Sunday, November 25, 2007

the home stretch

25 down, 5 to go. Thank goodness, eh?

Well, for those following along, apology accepted. What a relief. I was so very sad. It pains me to no end put distress and displeasure on the face of someone I love so much.

That's actually somewhat new to me, I am sorry to say. Up until I few years ago, I used to be such a button pusher.

I grew up in a family that sort of thrived on chaos and emotional upheaval. I don't expect all relations to be a perfect happy-go-lucky thing, and I don't try to hide strong feelings when I have them (but I would like to learn to present them better). But my family of origin?? They didn't only believe that a little upset was normal--no--they believed that upset and anger and chaos were some of the very things that made life exciting and vibrant. I remember as a kid being stressed by situations and be told, "Awww, c'mon!! Wouldn't life be BORING without shit happening??" (okay, they didn't say shit...but you get the gist).

It's taken me a very long time to get it through my thick skull that I do not have (or want to have) that belief system, and that just because it is the belief system I grew up in, it is not mine. I actually really LIKE an anger free environment, thank you very much. But I have more practice with chaotic environments than I do with calm ones, so sometimes I fuck up and make a mess out just out of habit.

Anyhow, all is quiet on the western front again here, and handknitted warmth for him still comes from my hands.

fuzzy feet #2, in progress

(ed. to add: Ya' know, I just tucked myself into bed to knit the last of this second slipper, and was thinking about this post. I do not want to give the impression that my folks suck ass. They do not. Chaos still happens (their motto of it being exciting sure hasn't changed any), but it is less frequent, and in spite of it, I just love them bunches. I see my parents at least twice a week, and wouldn't exchange it for anything. The time with them is very special to me, and I am so glad I have such a close relationship with them. HOWEVER, that family chaos that I mentioned above??...that was real...and it was during my formative years. It therefore made a huge and lasting impression on me. Does that make sense? I hope so. 'Cuz I want it to be clear that I learned some things during that era that I want to unlearn, but all of my experience makes me who I am today, and today I am person who loves her family and appreciates every moment she has with them. And I'm not just saying that so they'll bail me out the next time I blow up my oven).


Mouse said...

*cheers from the sidelines* 5 more posts.. 5 more posts!!

(formerly) no-blog-rachel said...

Glad to hear everything's ok. And I love the slippers! I made 6 pairs of the same pattern last Christmas - for freakin' just about everyone but me. Hmmm...have to do something about that.

Kim Ayres said...

There have been times I've learned to surf the chaos rather than be swamped by it, but these days all I really want is a nap...