It's probably kind of shitty of me to miss the last few days of posting and then show up with (what could potentially be) disturbing photos, but....

....today was my day for making the rounds a the two convalescent facilities I volunteer at. This was taken in the hallway today right around lunchtime.

James' hallway; although that aint James ;-)

I rounded the corner, and my heart just skipped a beat. I couldn't not take a photo of it. I was compelled.



There are a lot of lonely people out there.


My request of you? If you know any of them? Please give them an extra hello this week. You have no idea how much it means to them. Seriously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note, after the above convalescent gig, I moved on to the second one, my new one, which is to facilitate a knitting/crocheting circle at an assisted living center. It might be another week before I blog about it. I'm just getting to know them all and understand the lay of the land...but there is a whooooole cast of characters there that I cannot wait to introduce you to, and they are HIGHLY entertaining. For now, I will give you a little peak at some of the handy-work they whipped out to show me today:

(note my hand there in the left corner---this is some wee tiny refined work, kids)

These are NOT your little ol' ladies with a skein of acrylic yarn knitting hot sweaty baby sweaters and craft fair goodies (although there is a fair share of those, too...but it is NOT all they can do. Trust me). These ladies ladies are CRAFTY.

might as well post

Good news, bad news.

Good ~ I finally got in to see the doc today (general MD) about my back. He sent me out for x-rays. He's looked at digital copies and does not see any bulging or compressed discs. No fractures, either. And I don't have the symptoms of nerve issues, but I knew that already. The x-rays still need to be reviewed by the radiologist tomorrow, but all signs point to muscle strain and not a structural issue. Huzzah.

Bad ~ I'm still in a load of pain.

Good ~ He gave me a stronger prescription.

Bad ~ They make me too loopy to drive. I feel dizzy. I'm slurring my words, and I sort of have that "three martini" feeling. Maybe four or five, actually. I had to skip going to and/or teaching class tonight.

Good ~ I'm resting at home.

Bad ~ I thought the meds would also knock me out and let me get a good night's sleep, but guess what?! I feel like as wired as a speed freak.

Good ~ So I decided that since I am wide awake and fidgety anyhow, I will get all "crafty" with that latest handspun I am twisting up. I cast on for a scarf with it.

Bad ~ I didn't measure how many yards I have before I started, and I'm so buzzed I didn't even bother to measure how many yards I have spun. In other words, I'm not even sure at all if there will BE enough yarn here for a whole scarf. Ha! Well, it will be something when it grows up. Hahahaha I'd take pictures for you, but it's the middle of the night and the lighting sucks. And I'm too buzzed to get out of bed and find the camera or usb cable anyhow.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll show you pics instead of what I ended up doing with that last handspun.




I spun it myself, dyed it myself, knit it myself. My very first project with my own handspun. I am uber-proud . The pattern is called "Wham Bam Thank You Lamb" and is available on Ravelry. It's a breeze. Just a garter stitch rectangle sewed together off-set. I added a few vintage glass buttons for fun. Here's the link to my own project page.


Ok. I hope this all made some sort of sense. I'm loopy and it's late and my proof-reading eyes are all crossed-eyed.

i seem fond of lists and bullets lately, don't i?

* Dad called this morning, and I think all things are smoothed over. We at least got off the phone sort of laughing at each other. Both Mom & Dad's birthdays come up over summer. Based on my dad's odd comment to that post, I shit you not, Mom is getting a darning egg and my Dad gets a whittling knife. Easy. Done.

* I have spent several days on the phone with the doctor's office getting the slight run around trying to get an appointment. Ummm, hellooooo....I'd really like to be seen about all this back pain, buys. Very annoying. But I did finally get set up for tomorrow morning.

* This afternoon was spent taking MyFavoriteKid to the "transformation lab":



I can hardly believe it. Such a leap, it kinda surprised me.

* The rest of the evening was spent catering to his complaints about how much his mouth hurt and why couldn't he eat this or that thing, blah blah blah. A whole new level to his fussy eating. Yay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Leonard Cohen concert last night was fantastic.


I've loved him for a very long time. Probably not as long as most of audience there, though. I'm in my early 40's, but I was in the younger crowd. Ha. Ironically, Green Day was performing last night too, just one block away. What a funny little scene in the parking lot as both shows let out.

So, I love a lot of things about Leonard Cohen, but one thing I find very cool is that he is Jewish, but he is also a practicing Buddhist (same blend for me, too!). This morning I went to put on that t-shirt that I just flashed you up there, and I finally got a closer look at the tags.





Not sure how well you can see it in the photos, but he didn't farm out the production of the concert garb. Woot! The shirt is organic, and was manufactured in a plant that was using all green energy to do it. I love it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny thing, on the way out of the show.....

I ran into someone I haven't seen in awhile. There is more to the backstory, but the reader's digest version is that her name is Carlena, and she was MyFK's principal at his old elementary school before we moved up here. Her dad had passed away years earlier, and he was also an amputee. MyFK was a student at her school at the time I had the car accident and was still in the hospital and going through rehab and all that. Carlena kept a very close eye on him, and she also did a few nice things for us outside of school, too. It was really cool to run into her at the show last night, and it looks like we might be going to her place for dinner on Saturday night. A few other mutual friends will be there, including MyFK's first grade teacher and his best friend from first grade is in town, too. Great people. I think it's going to be much fun.



Ok. That's me! I go a-sleeping now!

missed a few days of posting. things have just been....

...I don't even know what.

Let's list.


* I had headaches Wed-Thu-Fri of last week, last Friday being a migraine. Joy.

* As previously reported, Friday night I completely pissed off my parents after dinner. I am still trying to make sense of my dad's very odd comment (so odd, I would have bet my life that the comment was not from MY dad, but just from A dad, but he says it was him). There is no darning or whittling going on over there, so I have no idea what point is trying to be made. I tried to talk him to Sunday night, but he brushed me off and told me he'd call me the next morning. He didn't call yesterday or today. If I lose my folks over yarn I will tie myself up with it and burn myself at the stake.

* Also Friday night, I offered some help to MyFavoriteKid, who was having some difficulty with some stretches he needs to perform for a test in PE class. Being a dance teacher with a background in body alignment, I recognized immediately that his form was incorrect, so I helped him out. "See you are doing it like this....and it would work better for you if you did it like this." "No, no....see, you are still rounding your pelvis like THIS and it should look more like THIS." Are you getting this?? That I demonstrated an improper technique like 8 times??? So what does this result in? Well, every day since I woke up on Saturday, I can barely move. Seriously. Like pain meds, needing lots of time flat on my back, I can't easily get up and down stairs, or on or off couches, etc. Life is grand.

* All pain aside, I managed to keep on my happy face. Today was a new volunteer gig for me: I am facilitating a knitting circle at a senior/assisted living center. More on this later. It is toootally worthy of it's own post.

* I'm now off to go see the great Leonard Cohen in concert tonight, which is great....but MyFK is pissed that he has to rush through his homework, and the cats are all peeved because they don't get their afternoon jaunt in the yard. They are hoooowwwwling at me right now.

* Being mostly flat on my back for the last 4 days , I have at least been knitting some. I will try to post some pics tomorrow. Not much spinning, sadly.


And now, for your entertainment, I nabbed this over at John's place (Napkin Please):

can a roasted lambshank be the bone of contention?

The week was too hectic to do this on the official eve, but tonight MyFavoriteKid and I went to my mom and dads for a belated Passover dinner.......


.......where the discussion came up that my knitting at the table at the end of the meal could viewed as my being distracted (or could serve as a distraction to others). My knitting was being compared to the likes of my son playing a handheld game system (which I had earlier refused to allow him to play).

I outright argued that I know this is bullshit. People have been sitting around and knitting and engaging in conversation for centuries. But who am I to explain that to a non-knitter. What I can tell you is that I have my very own handheld game system, so I do have the ability to compare, and no it is NOT the same thing AT ALL. I can knit and listen and talk and not even be looking at my hands all the time. I can make eye contact. Try doing that while you are blowing things up or chasing things around in fantasyland.

But I get it that not everyone understands us knitters and how our we are capable of multi-tasking, and I did (not so politely probably) put my knitting away, and I'll be damned if I ever pull it out again during a visit.

In truth, though? Bottom line? I have only one thing to say to all of this:

If I can't knit while I am with you?
I'm probably not going to have the time (or desire) to knit more things for you.

Just sayin'.

if it were me, i'd do the exact same thing

For those who already surf the knitting blogs, I am sure this is old news....but for the rest of you, I wanted to share.



I love it :-)

I wonder what she was knitting. A blanket? A prayer shawl? Maybe an escape ladder?

you guys are so great....

...and while I ponder your comments (thank you so much---you have given me food for thought!)....I spin.

some VERY yummy fiber from A Verb For Keeping Warm
4oz of "Ashland Bay" (70% merino, 30% tussah silk), colorway "Concord"

input. go for it.

Alright. I am soliciting your advice.

I know I am not the only person here feeling like there aren't enough hours in the day, and that life on this modern planet feels more sped up, and single parenting is rough, and blah blah blah.

But I have done everything I know to do to make my life feel less hectic, and it feels like none of it works.

I have stopped overbooking myself.
I leave time in my schedule for myself.
I (on most occasions) leave early for where I need to be so I don't feel rushed in getting there.
I leave ample extra pockets of time in my schedule for those little bombs that we all know are just bound to be dropped.

It still never works out! The little bombs that get dropped are bigger time suckers that the extra pockets I had built in, and then I am still....well....f#%$ed. Daily. And I'm sick of it.

Is there something I am forgetting to do, people? Is there a trick? If there is, do you know what it is? Was I supposed to make a sacrificial offering to the time gods? And I am supposed to laugh off the things that crop up and refuse to deal with them? HOW does this work???!!!!!!!!

If you know? I want to know.

whoopsie

Ok, so I missed posting yesterday. Oh, well. At least I'm not all "offical-like" like last year, doing 365 and all....

Yesterday was good. TheMostImportantGuy took me out of the house for a bit so that relationship-wheel could be reinventing. Yay! (I love him so much). Talking and clarifying and taking some actions to correct stuff that wasn't working, and we are back on the path. *sigh of relief* Then we went out for dinner and drinks and came home and had some snuggle-time, and I actually did think about the computer and blogging (I even outright mentioned it out loud), but the other stuff won out ;-)

Today has been a bit hectic, and tomorrow might be a bit busy, too.....It's James' birthday tomorrow (the guy I visit in the convalescent hospital...you remember him?). It's our regular day to visit, and it is landing on his birthday! I'm bringing him a special lunch and hope to have time in the morning to pick up a couple extra fun things to brighten his room.

That's what's up here. I feel a bit shallow with this post. I have some other stuff to delve into, but as par for the course around here, I need the time to actually sit my ass down and type it. And I can't seem to find that big of a block of time these days. Must fix.

snaps on saturday

Flowers on my table.....


Went to MyFavoriteKid's final basketball game of the season today. The team made it to the playoffs, but they lost today...so no championships, this was it.

After that, MyFK went off with his dad for the weekend and TheMostImportantGuy helped me clean out the garage to get ready for the neighborhood garage sale. I'm etting rid of lots, but I hope to go through it again before the sale and get rid of a bit more.

Earlier in the morning, before all of this, I wound up the yarn I dyed....


I can't seem to capture the true color on my camera. It's more raspberry. It's lovely, and I'm going to make a neckwarmer with it, but I didn't have time to cast-on for it today. Maybe tomorrow.

Oh. Yesterday, when I was being all crafty, I started another little fiber project. Totally forgot to mention it.

Needle felting! I finished it tonight while TheMIG and I were sitting around having a deep conversation and basically reinventing the relationship wheel. It was fairly upsetting. Stabbing soft fuzzy things somehow helped calm me.

And I got a gnome out of it. And he's cute.


Off to shower and hose off all the garage dust and clear my head. G'night.

avoidance crafting

I got news earlier this week that a friend of mine passed away. I am trying to process it all right now. I need to do a bit more work within myself first before I can get it down my arms and out my fingers. I'm not quite ready to type about it just yet. The whole thing has just got me....well, it's got me a lot of things.

One of the things it has me feeling is the craft impulse.

She was crafty. Very. The artistic kind of crafty. I think what is happening with me is that I am keeping myself crafty-busy (in a mindful sort of way) in her honor. Today I knit a bit more on the comfort shawl I posted about yesterday, and then today I went a bit bananas on that fiber I showed, that I was spinning up on the spindle.

I finished spinning the singles....

I plied them together & wound it into a skein....




....and right now I'm dyeing it.

using this method, and Wilton's (a food paste normally used to tint cake icing). Burgundy.

It been interesting working on this project while in this emotional state. This is not my first handspun yarn (it's my second), but it might prove to be the first one that ever gets knitted up into something. This is the first spinning I've done all alone, in solitude, all by my wee little self (the first skein was done in a class). It is also the first time I have ever dyed anything, too. I'm not sure what possessed me to take my very first usable handspun and throw it into a dyepot without having a fricking idea what I was doing, but whatever. I have a hunch it's going to look just lovely, though. I can't wait to see what it looks like when it's dry.

It's been a good creative process the past couple of days, and I like to think she'd approve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my comments to your comments are back in the comments ;-)

boy, can i slip into old patterns like that! (*snap!)

Talk about full of crap! Daily posting. Bah! Posting Schmosting.

I spent all day doing stuff like this:

(my version of a prayer/meditation shawl...more on that soon)

And this:

(the first spindle spinning that I feel excited enough about to actually have a knitting project in mind for...more on that soon)

Ooooo, and I also had someone come over and give me a lesson on the spinning wheel that has been sitting here collecting dust because I couldn't figure out how to use it....and, ummm....more on THAT soon, too!! Because the day got away from me, then MyFavoriteKid came home from school and it was all about....well, MyFavoriteKid (which is how it has been going since the first of the year), and the then what do you know? It's time to go teach dance class.

Then I get home, it's just before midnight, and I'm too tired to type!

Ahhhh, just like the good 'ol days.

i've never understood moderation

Moderation is just not a word that has ever made to this here extremist. Typically I am either doing something obsessively, or not at all. Kinda drives me nuts, but at 42 I'm kinda thinking this might be a "can't teach an ol' dog new tricks" sort of thing, and I'm just going to have to apply a different strategy when it comes to things like blog posting.

Last year I did daily entries for an entire year.
The year ended, and now I can't seem to get in more than one or two posts a month.

Sad.

Back in the days before I had a blog, I would pull this routine with my pen and paper journal. I'd feel a twinge of guilt that I hadn't written in awhile, then I'd remember it was PAPER, and it had no FEELINGS, and that it was MY paper, and I'd get over it real quick-like and sit my ass down and write something.

But with the blog? I dunno. Seems like a whole different ballgame. I know it's a blank entry screen, I know it's MY blank entry screen....but I'm not entirely convinced that my blog has no feelings. It talks back. There are comments. There are people reading. And saying things. With feelings. The blog is not a book that I write in, and as obvious as that may seem, I forget that. After all these years.

Not sure if this rambling makes any sense, but....

I miss my blog. Every single day something happens that I want to document, but I don't, and then I get behind, and I feel guilty and lazy, and all sorts of other evils, and I'm just sick to death of being estranged from something I love so much and has become such a solid part of who I am.

So since I can't moderate this, I'm swinging the goshdarned pendulum the other direction.

See you tomorrow. And the next day. Etc.

how to hit the reset button

1) Check in early at a boutique-y little hotel on Columbus Avenue in San Francisco's North Beach.

Hotel Boheme--the green building

2) Enjoy the room.


3) Oogle over hot Boyfriend.

TheMostImportantGuy

4) Stroll around the neighborhood, take a few photos.


5) Pop into Rose Pistola for a late afternoon snack of sauteed garlicky spinach, grilled broccoli rabe, a salad of roasted beets, and nettle ravioli in marinara.


6) Go to Cobb's Comedy Club, see Jim Norton and laugh a whole lot. I was going to insert a YouTube video here, but the funniest ones aren't kid friendly. Happy hunting, though.... ;-)

7) After the show go out and have a midnight snack at the one very delicious Indian Restaurant (which is oddly connected to an Irish Pub...but whatever...it rocked).

8) Wake up in the morning and have a cappuccino.

not where we had coffee,
but the view from where we sat and had coffee

9) Head over the Castro and hook up with the San Francisco Sock knitters for the monthly meet-up. Have another coffee. Oogle at TheMIG some more.

10) Quick stop at ImagiKnit for a needle and some lovely sterling and glass seed bead stitch markers (spoiled I am, yes).

11) Visit Carleigh, her hubby, and their new baby. (I know, I know....I don't know how I managed to not take a photo of her magical cuteness. It might have been 'cuz daddy was hoggin' da baby---not that I blame him. She's adorable.)

12) Take the scenic route home to the kennel to pick up the DogDogDog.



I am feeling much much better. I really needed the mini-vacation after all that boo-hoo-ing last week. Not that there is anything wrong with boo-hoo-ing, mind you.....but it was a much needed shift.

and even with the best intentions, she is still tardy

Yesterday. It was only 7:10 am. And my entire day got derailed.
By this little guy:



That's a hummingbird in a coffin being prepared for burial. *sigh*

Let me tell you. I did something different yesterday. I let the kittehs out before taking MyFavoriteKid to the bus stop, and clearly that was a fatal error. In the 7 minutes it took me to get there and back, one of the cats caught their very first bird. They were going bananas with it by the time I walked in the door.

Now, I'm not a big fan of my kittens killing any animals. But I know that cats will be cats, and I know that I am going to be seeing more of this. I also know that a HUMMINGBIRD AS A FIRST KILL is pretty danged impressive. But I have some special feelings about hummingbirds, more so than the average bird (sorry, but I do discriminate, apparently).

In Native American spirituality, the hummingbird represents (in some circles) "Joy". So here I am, at 7-something in the morning, being faced with what I see as being "The Death of Joy." Now, this wouldn't be so bad if MrHummingbird was dead....but he was not. He was still alive when I got here. I got him away from the kitties, and I tried real hard to see if there was something I could do for him. He was breathing real hard, and I did some mojo-jojo energy type work to see if I could give him a hand. He opened his eyes and looked at me a few times, and after awhile, his breathing slowed, and he passed.

I lost it. LOST. IT.

Now, I don't want to go on harping about the car accident crap forever, but for those who are newer here and might not have the whole story, the reader's digest version is this:
Getting used to living my life with only one leg is NOTHING compared to living with the memory of being trapped in the car after the accident for two hours before anyone spotted me in my car. I was awake. I went through allllllllll the associated thoughts and emotions, if you can imagine.

How this relates is that this poor bird was dying from a traumatic experience right in front of me the day after the 5 year anniversary of my accident, and....well.....let's just say I cried so much yesterday that I couldn't get my face un-splotchy long enough to take those photos of the shawl.

So I took this one today...



...and now realize that I always seem to cut my head off anyhow, so sheesh....why I didnt just take it all red faced and spotty, I have no idea.

Hypoteneuse
Ravelry project page ~ Ravelry pattern page ~ Designer's pattern page

The other thing I did yesterday, in attempt to settle myself, was to wind 1400 yards of laceweight yarn, "ol' skool" style. For those of you who don't knit or play with string....that is A LOT of yarn to wind by hand.


Don't let the soda can fool you. That is very skinny yarn in one very big ball. It took foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, and it took a whole lot longer than I expected. It's for the next shawl I am about to work on.

I have a few other things to show you, and my PLAN is to be back tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

reminder: my comments to your comments are back in the comments. If you even care. Just want y'all to know I DO actually read and appreciate what you have to say!

5 years

Wow. Long time, no blog.
I have thought about the blog DAILY, and have been avoiding the computer like the plague lately.
I have a desire to type, though...and I do have a big chunk of time tomorrow to do so, and so I shall.
But for tonight, I just want to feel cozy and held, maybe knit, and sleep.

on the altar, five years related

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the accident. I knew it was sometime this week, but I wasn't exactly sure which day exactly. That should tell you how much I have moved on. With my logical brain, anyhow.
There is still another part of my brain that keeps track, though....and every year I start behaving oddly a couple of weeks before. Today I had a little anxiety ramping up for no apparent reason, and then remembered the anniversary was this week. I was on the road when I realized it, and had to call TheMostImportantGuy and have him search the archives of my blog to find out the exact date (ha!!).

It was today.

So I decided to knit the last 7 rows of a shawl I have been working on since forever. It's been sitting in my knitting bag and waiting for a simple garter stitch border for 2 or 3 weeks now. Lame. Anyhow, I knit it up, bound it off, soaked it, blocked it. It is drying now. It's a very cozy shawl, like a big giant hug.


Tomorrow it will be "the day after", and I will have a new cozy big giant hug to wrap myself up in, and then all will be right with the world. Sorta. There's still some "stuff" going on.

More photos tomorrow, but really...more of an update ;-)

me. now. 42.

A little photo shoot just for you, taken on the way out the door for the birthday dinner:

Me, normal.

Me, forced smile.

Me, scowling.

Me, vamping you.

In the middle, looking forward, looking back.
Glad nobody tried to put that many candles on my cake ;-)

zen and the art of furniture maintennance

Ok, so I have no idea where I left off, and I'm not going to go back and read my own blog. I cannot stand to be faced with the rambling. I think the last big thing that was happening over here before my hiatus was that I was trying to learn how to parent MyFavoriteKid through his troubles in school, particularly with math. I'm going to tell you all about that for sure, but not today. Today (because apparently venting is an integral part of my emooooootional process *snivel*), we're going to talk about an odd little outburst of tears I had last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TheMostImportantGuy had come to visit for the weekend (as he most often does) but it was Sunday, and it was time for him to go.

Now, let it be known: I hate "The Going" part. Once he's actually gone, I'm okay. I mean, he's missed, but I'm not behaving ridiculously. But during "The Going" ?? Egads it's bad. It's so bad that we even have a well established ritual that is intended to lessen the drama. Right before he heads out the door, he pops a hard-candy into my pouting whiny mouth (sugar free or I'd be toothless by now---we've been doing this for years). The sweetness of the candy and his kind gesture keeps me distracted long enough to be keep me relatively happy until he has left and has some distance behind him. Odd, aren't we. I know.

Anyhow, he was headed out the door last night, and I somehow managed to get quite weepy and clingy. It was oddly over the top. About an hour after his departure I started feeling all sick to my stomach, and that's when it finally dawned on me that it wasn't his leaving that was causing the upset. Something else was off kilter. That is when I realized that what was realllllly upsettting me was the dining room table.


Let me rewind and give you the backstory about this table. I've had this table for a long time. It was given to me back in 1994 as a thank you for helping a neighbor move. I'm not sure how long my friend had it before then or how he'd come to have it. I have always loved this table. It's a drop leaf and folds down into a narrow 2-seater. If you pull up the wings up and it seats 4-6 people. Pop in the additional leaf and it seats 6-8. Solid wood. Worn from much use even before it came to me, but lovely.

As much as I love this table, there has always been a part of me pining for something different. Even before this table, I have never owned a "grown up" diningroom table. I either didnt have the space in my apartments, or I couldn't afford one. And this table of mine, being a hand me down, came with a few quirks. One of the pop up wings is a little loose and unstable, and it also always requited a matchbook (or two or three) underneath it to make it even.


When I moved here to the new house a year and a half ago, I only brought 3 pieces of furniture with me, and this was one of them (I went on a rampage and refurnished the whole frickin' house). I have been bitching ever since I got here that I even though I love this table, I really wanted a new table, I just couldnt find exactly the right thing. What I really desire (and maybe I've been watching too much Barefoot Contessa), is a round pedestal table that expands to an oval.

Well, leave it to the fates. Or mercury retrograde. Or something. As of last week, one of the legs of my dining room table is officially falling off.



Like, the wood split. Repairable, if someone has the skill. But I don't. Repairable if I just brought it to someone with skill, but I decided this was the universe telling me that my ideal expandable round table is now out there waiting for me, and so I went looking again, and lo and behold, there it was. By yesterday afternoon, I had found my new table. I ordered it, and it will be here next week. Huzzah.

Immediately after ordering the table yesterday, I took the pictures you see here of the old table, and I posted them on CraigsList. I offered the table for free, provided that whoever took it promised to fix it and love it and not turn it into firewood. Of course, I got a pile of replies, and by the evening, I had made plans for someone (who sounded like a nice woodworky sort of guy who said he would keep it and use it) to come pick it up on Monday (today).

Okay. So this brings us back to the point in the story where TheMostImportantGuy is heading home and I am snivveling with candy in my mouth. Sorry for not giving you the reader's digest version. Thanks for sticking with me if you got this far. Reward yourself with chocolate, my compliments.

So there I was last night, clutching my stomach feeling like I was going to be sick, and that's when I realized what was really going on. Clearly, I am attached to this old dining room table. Rewind some more, and I can tell you that earlier in the week, I also finally disposed of a beloved bedroom lamp that had been shattered beyond recognition, and it was a lamp that I had since I was 19 and in my first very first apartment. I broke the lamp 3 months ago. I didn't have the nerve to toss it out until last week. And right after I tossed it, the table leg broke. Rewind some more, and I can also tell you that earlier last week, I realized that I am all of the sudden feeling very middle aged. I am in my early 40's, but I have close friends in their 50's and 60's (and then some), and I also have close friends in their 20's and 30's. I can totally see where I am going, and I can totally see where I have been. It's an interesting vantage point. I like it. but I feel very "middle-ish" and I'm not exactly sure yet how this is relevant, but I am damn certain that it is.

Then I start tossing out furnishings I have bonded with big time, and well...all hell breaks loose, and I get all emotional and am crying and feeling nauseous, and it's all over a table that I couldn't really wait to replace.

Ahhhhh, The Dining Room Table. So many parties, and so many stories, and so much laughter, and family times, and making food for people and and and ....

You get the drift. Break out your tiny violins.

The bedroom lamp? The one that I used to drape with vintage sheer scarf so it would cast a lovely romatic glow across my boudior? It's now toast.

Having done a tremendous amount of purging of clutter in the past couple of years, I know for a fact that what I am attached to is the memories, not the lamp or the table. In fact, the more I think about it, I might not even be attached to memories. I think I might just be attached to the feelings these objects represent. And that feeling is intimacy.

Figuring this out is making it much easier to let the representative objects go (replacing my lamp with a new one that casts an even rosier glow has not hurt any...and once this new diningroom table is here, y'all are officially extended an open invitation to join me for dinner so I can make me some new memories. You just come on down now, ya' hear??!)

But going through the whole process of figuring out why I was so upset?? What an interesting little pile of internal research that was last night. And shifting from feeling sick inside to being ready to let go, and doing so quickly (in just a few hours) was kinda fun to watch. I hope I can do it at this speed more frequently.

The punchline to my little story, though?? The guy from Craigslist flaked on picking up the table today. I did all this internal work and finally got to the emotional place where I could really let it go....and the table is still here.

watch out....

....she's baaaaaack.


I have lots on my mind and nowhere else to put it but here. You'll be seeing me more over the next few days. The dust has settled, and I finally have time to type.

But not right now. 'Cuz I'm knitting and watching Sense & Sensibility on PBS (Yay, Masterpiece Classics!! WooHoo!! I've been watching every Sunday since the run started in January).

Anyhow. If you missed me, stay tuned. If you preferred the silence, well....consider yourself forewarned ;-) I've missed the blog, and I'm happy to be back.

ten on tuesday

Let's try this again, and see if I get to 10 this time ;-)

Ten On Tuesday
10 Things You're Really Good At

1. Knitting.

2. Buying yarn when I don't really need it.

3. Jumping from irritation to anger.

4. Critiquing restaurants.

5. Cooking and entertaining.

6. Empathizing with other people.

7. Noticing the tiny little things in life that belong on a gratitude list.

8. Putting my foot in my mouth.

9. Creating paper bags full of unopened mail.

10. Wasting time.

..........oh, there is a #11.
Pick myself apart.
Into little itty bitty pieces.

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I wrote this out quickly, and let me tell you, it's pretty revealing in that it is showing my current state of mind. I am very quick to find fault with myself these last few days, I have noticed. I don't particularly like being in a phase like this, but that's where I am, so might as well sit with it for a few and try to find out why.

My investigation started yesterday when I was driving over to the city to see TheScarDoctor. I realized that I have a whole list of things about myself that are slightly bugging me, or that I would like to change or work on (but am not). They were all small things, but once I noticed they were so many, I realized I had this big massive ball of I'mNotReallyLikingMyself right now. Not so good. It's one of the keys to the depression door, and I'm not real keen on stepping inside that room if I don't have to.

My appointment with TheScarDoc was great. It's really interesting how all that self-loathing resides in the body somewhere, and what happens when you can experience the gift of having someone help you move it all around and maybe get rid of some of it. It helps that as a practitioner (and as a person) he's a really uplifting guy. Besides the bodywork, he also really makes me laugh. There is no better way to avoid opening the door to the DepressionRoom but to just laugh yer arse down the friggin' hallway.

Anyhow. Later in the afternoon yesterday, MyFavoriteKid and I had a parent-teacher conference with his math teacher. I think maybe I have mentioned here on the blog that he's having some trouble, but maybe I haven't. Who knows. I can't keep track. Anyhow. Things aren't going so well for him, particularly in math. I'm not going to bother hashing out all those particulars here, but I do want to get to the part about how I ended up feeling about it all.

Mother-frickin' incompetent.

I know in my head that I'm a good mom. I also know, logically, that it's my first time being a parent (just as it is his first time being a kid), and so in my head I have nooooo problem cutting myself some slack as I muddle my way through parenting. But my insides?? Dudes. I'm a mess. I feel stressed and confused by not knowing what to do. I feel like I am floundering and failing. Add to this the fact that MyFK and I push each other's buttons when the homework-shit-hits-the-fan, and then I get angry, and then gets upset, and then I feel worse for being a bad parent and a bad practicing buddhist who gets so angry all the time.

I am not on some sort of downer or pitty pot at all....IN MY HEAD. Too bad my gut does not agree. My thoughts are fine. The emotions? Oy.

I know I am not the only parent who has this situation. I know what help is out there (I also know what help is not, ie TheEx, but that's a whoooole 'nother post). I am on the path to getting help and support, gaining a few new parenting skills, and....just basically finding my way. MyFK and I are communicating well, and we are loving each other, and we are working on our button pushing, even between all the frustration. ON THE OUTSIDE this is being dealt with. This dilemma is is par for the course, we are making progress in the right direction, and all is good.

The OUTSIDES of the situation are fine.

It's my INSIDES I am worried about.
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