in my ears.....

This is what I've been listening to in the car for the last few days.
band: múm
album: YESTERDAY WAS DRAMATIC - TODAY IS OK

(go ahead, listen)
(try it. you'll like it.)
(it will make a great soundtrack for what you are about to read)
(it's what I was listening to when I wrote it, so it will be a "like minds moment" sort of thing, yah??)
(by the way...i love parenthesis!)


Sorry to be vague yesterday with the "Dumpsville" post, but sometimes it doesn't make sense to vent on a blog when you are exhausted and don't have time to edit, especially when the thing you are venting about could potentially involve people that might just be readers of your blog (I know my co-teacher KarenTheDancingLurker has been getting an earful of this for a good long while, so I don't believe anything here is new news to her, at least).
I'm getting it all out here tonight, though.
Apparently there is no keeping this in.

What had me down in the dumps yesterday is the fact that I am still trying to work through something that I have been trying to sort out for months now:
I need to fix my creative life in relation to dance.

Let's be honest here.
I am not happy what I am doing.
I have not enjoyed co-directing the present dance ensemble in quite awhile.
Not only is teaching and directing not feeding me creatively, it has now moved into the category of sucking the creative lifeblood right out out of me.
A couple of months ago, I set some very clear boundaries with my students and the ensemble, boundaries that I needed to be in place so that I could continue to even consider continuing to teach this class and create performances with this troupe.
These boundaries were communicated, understood, and accepted by the troupe.
In the last several weeks, every boundary that I had set has been crossed.
I do not believe any of them are out to spite me, and I am sure they'd tell you that none of the pain they are causing is intentional...but it really presents itself as if it's coming from a place of not caring, of disrespect, and of self-centeredness.
I can't continue to give so much of myself into this sort of environment.

I honestly do not know if I can continue to teach this class, and it saddens me greatly. I have been attending this class for 19 years, and I have been co-teaching it for 13 years, since our teacher died. Part of why I teach is to carry on my mentor's work. I so desperately wish she were here right now, right this minute, so that I could talk to her about all of this. She'd know exactly what to do (and it would probably involve giving the students and the entire ensemble a swift kick in the arse....but she commanded a much different level of respect, one that I am not so sure that I even come close to.)

I have been wanting to throw in the towel for months now, but I just can't seem to do it.  I worry my mentor's work will be lost. I worry about quitting and abandoning my co-teacher. I worry that I am giving up without giving it one last final push of effort to shape it into something that works for me (even though there have already been several "last efforts" already, and I keep trying "just one more thing".)  I worry about needing to deal with the fact that I strongly identify myself as a dance teacher, and if I no longer teach...then what am I? 

 
The only way I can continue to teach this class without becoming a horrible hot mess, is if I have another creative outlet for movement. If teaching this ensemble is going to going to make a hole in my soul, then I need other dance work to fill it back in again.  I need to take classes and workshops with other teachers. I need to try new things. Learn new things. Move other ways.  I need to do movement practices that inspire me. I need to work with people that are committed to working. 

The issue is this though:
there are only so many friggin'  hours in the day for me right now. As the single mom of a very active teenager, there are only so many nights a week that I can bail out of the house and take dance classes or go see performances or rehearse.  I do not believe that I can carve out any more "creative time" in my week at this juncture in my life.  Really, the best way for me to gain more creative time is to give up the many hours a week I invest in teaching my own class. 

But I keep not doing that.  I think about it. But I chicken out.

As of today, I am at least registered to take some workshops and classes over the next couple of months, even though I already do too much and I don't know how I'm going to pull it all off.  Tonight I spent time teaching MyFavoriteKid how to cook a few favorite meals so that he can be left alone for yet another night of the week on his own fending for himself.

But today I also spent several hours working on business stuff for the existing ensemble. I am supposed to be working on marketing and social network materials in an effort to reinvigorate the troupe with new students and troupe members.  It seems a little ridiculous to me on some level, to bring new members into an environment where the existing members actions are proving that they are not already on board....and it's bringing up quite a bit of anger and resentment.

I feel like I am going nuts because I am watching myself meditate and reflect upon what the clear path for me should be, and I hear myself saying what needs to happen (it's time to close a door so another can have swinging room to open), but I just don't want to do it. I don't want to give up....for the reasons I listed several paragraphs ago.... but I keep feeling like I should res-state them as if that will somehow make a difference.

I am tired.
I am tired and wilted from investing too much time in something that is bearing little fruit, or when it does bear fruit, it's bitter fruit.

And it's all moot. I can't do anything about it right now anyhow, not in peak performance season.
So I will revisit this whole issue.
Again. 
In a few weeks time.

my little assembly line project

Tomorrow is the last meeting of the high school knitting club, and they are throwing themselves a little party.
I am supplying the party favors.

These buttons were made by the wonderful Laura of Slipped Stitch Studios.  She made 50 buttons for us that say, "I knit because I am smarter than you," and another 50 that have a ball of yarn plus the name of the high school and the knitting club (ACHS Hands-In-Motion).  I don't know if she did this on accident or on purpose, but Laura even made that second button in the school colors. Woot!

Anyhow, yesterday was my little assembly line project of packing up one of each button plus some candy its own little bag.  I also made 3 gift bags that the kids are going to raffle off tomorrow. Each bag has a couple of skeins of yarn, light up knitting needles, some stitch markers, and some really really cute scissors and tape measures that all look like little cartoon-y japanese animals.

I am really proud of what the kids accomplished this year.  They set up everything up and got themselves registered as an official a campus club. They elected officers, they collected donated yarn, they held fundraisers to cover expenses, they knit for charity and tracked their time doing so as community service hours, and they taught each other to knit.  Most of the time I was just there to fix mistakes, or to bring in things I had knit for inspiration. I also showed them how to use the internet as a learning resource....because honestly, there is no way I could ever teach all 62 kids during just our weekly 30-45 minute club meetings.

The kids rocked it, and I am really proud of them and all they have accomplished, and I hope they continue next year.

a bit of a knitting diversion

Well, I really want to be working on the sweater....which I am...but only a row here, a row there. I'm also really wanting to finish the shawls I have on the needles, and I'm also now feeling like I might want to knit a few holiday gifts this year too, which I never want to do.

But I have something else I need to whack out right now. Like, right now.
More fingerless mitts, and out of this yarn....


These mitts promise to be super-duper easy and fast to knit, though. I hope.
And I must do them because these mitts are the first project chosen by the new knitters I am teaching. AT THE NEW HIGH SCHOOL!
Wooot!!

The mitts are just a simple garter stitch rectangle that will be seamed up with an opening left for the thumb. Eas-peasy. Of course I have seen this done before, and a rectangle and a little sewing does not at all require a pattern. But this designer added on a cute little strap with a button feature, and of course she had photos appealing enough to charm the girls into wanting to knit something other than a scarf (not that I'm against scarves, I just think the kids might need more instant gratification than a scarf can offer). Even their advising teacher, who is my age, like them enough that she is going to try to learn how to knit!

The girls picked this as their first project together to learn on, but from there they have some big ideas. You see, they are going to be knitting as a way to satisfy their required community service hours. They are going knit things for charity. Or knit things to sell to raise money to donate to charity. Neato, eh?! Knitting to satisfy a school requirement??? How cool is that?! And in the process they will be forming a new school club, complete with officers and voting, too.
Fun :-)


So, today's meeting was scheduled with very short notice, and it was arranged to be during the free-period the kids get once a week to go to the library or to go get tutoring help from the teachers of whatever classes they are having the most difficulty with. A few of the kids that wanted to join us today could not because they had to go to a classroom instead. There should be more kids coming to next meeting which will be during a lunch period, though.

Three kids made it today, but that's perfect because none of them have knit before. I taught them the long-tail cast-on, and we sadly ran out of time to even start knitting! But I left with links to knitting videos and "these kids today" are so used to being on the internet I am hoping they'll give it a try until our next meeting. I'm hoping they will all be joining Ravelry so we can get a group going there, too. If I can get these first three knitters going a bit ahead of the next batch of kids, they'll be able to help the next wave of kids. I brought yarn and needles for all of them. I'm happy to do that for the first go-round, but then we're going to have to start looking for yarn donations.

So, the girls so far:

We have one girl who started off so shy she could barely talk...and then I realized she is one of the school cheerleaders (and so she's usually yelling, right?!). Once she got yarn in her hands, she loosened up substantially. Of the three, she had the most difficulty learning the cast-on (maybe because she's a lefty, but I've taught lefties before), but once she got going, she was on a roll! She was the first one to get all of her stitches cast-on. She was worried about what some of her friends were going to think about her joining club, but I am so positive that once their friends see the mitts, they are all going to be wanting a pair.

The second girl is the water girl at the football games, bringing squirt bottles out onto the field and such. It seemed like she got a little discouraged at first that it wasn't coming to her intuitively, but was happy to hear it's something you have to learn to do, like most other things in life. Then she perked back up and she got it. Like TheCheerleader, she also seemed a bit concerned about what other people would think, but she also had the greatest ideas about things that could be done with knitting (she wants to knit a bunch of snowflakes to hang down from the ceiling for their winter dance) and she was already forming a list of cool things she'd like to make. Her grandmother knits and lives locally (bonus!), and the last thing she said before she left the room was, "I'm so excited to be learning this. My grandmother is going to be so happy."
Indeed :-)

The last girl I haven't quite got a pulse on. I have a feeling she's more in the straight-A student crowd, and maybe a bit by the books. When the advising teacher asked who would be willing to fill out the application to have a campus club, she was the first (and it seemed only) one that offered. She picked up the long tail cast-on right away. And whenever the other two would comment that they were embarrassed to knit in front of their friends, she was the first to say something like, "Whatever for? I'm going to knit wherever I want. Who cares." Yay! I agree, sister! I told them about going to Sock Summit and how all the "cool kids" are knitting (and backed it up with proof on Ravelry LOL). But as we were leaving, when the WaterGirl said her grandma was going to be so happy she was knitting, StraightA said, "I'm not going to show my parents." Hmmm! Curious! I wonder what that is all about! I didn't have time to ask what that meant, but now I am dying to know! I'll have to ask next time. I'm hoping that maybe it just means she wants to wait to surprise them with a really cool FO (Finished Object, for the muggles).

There was one other attendee at our meeting, at that was the advising teacher. Who I ADORE. MrsG used to be at the Middle School and MyFavoriteKid had her classed for a full year. She is one of the best teachers I have ever known. She's so great that when I was trying to prove to the kids that knitting is current and awesome by showing the kids some yarn bombing photos, the teacher immediately whispered loudly, "Oh my god! That is SO cool! We need to do that around the school!!"
Huzzah!

Anyhow, MrsG said she'd like to try to learn to knit, but that she'd tried to learn once before, and she failed (maybe because she chose a queen sized afghan as her first project---even I might fail that!) She also said that she doesn't have a creative bone in her body at all (which of course I do not believe for a minute). But then she tells me that her husband, who also works at the high school (and who MyFK also had in middle school), laughed at her when she said she was going to help the kids set up their knitting club and that she was also going to learn.
He laughed!
WELL!
After school she and I went straight into his room and told him that he'd better watch it or he was destined to never get anything warm or fuzzy. From either of us! Ever.

We all laughed.

And I will teach her.
In fact, she's my pet project ;-)