS...I loooove Ani Difranco!

You Are Ani Difranco!

Honest, real, and well liked.
You're not limited by any boundaries.
"And you can call me crazy
But I think you're as lazy as white paint on the wall"

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

my tiny brush with fame

I recognized her the second she walked in the door of the Silverlake Cafe.

That's Kit Pistol from Project Runway/Season 4.

I didn't have the nerve to say anything to her, even though she was one of my favorite designers. She made stuff I'd actually wear.

I didn't even have the nerve to take the picture. One of my buddies at breakfast snapped it with his iPhone. Sneaky ;-)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

circa 1967

Awhile back, I shared a really old photo of myself, but I had wanted to it to be a different photo that than one I had of my mom and I.
First my mom had said yes to the photo I had chosen, but the she came back and said no.
Then a few weeks after that, she came back with a different photo, and said yes to the new one.
Fickle, us women ;-)
I waited even a couple more weeks to be sure she wouldn't change her mind again, but she's cool with it.

Hottie, huh.
I'm somewhere in the buggy, at one month old.

The photo was uploaded 6/9 and saved here for an autopost, as I'm out of town on tour right now.
oh, and I even reconfirmed with my mom 7/8 that it's still okay ;-)

Monday, July 21, 2008

more on lloyd

I totally forgot that yesterday was the day the "Lloyd" post was to go up. I had written it in so many separate chunks, and over so many days, I wasn't even sure I could remember exactly what I had written, to be honest with you! I just reread the post, and was bummed to discover that I had forgotten to add the second photo of him.

This snapshot was waiting for me on my doorstep when I came home from the trip to Boston, where I was when I missed Lloyd's memorial. A neighbor had made a copy for me.

Man, do I miss him. What an amazing person.

Even though I'd forgotten about which day the post was going up, I haven't stopped thinking about how Lloyd hardly ever complained about anything.

I have learned something about myself this tour, and that is that sometimes I realllllly need to kvetch. Like, out loud. It's almost as if I cannot stop myself, and it is almost like it is a huge part of my being able to process something and put it behind me. I have been keenly aware of my complaining about all things great and small, and then being almost immediately able to let them go. Like I can't have a catharsis without whining or bitching or something.

Now if I could just do some of that in my head instead of out loud, perhaps.

I don't know. In thinking about Lloyd, the exact polar opposite of me in the complaint area, it's making me wonder about things. Like, if I were to quit complaining, would I still be able to be genuine? I don't want to be fake, I know that for sure. I've already done that (in my youth), pretending all is okay when it clearly is not. Is the trick just to complain less? Or to only complain about the really important things? Like, stopping complaining about the small stuff?? And how then can I differently process things?? I mean, I know for sure that I do not want to run into a situation that drives me batshit and then internalize it and never work it out. But how can I work it out and have less of an impact on the ones stuck listening to me? But it seems like talking and venting is almost a required part of my mental make-up, and I wonder if there is another way to do it that doesn't involve having people to hear my big whining kvetching mouth.

Ahhhh, my brainfarts. You love them, no?

Anyhow, I actually have another night off. The director of the company is teaching a "Healing the Body Through Naked Dance" workshop, and he asked for as many of us as possible to participate, but I just don't feel up to it. I can't force myself to give another ounce of myself in that direction at this point.

And I just realized that when I told him I wasn't going to do it, that I didn't complain to him or anybody else when I did it.
Maybe just asking myself all of these questions of myself this week will cause me to grow.

I'm going to hang out in my SuperVan and knit and watch dvd's like a sloth instead. Woohoo!
'Night ;-)

Sunday, July 20, 2008


The first photo for this post was originally uploaded 6/3 so that I could start thinking about what I wanted to say to go along with it. I've been working on this post though in my head (and in my heart) since late March. It is seriously overdue, I just haven't been ready to write about this.

The words that go with the photos are being written today, July 8th (and now another today...July's just too hard to write about all in one sitting) and this post is set to pop up for you while I am out of town on tour.

Meet Lloyd, one of the greatest guys ever.

This was taken March 6th

Let me tell you how I came to meet Lloyd. During the first couple of weeks of moving here last summer, I'd wake up on Friday mornings to find that my emptied garbage cans had been pulled out of the street and up to the side of my house. I couldn't figure out who was doing it, so I made it a point to stake things out. I caught Lloyd in the act one day, and went outside to thank him. He said he'd always done it for the lady who lived here before me, and it was a habit.

It didn't take very long after that to see that Lloyd had this habit going with half the neighborhood. Once summer ended and I was driving down street earlier in the morning to get MyFavoriteKid off to school, I could see that Lloyd was up to all sorts of RandomActsOfKindess. For the earlier twenties kid of my next door neighbor, he'd leave an apple on the hood of his car. He would pick up papers out of people's driveways and put them on their front landing. Some of the ladies would get a daisy on their doorstep.

Lloyd was out in about in the neighborhood almost every single morning, either taking a walk or working in his front garden. Everyone stopped to talk to him, and I was no exception. I caught him several times a week.

Almost every single time I spoke to him, he had a joke. Lots of Irish jokes. I don' think I ever heard the same one twice. He was a big time foodie, and he is the guy that turned me and TheMostImportantGuy onto the restaurant Ubuntu in Napa (best vegetarian food ever). Lloyd had several different occupations before retiring, but the one we talked about the most was his being a school teacher. He mostly taught geography, and let me tell you, most of his knowledge was firsthand. As it turns out, Lloyd had spent every free moment road tripping throughout the United States. I think he had been camping through every national park we have. When I got the van, he came over a few times and we made a list together of places that he thought I must absolutely go see.

Now, Lloyd wasn't much of a complainer. It was interesting though. I could really tell when something was wrong. A few days would go by where I wouldn't see him outside gardening. I week would go by where the garbage cans weren't moved. The next time I'd see him, I'd ask him what was up and he'd just sort of laugh it off as being a member of the "OFC" (Old Farts Club). He'd talk with me some about the fact that he couldn't drive anymore because he had neuropathy (caused by exposure to chemicals--he also owned a janitorial service at one point) and couldn't feel his feet. He talked with me about how he had his teeth pulled and replaced with dentures and eating was a drag (but then he'd smile real big and giggle about how handsome he was). He never really complained though. I offered several times to pick things up for him, but he never took me up on it.

Well, one of those weeks rolled around where I didn't see him, and then one day we were driving past his house and there were cards and letters all over his doorstep. I stopped and grabbed a neighbor who was outside, and asked if he was sick, and she told me he had passed away the day before.

Seems Lloyd had found himself one day with some internal bleeding. He had taken off his bloody clothes, put them in the sink to soak, pulled out all of his legal documents and put them on the diningroom table, and went and laid down.

And that was that.

I'm getting all emotional here, and it's really hard to type. I loved this guy. That picture I took of him March? I took it because I was going to use it in a blogpost about what I was learning from him:

* about how it's the kind things that we do that mean so much
* about how small kind things count as things, and how they do add up
* and about how great it is to be genuine...but how it might be even better to be genuinely great (if that makes any sense)

Now instead of writing about all of that, I feel like I also need to write about how he touched an entire community. I mean, most the folks the live here all moved in at the same time when the houses were first built 20 years ago. Everyone knew Lloyd better than I did, but Lloyd was the one that I knew better than anyone else here. He really was a friend to me, and his being gone is a big huge part of the whole bit I've been writing about lately about friends and being a hermit, and about aging and watching people come and go (mostly go) out of my life. It's been a huge loss for me, and I couldn't even write about here.

Part of what made his passing so difficult for me is that the memorial was held two weeks later, while I was in Boston for my grandmas's 90th birthday celebration back in early April. I heard that almost the whole neighborhood was there, and that it was very moving. I also heard that his family showed up, and that most of them didn't have a clue what kind of person he was. I heard they were blown away to hear about his generous heart.

Anyhow, to the memorial I sent along the photo of Lloyd I had just taken, and everyone loved it because it really is how most of us knew him, I it might have been the most recent photo of him. I also sent him a card with an Irish joke on it.

I'm getting all choked up.

Anyhow, when I got home from Boston, his closest buddy from the neighborhood had left me this photo of him.

I had it tucked away for awhile, but it's been on my altar for the last couple of weeks.

I really want to keep the things I learned from him close to my heart.

I am missing him.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

snaps on saturday


I just did my 17 minutes of slow meditative movement (ie the pre-show), and now have close to 2 hours to kill before anybody cares about seeing me again. So I'm going to post some Snaps On Saturday for you, taken at this amazing place I went to yesterday.

Another wonderful goddess of a woman from the dance company offered to take me out for a day of girly-ness. We cruised the Los Angeles Farmer's Market and the "The Grove". The former is an institution here in LA. It's basically little stands of food and knick knacks, cheap souvenirs, etc. Built as an extension to that old time mall is the The Grove, which has things like Nordstroms, Michael Kohrs, and Anthropologie. Suuuuper strange juxtaposition, and a total blast.

The photos were taken at a shop that sells vintage items that are found in bulk at old warehouses, etc. Spaces that are being cleared out. Apparently they are well known around town with the folks who have to dress sets to match a certain period.

So here's the photos, and then below that, I would like to respond to all of the lovelies out there who took the time to comment the other day.

I love these photos so much. I have a few more, but I didn't want to bore you.
And yes, I know I find loveliness is some awfully strange things.


Okay, my darlings. I would like to thank you all so much for your love and support. Your comments meant so much to me. And not to single anyone out (but I guess I am), special thanks to Carol and the "piehole" comment, because I laughed so hard I almost spewed my post-show chocolate chip cookie all over the screen.

Ok, so hopefully this reply covers all the comments (and I know I usually do this IN the comments, but...whatever):

Yes, a good cry helped, and yes I put a lot of myself into this. A whole lot. It's almost beyond measure.

Thanks for the hugs.

Yes, I am calmly and easily aware that I do deserve more. (not sure if that makes sense, but I do at times doubt what I deserve, and I do sometimes have to get worked up about it...I am doing neither of these things, and this is good).

I didnt tell her to shut her piehole, nor did I tell her that I charge $50 an hour. But I DID tell her that I charge $20 a night, but that I am not working this week or next.

I love you too, and yes I am dancing!!! And it is beautiful! The 6 minutes that I DO dance is really amazing and every night audience has met me post show to tell me how something has moved in them. THAT erases EVERYTHING. (almost LOL)

More thanks for more hugs.

Yes, I am in my van, and yes, childcare should have been arranged. I am actually now coming to understand that this woman was told to bring her kids because certainly it would all work out. As it turns out, not one person I have spoken to has thought having kids in the dressing room is a good idea. The cast should have been asked before this woman was told it was okay. Or a babysitter should have been arranged for.

Thanks for more hugs!!

I totally agree about the in writing part. TheMIG said the same exact thing. I don't think I will ever get that in this company though. And tonight I had another verbal agreement broken, which I'm not even going to get into. I'm really needing to reflect.
So yeah, I don't agree with the kids being there, and I know I am feeling a bit bad that the kids are getting the raw end of the deal. But you may see me watching the kids before the week is out. NOT for this woman. NOT for the kids. But for my cast members, the ones who are ALL on stage while these kids are backstage alone, potentially making a racket and ruining THEIR show. I'm not sure that I can allow that to happen to them. Thankfully, the kids are not here tonight, like they were supposed to be...and I'm not sure wtf that means, but if they DO show up, I can't let them ruin the show for other people who have put so much time into it.

I'm not mad at myself. I am sad for making a poor choice, but I have no self anger about it at all. I'm kind of in the "once, shame on you...twice, shame on me" phase, but it's, a bit milder than angry I am pleased to report.

Yes, Sabah Ensemble bellydance tour. I think we might just need to do it.

And thanks for even MORE hugs!!

Ok, it's time for me to go do some stretching and warming up and getting ready for the stage.

TheMIG is down for the weekend. Huge bonus. The Great Stabilizer, he is ;-) I have a day off tomorrow (yay!) and we will get to have some fun before I take him back to the airport.

XOXO!! I appreciate you all so much.

Friday, July 18, 2008

may i suggest....

It's not often that I go pimping a product around these parts, but forgive me as I turn into an infommercial.

One of the things I missed about my old house (okay, maybe the only thing I missed about my old house), was that I had a 4 foot wooden rod hung up in the laundry room that I could use for air drying my clothes. See, I like to air dry my clothes. They don't shrink, they don't fade, and it's much better on the ol' energy bill, and is just an outright "greener" way to do things. When I moved to the new house, I struggled with how to recreate that without making the laundry room inaccessible.

I absolutely cannot stand those wooden accordian racks. They are cumbersome, don't store well, and don't hold enough clothing for me. I looked at getting a swing-arm sort of contraption that would mount to the wall or over a door, and would given only about 12" of hanging space.

That is when I found this:

It's called a "HangAway", and I bought mine at QVC (shut up), for $22 plus S&H (where you can also buy two of them for $39.78). I only bought the one, but if I had I house full of kids, I'd consider a house full of these things, because I love it so. I've been using it for over a year now.

Look at it fully loaded:

That's an entire load full of laundry there. Dresses, skirts, shirts, pants, plus a few unmentionalbes ;-) It is rated to hold up to 50 lbs, and it has a total of about 36" in drying space between the three arms. The thing is never tippy, and I can even move it around a bit by reaching through the clothes and picking it up by the center rod.

When I'm done with it, I can fold it down and stick it in the closet. It folds up like an umbrella. Very easy. Two push buttons, one top, one bottom.

Of course, it certainly doesn't hurt that it matches the yellow of my laundry room.

Being that it is portable, I can dry clothes outside if I want to. I also plan to use it for putting clothes out at the garage sale. I think this could also be a great solution for a vendor that sells hanging items at fairs and what not.

Of course, it slices, and dices, too.
And if you act now, and we'll send you.........


This post was created 7/8 and is set to auto-post during the two weeks while I am out of town/on tour!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

things around my house (with a side of emotional vomit)

This is being posted real-time (seems like I should shout "hooray!!" about that, but the circumstances that created free time for me are a real "boo-hiss", imho. Read on.).

For starters, let me do a quick Things Around My House Thursday. It IS Thursday, and even though I am not in my "house", I AM in my home away from home.

This is the little altar I have set up in the van. It's a statue of Quan Yin, along with a postcard photo of a monk I met a couple of months ago, and a prayer shawl he blessed for me. I will be posting something about my visit with him in the next week or so.

Now, bringing things current. And it's emo. So I'm not going to edit much after I type it because if I do, I will censor it. If you are new here, that means: pardon the typos, and the things that don't make sense, because this is all process writing ;-)

Things were cruising along pretty damn good, except for a few minor issues... like falling and obtaining a huge bruise on my ass, and frequent misunderstandings with another member of the company. But I did find the yarn store (OH. MY. GOD.---amazing) and I did find a super fantastic co-op health food store with a deli just a couple of blocks from the theater.

I also found my way through the new sections I was added to. See, this show we're doing down here is a conglomeration of several projects. The first part of the evening is a piece called "Oust", shown in its entirety. The second section is called "Testiculish", and I have no idea if we are running all of it or just portions of it, as I have never seen it before, nor was I ever in it (as I do not have testicles). The final third of the show is a few segments from "Annica", which was a full length piece that I performed with the company 2 years ago. It is within the Annica portion of the evening, that I have a very brief solo and a lovely duet, for a total of maybe 6 minutes of dancing. I have performed this 6 minutes over and over again the past couple of years, and even though it is nothing new, it always takes a bit out of me, because a) it is performed naked, and b) the score that I dance to is someone reading text that was written about my time spent trapped in my car during the car accident. In other words, it is hard. I feel vulnerable. But it is also old hat because it isn't new, so it's beginning to develop in me this very odd sort of numb feeling.

Anyhow, here is the thing with this tour for me:

I'm not making any real money (I mean, the fee that I will collect is not even covering 1/4 of what it is costing me to put the dog in the kennel). I did not ask to be reimbursed for fuel, as I refused to carpool down so that I could take my gas guzzling covered wagon. I wanted to bring it so that I would have a place to sleep (everyone else is staying on couches or on the floor, at the director's mother's house. No hotel reimbursement.) There are also the other "living on the road" expenses. Eating out often, etc.

There there are also the non-financial expenses. Things that I can't even put a price tag on, really. My love. My creative energy. My time (well, maybe I could put a tag on that, but if at this point I'm not getting paid even close to what I believe I am worth if I do that math). I have also called in all my chips with coverage for MyFavoriteKid so that I can be down here for 2 weeks and focus on my work rather than focus on being a mommy, so I have basically given up any "vacation time" of my own for the whole summer.

This is an expensive trip for me in many ways. I could have taken the money and the time and gone on a trip with MyFK or TheMostImportantGuy. I could have taken the money and the time and produced a whole entire show for my own dance troupe. I could have spent the time and money renting studio space and a venue to perform some solo work.

But I elected to be here, because I planned on getting a lot out of being here. See, it was decided before our departure that I was going to be integrated into "Oust". I was given a minor role, but it included a very pretty duet I learned yesterday. I felt like I was closer to getting some creative bang for my performance buck, if you know what I mean.

And then late last night, it was determined that the piece was too busy and that sections needed to be cut.

Guess who has been "ousted" from "oust".


No, really. Guess.



So now, within this 2 hours and fifteen minutes of actual show time, I have 6 minutes about my being, "trapped in a compacted box of twisted metal" while I share my naked self to the world, and it has cost me hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and hundreds and hundreds of hours.

(oh, and I should add that another mother in the company who DID bring her two kids along, is now wanting me to babysit her kids while SHE is on stage, since I now have so much idle time on my hands and I am the only other mom in the company, so am therefore the most qualified).

When I got the news about the cuts, I went off to snivel about it for a good ten minutes or so, but then I ending up crying for two hours. I talked with the director, and a little pre-show installation has now been created for me to do as people go to their seats. It is very beautiful, but it so sparse that I cannot sink my teeth into at all. I am literally sitting on a box with my back to the audience facing the wall. In stillness. And then every couple of minutes, I make a very very slow, deliberate, simple, movement, which will be mirrored by another person standing behind me (someone who I am thrilled to be working with, at least). And then in between each slow simple movement, we come to stillness again for a very very long time. We repeat this for 20 minutes. It is beautiful, meditative, and perfect on stage as a pre-show installation. But, as TheMIG has just said to me via InstantMessage, it is also "dip" (his family's slang word for "unsatisfactory"). And I replied back to him that it is, "about a thousand dollars worth of dip."

I have cried about it for many hours, and it is what it is at this point, and I will find my peace with it. The interesting thing is, this is a repeat lesson. This has happened before, and I keep coming back for more. There is something very magical about the work that we do, and I always want to experience more of it because it is so good. But it is at a tremendous cost, and the scale is just too tipped. I do hope that I have learned this time. I really need to make some changes about how I negotiate my role, and I really need to make some better decisions about putting my energy into places that will bring me the most opportunity to create.

I'm okay. Sad. But okay. Okay. Maybe not so okay. :-(

First show is tonight. Everyone else (but me...let's push another button, why don't we) is rehearsing and I am not needed for HOURS. I am in my van typing this (I am getting a signal out here! If I sit near the window! And lean to the left!). And I will be knitting some soon, just to keep my sanity. I have been here at the theater since 11:30, and have been sitting around in a holding pattern waiting to run the 6 minutes I am in (it's now after 4).
Love to you all, and I'll post more soon.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

new to the collection

....another t-shirt that once again proves the fact that I am one of most un-PC gimps in blogland...

....but at least I have a sense of humor ;-)

Purchased from T-Shirt Hell.

This post was created 7/8, and is being posted while I am on tour and with limited internet access. There may be a delay in my response to comments.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

picture meme

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd’s mosaic maker.

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name.

bonnie, potatoes, pinole valley, sky blue, Adrien Brody, white russian, machu piccu, chocolate, a kid, love itself, submissive, amputeehee
photo credits:
1. Cinnamon Bonnie, 2. Monsieur Patate / Mister Potato, 3. 2001-Pinole-Tree, 4. Just hanging around, 5. Just walk, 6. Sometimes we are scared, 7. Machu Piccu, 8. Rosie & Buster Brown, 9. Of Earth And Sea And The Oceans Free, 10. Some like it hot, 11. "I Am Cute And Submissive", 12. Return of the Amputee Clown!


(ganked from Kerry's blog a long time ago--thanks!)

this post was created 6/13 and saved 'til now 'cuz I'm on tour!

Monday, July 14, 2008


Ganked awhile back from both Donna & Rachel, I don't remember who first!

Your Slogan Should Be

Theamput. First Man, then Machine

When I typed in my real first name, the slogan was:
"Stronger than Pain."

(typed up 6/28, delayed posting for you here 'cuz I'm on tour!!)

Sunday, July 13, 2008

southward ho.

Last night when I thought "southward ho" I giggled, thinking of me calling out "Westward Ho!" from my little covered wagon, but heading south because I already live as west as I can get.

And of course TheMostImportantGuy giggled and called me the Southward Ho.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

packing. knitting. packing. knitting.


First I packed up MyFavoriteKid so he could head off for two weeks with his dad and grandparent.

Then I packed up RileyTheDogDogDog so he could be sent to jail (oops, sorry...I mean Wine Country Pet Resort). I'm sure they will take great care of him, but I am soooo sad and worried that he's thinking I am returning him to the shelter.

Then I packed myself up for two weeks of a working vacation. I head out tomorrow morning.

Here's some knitting content, just for kicks and giggles. I have completed two socks. Typical for a one legged person, they aren't from the same pair.

I had started the brown ones awhile back, but put them aside to work on the burgundy ones, as they have a time limit. I will be completing both entire pairs.

The brown ones should have been for TheMostImportantGuy, but unfortunately it's turned out a bit too tight for him, so when they are done, they will need a new recipient. They are a plain ol' vanilla sock knit out of Cafe Au Lait from Keegan Lane Yarns.

The burgundy ones are Dream In Color Smooshy (colorway In Vino Veritas) and the pattern is 9 to 5 Socks. I am knitting them along with a group I met on Ravelry called "San Francisco One Sock A Month". I got the first one done in June, and I am working my way through the second one now, which is supposed to be done by the end of July. Cool group, as we meet in person, as well as online. I made the June meet up, but sadly I have to miss July's as it is tomorrow, and I will be on the road!

I also have one more sock almost done, and it's a doozie. It's a yoga/pilates sock (ie no heel, no toes--so you can grip the mat), but it's an over the knee sock. I've never done anything other than crew length. This is my first time with calf shaping. I have about an inch left to go, and when I'm done I'm going to wear it to death through the rehearsals and shows to keep my muscles from going all wonky. I'll take a pic when it is done, and hopefully I will have internet access so I can share it.

Here's a little tease for now.

That was taken a week or so ago, just before I started the shaping. The yarn is "The Hills Are Alive", and is part of Sock Yarn Cinema, from Knit It Up!.
More on that when they're done.

Have a good weekend!

Friday, July 11, 2008

see a penny...pick it up....

...all day'll have good luck...

Ok, so what kind of luck do I get from finding a buffalo head nickel?

Found it today. I'm hoping it's a good omen.

Tomorrow I pack, Sunday I drive.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

total cop out

It's Things Around My House Thursday, and I just got home from dance class, and it's almost midnight. I'm trashed. It just aint gonna happen.

When I finally arrived home, I was greeted by the cutey patooty, dog....

and the pile of shredded newspaper that he'd created by eating the local doggie newspaper.

Not sure if he's got "the face" because he feels guilty for making a mess, or if he feels sickly 'cuz he ate a wad o' print.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

a memo

To: The Director of the Upcoming Dance Shows
Cc: Bob the Stage Manager

This is just a little note to let you know where to find me should I go missing during one of our rehearsals:

Hint: the theater is on 18th Street, the yarn shop is on 14th Street, and google says it's only .7 mile.

Just send out a search party to see if I am either sleeping in a corner under a pile of cashmere, or if I have perhaps passed out on the road back due to yarn fumes.

(edited to add: I might just park my van in the parking lot and sleep there. Hahahaha.)

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

tonight's a wash

I'm so busy. I've got so many things to do to get ready for going out of town for the tour. Besides packing for my own self and getting the household ends tied up, I also have to pack up MyFavoriteKid so he can go where he is going, and I have to pack up Riley the DogDogDog so he can go off to the pet hotel (which I am so terribly worried about).


In between all of this, I'm trying to catch up on some blog reading. I'm so danged behind with some of y'all I'm not even sure if I will ever be able to catch up! Especially since I have no idea if I will have an internet connection where I am going, or how much free time I will have to use it. I could be buried by the time I get back.

Oh, and the blog. That is another thing. In order to keep up with Blog365, I am working on some entries that will auto-post in my absence, just in case I can't get to a computer.

So basically I am here tonight writing about "nothing", because all day long I have been writing all day about "somethings", but you don't get to read any of it right now. Ridiculous, aint it?

g'night ;-)

Monday, July 07, 2008

where for art thou?

I is blockin'....

Sunday, July 06, 2008

upcoming shows in los angeles

**warning: this advertisement is a wee bit adult-ish. Scroll at your own risk ;-) **

Below is the listing from our upcoming run at Highways in Santa Monica, CA.
I will be performing in the revisit of "Anicca", but Eric has mentioned that once we get into the theater and start rehearsing, I might be utilized somewhere within "Oust".

July 17 - 26
Thurs. - Saturdays 8:30pm $20/$15


The innovative San Francisco based dance/theater company presents an evening of boundary-pushing excerpts from their recent works.

In addition to their newest work oust (chapter 1), Dandelion is bringing from their acclaimed Undressed Project excerpts of ANICCA, the recent full-length Undressed work, and the West Coast premiere of Testiculish, a work by men of diverse body types exploring violence, sensuality, intimacy and the bizarre rituals of gender roles.

oust (chapter 1) is Dandelion’s first segment of a project that will culminate in an evening-length work to premier in 2010. The project is the third cycle of a trilogy of works by Dandelion co-director Eric Kupers, sprouting from investigations of the Buddhist “three marks of existence” teachings, which identify three essential characteristics of all phenomena: Anicca, Anatta and Dukkha (impermanence, non-self and unreliability). The first of these cycles is represented by the work ANICCA. The full-length ANICCA reveals a provocative interplay of the sensuality, complexity, vulnerability and impermanence of naked bodies. In each performance of ANICCA, local performers join Dandelion’s radically diverse ensemble onstage. For the performances at Highways, local naked performers from Southern California will participate in the Undressed Project Community Chorus.

Testiculish utilizes unusual partnering to flow through a spectrum of experiences in male/male relationships: aggressive to erotic to violent to silly to mysterious. The piece is performed in varying states of undress by dancers/musicians/actors of all sizes and shapes, with and without physical disabilities.
Buy tickets here.

If you come, make sure to say hi. Feel free to ask for me if you don't see me milling about after the show.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

snaps on saturday

Okay, this time it's really Saturday.
Here's your snapshot:

Sort of has that "family photo" feel to it, no?

L to R: Riley (as in, "Life of..."), Donna (as in, "Chaos"), and Rachel (as in, "No-Blog")

So the girls came over today for a little spinning, knitting, and Viggo I+II+III (or more widely known as The Lord of The Rings Trilogy...and the extended versions, at that!)

We started off the morning together with a brunch and started the first flick, and then Rachel had to cut out for another engagement. It's now almost 11pm here, and Donna and I are still at it. We rent right past brunch on into lunch and dinner, and we are midway through the final dvd (5 of 6).

So much fun, I am having. So nice to have people over. Thanks you guys for coming! (I suppose for Donna I should just say that out loud since she is sitting right here on the couch next to me watching the final battle of Minus Tirith ....hahaha).

Anyhow, I thought I'd best get this post in before it strikes midnight.

Hope y'all are having as good a weekend as I am!

Friday, July 04, 2008


I posted Snaps On Saturday, and IT IS FRIDAY!!!

What a dork.

Well, the photos were taken today, Friday July 4th (happy 4th, y'all)....but why I thought it was Saturday is beyond me.

Maybe more photos tomorrow then...hahahahaha.

snaps on saturday

From the garden:

sunflowers, tomatoes, squash, chive flowers, broccoli

I am very thankful that the zoom lens and the macro feature make it look like I have a lovely garden. What I really have is a friggin' jungle, and if I had a wide angle lens, you'd have a heart attack. I nearly do every time I go out there.

It's been hard for me to be out in the garden the past couple of weeks. It's either been too hot, or there is too much smoke in the air, or my back has been bothering me....but I am really enjoying being in the garden once I get out there, and the bounty is fantastic. I just need to get my butt out there early in the morning before the sun swings around, and take my time so I don't hurt myself.

One of the reasons why the garden is a jungle is because the planting itself was not done by me. It was done by some "experienced" people I hired. They took note of our likes and dislikes, and then planted away. I think they were going for productivity per square inch or something. There is wayyyyy too much stuff here. Too much to eat, too much for me to handle as a beginning gardener, and too much for the plants to be happy (I think. At least that's my hunch).

The good news? I am learning so much! It's pretty true that the plants talk to you. I can totally see what is happy growing where. I can see what mistakes the "experienced" people made in choosing locations for certain things, and I can see the mistakes I've made since they've been gone (ummm, like trying to cage an already overgrown tomato plant?? duh). I can also see what things I will actually make use of. I mean, they planted a whole row of shiso leaf. Neato, but wtf???!!! (hey, any ideas on that? Shiso Pesto or something?? I've only ever rolled it into sushi.)

Even though I plan on tinkering with a winter garden when the summer haul is over (I can hardly wait to try growing brussel sprouts!!), I think that it is next summer that I'll be having the real fun. Even though I'm dealing with the Attack of The Killer Tomatoes this year, these raised beds will be here for years to come, and I'm actually looking forward to it.

I am a bit worried about what the garden is going to look like when I come home after being gone for two weeks (in the peak of July, no less). It's on a drip system, so it should be okay waterwise, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if the whole backside of my house is swallowed up by pole beans and zucchini.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

things around my house thursday, 23 of 52

I still have a thing or two on the walls to show, but yesterday I promised to show where I keep my yarn, and I'm actually quite busy knitting with it at the moment, so that is all I am going to show today.

Things Around My House Thursday, #23 of 52

The yarn closet.

Okay. So if you've been following along, the bookcase on the right there is the one in my bedroom that has the books arranged by color. I've had that bookcase since 1994 and it was given to me by a neighbor who was moving and didn't want it in their new home. On top of the bookcase are 3 white containers, that I scored at Ikea in the damaged section for $1 each. One of them holds a vase of yarn. I love that. Skeins don't die like flowers, and are far more inspirational.

This whole bookcase set up runs alongside the side of the bed that TheMostImportantGuy sleeps on when he comes to visit, and so that is why at the foot of the bed, you see a "personal valet" there. I wanted him to always have a nice place to hang his stuff (another awesome find, $10 at a thrift store).
You can see the bed, but that is a reflection of it in the mirror, because I have a triple wide closet with mirrored doors. It basically takes up one whole wall of the room. One of these days I need to show you the inside of the closet, because it is truly a wonder to behold. It's one of those fancy built-in closet systems with the pull out drawers and all that jazz, and there is even a set up in the middle of it for the tv, it is so big. But more on that another day.

So the right hand portion of this big closet, is where I keep my stash. On the bottom shelf there is some knitting magazines and patterns. There is another space underneath the mags (you can't see it in the photo, sorry), and that is where I store my needles, plus my swift and ballwinder. Inside the three big boxes (plus the two little boxes at the top) are the yarn.

It's a lot of yarn. And it was so full I couldn't fit anything else in there. I've pulled out some stuff to pass along, and I've reorganized. I still have a few issues in there I need to deal with, mostly deciding what to do with the UFO's (UnFinishedObjects). Meanwhile, while I'm pondering that, I will be working on taking photos of the yarn and getting them uploaded into my Ravelry account so I can keep track of it. Or be able to look at it without having to open a box. Kinda silly, in a way, for one who is so kinesthetic like me.

Anyhow, like I said yesterday, the photographing an online filing probably wont happen until I'm back from being on tour out of town visitors have come and that would mean late August, I suppose.

Meanwhile, I'm very busy knitting away on some stuff, so I'm going to sign out and get back at it!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008


It's been about a year since moving into the new house, and I've decided that I'm going to get in the habit of an annual purge. I know I did a massive unload just before moving here, but it is pretty amazing to see what I am capable of amassing in twelve months. It's not out of control or anything, but I sure can see how not purging annually would lead me right back to the same mess I was in.

So far I have found some doozys. Like way too many bottles of old and gunked up nailpolish. Or bottles under the bathroom sink with only a bit of conditioner left because I'd ran out of the partnering shampoo. Oh, and the clothes. Why I hang onto things I have stained or ripped and can't (or wont) fix, I will never understand. Got rid of those.

I'm just doing a tiny little bit everyday this summer so it doesn't get overwhelming. One day, one drawer. Or just going through the skirts, save the shirts for the next day, stuff like that.

Today was a wee bit massive though. At some point this year, my stash of yarn exceeded the space I had allowed myself to store it in (dang, I should have taken a pic of my yarn closet in the light of day for you---I will do that tomorrow and make it part of "things around my house", how 'bout that?). Anyhow, I'm not carving out more space in this house for yarn. Period. I have enough. Really, I do (although when I went through it all, I had surprisingly less sock yarn than I believed I had).

I have a bag full of yarn that I have to decide how best to part with. A de-stash bag. I frogged a few things, I rewound a couple of messed up skeins. I reorganized how the stash was sorted, and labeled the bins, as they aren't see through. It was all neatly put away by the end of the afternoon, but before the summer is out, I plan to take it all back out again, photograph it, and get it loaded up into my Ravelry account. I'd like to do that as soon as possible, like say, tomorrow....but I don't want to get so sucked into that task that I don't finish the purge of the rest of the house. I also don't want to be so busy fondling my yarn that I don't get the things done that I need to do before heading out of town.

Anyhow, my entire bedroom and master bath have been purged now, except my jewelry box. That's a breakfast in bed on a weekend sort of fun thing to do, I think. It always kinds of reminds me of sitting on the bed with my Grammy when I was little and her letting me try things on, and then her giving me a piece or two of costume jewelry.

I would have to say that the big bummer for the purging is going to be the garage. It's become the catch-all, when I can't figure where else to put stuff, and it has gotten out of control. I don't think I will be able to adequately tackle that until I come home from the tour, though. It's a friggin' mess, and is going to take a whole day of my attention.

It's feeling really good to do this in small bits, and it feels even better to do it before it's 3-5 years down the road and the job is much bigger and more overwhelming. I don't ever want to end up in that mess again.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

i don't do this all that often....

...but I'm telling you, you should see this movie:

I saw a preview for it when it was in the theaters and I totally dismissed it as being some stupid comedy about a guy with a blow-up doll for a girlfriend. I am so thankful that I saw a second preview for it elsewhere just as it was being released onto dvd, because it was the second look at it that made me curious enough to rent it.

It has funny moments for sure, but it's not a comedy in the way the trailers portray it. It is really about a guy who has trouble relating to people, and how the doll becomes the conduit for how he processes his issues, and how the whole scenario has a way of integrating himself into his community. It was extremely moving, and every time I felt like it was just about to go over the top, it pulled back or sideways or something, and made for pleasurable movie watching tension.

Oh, and if you are a knitter?? You have to at least watch it for all the hand knits in the movie. From the very first scene, I was saying to myself, "Someone made that. That is hand knit." (ok, so I probably said that out loud and drove TheMostImportantGuy nuts, but at least I wasn't in the theater). There is even a scene in the movie with actual knitting action.

This movie is definitely going on my list of all time faves.