Monday, July 21, 2008

more on lloyd

I totally forgot that yesterday was the day the "Lloyd" post was to go up. I had written it in so many separate chunks, and over so many days, I wasn't even sure I could remember exactly what I had written, to be honest with you! I just reread the post, and was bummed to discover that I had forgotten to add the second photo of him.

This snapshot was waiting for me on my doorstep when I came home from the trip to Boston, where I was when I missed Lloyd's memorial. A neighbor had made a copy for me.

Man, do I miss him. What an amazing person.

Even though I'd forgotten about which day the post was going up, I haven't stopped thinking about how Lloyd hardly ever complained about anything.

I have learned something about myself this tour, and that is that sometimes I realllllly need to kvetch. Like, out loud. It's almost as if I cannot stop myself, and it is almost like it is a huge part of my being able to process something and put it behind me. I have been keenly aware of my complaining about all things great and small, and then being almost immediately able to let them go. Like I can't have a catharsis without whining or bitching or something.

Now if I could just do some of that in my head instead of out loud, perhaps.

I don't know. In thinking about Lloyd, the exact polar opposite of me in the complaint area, it's making me wonder about things. Like, if I were to quit complaining, would I still be able to be genuine? I don't want to be fake, I know that for sure. I've already done that (in my youth), pretending all is okay when it clearly is not. Is the trick just to complain less? Or to only complain about the really important things? Like, stopping complaining about the small stuff?? And how then can I differently process things?? I mean, I know for sure that I do not want to run into a situation that drives me batshit and then internalize it and never work it out. But how can I work it out and have less of an impact on the ones stuck listening to me? But it seems like talking and venting is almost a required part of my mental make-up, and I wonder if there is another way to do it that doesn't involve having people to hear my big whining kvetching mouth.

Ahhhh, my brainfarts. You love them, no?

Anyhow, I actually have another night off. The director of the company is teaching a "Healing the Body Through Naked Dance" workshop, and he asked for as many of us as possible to participate, but I just don't feel up to it. I can't force myself to give another ounce of myself in that direction at this point.

And I just realized that when I told him I wasn't going to do it, that I didn't complain to him or anybody else when I did it.
Maybe just asking myself all of these questions of myself this week will cause me to grow.

I'm going to hang out in my SuperVan and knit and watch dvd's like a sloth instead. Woohoo!
'Night ;-)


~Donna~ said...

KNitting sloth powers - ACTIVATE!!!! Tonight I sew. :)

Carrie said...

Mmmm, that wounds like a very relaxing evening. And if I had to participate in naked dance, it possibly would help my diet A LOT!

Great picture of Lloyd. I'm glad you showed it. I don't know about the complaining habits, but you've got me thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

For me the issue seems to be acknowledgement. If I _fully_ acknowledge to myself how I feel - which can sometimes involve muttering to myself, or even finding a private place and making loud, firm statements - I don't always have to tell someone else. Good luck with it.