Thursday, September 16, 2010

it's really a question

This is going to seem like whining. And I'm sure that if it looks like whining, and it sounds like whining...than it probably IS whining....but I's really a question.

Let's start here:
I would not describe myself as the type of person who gives with the expectation of receiving. I am not the tit-for-tat type, I am not a score-keeper, and I do not believe that just because I do something for you, that you should do something for me.

Sort of.

It would appear however, that what I AM is the type of person who holds onto the belief that, "what goes around comes around." I do not believe the coming and going needs to come from the same place, at the same rate, or at the same time. Apparently at some point in my life, I developed this belief system that what you put out, comes back.

I do not believe I am the only one with this belief system.
I do not even believe I am the only one who is *attached* to this belief system.

The problem at this point, is that my attachment to this belief system is becoming a huge issue, because it's just that: a belief system. It is not a REAL system, it is not a scientifically proven system, and even if it WERE a system, it is most definitely not the system my life has be running on for ages now. For a good long while now, almost every area of my life has been plagued with my putting out tons and tons of effort and care and loving-kindness, and it just sorta going out there into outer space. Nothing bounces back. Not even an echo.

I'm not sure if y'all can relate.

It's happening in every area of my life, and in almost every relationship (even right now to the pets). It's a trip. I give, I give, I give....I get bupkiss. (I do get some things...but I almost always have to ask or push for it, it aint just flowin').

So there is something wrong with the dynamic. Or with me. Or with my beliefs. Or (more than likely) with my attachment to my beliefs.

So, it's a question. It might be a question without a question mark, but it's still a question just the same.

I'm now heading off for a 3-day practice session at the zen center, so I'm sure while I am staring at the floor, my mind will have plenty of time to go 'round in circles about it.

Sent (with love) from my iPad



Your belief system doesn't operate on a schedule. I think positive actions spawn positive reactions. In their own time.

Margaret in Ontario said...

Thoughts about this system... What if the giving you're doing now is actually you paying back for kindnesses etc that you have already received? That is, it sounds like you are assuming that your deeds or giving or whatever are the first ones in this give-out-and-then-get-back equation, but what if it's the other way around? As sure as your giving is part of someone else's get-back, your get-back is part of someone else's giving. I'll hazard a guess that there have been people who have given to you at some time in your life; maybe this giving of yours now is actually you catching up, not initiating something new. Or rather, you are initiating something new AS WELL AS giving back for past kindnesses, because, as you say, it's not about keeping score and giving back to the same person who gave to you, tidily, in equal measure. It's a cycle, a great big messy complicated one, with everyone giving and getting simultaneously.

Kathy said...

That's a tough one. Maybe the belief "system" needs to be reexamined? I feel like I've been through some of this too. We all have these weird belief "systems". I have this "system" that involves people who I am helping cooperating with me. And I get really pissed off when they don't or change their minds. What's that about? Good luck with your exploration.

The Bon said...

I sometimes feel like I give and give and give too, and don't get back sometimes and it can be super frustrating. Especially when I see other people who are full of negativity get nothing but good. And then I have to remind myself not to be petty and jealous.

(If I'm a relationship that you feel you're not getting in return, I apologize. I fully admit that right now I don't have a lot to give outside of my immediate family, but I'll try harder to make extra to give back to you.)

Janice in GA said...

I pretty much feel the way that you do, with this exception: like @fuzzarelly says, it doesn't usually happen on a human-recognizable schedule. It might take years, or it may never happen where WE can see it.

The best thing I can think of to do is try to do good and hope for the best.