the cold shoulder

Last night MyFK was reading an email from his Nana (my mom). She was reminding him that the Olympics start this weekend.

WHAT?!?! Already?!?!?

Now, I don't know HOW I got it in my head that Opening Ceremonies were February 16th (maybe because the Olympics are 16 DAYS long??)....but they do NOT start the 16th. They start THIS Friday THE 10TH. Ack! I am supposed to start knitting the shawl in less than 4 days!

The thing is, I thought I had a week or so to knock out a pair of socks. My plan was to knit the socks MyFK has been begging me for...he has much smaller feet than TheMIG's, and I'm making him spiral-socks anyhow (it's a kind of tube sock). Kinda bending the rules on the "pair of socks a month thing", but whatever. I dont think I have time to knit them now. In fact, I am certain I don't. So either I need to knit two pairs next month to keep up with my resolution, or I have to address the fact that resolutions are resolutions no matter what the resolution (made to be broken, in my opinion), and give up on it.

So at the very least I've scurried and finished the "something to keep my shoulders warm"

Sally Melville's Knit Round Scarf from her Knit Stitch book...in Noro Silk Garden, color 226

I figured I'd better get it done and put the needles down Tue-Thu and get my house clean. I have a feeling not much is going to get done around here after that.
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comments....

Diana: ummmmmmm, you stick to torts, I'll stick to tortes. But you know I'm going to be calling you to help me decipher the legal-eze soon. And if you need to know what a bain marie is, I gotcha covered *wink*.

Sara: that is very good advice *smile* ....and YES, older is definitely proving to be much better than bleeding out on the side of the road. For sure. So far, actually, everything has proven to be much better than that (thanks for reminding me). I am thankful for every day I have. Even if it's my birthday and I have to flush my arm down the toilet 20 times to rescue a bracelet. teehee

jodi: thank you for the birthday wishes! I thought my 30's were going to be great, and while it has mostly been great, it's been a rollercoaster. My girlfriends who are 40+ tell me I'm in for a treat. And YES...I rescued the bracelet. That photo was of the soggy thing back on my wrist where it belongs.

Anonymous (the devotee): thank you for being brave enough to post (even if anonymously).

happy birthday to me

A couple of decades ago, when my birthday would roll around, it would be my "birthday week" (and sometimes I'd really milk it, and it would be more like my "birthday month"). Total party girl, was I. For me, birthdays are the most important holidays (not just my birthday, but everyone's).

Today I am 39.

Sure seems an awfully lot closer to 40.

MyFK is was at his grandparents overnight last night, and TheMIG is very busy getting ready to go on tour.... so I woke up alone.
Not a bad thing (peace and quiet in this house is a rare thing), but I dont think it was a good match for me today.

Yesterday, pre-birthday happiness came in the form of members of Dandelion singing a beautiful rendition of "Happy Birthday" to me. And then my partner for the duet we are rehearsing guessed me to be 28. That totally made my day...

...until TheMIG says "....and tells her she looks 10 years younger than she is on her b-day ... that's on page 22 of the Guy Manual".
He's probably right.
Maybe on page 23 they should have put "if your female partner is told she looks young for her age, agree with the commentor."

The 2nd thing I did after waking (and visiting the little girl's room) was to blow my nose and toss the tissue in the loo. In that same tossing moment, the jump ring of one very important bracelet


broke, and the bracelet flew into, and sank to, the depths of my toilet.

So the first 20 minutes of my birthday were spent alone, and cold, on the bathroom floor, trying desperately and with much frustration and disgust, to fish out the important bracelet.

*sigh*

Let's hope the rest of my day goes better.

Today I'm going to the Renaud-Wilson Dance Festival. I'm helping out by volunteering a bit, but supposedly I'll be able to attend master classes and see the show tonight.

A full day of dance on my birthday is a wonderful thing :-)

wha-bamm! (hats and devotees)

wha-bamm #1/whip out a hat:
The other day I wanted to start knitting up that "little something to keep my shoulders warm in dance rehearsals" and I couldn't find my size 8 needles. As it turns out, they already had knitting on them. I forgot that I had started a little beanie for MyFK. Not that 9 rows is much of a start. But I wasn't about to take it off the needles. If I did that, knowing me, I'd never finish it. It would end up in a tangled mess at the bottom of some bag.
So wha-bamm!

I knit a hat. Quick knit, just a couple of hours. It looks adorable on him--you'll have to take my word for it (until I can figure out how to blur his face using photoshop or whatever). The yarn is Mission Falls 1824 and the pattern is from their "Just Kidding" pattern book.

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wha-bamm #2/catch a pervert in a lie:
At TheMIG's request, I present to you an entry I wrote the first week of January, but never posted:

devotees
TheMIG and I think lots of funny and sometimes offensive thoughts in relation to being an amputee. The(VeryWonderfully Geeky)MIG formats our silly ideas on t-shirts at café press, so that I can order them, and wear them. I like wearing t-shirts that say silly things about being a gimp. And I don't care if it's not PC. For kicks and giggles, we have decided to leave the shirts on café press so that other people can order them if they want to (and they actually do).

Within the first few months of being both an amputee and (*ahem*) fashion designer, I was warned that other amputees would probably deem our shirts not only offensive, but that the shirts could especially push the buttons of female amputees. Apparently the shirts could potentially attract “devotees”.

“Well, what, in good lord, is a devotee,” I asked when told that (because honestly, I did not know). And what’s so bad about someone being devoted?? That doesn’t sound too bad. It's maybe a term I’d normally use when describing a religious nut, but isn’t being devoted typically associated with loving-feel-good things?? Why wouldn’t I want to attract someone who would be devoted to me?

Well apparently, there are people out there with the fetish-level desire (primarily sexual, I assume) to be with an amputee. Fetishists as in like right down to seeking out amputees and stalking us. And they are called “devotees”.

I honestly thought this was a joke at first, some kind of urban legend, but I guess not (I also thought the notion that someone would have the fetish-level desire to BECOME an amputee was an urban legend as well, but apparently this is a true fact as well, and that is whole ‘nother post, probably one I will never make).

Anyhow, one night I bring up the discussion of this fetish concept at the beginning of one my dance classes, and a student of mine says, “You know, I felt like I didn’t know a thing about amputees, so I decided to do some research because I wanted to understand you better. I googled 'amputee', and the entire first page of hits were for amputee porn!”

NO WAY. I was shocked. Seriously. SERIOUSLY??!?! You have GOT to be kidding me. This could not possibly be true.
I immediately phoned TheMIG to query, and he’s like, “Oh, yeah…you could make a fortune.”
I couldn’t believe it.

Now, let me say this: I am certainly no prude. I am open minded to the extreme, and I even have a few perversions of my own. But I simply could not wrap my brain around this devotee thing. I mean, I am definitely thrilled to know that someone can accept another one’s body exactly as it is, imperfections and all, finding them erotically attractive no matter what form the body takes…and I don't have an issue of calling that kind of love or affection “devotion”. But to actually desire being with an amputee to the point of fetish??? To the point of needing to track down an amputee?? Aye aye aye. And then of course comes my next question: Why oh WHY has the amputee community decided to call these prowling fetishists “devotees"??? Doesn't that seem just a little bit FLUFFY to you??? Let’s try STALKER.

Well here for you, my friends…is the text of an IM chat that came to me yesterday (reminder: this post was drafted in January).
It is loooong. My apologies. I wanted to include the chat in it’s entirety…scroll down if you only want the punchline. But if you can stand reading the whole thing I would love to know at what point you begin to figure out that something is wrong with this picture....

I wish like hell the first line of the IM archived itself (like the entire rest of the text did), but for some reason it did not….however it was something very close to:
pieter65nl: HI! I am female RAK, 30, from Holland…and would like very much to conversation with you…would you do this?

Here is what followed:

Me: hi...how'd you get my contact information, please?
pieter65nl: i looked for blogs of other amputees and found yours!
pieter65nl: actually reading it now and I saw you have a yahoo account too...
me: great..hello...nice to meet you.
me: I was curious. There are strange people everywhere.
pieter65nl: oh yes I know... *frown*
pieter65nl: i was just reading that you are getting up on two feet again! great !
pieter65nl: how is progress? My name is Petra btw
me: Slow going. It's raining here and I am sick with a cold, so I've been inside a lot.
me: You have a blog, too?
pieter65nl: no i dont..
pieter65nl: i lost my leg 10 years ago to an accident
me: sorry to hear it, are you using a prosthesis or not?
pieter65nl: yes i am; i try to wear it most of the time
me: I'm sure I'll get there eventually.... so Holland, yes?
pieter65nl: yes, Holland Europe, not holland michigan *wink*
me: I figured. What time is there?
pieter65nl: just after midnight
pieter65nl: how long ago was your amputation and what was the reason?
me: auto accident, march 2004
pieter65nl: so very recently!
me: coming up on 2 years
pieter65nl: i was in a car accident too, and lost my leg about half thigh
me: me too
pieter65nl: its tough right....
me: what do you mean
pieter65nl: its tough often to be an amputee....both fysically and emotionally
me: oh, yes. sorry...true. sometimes it is tough. but I'm adjusting.
pieter65nl: it gets less tough over the years, less frequently that you are confronted to it so much, it becomes part of your life
me: that's what I've been told. I've been told that after awhile it just becomes an inconvenience.
pieter65nl: yeah thats right. You dont think about it anymore
pieter65nl: a prosthesis didnt work after rehab?
me: My rehab was long as I had multiple injuries. I was fit with a prosthesis about 4 months after the accident but we discovered that I needed a second operation to my limb, so I was delayed another 5 months or so. I got my first prosthesis Dec 04 and used it occasionally for about 6months, but it never really fit well. It was usually back at the doctor'soffice being adjusted.
pieter65nl: okay, i understand!
pieter65nl: i really hope that it will fit well because its so good to have your hands free
me: yes...I walked and held hands with someone New Year's Eve. It had been awhile. * smile *
pieter65nl: wonderful!
pieter65nl: is there a reason why it shouldnt work out this time?
me: My residual limb changes shape in terms of size very quickly. The second surgery left me with a lot of swelling. In the morning I would put the prosthesis on and it would be too tight, I almost wouldnt fit into it. After a couple of hours it was perfect, but by the afternoon, it was falling off of me. I would shrink.
me: but this new socket is adjustable, so I can tighten it as I shrink . I'm doing well with it, provided I can keep at it
pieter65nl: is your stump still fluctuating so much?
me: yes, quite a bit, but not as much as it used to. it's slowly beginning to stabilize with the compression of the new socket and all the walking
pieter65nl: mine is quite stable as long as i keep my weight exact on the same level
pieter65nl: and i have problems with swelling around the start of my period
me: yes, women will talk about how the prosthetist will tell you to try to stay within 5 lbs, but how women can change 5 lbs in one day just from water weight

* now at the very beginning of this chat, I’d received a request to add each other to the one's “friends” list. I've left the dialog box just sitting there, without either accepting or denying, because while chatting, I was simultaneoulsy checking out this person's user profiles and following links to try to get more details. There was little to no information available. It was at this point in the chat that I hit “deny”.

pieter65nl: why are you denying me as a contact?
me: because your profile is vacant, sorry
pieter65nl: i had more on it but was attacked by jerks too often
pieter65nl: so i keep it intentionally left blank
me: I dont blame you, but I dont feel comfortable adding you without knowing more about you, sorry. nothing personal
pieter65nl: well, i told some pretty intimate things right now....but i hope to gain your trust....
pieter65nl: i always retain a lot of water when my menstruation starts
pieter65nl: that has always been the case but its uncomfortable even more now
me: and you have access to my blog, so thanks for sharing, but that doesnt allow you onto my contact list. nothing personal
pieter65nl: how old are you btw?
me: I'm in my 30's
pieter65nl: is it you on the picture on your blog?
me: I dont know which picture you are looking at.
pieter65nl: with the knitted hat?
me: yes, it says it is me in the text.
me: and it also says how and when I lost my leg, too
me: sure you are READING the blog?? lol
pieter65nl: i havent been reading it all
pieter65nl: lol
pieter65nl: I ask you a lot....do you have any questions?

* it is right around here that I begin chatting with TheMIG. He is so amazing at finding anything on the internet that his boss even refers to him as "The Secret Weapon". I ask him for help in finding any possible information about this person, and why I am asking for help, and he comes to my rescue.

me: no...and I'm sorry, but I'm carrying another chat simultaneously, sorry. I'm distracted.
pieter65nl: ok!
me: I wouldnt be sure what to ask you anyhow!
pieter65nl: prosthetics, adjusting, everything you would like...i am an open minded person *wink*
me: well, ok sure.... I have one for you...do you go out dancing?
pieter65nl: yes i do! but only with my leg on, i dont like it very much going on the dancefloor with my crutches
me: tell me about the first time...because I havent gone yet (to a nightclub), and I'm going to give it a whirl soon. I've danced at a wedding on crutches or leaning on someone, and I dance professionally on one leg.
pieter65nl: the downside is you have to wear nonslippery shoes
pieter65nl: in a club its always wet on the floor
pieter65nl: best is to keep your weight entirely on your good leg, but that is quite exhausting when the song is long *wink* and swing a bit without weight on your prosthesis
me: 1 sec please

* it is at this point that My Hero TheMIG has hit pay dirt tracking down information about this person (he finds a link their profile on an online dating service). and the TheMIG is now coaching me on how best to use the information

me: I should play psychic and try to guess your height and weight
me: ready?
pieter65nl: yeah
moon_woman247: 190cm 80kg
pieter65nl: no
moon_woman247: am I close?
pieter65nl: no
moon_woman247: really???
pieter65nl: really, why?
me: http://www.cebrex.ch/pieter65nl
me: because it says you are a MAN Pieter
me: so dont pull my leg, I only have one as it is
me: it's been nice chatting with you
me: have a nice day
pieter65nl: have a nice day

So wha-bamm! That's how to nail a pervert. Super Duper Special Thanks to TheMIG for keeping me safe.

FYI, it only took me the very first sentence to smell something fishy, but mabye I'm a little jumpy ;-)

hoppy? ;-)

whatever.

poem for imbolg...

we are mid-way between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox, call it what you will (Groundhog's Day, St.Brigid's Day, Imbolg, etc...)


as inspired by Grace's Poppies :

A Walk

My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance-

and charges us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.

~Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Robert Bly

comments on comments

sara writes:
(regarding "Rebuilt") Cool! Did they talk about how much it all cost and how the patients paid for it all? Just curious. I don't get anything but the plain old ordinary Discovery channel.
Well, Sara....there was about a 30 second blurb stating that prosthetic care is costly (ya' think??!!). They went on to offer that the ladies in the (featured) office were very skilled at negotiating with (and showing need for equipment to) insurance companies.
They never offered a dollar amount, and they never mentioned co-payments.

Just for the record people, my 2nd definitive socket (and I'm on my 3rd) was NOT covered by insurance (long story), and it cost me $2,500. The socket is only the molded plastic part that fits on my thigh. The part the average person thinks of as my fake leg...the hardware components, the foot, the knee...well, mine is the computerized C-Leg. It was up in the $30k range. Just for the parts.
Yup.
This explains why Steve Majors was The Six Million Dollar Man.
If you count my hospital bills, I'm pushing 2 million myself. And I've got a few more years left in me, which means I'll be needing a few replacements parts, too.

And the "how they pay for it all" part? I aint even going there......

I really, really want to know how to carry a full glass of champagne across a room without spilling it on crutches. Of course, I've rarely done it on two legs, organic or prosthetic, but the only way I know how to carry beverages across a room on crutches or using a walker is with a thermos or other covered container. They make Tupperware-like covers for cat food cans, even the tiny three-ounce ones. I've been wondering idly whether one of those would fit a champagne flute. Hasn't come up in my life, though, so I've never found out. What's your secret?
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Uh -- I don't mean I've rarely carried champagne; I mean I've rarely carried it without spilling it, no matter how many legs I had. Born klutzy. Drinking champagne does not alleviate this condition.
I'm cracking up laughing over here. See, it didn't even occur to me to use a thermos. That would just be too logical hahaha. Very smart, though. I like it.
Actually I've done this champagne carrying trick with hot coffee, too. I didn't bring my no-spill mug to the party with the self serve coffee station.

Well I hope to do a little photo shoot soon, because I'd like to have sequential photos of several different crutch tricks. My sense of things is that crutch skills will help many folks, not just amputees. Lots of us end up on crutches for a small stint at some point in our lives.

Even though I think the photos will be much more helpful than just text, here's something to get you started, because if I know you, you are probably already trying to figure it out:

please note: Although that having crutches press into the armpits is considered to be a very bad thing, I personally dont find it to be a big issue for a few steps, especially when I squeeze my arm in towards my rib cage, holding the crutch firmly against my side, which prevents it from creating too much pressure in the pit.

That being said, I carry the glass in the same hand/side of my body that my amputated leg is on. I am missing my right leg, so I carry the glass in my right hand. I squeeze my right arm in firmly towards my right rib cage.

Now, if you actually stop here for a moment, you'll see that if you lean onto the hand grip of other crutch (for me, my left), the crutch that is only being held by your inner arm and ribcage can just kind of hang there, and it hangs pretty solidly. Move your upper body around a bit and see how it swings.

So here's my trick for going mobile: when I take a step forward, I brush the hanging crutch with the outside of my thigh/stump, using my amputated limb to swing the crutch through to a forward postion. It's kind of going forward anyhow, because the rest of my body is going forward, and the crutch is already just hanging from my armpit. My amputated leg just kind of nudges it along, and it also helps me to guide the landing of the hanging crutch so that it lands in a position that is in tri-pod relation to the other crutch and my sound leg.

As you swing your body through the crutches, this movement creates a momentary, but minimal, amount of pressure in the armpit, but the harder you squeeze your arm into your side, the less this is noticeable. And it's not like I'm a bartender and doing this all night. I don't believe I do this often enough to cause any kind of harm to the delicate pit. I do this maneuver so that I can schlep my own stuff across the room. I get pretty sick of always having an entourage trailing behind me with my food and drink like servants or something. And sometimes it's just little ol' me with no one around to help.

jodi writes:
I LOVE that colour combination. It'll be smashing in lace.
The photos don't do it justice. It's looking like a sunset or some kind of tropical cocktail. I'm really liking it. And my friend K with the garbage bags o'stash was generous enough to give me another big hank of each color in case I need it ;-) She rocks.
I'm not so sure how much Olympics viewing I'm going to get to do while knitting the lace panels, though...being my first time with lace, just the swatch comsumed my entire focus. Thank goodness for the big stockinette section.
I think your custom buttons look pretty awesome. Were the ones you showed us some of the less messed up ones? The sweater looks fantastic too.Sorry I didn't get a chance to experiment over the weekend to try to help figure that out, it's been a freaking hell few weeks here. I'm looking forward to sleeping more than five hours a night sometime soon. . . in a few weeks.
Yes, those were some of the less messed up ones....and I swear if I could get a better picture, you'd be able to see that they are oblong and not round. I would have used them...trust me, I'm not that anal...it's supposed to have a handmade look....but I just couldnt deal with them running in different directions. Sometimes they ran oblong horizontally, somtimes vertically. Looked stoopid. I love them anyhow though, just not for the baby sweater. I'm going to sew them onto the lapel of this little cropped black jacket I have :-)
Oh, and no worries that you didn't try to tackle my dilemma...but I still want to buy one of your shrinky dink bracelets (it'll boost your paypal account--hehe).

Diana writes:
I love all this knitting talk - I don't know anything about it, probably never will, and it impresses me to death to hear you rattle off these fancy terms.
I find this hilarious given you often impress me with your legal-eze. And by the way, what the heck is a "torte"?? In the culinary world, it's a cake, but I know you aren't in law school learning about desserts.

Since you find knitting speak so fancy, I reprint here, for your enjoyment, row 1 of the lace pattern I worked on last night:
*(p1, k2tog, yo, p1), ssk-L-pnso-R, k5, yo, k1, k3, yo, k1, yo, k2, sl 1-k2tog-psso. Repeat from * to last 4 sts, repeat 4st panel.

Maybe someday you'll knit me something...
Hahaha. Of course I will knit you something. Right after the Lysol Can Cozie my 90+ year old grandma just asked me to knit...in mauve. Sheesh.
Seriously though, I'd love to knit you something...you just have to promise to send me a photo of you modeling it, Ms.Photogenic!

way too many knitting photos

Well, I spent my free time this weekend finishing all of the knitting stuff, not finishing the unfinished blog side-dishes...
so you're getting a knitting post.
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I gave up on the damn shrinky-dink buttons. They come out of the oven slightly oblong instead of evenly round, and they dont come out pointing oblong in the same direction, so screw it. Sorry for the low light in the photo, I'm still trying to figure out the new camera and I don't have a clue yet how to edit photos.

I ended up using regular buttons, and I actually like them better, anyhow...which is kind of a riot considering the sweater didn't get to the baby before it was born because I was trying to figure out how to make the custom buttons.

For those who aren't familiar with The Baby Surprise Jacket, it's a pattern that was written in 1969 by one of the grandmothers of knitting, Elizabeth Zimmerman.

Here's what she has to say about the pattern:
"I call it the 'Surprise Jacket' because it looks like nothing on earth when you have finished knitting it. ....Funny looking object, isn't it? ...."

"...join with a neat woven seam, and hey presto eureka and lo -- a baby sweater! ...."

"...The baby will probably be unmoved by this offering, but the mother may well be charmed, and your friends will be AMAZED."

tadaaaaaa!
*the main color is Lorna's Laces Shepherd Worsted in "Mineshaft", and the stripe/border is Cascade 220 color #8013
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I also finished January's socks (viva la schmezolution!) :
* Lana Grossa Meilenweit Cotton Fun color #325 w/blue reinforcing thread


I thought this was a grand accomplishment given that I had very little time to knit these past few weeks, and the socks were knit up on size 1 needles. I'd heard about the 2000 Socks thing and decided to add my two socks to the list. I started to compare myself to other posters who have already knit 9 socks by mid-month, and then I realized comparing is ridiculous. This is my hobby and I've been in dance rehearsals and classes 5 days a week most of this month. It's amazing I knit anything at all!

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I also knit the swatch for the shawl for the Knitting Olympics:
This has been washed and blocked and is about 9" wide. It's got a nice drape to it, but I might work a swatch up on needles one size bigger just to see what happens.

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I knit a few more color changes on the Latifa scarf. Last Thursday the owner of Skein Lane asked if she could take it with her to Stitches West to hang as a sample in her booth. So now I feel like I gotta finish it (although she said she'd be fine taking it as a work in progress and hanging it from the needles). We'll see. I'm not really dying to knit hours of garter stitch right now. I'm itching to get started on some new socks and to whip out something to keep my shoulders warm while I'm in between sets at dance rehearsal.

Speaking of rehearsal...that's where I need to be heading off to right now........

wants & needs

What I wanted to do tonight is some blogging for you. It's Friday night and MyFK is over at Nana and Papa's for a slumber party, so I finally have the living room (and the computer) to myself.

I also have the making for margaritas.

As a complete and total aside, MyFK (who I've also been referring to lately as HisRoyalHighnessOfTheLivingRoom) was given a TV/DVD player as a holiday gift (from a smart mommy), which should have successfully moved him and his game systems into his bedroom. This should have been a big bonus for me, because the cords on the controllers were previously strung across the living room from the TV to the couch, directly across my walking/wheelchair path. Moving the PlayStation, it's cords, and the annoying sounds of Star Wars Battlefront out of the main room of the house was something I couldn't wait to have happen. I almost gave him the gift a week early.

But for the holidays he also got a cd-Rom version of "Lord of the Rings Battle for Middle Earth." When MyFK says the title, it's a run on sentence and he sounds a bit like an auctioneer. Anyhow, the point is, it's a computer game, and the best time for mommy to be on the computer is when her kid is enjoying his allotment of video game time...usually a win-win....except now the video game time is on the damn computer. *sigh*

So back to needs and wants. What I wanted to do is wrap up and post the partially written side dish stuff I wrote about yesterday. Unfortunately, as you will see, I now have a need. Almost more of a have to, actually.


TheMIG has a friend he used to work with who is (well, was...but we'll get to that) pregnant. Baby is due to arrive in this world in February. In hear this good news late last August, and I decide to knit up a Baby Surprise Jacket. The whooooole inspiration for me for making this jacket is the fact that the parents of this baby are on the gothic side, and what goth wants light blue baby shit, right? So what I decide to do (inspired by Jodi) is to make buttons with cartoon skulls on them out of shrinky dinks, and put them on an earth-tone looking sweater (the buttons really being the focus).

Easy, right? I finish the sweater in early September. I didn't seam it up, but there are only two straight shoulder seems in this jacket, so that's no biggey. My problem is the buttons. Since September I've made a couple of attempts with the shrinky dinks, and they aren't turning out how I want them to. I'm having trouble getting the buttons to melt up evenly (they come out oval), and so I just kind of stuffed the whole project in a box until I felt like playing with the plastic and colored pencils again. I've waited to finish the gift and have been stalling at finding a solution to the buttons issue because, well, I have until February, what's the worry....and I work well under pressure anyhow.

Now just so you'll know, I've been asking TheMIG every few weeks if he's heard about a baby shower, and I have not been given a yes. But this week, I ask him twice (because it IS the last week of January, and the baby is due in February, and I need to melt plastic here). He forwards me an email with the tag "here's her address," but the content of the email he forwards me is actually for the baby shower that was November 1st! The email also reads that the baby is due in January. ACK!!! So I email the mommy-to-be, figuring she's probably in labor while I'm clicking send. She emails me back that BabyGoth was born 3 weeks early, DECEMBER 18th!!!!!!!!!!

SO!
I want to blog, but I need to/have to have a date with the toaster oven and figure out this shrinky dink button shit. Or I need to just seam up the sweater and sew on standard buttons.

I also need to get to finishing the 2nd sock because it's almost the end of January and my goal was for 1 pair of socks each month, and I've only just finished the instep decreases (I haven't had a whole lot of knitting time this month), and this is a schmezolution.

So I gotta go get busy.
I'll post photos of the results tomorrow.
Which could be knitting photos or photos of empty margarita glasses.
We'll see.

i need a blogging instructor

I have had a whole lot on my emotional plate lately. No emotional entree takes center plate, though (once a chef, always a chef). It's more like a plate full of little emotional side dishes. It's like going out for Indain food or something.

For me, my most interesting side dishes are emotions related to dance. I have feelings that are intense and fascinating to me, and they are feelings that I believe other artists or amputees (or human beings) can probably relate to.

I just can't figure out how to blog about it.

I'm quite skilled at doing process oriented, stream of conciousness, emotional writing...like in a personal/private journal. But I'm not skilled yet at creating a public post out of that kind of writing, and I'm not sure how to turn the raw information into something that could be read and clearly understood by others.

I have another challenge that makes me hesitate while posting, and that is the concern of drawing unwanted internet attention by certain key words in my writing. For example, I am currently in rehearsals with a dance company that performs naked. Putting certain words like naked and amputeee in the same post could potentially draw the attention of some googling idiot, and that is not the kind of attention I desire to have. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I had someone instant message me who found me via this blog--the person was claiming to be a female amputee. I immediately and correctly guessed that it was a male, and nailed the prick. While I'm not surprised by this kind of sick behavior, but I still find it unsettling, and I'm not really into attracting more of it.

I actually put together an entry for the blog containing the afore mentioned IM chat, along with some thoughts of my own, but I didn't post it for fear I'd gain more unwanted attention. As I sit here typing, I'm having the feeling I'll post it anyhow. I also did quite a bit of writing last week about some really stong feelings of resistence I've been having about wearing the prosthesis. Stuff that gets me crying and angry and a ton of other stuff, but I'm not sure how to write that up in a way that makes sense. Dance it for you?..yes, I can do that! But writing isnt my strong suit.
Maybe I'm not born to blog.

SO.
I'm not quite sure what to do next. I'm thinking I'm just going to finish up what I've started writing and throw it up on here and let y'all just deal with it (or not...I mean hey, it's like TV--if you dont like it, just change the channel). So expect me to post some babble this weekend, and then next week I'll tell some more funny gimp stories or pictures of knitting.

a big ol' tangle of mohair

So, I'm on the list to knit a mohair shawl.
Here's my prep work, thus far:

Some time last year, my friend K gave me a huge pile of mohair:





And yesterday I spent most of my time turning that pile into this:









These colors are not normally one's that I'd consider to be "mine," but I've had these skeins hanging on my studio wall for what feels like a year now, and I've actually really learned to love the two of them together. I've considerred dyeing either one or both, but I think I'm just going to go ahead and knit them up as they are. My plan is to do the lace panel in the reddish color and the larger stockinette panel in the orange.

While winding the yarn, I did a little measuring and weighing, and by my best guess, I've probably got about 860yds of each. This means I could possibly run short on the orange. Maybe. I have still have to work up the swatch and see what's going on. I started fiddling with swatches yesterday and to get the drape I want with this yarn I probably going to be on needles much larger than what the pattern calls for. My next step is to decide on my needles, see how much yarn it took to knit the swatch, and then do some more algebra to see if I have enough yarn to finish the thing. You'd think from looking at the pile sitting on that table that I have plenty, but I sure would hate to find out later that I don't.

K has more of these skeins lying around (a family member brought her back huge bags of it from China), and has offered another contribution, but it might be a different color. So maybe my ruffle border will end up being a third color? Who knows. Stay tuned.

knitting knews

Aha!!!!!!!!!!
There actually IS a correlation between being an amputee and knitting!

You see, we don't have to knit socks.....
We can actually just knit:

SOCK!
hahahaha

Seriously, though....even though I only have one leg, I still do knit the companion sock. I'm starting to use the prosthesis, and it feels really nice to dress her up in something special...and even if I'm not wearing the prostheisis and am only wearing one sock at a time, it's always grand to have an extra handknit sock to wear. The special knitter's bonus for me though, is that when I'm sitting and knitting one-legged style, I can legitimately wear the finished sock while I'm working on it's companion. I completely bypass that dreaded "second sock syndrome" knitters often get when they get excited by the success of finishing one sock, but then have the let down when they can't wear it yet. They are actually only half way done.

small note for other leg amp knitters out there (should you exist and be reading): I highly recommend using a reinforced thread in the heels and toes...especially in the heel...my "plastic barbie doll foot" does some serious wear and tear

I would assume that the "how an amputee relates to knitting thing" also applies to upper extremity amputees, too...because hey...you can always just knit:

GLOVE! right??

I shall be knitting the companion to this...but YES, I am wearing it already, too. Yes, both of my arms are still intact. And yes, I probably look silly with just one glove. I end up with some kind of 80's Cindi Lauper look. But my arm is FREEZING. Want to see why?

THAT is the hardware inside my forearm, kids. Two plates, eleven screws. Believe me...when it's cold out, my arm definitely feels it. So I'm wearing one glove while I knit the other. Wacth out Cindi. The fingerless gloves are in the same Koigu as my Rockstar Scarf, so I look flashy.

Speaking of scarf, I'm also about halfway done w/latifa:

------------------

In other knitting knews, I signed on for the the Yarn Harlot's Knitting Olympics . Not quite sure what the hell I'm thinking...sheesh. As of this week, I am now dancing 5 days a week, swimming for three, trying to get used to living without a housemate, and then of course there is the rest of my life. But I figure once the Olympics are on, I'm going to be parked on my butt for several hours at a time watching them anyhow, so what the heck. But a mohair lace shawl?? And I've never knit lace OR knit with mohair?? I must be nuts. And of course, I'm trying to talk my knitting friends into joining me in this challenge....I mean, I don't want to have to look like I'm the only nut. hahaha

Also in the knews, the digital camera arrived yesterday...yay! I haven't used it yet (the above shots were taken by TheMIG a week or so ago), but I should have it up and running, instructions (sort of) read, by tomorrow.

rebuilt rehash

I caught the first episode of "Rebuilt: The Human Body Shop" last night, a program about amputees. Well, not really. It's a bit more specific that that, actually. It's about amputees and prosthetics, really. Maybe they'll one day feature an amputee who chooses not to wear a prosthesis, but I doubt it. The central "plot" of the show is based around a motivational prosthetist.

Right from the opening scene, I began to get worried that this show might possibly stink. I swear to god that the opening credits that introduces "the cast" (the prosthetist and his crew, most of whom is his family) looks dead ringer like the intro for the Seymore Butts' "Family Business" series (Showtime). The TiVO failed to record the final credits of Rebuilt, so I couldn't compare the who's who, but I would not be surprised one bit if the same folks that made Family Business produced Rebuilt. Same producers or not, whomever is working on Rebuilt basically stole the opening scene (if not the entire show concept but with a gimpy spin), and maybe they were banking that we wouldn't notice! I mean, there's no crossover between those audiences right? The amputee audience and would never be into perverted reality humor shows. Right? Or maybe it's the other way around! Maybe they think the amputee audience IS perverted, and they've seen plenty of Seymore, so this will feel nice and familiar!

I also got concerned when right out of the gate they focused on a patient with a C-leg. And actually, let me rephrase that: they didn't focus on the patient, they focused on the C-leg itself. They went right past the patient into something that looked like an infomercial for OttoBock. It made me wonder how much of this program was going to be driven by the giants in the prosthetics manufacturing industry.

After a couple minutes into the show though, they started to focus on the patients. There was also quite a few segements of watching what goes on in the back rooms of the prosthetist's office which was actually quite interesting to me. I've never gotten to see the inside components of my C-leg, and I've never actually seen a socket being made.

I liked very much that there was a wide variation in the patient stories (for this episode, at least). There was a middle-aged athetic male, married with kids, traumatic above the knee amputation of the left leg, who was working hard to restore his life by taking up cycling again and tackling the swimming segment of a triathalon. There was a young woman, traumatic amputation of her right arm below the elbow, who chose a cosmetic prosthesis over a functional one, and her issues in this episode were mostly about dealing the emotions around being uncomfortable in public (in my version, I call it "feelin' like a freak!"). And there was a teenage boy who was born with no hands or feet (facial/palatte issue as well), who just did everything and everything he wanted to do, and successfully. The show was quite well rounded.

All in all, I really enjoyed the show. For me personally, it was really great to see the man with the same amputation as me (basically), in the same prosthesis as me, doing his daily getting around. It was good to see how he moved through space, and it was encouraging to hear that it took him close to a year before he was fit for his prosthesis, and after 3 months (of what appears to be MUCH more committed effort than my own), he was really active and getting around without the aid of a cane. And by getting around, I mean, handling uneven surfaces while cleaning out the horse stables. It made me feel like if I actually applied myself, maybe I'd see results more quickly than I think. And I woke up this morning actually wanting to put the leg on for a change.

I'd love to know what other people think about the show, if there is anyone out there...both friends or family members of amputees as well as people who've never had any real life exposure to life with or as an amputee.

So I have one last comment, and it's got nothing to do with the show, but with the Discovery Science Channel itself. MAN THEY HAVE SOME FREAKY REALITY SHOWS ON THAT CHANNEL!!! The commercials completely flipped me out. One of them was for a program about life in the critical care emergency room....except it was RIDICULOUSLY bloody and graphic. I know I'm personally sensitive to those kind of images now because of my own experience of it, but I have never seen that level of graphic reality before. Right down to the bloody gorey details, and that was only the commercial!

I think they are rerunnning this episode of Rebuilt a few more times this week if you missed it. I think it's worth the watch *smile*.

tip #27 for crutch users:

When woken up from a dead sleep by, let's say, a crying child having a nightmare....
Do not begin to make your way across the room on crutches before checking to see if either or both of your arms are asleep.

(unless you also want to end up crying)


One of these days I'll post a full list of the other (give or take) 26 tips....

To give you a little preview:
#25 Do not wear your newly hand-knit wool gloves when using crutches. When your palms begin to sweat, they will felt.
and #6 is a little lesson on how to carry a full glass of champagne, across the room, without spilling, on crutches.

rebuilt

On New Year's Eve, TheMIG and I were channel surfing while waiting for the countdown to midnight. I could have sworn I saw a commercial for an upcoming televison series about amputees, but I wasn't paying full attention, and I even thought maybe I was imagining things. We were pretty sure we had been watching The Discovery Health Channel at the time (I know, hot stuff for a New Year's Eve, eh?!). I thought I caught that it had something about being "rebuilt" in the title.... but in the days following, I tried to search for it and couldn't find a thing. I checked the on-screen cable guide, the Discovery Channel's website, and just plain googling it, but I couldn't find any information.

Well, the information finally found me.
The ACA (Amputee Coalition of America) just emailed me a press release:


New Television Series Features Amputees
Discovery Health Channel will launch a new series on amputees titled “Rebuilt: The Human Body Shop” beginning Wednesday, January 18, from 10-11 p.m. (ET/PT).

“Rebuilt: The Human Body Shop” follows the remarkable personal journeys of men, women and children who are overcoming tragedy and introduces the dedicated professionals who are helping them rebuild their hopes, dreams and ambitions.

This series was filmed at the Orthotic Prosthetic Center, an ACA member based in Fairfax, VA.

ACA also provided Discovery Health access to “The Body Electric: Recent Developments in Bionic Technology,” written by ACA senior editor Bill Dupes, for inclusion on its Web site. Join Discovery Health’s ½ million daily Web visitors in reading this article at http://health.discovery.com/convergence/rebuilt/bodyelectric/bodyelectric.html



I am SO making use of the TiVO for this........
reviews to follow.

yay!!! boooooooo.....

Well, I'm sure this isn't much to all the amazing nerds out there, but for me this is big: I finally figured out how to edit the links sidebar (even so they'll pop up in another window). Being that I accomplished this ALL BY MYSELF, and being that it was done in HTML (read as: Chinese), I am very pleased with myself. It makes up for a few of the other feelings of inadequacy I've acquired this week while trying to keep up in dance rehearsals. I've been attempting to learn many new techniques, and when I catch myself in the mirror it looks like I have a looooong way to go.

So I know this blog-task I've finally accomplished isn't all that grand, but hey, it IS progress. And even though I dont really understand how I made it work, I do finally know how to read the instructions. And hey, I can knit a sweater just using string and a couple of sticks, can you nerdy?? (and I know some of you can, so I'll just shut up now) Anyway, maybe next I'll figure out a better way for replying to your comments.

Oh! I finally figured out how to get a photo into my profile, too! It's probably kind of hard for you to really see the details unless you click on the photo to enlarge it, but that is a portrait of my "Leg As Vase". It was used on a flyer for a benefit dance concert for, guess who...ME! The money raised by all of the wonderful performers who danced with (and for) me, paid for the expenses so that I could go study with Axis Dance Company at their summer intensive in Seattle.

There is a story behind the "Leg As Vase" photo, and it is two fold:

First, if I were playing a television gameshow, like "Let's Make a Deal," for example, (I know...I'm dating myself) never in a million years would I have put "losing my leg" behind door number three. I had a feeling that something big was going to happen in my life eventually, probably sooner rather than later....loss of a loved one, cancer, who knows what...but I would never have guessed I'd be losing a limb. "Door Number 3" then became the title for a solo I choreographed and performed marking the 1st anniversary of my amputation.

Secondly, I've often found myself saying that my life is very full...like a big beautiful bouquet. I often feel vibrant and blooming, just spilling over with energy. But I also often say that I have no container to put that bouquet into. I've spent many years of my life seeking a vase I could put me and my energy into, and while within that container, feel held and, well, "contained".
I'm not sure my prosthesis is "it". Kinda leaky. But this photo tied several metaphors together for me.
--------------------------------------------
FYI, the leg in that picture is NOT the current duct-tape glue-gun prosthesis. That's the older "sexy" leg....but very soon I will have photos of the new one for you, because....
There really is a Holiday Elf!! TheMIG's folks gernerously gave me a giftcard, and I ordered a digital camera yesterday. It should be here in a few days.

Other than just getting a call that I'm in collections for another three grand in medical bills I had no idea existed, I'm pretty happy.

*sigh*

comments on comments, take two

I'm still frickin' lame and haven't figured out how best to address/reply to comments...
so here ya' go:

jodi said... :
This may be a stupid suggestion, but I'm a sewer and not an amputee. Until the new prosthesis is perfected, could you open up a section of the outer leg seam in some of your trousers and install a zipper (the blind kind that's covered up by the cloth)? Then you'd have easier access in case of public slippage. Of course, that would be a lot of hassle too
jodi~
I didn't know you sew, too. I supposed it shouldn't surprise me one bit, given all of the other amazing tactile arts you create, but dang.....you are SO my hero. Knitting, sewing, printmaking...shrinky-dinks!

SO. In response to your comment. I can sew a little bit, but sadly installing zippers is not in my repertoire.

Last year, when I had the 6 month run with the prosthesis, I did buy three colors of these zip off pants, though. They're great for easy access for some quick fixes (like when the leg started to spin around in the back of Costco). I was able to open the zipper, release the locking pin near the knee that helps hold on the leg, then I could rotate the leg a little bit so that I could hobble over to the bathroom.

Unfortunatley though, "slippage" usually requires taking off he prosthesis completely. Often the slippage is due to a build-up of sweat inside the socket. I know. Gross. Additionally, one of the added security measures I use with my prosthesis is a waist belt (and it sucks--it fits like a very unsexy corset). It's an ugly 4 inch wide velcro closure in the same tan/butt-brown color that the medical industry thinks matches everyone's skin tone. Anyhow, in order to take off the prosthesis, it pretty much requires my taking off the pants (or my new favorite thing, flinging up my skirt) to get the belt off.

But back to the zippered pants I bought... I do love them... but the ones I bought last year are now a size too small. I went up a size sitting on my ass for a year waiting for the new leg to be built. I hope that now that I'm moving a bit more I'll be back in them sometime soon.

I found they were REALLY helpful for:
1) Trips to the physical therapist. When cold or rainy, I wanted to wear long pants, but the therapist wants to be able to actually see the prosthesis in action. Rather than change into shorts in the office, I could just quickly zip off a pant leg.
2) Getting dressed in the morning. Unlesss someone has forgotten to teach me some tips for dressing, I was taught to kind of dress like a fireman. They take off their pants and shoes in one fell swoop and leave them there so they can jump right into them. Before I put my leg on, I literally dress it. I put the pants on it, the sock, the shoe, etc. Once it's all dolled up, I put the leg on, then I can pull up my pants and put the other shoe on. What was cool about the zip off pants, was I could dress the prosthesis in just a pant leg, sock, and shoe. That way I could basically be fully dressed (and not tripping over a dangling empty pant leg to boot) and then when I wanted to put the leg on I would only have to just pull up the pant leg and zip it onto the shorts I was already wearing. It was neato. And it also decreased the amount of time I spent around the house in my underpants hahaha.

3A Gurl said...
Hi Hi. (etc....)
Hi back! Goodluck on the rehab yourself, enjoy your multiple plumb lines, and thanks for the encouragement!

Sara said...
(lots of good stuff)
Sara, thanks, as always for being my biggest cheerleader...and more importantly, for all the information. Whether it applies or not (and it usually does), it always gets me thinking.

slow grind to a halt

Well, so much for getting back to the grind.
Guess I worried about that for nothing *frown*.

I caught TheMIG's head cold, and MyFK has had some kind of flu since Monday night, which has changed my entire week. The poor little guy has been up most nights with a fever as high as 103F, so no sleep for this exhausted mommy...and no return to school for him (which is a bummer, because Tuesday was the grand opening of his newly remodeled school...they've been in portables for 18 months...he's missing things and feels left out).

SO.
My commitment to swimming?...squashed.
Rearranging stuff to make use of the new space the departed housemate left behind?...nada.
Depositions?...rescheduled (no new date yet).
Teaching dance class last night?...nope (thanks K, for always being there).
Studio time for improv with T before she leaves the country for 9 months?...*sigh* cancelled.
T's going away party tonight?...probably not.

I did manage to get out for a 2 hour rehearsal with Dandelion Dancetheater, though. The director is working with smaller groups on Wednesday nights. He started to structure a segment with the four of us that were there, and I had a blast. I actually got picked up and passed hand-to-hand, cartwheel-style, down a line of dancers....then I blended back into the line so each of the other dancers can get passed along in some fashion. Much fun for me, as being spun upside down is most certainly not something we do in bellydancing hahaha.

Unfortunatly, we didnt end on that high note....we closed the rehearsal by revisting a duet with myself and another dancer, and it sucked. I'd forgotten everything since our last rehearsal in December, I was ridiculously clumsy, and I felt like a big dufus. Hopefully now that we're back to regular rehearsals, it will smooth out quickly.

The larger group rehearsal process begins today, which is basically all of us, for four hours every Friday.
And I'm a little nervous.
This group has been working together with this material for years, both in rehearsals and performances. I'm one of only a few new dancers to the company, and of the newbies, I have the least formal dance training. What little training I do have is mostly in bellydance or improv, not modern. I'm also still pretty new to dancing with one leg, and let's just throw in the fact that I'm sick and completely exhausted on top of that. Hard to say what today's rehearal is going to be like...it ought to be just grand. Oh, I should also mention that working with the prosthesis has my body really confused about where it's center-line is, so my balance while standing on one leg has been a little wacky, too.

I'm used to feeling more confident and less whiny.
Now I think I'm actually looking forward to the grind.

viva la schmezolucion!

I never make New Year's resolutions.
Resolutions, schmezolucions.

But this year, I am offering myself a challenge.
I'm going to knit 1 pair of socks every month this year.
Why?
I dunno.
Cuz I feel like it, damn it.
If I had to come up with logical reasons, I'd probably tell you:
I like knitting socks!--mindless in places, challenging in others; double-pointed needles, for some bizarre reason, soothe me; I want to experiment more with color and lace, and doing it on smaller projects seems wise; the yarn isn't expensive and I'm on a yarn diet; I forsee the need for portable knitting projects this year; I looooove wearing hand knit socks; and I realllly looooove seeing them on the feet of people I care about (and not all twelve pairs will be for me).

This challenge isn't a ridiculous stretch...I can certainly knit one sock in two weeks. No sweat. The question is whether or not I can do it and still manage to get other knitting done. That will be the real challenge. From where I sit, 2006 looks pretty damn busy, and I have a feeling I'm not going to have much time for taking up the needles.
-----------------------
So here's what I have been knitting since my last knitting post:

* I finished seaming "Under the Hoodie". I'm very pleased with it. It fits great, which I suppose isn't saying much because it's not a fitted garment....it's an oversized/drop shoulder sweater. But it really does fit great. It hangs great, it lands on the body correctly, has a nice drape, etc. And it's my first sweater. It looks handmade but not homemade, so goal accomplished. A deep bow of thanks to Merrily from my local Stitch-N-Bitch for pushing me to wash the swatch before casting on. That swatch got surprisingly shorter and wider once it hit the water. Significantly. And if I hadn't known that, I'd look like a clown in my $100 sweater (yes--$100 worth of wool/merino, a joint birthday gift from Michael & Pam--thank you guys!!...because no time lately have I had that kind of dough to plop down on stash). I haven't had a (decent) picture taken of the finished product yet, but when I do, I shall post it.



* I finished my mom's sherbert socks. I know the stripes don't match. Shut up. I tried. Every time I knit something new, I learn something new. Guess what I learned this time? Yarn and zippers are not friends. The yarn got caught in a zippered bag and had to be cut. I lost track of what the self-striping pattern was doing right in the middle of turning a heel. Whateverrrrrrrrr. Oh well. The legs/calves still match. And the instep and toes are going to be inside shoes anyhow, right???



* I knit Boogeytime for TheMIG. I made it out of the left over sock yarn that he chose himself for the pair I made him last year. What you can't see from the photo is the super cute watch face. It's a kid's Timex with a rocket that flies around on the second hand. Wheee! Even though I thought this pattern mades great use of those little leftovers, when I first saw it on knitty, I thought it was pretty silly. But about two days later, I was knitting while TheMIG was playing tennis against a backstop (his new choice of exercise), and he kept asking me every five minutes how long he had been playing....so a watch on a sweatband made perfect sense to me. I am actually quite pleased to see that he wears it around even when he's not playing tennis...especially because he hasn't played tennis again since the day I decided to knit it. So much for exercise... heehee! But truly, I love that he wears it, and it makes me warm and fuzzy to see him warm and fuzzy. It's been cold here, and it's been doubling as a wrist warmer. He's a vegetarian who doesn't wear animal products, so leather watchbands are out. I'm going to knit him one more that can pass at the office (less wide and solid black or charcoal).


* I started Latifa, and this picture was taken as we were leaving for about 8 hours of road tripping. It's now more than half way done, and I've been ruffling and sewing in ends as I go. I like it a lot, but it feels like it might belong on someone else's neck.

* Socks...para la schmezolucion!. I'm on Sock#1, top down, past the heel and now working the gusset decreases. Still no elves, and still no digital camera, so close your eyes and use your imagination.
I'm not following a pattern this time, as I'm testing myself to see if I can take everything that I conceptually understand about making socks and just wing it. This, of course, would be totally feasible if I was making the same simple stockinette socks I always make. But nooooooo....I have to not only try to make socks without a pattern, but I have to also add a pattern stitch for the first time. It's just a simple mock cable rib, but it's one more thing to think about. And just to be fun and add another variable onto that, I decided to try out using two circulars, instead of my regular soothing dpn's. The sock is coming out great, but I'm having to think about things more, which stinks, because I caught TheMIG's head cold, and, as I write this, MyFK just woke up with a fever of 102. I need eeeeasy knitting. Nooo thiiiiinking please. The sock is now on two ciculars "in profile", which has the instep pattern split up and the gusset decreases in the middle of the needle instead of at the ends, and I keep forgetting that.
I am not having fun.
Maybe I should go back to knitting a square or two of garter stitch on the scarf for awhile.
--------------------------------------
I have really been thinking the past few days about "getting back to the grind" now that the holidays are over.....
But I'm looking at the calendar, and "the grind" I have ahead of me in January is about three times as great as the grind I set down mid-December before moving into holiday mode.
What is up with dat??
I hope I can handle it. On my plate this month are depositions and legal issues, financially adjusting to not having a housemate as of this week, learning to walk with the prosthesis on (which means lots of physical therapy appointments and about double the time or more to get around and do things because I move slower), and a shit load of dancing (teaching my own class/bellydance, taking up an 8-week class series with Axis, and Dandelion Dancetheater related rehearsing 1-3 times per week).

Can I get back to the old grind instead, please? This one looks a litte bit too busy.

short walk to nowhere

I had my second PT appointment today and actually pulled off walking on a treadmill. I suppose 5 minutes at 1.2 mph doesn't seem all that impressive to you, but to me it was a big deal just to get the balls to get on the stupid thing. I had this very clear image in my head of me putting one foot down on the conveyor belt and just completely flying off the back end of the machine.
Must be from growing up with too many cartoons or episodes of I Love Lucy or something.

shock value

If there are any other amputees out there reading this (and I know for a fact there is at least one--hi Sara!), I would love to know if someone can tell me what the &*%^ is going on here, and if anyone knows of a fix.

Four times over the past two weeks, I've been startled awake in the middle of the night by really bizarre pains in my residual limb. I wouldn't call them "phantom pains" because they aren't in the "invisible limb". They are actually within/on/through my stump (hate that word). Anyhow....I've never actually been electrocuted or tasered in my life, but I imagine that this is how it would feel. It's like I'm getting shocked, like a strong electric jolt, as if some kind of current is zapping through my leg.

Now a couple of weeks ago, I bought an electric blanket, and I actually thought that maybe it was the heat that was triggering the new pain. I also had some wild ideas about the electric current running through the blanket, even though that seems a little farfetched. But it can't be the blanket. I've been out of town the past few nights, staying in a hotel (with no electric blanket), and last night I was up for about two hours, getting shocked into exhaustion. Changing positions didn't seem to help much, nor did massage (which was soothing, but didn't keep it from reoccuring). Every time the jolting would stop, I'd settle myself down again, I'd just about doze off, and then I'd get zapped again. Each time it was like a full body jolt. By the morning most of my muscles ached from tensing up every time it happened and it felt as if I'd been holding my breath for hours. It was quite horrible and I don't even want to go to bed tonight for fear of it happening again.

SO. Has this happened to anyone? This is now almost 2 years post amputation, and I thought most of this monkey business stopped after awhile. I did I have milder forms of this shocking feeling happen right after the amputation, but it's been a really long time. Is it related to using the prosthesis, you think?? Maybe my nerve endings are just all jangley (is that a word?). I don't recall this happening last year when I was able to wear a prosthesis periodically, though.

And I guess the bigger question:
Does anyone have any idea what to do about it??

Would love to know......

let the rebirthing begin

So my last post was about Wednesday.
This post is about Thursday.
And it's Sunday.
(so I'm behind....what else is new)
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Early Thursday morning I had my first Physical Therapy appointment for gait training (aka: now get yer ass up and walk damn it!).

TheMIG came with me, which I thought was so sweet and supportive...although it was later explained to me that he went because he wanted to actually SEE how it went, as opposed to HEAR about it, because he knew I'd leave things out if I was asked to describe the session. Well, phooey...I'm sticking with sweet and supportive. But he does have a good point. I don't think I could have described the look on my face when I actually took a few steps without any kind of assistive device (parallel bars, crutches, canes, etc).

I wore a prosthesis very sporadically Dec 04-Jun 05, but I was never able to take anything that looked like a real step without something to hold onto. In fact, I was even told that maybe walking with a cane was as good as it was going to get for me. I have a hard time buying that when I see that some amputees manage to compete in triathalons. I mean, I'm not asking for anything fancy here...I just want to walk. And if they can do a triathalon, surely I can walk without a frickin' cane.

The real issue here is that I've never trusted my prosthesis. And for good reason--the last prosthetist was never been able to make a socket that would actually consistently stay on my thigh. It would literally become so loose that it would spin me into a 45-degree pigeon toe or, as would happen on a couple of occasions, it would actually fall off! And these "fit issues"would happen when I was in, let's say, the very back of a Costco ..and there I'd be....painfully hobbling for a loooong time to get to a place where I could futz with it and try it again. If putting it back on again was even an option at that point, which sometimes was not.

Well, I think this new leg man has finally made me a socket that stays on. For starters, it's adjustable. It has a buckle on it that I can crank tight when it gets loose as my thigh does it's daily bizarre shrinking and swelling thing. The socket he made doesn't look nearly as clean lined, sexy, and elegant as the last one (the one that would fall off).....but it's going to have to be function over form this time. You have NO IDEA how badly I wish the elves left me a digital camera for the holidays. I would LOVE to show you a photo comparison of the old socket to the new. This new one stays on, yes, hooray!! But it looks like I made it myself playing with a glue gun and a first aid kit. I kid you not. It even has DUCT TAPE on it in places. No shit.

But it works. And it stays on. And I feel stable. And I actually took a few steps hands free that even looked like real steps, knee bending, no stumbling or hesitating, and only a very slight limp. But I only got a few of those good steps out, because on that note, let me say:
DAMN MAN! MY ASS IS OUT OF SHAPE!
I haven't used some of those muscles in a very very long time. I got tired more quickly than I expected.

The PT really recognized my trust issues and has me doing these very small, repetitive leg movements that from the outside probably look like nothing exciting is being learned...but the exercises are designed to help me understand what this leg can do, and what it cannot...and what I can do, and what I cannot. They are designed to get me trust the prosthesis.

Bottom line: I feel a bit more enthusiastic about putting in the hard work than I did on Wednesday. And THAT to me is worth it's weight in gold.

the death and rebirth of self-acceptance

I feel like I’m forced to jump (hop?) into an entry about dancing. And I don’t have the time to post another entry first that would give you context or a history of my dancing. And I’ve already told you that it's important for me to make sure you have context for some reason (one that I do not yet understand). But what I need to get out here feels important and big and necessary to do now before it is lost in some word.doc never to be found again.

So here we go... a dancing post, sans context:
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Wednesday night I met with a few members of the dance company I will be performing with in 2006. We were to be led in a night of dance, art and solstice ritual... the core material for the evening relating to the performance piece that is being created/choreographed, and ritual being part of the process guiding us to the performance.

Doffing our clothes and becoming naked, we each chose our own little space in the room. We relaxed onto the floor and were led to connect with a part of ourselves that is “dying” and then improvised movement from that place. Then we were led to come to stillness again and then connect with a part of ourselves that is “birthing”. And we danced from that place, as well. At some point we checked for poignant or repetitive movements from both dying and birthing, and we brought the movements together.

Well, Wednesday was my first time wearing the new prosthesis. It’s been six months since I’d made an attempt at making it work, and the several attempst I have made over the last year and a half have not been what I’d call successful (even though I’ve learned a little bit each time, and I seem to have retained what I’ve learned--hoorah). There have been so many attempts, that I no longer have the excitement I have had about it in the past, like the first time I put it on. Like when I realized I could be standing and moving through space and be holding the hand of someone I care about... all at the same time. Or like when I had the excitement of putting on pants and realizing that the Average Joe probably wouldn’t be able to figure out why I have a limp. The excitement of "I've got a little secret under here!" (I know it's nothing close, but it's kind of like going to office in a business suit when you're wearing a leather g-string or something underneath.).

Well, this time, I don't have excitement. At all. What I have (and yes, I know it will change) is the sinking feeling that I have to do a whole lot of work for what I see as no instant return of gratification.

* I am wearing a prosthesis that is still under construction and makes me look as much, if not more, like a freak as being limbless (you have no idea how bad I want a digital camera folks — you really need to see this thing — the socket has DUCT TAPE on it for crying out loud... it looks like I went out into the garage and made it myself).
* I am wearing a prosthesis AND using crutches, because that's the point I'm at in my physical therapy... so I don’t have an ease of movement. What I have is a gangly mess of equipment.
* I have pain and discomfort and my skin and my muscles adapt to the materials and the workload.
* I have mental strain as I think about every single fricking step I take. I have a very frustrating time as it takes me twice as long to get from point A to point B as it usually does

I mean NOTHING in my life is immediately improved by my wearing this damn thing, AT THIS POINT. I grant you that down the road this may all change, but it makes it very very difficult to want to sign-up to put this damn thing on every day, when leaving it off means I could remain fast, comfortable, relaxed and pain free.
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So back to Wednesday night and what it is that's dying and what is being birthed. It is basically the same thing in each case. And it made me cry while I was dancing it.

What is dying is my self-acceptance.

I’ve worked very hard to come to a place where I completely accept myself, my body, now, as it is, in this new configuration. I have done quite a bit of emotional processing and I now see myself as whole and complete again, just as I am. I accept myself. I feel natural.

There is something about wearing a prosthesis that to me feels like, in part, it negates my self-acceptance and takes it away from me. My emotions are extremeley complex, and this feeling of losing self acceptance is one of many sides of the same coin, believe me. But the point I'm trying to explain here is that I have this very strong feeling that putting on the prosthesis is completely contrary to my accepting the fact that I am missing a limb.

What goes along with this, is that I also feeling like I am not wearing a prosthesis for me, but that instead I am wearing a prosthesis for you (the collective “you”) because you need to see me looking like I have two legs so that you can accept me. Well, I already accept myself. But you want to help me be “restored to normalcy”. Are you helping me to be "normal" again so that I can be normal? Or are you helping me to be "normal" because it makes you more confortable than having to deal with someone different from you?

Well, I already feel normal. And so somehow, I feel my acceptance of myself dying just a bit.

What is birthing for me, oddly enought, is exactly the same damn thing. Self-acceptance. It's just in the seedling stage, but with a little water and sunlight, it shall grow. It would seem there might be a very high probability in my gaining something wonderful by having two legs again. I think it’s going to take awhile, but I think I will gain things like being able to hold your hand and walk with you. Being able to carry my own plate down the buffet line (which, actually, I have mastered on crutches…and that is something I eventually will blog about and teach you). Things like being able have options when going places that are not necessarily crutch or wheelchair accessible, not that much stops me, but it would be nice to have more ease.

Because I am so very curious about the mystery of what newness may be out there for me, I WILL give wearing a prosthesis more than a college try. I will give it everything I can give it before I make any kind of assessment of it’s benefit. And in doing so, part-time-trying will inlcude my birthing another layer of self-acceptance.
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After we finished dancing our deaths and rebirths, we layed down onto body sized pieces of paper, and had another person trace our outline. We spent some time adding artwork onto the paper with our shape, just as a beginning. Apparently we will work with these images again throughout the preparation for performance.

I always find tracing the body like that, kind of like making angels in the snow, to be completely magical and the little kid in me gets very jazzed.

This was my first time seeing my outline with only one leg. And I liked it. I think it looked neato. I was a little surprised I like it, but quite pleased by that. I probably liked it because it was my little inner 5 year old looking at it, and she isn't judgemental... but like I said, my adult brain is now comfortable with myself, too. And no, I'm not phsychotic and I don't read inner child books, so shut up.

As I did the artwork, I realized something else that’s been bugging me, and wrote it on the big paper:

You look at me and see what’s missing.
You don’t look at me and see what is still there.
I am still here.
I am HERE.
Over HERE.

This has made me think quite a bit about positive and negative space, and that’s all I can really say about it now, because I'm still deep in though about it.... but if you are a dancer or a visual artist of just about any kind, you probably know what I’m talking about. There is richness in the negative space. Because it is part of what defines the positive space.


Now, since this is AmpuTeeHee and it’s "often quite funny" (hoping you, too, see irony as a type of funny) let me tell you that I’ve relayed the “I am HERE” story to several people since Wednesday, and what has been hilariously sad is that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I’ve told this to has said exactly the same thing back to me:

"I can't claim to know your experience, but it sounds kind of like how I feel when I’m talking to someone and they are looking at my boobs. It’s like, 'Hellooooo…my face is up HERE!' ”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

comments about comments

I still have not quite gotten over my surprise that there is actually someone out there reading any of this.

Well, get this one, folks:
I'd love to acknowledge that fact, but I don’t know how to reply to your comments!
I can’t (yet, but I am trying) figure out where your email address is located in relation to your posted feeback. 'Cuz I’m not a geek. Not even close. I’m a moron. Even though I am the daughter of a computer genius, I sadly did not inherit the geek-gene. It is amazing to me that I am even able to turn on the computer....and, hmmmm....now that I think about it, I don’t even know how to do that. I actually broke the plastic power button on my CPU. Now the computer has to stay on all the time, drifting in and out of sleep mode.

SO.
I shall reply, here and now, here, to your comments:

To Jodi, who asked why I don’t write about my dancing:
Well, I DO write about it. I just haven't POSTED it yet. I’m getting there, though, I promise *smile*. I’m very new to this blog thing, and I’m still trying to understand what the differences are for me between journaling and blogging. I have many an entry just sitting in cold storage waiting to be worked over.
I have much to say about my dancing, and the neccessary editing job I am faced with is a bit daunting. I have four different dance projects/groups that I am involved with and I need to sort it all out. Stay tuned.

To mnvnjnsn:
I’d be glad to knit cat toys! Knitting and cats are two of my favorite things! Now if I can only figure out how to contact you!!!
By the way, I had no idea that Tad has a brother. “ Someone” (*ahem*) never mentioned it. There seems to be a growing list of animals left behind by “someone” in the wake of ending relationships (I was scowled at when I asked "someone" if there were more bastard "children" I hadn't heard of yet). I now realize that in addition to kittie toys, I may eventually need to knit up a dog sweater for a bereft corgie, too. Oh, and KnittyKittyToys are on the house.
Newsome, this is for you:

To Sara, the one person who I DO have the ability to email:
Aye aye aye!!!! I owe you an email! GADS! I have Sooooo much to tell you that it keeps me from sitting down to email you because I feel like I’ll be here for an hour, and I just don’t have an hour right now. So I do nothing. But I think of you OFTEN, and no, I don’t have $300+ for boots either, but I did find some that will fit my prosthesis for only $198.
Ummm...
Yah.
Right.
I really really miss the days being able to walk into Payless Shoes on Buy-1-Get-1-Free-Day and walk out having only spent $15.
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I hope some day to have TheMIG teach me how to do a few things on the computer. He is no ordinary geek, as he went shopping this week and has now transformed himself into SuperGeek aka LaptopBoy. And he is very yummy when he's being geeky, and don't ask me why (and don't laugh), but I get excited just watching him type and click and stuff. And now LaptopBoy can be doing that just about all the time. Anyhow, maybe he can teach me to do a few things....liiiiiiike reply to comments (doh!). And put links in the sidebar (so that it doesn't say "edit-me".) And get a photo up near/in my profile.

If I experiment long enough, I might be able to figure a few things out on my own (like I figured out how to put links and photos in the text), but when I do figure things out, it's usually just dumb luck.

a label i can live with

I don't think I've been posting long enough for anyone to be able to tell that when it comes to being an amputee, I am primarily positive about it. Don't get me wrong, it's no joy ride. I do allow myself to have feelings of sadness or anger or depression (or whatever--and the list can be long) about being an amputee...but I allow all of my feelings to be present because I believe that being immersed in so called "negative feelings" is much healthier than squashing them down. But make no mistake: I don't live in those feelings. I just allow myself to visit them. Honoring them helps me move through them, and besides----they're excellent fodder for creating art, silly.

So anyhow, for the most part, you'll find me to be quite the optimist.
I don't let losing a leg be the End All Be All definition of me.
And my life is great.
So what is there to complain about? Right??

Wrong.
Today I'm going to complain about people labelling me.
Actually, to be more specific, people who insist on labelling my feelings.

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Something drove me absolutley insane while I was in the hospital recovering from the car accident. People would visit and tell me what a "strong" person I was, or how "brave" or "courageous" I was, or (gag me, please) what an "inspiration" I was.

I hated it then.
And almost two years later, I still hate it now.

I am not strong. There are still days that I crumble underneath the weight of this experience. Sometimes I wake up and I just don't want to be a gimp anymore. I usually whine quite a bit, and sometimes I cry, and then I pick myself up by the bootstraps anyhow. If I can't pick myself up, I give myself a day or two to feel pitiful. But I personally do not see a connection between choosing to forge ahead and being strong. Often there isn't even a choice but to forge ahead. It's more about knowing that I have responsibilities and I dont have a choice but to take care of things that are dependent upon my effort. Please stop patting me on the head and telling me how strong I am. I'm just getting MyFK ready for school and feeding the dogs.

Also in this category of judgements is when someone tells me that if this happened to them, they'd probably just end it all. Great. Thanks for sharing.

I am not brave or courageous. I don't know why I see it this way, but I believe bravery is also a choice we make. Debate me if you care to, but I believe that we get faced with something and we choose to deal with it bravely. Or we don't. Separate from the issue of being faced with it.

I dont deal with this situation bravely. Not even close. Nor do I take this as a challenge (from you or from myself or from the the Powers Above) that I need to triumph over. I just deal with it. And usually I'm scared.

Many have told me that bravery is when you are scared, but you make the choice to face your fears and move forward anyhow, despite your fears. I'm sorry, but I don't have a choice. I have to do life this way. This is not like the bravery I needed when I quite my high paying job to go to culinary school so that I could start on the bottom rung again and slice tomatoes for a living. THAT was a choice, and I had to be brave to make that choice. Took me five years to get the balls to do it, by the way.

I am defintely not an inspiration. For starters, I dont want the responsibilty of inspiring anyone. I will never be a motivational speaker or be the head of an amputee support group. I might end up being the impetus for you having your own feelings within you that inspire you. Fine line between between being inspirational and being an inspiration, I guess...but let me illustrate:
It's like when you and your fat lazy ass are riding the escalator and you see me hopping up the stairs on one leg and crutches, and you somehow get insipred by that. But I was just getting up the stairs. Because I'm scared of the escalator. And what is inspirational about that. You tell me.

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PEOPLE. What I'm doing is the same thing that most people do when facing a major crisis or loss. I'm dealing with it. I'm doing what anyone would do if we were dealing with an illness, a catastophe, or the death of a loved one, for example. There's nothing inspiring about it. It's just another part of being human. There is nothing different between me losing a leg and my girlfriends losing their breasts to cancer. It's just that tragically losing a leg is a bit more visible and shocking to you. But it's the same thing. This is just my version of what life deals all of us. This is the same type of difficult life lesson we all end up getting at some point or another if we live long enough.

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Well, Saturday night I was at a party, and headed straight for me was a casual acquaintance from a monthly discussion group (NOT for amputees--ha). I hadn't seen him in awhile. He wanted to tell me that he thought about me often. He'd been reflecting about things that I had said during the group meetings, and he was starting down the road of wanting me to know that I'd made some huge impression on him.

It's usually right about this point in a conversation that I start holding my breath. It makes it so that my ears start ringing once you start in with the litany of crap about who I am and what it is I am feeling.

He said, "(blah blah blah.....and I'd like to say you are so courageous...." My ears weren't ringing enough yet and I just knew I was about to have to stomach being christened as brave again.
But then he said, "....but courageous...that word is such bullshit."

I think I actually exhaled an audible sigh of relief.

"What I think...... is that you are determined."



And so thank you Joshua, whom I barely know, for giving me a wonderful gift.
The next time someone tells me I am so strong or brave, I can tell them that I am not. I am just determined.
Because that is true.
And THAT is a label I can live with.